I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I am very new to this NPD home and still have so much to learn.
Everyone here has been so kind and helpful. Post often. I have been putting out so much of my inner turmoil and fear, my own doubts. It is very reassuring to hear that others have felt the same, gone through similar experiences and have come out better and happier.
I have been reading a lot here in the last couple of days. Everyones story and then I started on page one. It gives you hope.
I wish you strength through this.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
TheAgony, he does not own a gun and I am not physically afraid of him in general. I will contact someone shortly. I have a hard time with my history of anxiety and panic attacks figuring out what is a real threat right now, and his manipulations don't help. I don't want to feed the anxiety by worrying about everything he could possibly do, but I don't feel like I can rule anything out because I never thought he would physically cheat on me, especially after the first time, and look at what that got me.
It is worse because he is not communicating anything real with me at all, which in the past was a sign that he's got something going on even while he pretends everything is more than fine and I am out of my mind to think anything different.
I think all of this is telling me that I need to step up my timeline by a lot. I need him to get out. I am taking the kids to my parents' house tomorrow for the rest of winter break.
I will look for the books suggested. I really do need building up right now, I keep wanting to fall back into the old patterns because this is scary and hard. I want to minimize everything all over again. I won't do that because he puts us all at risk with his behavior and I deserve better. Our kids deserve better. I am in IC and it is helping a lot. I am looking forward to seeing the other resources you all have mentioned.
I feel better with a small plan.
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.
He was arrested three weeks ago for aggrevated stalking. Got an emergency bond hearing last Friday (how the hell I do not know) and bonded out Monday. Court put a GPS monitor on him and said he could have visitation through the court house parenting center we have here. He is to set it up and HE is to pay the fees associated with it.
They were closed Mon-Wed for Christmas and just opened yesterday. I get the letter yesterday saying his attorney was making it his MISSION to get me in front of a judge for alienating my kids from their father because I am denying him visitation...>WTF???????????????????
I forwarded to the DA office who is deeply disturbed and told me not to respond and they would address it Monday when they got back in. Damn idiot is going to find a way to wiggle into my life any freaking way he can even with a damn restraining order.....> SIGH.........
Fighting a NPD is sometimes the worst feeling ever.
My counselor gave me a business card with 4 words I still have it (and it's been 10 years) the words hold true for all of us. The card says " Kajem knows the truth". I know it, and so do you -the trick is not to forget it!
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I was doubting myself when I walked into the domestic violence center, but I am so glad I did. The woman there was so knowledgeable and helpful with books to read, things to do to be safe, priorities, and an in-depth assessment of the risk of violence. Please do get to a DV center! Some say that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. I know it is crippling. I could barely muster the strength to leave my X.
A really good book that is helping me is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Stay strong! Remember that he's making a track record, and he isn't going to look so strong and innocent in court. Keep calm and stay in touch with your attorney.
You are doing so well!! So proud of you!!
Hugs to our Tribe!
I'm glad that you are not afraid of him in general! I do definitely understand (definitely!) difficulty with trusting your own perceptions, what is real. That's all part of the syndrome we are all dealing with. And absolutely it's worse when they do not communicate. It just feeds the anxiety to not know what the hell is going on. I would think that is a form of abuse. Have you ever seen the domestic violence abuse wheel? I'm not saying this to freak you out (really!) but to empower you. If you can see what it is, you can work with it. Confusion will keep you anxious. Knowing will allay that anxiety in many way! It is still scary but it's a more determined, self-empowered fear. You'll know it when you get there, which i hope is soon! : )
I hope you start to feel relief at your parents house.
Falling back and minimizing is what we do, until we can't take it anymore. And you DO deserve better. I wish I had realized it sooner. Oh how i wish that. So much wasted time.
But take your time. Only you know when you are ready. I think you know where you need to be, but you're not there yet. That's okay. You are on the path, you are on the journey, and you will get there. Trust in that!
I keep catching myself. "he wouldn't do that", "I am overreacting", "I am making too much of this", "he wasn't that abusive".
It seems these messages are programmed into my brain. At least I am catching them. Recognizing them and countering with the truth, it was that bad. I don't know what he is truly capable of so I must be prepared for the worst. I must protect myself.
Reading others stories and experiences is so helpful in accepting the truth. My experiences are the truth of my life. No matter what he told me in the past, the lies, the justifications, the blameshifting, I know the truth now.
I had my first day of no contact from him yesterday! He did not text one time. I talked to his mother two days ago and she told him to leave me alone. I love my mother in law. I know that he is her son and will always protect him first. I am careful what I reveal but she seems to have some influence on him.
He carries a lot of embarrassment from his behavior. He likes to put on a show of being "reformed", being a responsible man now.
He does seem to care about the image he projects to his family so I think maybe his mom can help to keep him a bit in control. I won't count on it but it was nice to have a day without texts.
I have learned so much about his life over the last year. He was never very open about it before. It seems he always gave just enough information to present a decent person that had gone through some tough times.
Now, knowing the truth, the "tough times" were created by him. He has consistently through the years abused and disposed of just about everyone in his life. Everyone but his mom and sisters.
They don't challenge him though. Everyone walks on eggshells around him.
I am so happy I have found this home. It is starting to make sense to me. The conflicted feelings inside are becoming manageable. Knowing with conviction that I have to save myself is helping me to get through, hour by hour.
All of the support that I am getting here is helping me to feel strong, to be strong.
Quaking, the one thing that is helping me the most is reading. Learning what abuse really is makes me feel sane.
I spent a couple of hours on a site called, Abusemenot.wordpress. I wish I could attach the link. I found it very helpful.
Off to work and hopefully to actually do some work.
Have a good day everyone. Wishing all some peace.
I am especially grateful that there is a therapist in place now since I received a call from dumbass on the 22nd (knowing this is my first Christmas without the kids and divorce decree was signed on the 20th) that as a courtesy he wanted me to know that he is getting engaged in the next month and will tell the kids in a few weeks, then wished me happy holidays! I just said ok I didn't know what else to say. I am thankful he will be ho's problem now but my first thought was about my daughter, like she needs this on her plate right now. The selfishness continues to amaze and all his concern about how the kids need father time what a joke! I think its not about Father Time its about Time of Possession (like the clocks in the corner during football games). I am going to tell him after he breaks the news that from now on I will not hold his secrets from the kids in the future. So I guess I will be getting ready for clean up duty in January (again). Sadly he is slowly loosing his girls as he creates/replaces with his new family because this new family is living in the land of rainbows and unicorns right now with him as the Wizard of Fantasyland
I just hold onto the fact that my girls see thru his facade (which they figured out on their own) know that I am the safe place for them to land, we have a very open line of communication, and have learned what is important in life and moral values.
Thanks for listening.
[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 9:56 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]
I seem to keep going to that place of, I thought this was real but now I know that this was really happening. It is a killer.
I looked at some of his posts here on SI, at the words and the dates, compared with the phone records. Every word was a total lie. He lied on here too.
I have to stop this. It doesn't matter. I already know who he is. He has made that very clear. I feel like I have been scammed.
I think this is going to keep me from moving forward. I have to stop.
GreatRoleModel - Please reconsider
I am going to tell him after he breaks the news that from now on I will not hold his secrets from the kids in the future.
Let him find out for himself.
Telling them a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g disadvantages you.
Tell him nothing. NC. Just saying; "ok" - without reaction is just fine.
(see my tagline for ideas of how to age-appropriately "not hold his secrets")
Sending strength GRM!
I keep wanting to ask questions but I know I will never get the truth. I keep telling myself that the answers don't matter. He doesn't matter, he is my past. I know in my head that I could never trust him, I don't even like him. I hate what he did to me.
Why does it hurt so much?
He is in St. Thomas now with his family, I was supposed to be there too. It hurts that I did nothing wrong and I lose them too. I have been a part of the family for 14 years and now I am not. I am the outsider.
It just seems so wrong.
Just struggling for a couple of days. I feel lonely and lost and I don't even have the motivation to do anything about it.
Just patience with myself?
I've read studies where what you're going through (what we all had to go through) is very similar to the chemical changes that take place when one goes through drug withdrawal.
It's so tough. But once you get through this, it does get better. It's nothing that's wrong with you -- it's your brain chemistry.
You will get through this.
Have you picked up a copy of "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" or "Getting Past Your Breakup"? They don't deal specifically with NPD, but will be helpful to you.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I took my kids to my mom's. My mom does not have wifi and her computer is sadly very ancient, although I think it is a good thing for right now. It is giving me a nice NC break. The kids seem to be breathing easier, and I know I am!
I did call the local DV hotline and I am so glad I did. I did not realize they had so much information! I feel armed now, not only with information, but with strength and permission to do what I need to do to take care of myself. Plus, now I have someone to call if/when things change. I am sort of annoyed that I even felt guilty about closing my bedroom door at night let alone locking it! I am in the mental health field, which sort of doubles my own consternation with myself sometimes.
Can, I can really relate to your difficulty with maintaining NC. I had forewarned my H that I needed some space while I was gone and probably wouldn't be answering texts or emails. I did let him know we got here safely, but haven't responded to any other message. It makes me sad. I miss the illusion of happiness we had. But I am keeping busy and making plans for fun things or just important things to me that I wouldn't have been able to do if he were here. Like go to the library and find some helpful reading! Part of me dreads what the fallout of this is going to be, but a bigger part of me doesn't care. I am taking care of myself and the kids.
GreatRoleModel, I am sorry about the situation with your kids, I understand how stressful that can be.
Peace to you all, Tribe.
I want to heal & be past this. I don't want to dwell on him anymore. I know he's sick, I don't want to learn anymore about NPD, I feel like I have a Ph.D in NPD and could go on a lecture tour. I don't want to waste any more of my precious life on him.
What are my next steps? Books to read? Just live life and see what happens? I'm in that place where I'm standing on both feet. As we all know, normally I would expect ex to come along and smash me down. But we're not together anymore. I feel like I'm maybe creating a new normal sans smashing & destroying.
Have you checked out Melanie Tonia Evans?
"are you okay?", "I care and still love you", "why would I do this when I already had the person I wanted to spend my life with?", "why do I have no depth to my feelings"
All this bs. He is cut off from the new ow because her boyfriend found out a few days ago and had a talk with him. Warned him that any new info or more contact would make him sorry.
He is looking for his old source?
I am actually okay with this. I see it for what it is this time. I am not falling for it, do not believe it.
I am wondering when it is going to shift to Mr. Hyde. Pretty sure that will happen when he does not get the expected response from me. I must keep up my focus of self protection. Not let down my guard and be prepared.
I am glad that I found out before boyfriend. He probably would not have left so easily if he did not have someone waiting.
Maybe if they break up they will start up again and he will shift his focus back to her.
Boyfriend is very angry but very controlled about it. He told me that he has been driving by the house. Looking up info about wh. He is a bit scary.
Consequence of your actions. Wh met him, knew he was a tough guy and still chose to go forward.
He was very compassionate towards me. Remember this has nothing to do with you, it was his choice to be a scumbag. Remember it was a choice and you had no choice in this.
I go more compassion from this "tough guy" than I ever got in a year from wh.
Life is bizarre.
I will order those books suggested. I can usually find them very inexpensively on amazon, used. I like my own copy as I like to reread and make notes. I just seems to help me.
Feels good to belong. (((Tribe)))
NC is like quitting smoking cold turkey. It's most difficult the first 7 days. After that, the true healing really begins. You are going through withdrawals.
I highly recommend blocking him from texting or calling you. I thought too in the beginning that it would be better to receive his messages (to gauge his mood, etc) but in reality it was only setting me back. You are better off to cut him completely off.
Treat him as if he were a stranger. You wouldn't accept any ramblimg messages from a complete stranger, right?
You will find that through true NC, your perception will begin to change and your thinking will begin to become more clear. You will begin to see the reality of your situation as it really is, not how he has been presenting it to you.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:35 PM, December 30th (Monday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)