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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sadtoo,

I am going to talk to my son tomorrow about adding a line to his cell phone plan.

Being on the same plan with wh it will not let me block him. I can block any one in the world but not him.

I do see and understand that complete NC is the only way to get past this addiction.

My son is coming over tomorrow. We are getting the room ready for him. That is going to be such a good change for me. He is such a great young man, I say that from the objective standpoint of a mother

Truly, he is. I have 3 sons and this guy is special. I know that I shouldn't say or think that, I love all my boys, but he is so introspective and so compassionate. He fills my heart.

It will be nice to not be alone so much and he is so grounded that maybe I will absorb some of that.

He should be moved in by the end of the week.

Hoping also that having him here will help with the anxiety levels and I will be able to sleep. I need to sleep so desperately. I seem to just wander around at night. From couch to bed to couch to computer. Not healthy.

Also it will probably motivate me to eat again. He cooks and I will cook if it is not just for me.

Motivation is sorely lacking right now.

Also, I have a dog and he is coming with 2 more. It will be lively to say the least

Just have to ride this out. I do know that it will get easier. It is just so hard to remember when you find yourself in the pit.

thanks

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a fantastic idea to have your son move in with you. He will provide you great company and also great comfort in the coming days and weeks.

And the more doggies, the better!

When I went through my mess with my XNPDH, I acquired my first English Mastiff, Stella. She was my gentle giant who protected me and my home day and night. She would know if someone was walking in front of the house pushing a stroller, even if she didn't see them. She would lift her head and give me one of those quiet, "woof" type barks as if to say, "someone is out there, but nobody threatening." If she heard any vehicle that operated on diesel fuel (which XNPDH drove) she would shake the windows.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep the more doggies the bettah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8FfNQ_E0l0


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
socompletelydone
♀ New Member
Member # 41845
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, my name says it all. I am so completely done. My WH is a recently diagnosed NPD. But of course won't do anything about it, because he believes nothing is wrong with him. Well after 19 years. Multiple affairs, one OC and tons of lies, manipulations, and destructive behavior I can't take it anymore. I threw him out 4 months ago. As soon as the 1year separation is over I am filing. The kids and I are so much happier without him. No more walking on egg shells and waiting for the other shoe to drop ( because it always did). But of course I think the craziness is just beginning now that I won't be his doormat anymore.

I am so glad to have found you guys. Now I don't feel so alone. Although I hate that anyone else would have to go through the hell that is a NPD spouse.


When I am done.. I am D.O.N.E.
You can't help someone hell bent on destroying everything, including themselves.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome socompletelydone,

You're right once he realizes that you are not bluffing, aka finding your strength, he will amp up the craziness and it will be directed at you.

Keep reading and posting, there's a lot of information on these boards. We call ourselves The Tribe, welcome again.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mom4ever
♀ Member
Member # 40516
Question  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone offer insight and/or advice on dealing with someone who is NPD or at least is PD with N Traits and on Testerone injections???

I am 6 1/2 months after DDay. I have been reading ALOT. I am NC except for text or emails about children only. I filed for D the day after DDay. I think I can see things a little objectively now. I can see STBXH's NPD. I can see where I am codependent. I own that I contributed to the deterioration of our marriage over 22 1/2 years. It takes two people to make it work or to have it die. I get that. But I am not accepting any responsibility for his affair(s) or abuse.

I would never have considered myself abused. I was so blind. I now accept that I have been verbally and emotionally abused for years. After DDay I could hardly function. Unless my lawyer or a friend said it was okay for me to do it, I wouldn't do it. It has taken me this long to semi have an opinion on anything. I know it will take years to completely heal. But the physical abuse only really started coming out after STBXH started Testosterone injections about 3 years ago. He was (is) so incredibly angry about everything. When he would get mad he would throw things or hit walls or furniture. He would scream. He would have veins bulging out of his head and neck. Then on DDay he lost it. It could have been much worse. But I called 911. I had bruises. It was not ok. He hasn't been back to our house since. I have a protection order.

But he's still taking the Testosterone I understand and working out religiously. I can't help but wonder if after being diagnosed with low t and going on Testosterone plus taking lots of GNC supplements if that didn't push him over the edge into the physical abuse. I know he had it in him anyway but could this have magnified it? And also pushed him into riskier sexual pursuits? I just can't believe he would do it with our child's best friend's mom.... Our child is the one that told me on DDay. So I was the poster child for someone having their head in the sand. The fall out has been horrible for our children. He can't afford to pay support as ordered but he keeps up his gym membership.

My question I guess is does Testosterone magnify NPD?


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
socompletelydone
♀ New Member
Member # 41845
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't answer about the T and supplements causing violence.
My STBXH is NPD. Violence is a last resort for him. But if he can't get his way by lying, manipulation, bullying or threatening.... Then he would get physical. He was a firm believer in doing whatever it took to get what he wanted and its the "other person's" fault for pushing him that far to get his way.

Also he got more erratic as he saw me gaining confidence and not being easy to manipulate or Hoover.
Be careful. I am glad I am free, but at the same time terrified of what he may do to me or the kids.

As for the risky behavior...mine had unprotected sex with a lot women, some being ONS he found on adult friend finder. He also had an affair with an women that went on for years. She was a friend of mine. My kids knew her. she had his child. Which he completely ignores.
The therapist told my NPDs don't have morals or boundaries so basically they will do whatever they want no matter who gets hurt. All that matters to them is having control and getting what they want.

[This message edited by socompletelydone at 10:11 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


When I am done.. I am D.O.N.E.
You can't help someone hell bent on destroying everything, including themselves.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I own that I contributed to the deterioration of our marriage over 22 1/2 years. It takes two people to make it work or to have it die.
No, no! You can't take responsibility for your relationship with someone who's NPD not working out! There is NOTHING you could have done to make it work. NOTHING! So, don't carry that burden, sister. It's not yours to bear. Unfortunately, unlike you, he has no conscience and won't carry the burden, either. But please believe me when I say this is NOT your fault, in any way.

Hugs.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could figure out how to paste! I will get my son to show me.

Contributing to the demise of the marriage.

This has been such a struggle for me. All of the books and articles regarding affairs talk about how both are responsible for the condition of the marriage.

I have gone over this in my mind a thousand times, read about it, wrote about it, talked in IC and MC. It drove me crazy because if I did not see what I had done wrong, how could I possibly change it?

IC, MC and even wh told me over and over the only thing that I did wrong was to stay. The only one I failed was myself. That was mind boggling. How could I change that? Now, I see, I just had absolutely no power over the changes that were needed. I still only had one thing to change, to leave.

I did not cause his anger. I did not cause him to be abusive. That is all his and I could not change it.

I see now that when I got a "real" job is when the abuse really started to get ramped up. He lost total control of me. I was succeeding, I was doing really well at work, I got a promotion the first year. I got another promotion the second year. He got fired and then started berating me, undermining my confidence, "a monkey could do your job", "you can't handle the responsibility". Then the craziness of bragging about me to others. That was not because he was proud of me but because it made him look better.

I see now that if I had stayed the same quiet, passive, "sweet" woman we may have lasted a little longer since he moved back.

If I had allowed him to maintain his image of himself, not asked for emotional expression, challenged him, he would have been content, for a time. He could not bear to see himself.

All the hurtful accusations, accusations of me cheating, "you are not a real person", "you are an empty vessel", "you were never really there during sex", they were not about me, they were him telling me who he is. When he said those words to me, I was baffled, I didn't even understand what he was talking about, could not understand the meaning, now I do. I couldn't understand the meaning because I was trying to see that in me and didn't, that is because it was not me, it is who he is.

The only thing I could have done was leave. The only thing I contributed was not protecting and valuing myself. It helps to understand this now. It makes this situation easier to live with. I now understand how I need to change.

Thanks all.

It just helps to stop the spinning mind to get this out. It still hurts like hell.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mom4ever))) TIKY is exactly right - listen to her! Take NO responsibility for the destruction - it takes only ONE to undermine, sabotage, and destroy. You could, and probably DID carry the world on your shoulders - and it was NEVER going to be enough.
Get that in your head and heart.
DROP that burden right now.
You could blister your soul plowing 40 acres alone and they'd still bitch about a crooked row.
NO!

CAN!
Your last post was FAN. TAS. TIC!
You are soooo "getting it"!
It was never about you - what you did or didn't do. It's never enough!
Watch - listen.
You can tell exactly what these monsters fear and loathe by the weapons they use against you.

The only thing I could have done was leave. The only thing I contributed was not protecting and valuing myself. It helps to understand this now.

CAN SHOOTS...SHE SCOOOOOOORRRESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BOOM!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
GreatRoleModel
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Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see now that when I got a "real" job is when the abuse really started to get ramped up. He lost total control of me. I was succeeding, I was doing really well at work, I got a promotion the first year. I got another promotion the second year. He got fired and then started berating me, undermining my confidence, "a monkey could do your job", "you can't handle the responsibility". Then the craziness of bragging about me to others. That was not because he was proud of me but because it made him look better.


CAN I understand oh so well what this was like and only when dumbass was getting ready to leave did he become personally vested in my success so he thought he wouldn't have to pay as much SS, but fortunately that was not the case as I made less than 10% of his salary (though he did apparently have a pretty power point to show the mediator that was brushed aside immediately )
You are doing great!

(((Mom4ever))) TIKY and jjct are exactly right! DITTO Others who have not lived this crazy train of NPD have no concept of the life you were living. Stay strong!


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,

I know it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. I see that now. I twisted myself into a pretzel. The demands were always changing and of course I always failed because I couldn't anticipate what was going to be the necessary change.

All this time it was about him. There was nothing wrong with me. I really am a decent person. I care about others, I am kind to others, I am careful of the feelings of others. Probably that is part of the reason I ended up with him.

I just have to keep reminding myself that he will never change. The good that I saw in him was not real, he was pretending, that part of him was never real. The angry, cruel, abusive part, that is the real part of him, the constant.

I do not want him in my life and this painful ache is going to pass.

I really want to thank you for the kind words. They do mean so much to me. After so many years of not being good enough it feels really nice to hear I am doing well at something

GreatRoleModel,

It is hard to talk to people "on the outside". They have a hard time even conceiving of what this life is like. Almost as if they think our living it was our fault or we are just overreacting.

Even my sons will look at me odd sometimes if I am too open about things. I always his so much before that they only saw the public life. They are adults and from my first marriage.

My marriage to wh was a strain on my relationship with my sons. They did not like to be around him, he was always so tense, almost like a wall around him. I would be such a nervous wreck trying to make my sons feel welcome and also trying to pay attention to wh and not, God forbid, make him feel like he was not the center of attention.

Today, I spent all day with 2 of my sons, laying a carpet and getting his room ready.

They are off now loading the truck with his belongings. Tonight, my son is moving in with me! He wouldn't as long as wh lived here, too uncomfortable.

This is a huge gift for me. He is an adult, 28, but needs a relaunch. He was betrayed himself several months ago and is still recovering. His world was turned upside down. His life plans crushed. Now, he is beginning to see the light and I get to help him. I am so grateful for this time I will get to have with him.

Okay, I am making myself cry. Happy tears!


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I am making myself cry. Happy tears!

I'm crying happy tears too!!!

Therapist once told me to switch his words "me for you, and you for I." Then step back and repeat, I still do this little exercise when things he says aren't making sense. Then the world rights itself with this little game.

Kajem Knows the truth... and so does the tribe. It just takes a while for the truth to sink in, NPD installed a filter for the Bull Shite meter it's a shield to keep out the truth. We can't tell what is true and what is lies when NPD give it that secret encryption code that lets the truth bypass the bull shite meter.

One day the shields will come off and the filter will be fixed and the truth will be true and the lies will be spotted for the untruths they are. Keep the faith... one step at a time... even baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

Hugs to all of us... we WILL survive the NPD shitestorm.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem,

Words of encouragement, so helpful right now. Thank you.

I am beginning to believe the truth, although I have to remind myself constantly.

I seem to have this feeling was over me of such grief, feeling like I miss him so badly, confusion over the words vs. actions. I get this awful heartache from the images of him loving someone else, again, of me not being "enough".

I am starting to be able to catch them before they totally take over. I am beginning to be able to calm myself by telling myself the truth.

I do not miss him, only my illusion of him.
He does not love someone new, he is not capable of really loving.
I am enough, I deserve to be loved for who I am.
He is not enough, he does not posses the qualities that I value in others.
All his words were lies, he was just playing a role.
The cruel man is the real man and I do not want him in my life.

It seems so simple, the facts, but they don't eliminate the pain.

It is beginning to help though. Only two weeks since I saw the truth of him and I am getting better.

May I please fast forward???

I think his family is distancing from me now also and that may be for the best. The less connection I have with him the better. It does hurt though, I was a part of their lives for 14 years and they are choosing not to contact me.

The one person from his family calling me now is his father. His mother and father separated about 4 months ago, divorcing, they are in their 70's.

I am thinking something is way of with father in law. He was very kind and supportive on the phone, whatever you need, you are such a good person and I love you. Then he said that he was going to come visit, he lives about an hour away, how nice. Except then he proceeds to tell me that I need physical comfort and he is planning to spend the night and sleep in the bed with me and just hold me. "I promise you are safe, no sex".

WTF! I told him to please not come, my son is here now and I will be fine. I also told him that he was making me very uncomfortable with that suggestion.

He tried to talk me out of my discomfort. I am only trying to help you. I think it best if I end this relationship also! Who are these people???

I should have been firmer, I was a little too nice. This is an area that I have to strengthen. Recognize other inappropriate behavior and not worry about offending them, they have crossed the line, not me!

Putting this out in writing helps. It helps me to see it clearly. Not keeping it a secret helps me to see how inappropriate this really is.

I feel like I should just know that immediately. I should not feel like I am being mean by protecting myself.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to talk to people "on the outside". They have a hard time even conceiving of what this life is like. Almost as if they think our living it was our fault or we are just overreacting.

Isn't this the truth!!! I am so thankful for the tribe that gets it. I've learned that sometimes my posts need to be here to get advice pertaining to NPD issues because in DS and general people are trying to be helpful but really don't understand the depths of the disorder we all have on our hands.

Can, I agree with you. Your FIL offer was weird and inappropriate. Shields up.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2379 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help keep me strong . I have not responded but it is so hard.


Never ending texts.

"there is no "why" answer.Those are the easy question to ak me, because your hurt. I've watched my family closely all week, They are exactly like me, today my sisters aren't speaking to each other, my mom wishes she never planned this.Wife, I am a product of my past, mix in 30 years of drugs and drinking, I barely have feelings for anything that matters, even my own daughter, my heart is calloused over the years, just surviving.

Am I abe to love, yes, but only on my own terms.

I can't help you, only hurt you more, Please for your own sake, stay away from , at least then you'll have a chance to be happy.

I thought being sober would change my perspective. Give me tru feelings. no

I'm sorry you hurt so much. I'm even more sorry that I can't help you.

I swear all my subastance abuse has physically warped my brain.

Erased any part of me that feels.

Text me please, tell me your are getting by.

I've been in bed all day, wicked stomach bug.

I realize you're better off ignoring me."

This is just from today. I am trying so hard not to respond. I am going to bed. No response.

I called a friend instead of responding.

Just need to remain strong. No contact but I sure do want to.

Get rid of the f'ing phone! All just excuses for his choices.

Just please keep me strong. No Contact. No response. It is all manipulative. There is no heart in this because he has no heart.

The mean, abusive, controlling is the reality.

Just keep me strong.

Off to bed with the dogs, all three, they make me laugh, they are so pure.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me for just dropping in on this thread. I read here like crazy (as far back as I could) when I first signed up on the site in October and got a better grip on how to deal with XWS who is on the milder end of NPD but gaining speed. I completely removed myself (he continues to try to suck me back in) and limited contact to only when absolutely necessary about our kids and then only through emails and texts. All of that has been going well and I gained a great deal of clarity and healing. Thank you! Reading your stories and your mentoring and encouraging each other on this forum has helped me immensely!

However, how do I coach my tween in dealing with visitations? Tween and X were always at odds and now with the built up anger of my tween and life not shaking out as X's fantasy driven mind expected, X is being erratic again. I am contemplating coaching tween on 180. Anyone done this? Do you think it would be helpful?

As a side note, I did have my kids in counseling during the fall, but the counselor didn't understand the level of nasty, self absorbed, evil father they are dealing with and was basically throwing my kids in the lion's den without anything to protect themselves with! Being of age, teen completely cut off all ties with X at that point, but tween is having to struggle through visitations alone. I am looking for another counselor now.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((( Can ))))

Wow. Do these guys all have a script book or something that they all use? Those messages are heart-wrenchingly familiar.

Stay strong. You've got this. I hope you and your puppies are snuggled up and resting peacefully. I'm kinda jealous really, could use some puppy love myself.


"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are my next steps? Books to read? Just live life and see what happens? I'm in that place where I'm standing on both feet. As we all know, normally I would expect ex to come along and smash me down.

I was looking for similar information, NG. I'm over a year away from being divorced, but only a few months of resolving the financial abuse due to X's immediate jump into contempt of court after the divorce was final. I was worried what your ex would do, Nature. I hope that he is done trying to hurt you. My therapist tells me mine will never stop. I have firm NC except regarding finances, which helps a lot. He does continue to try and mess with me.

I have in the past done a lot of reading and counseling, but can't afford the counseling at the moment.

Kajem, have you used the Melanie Tonia Evans program? What in particular is helpful with it?

As for me, I find that I am still learning how much damage the abuse did. The negative voice in my head is still there at times, telling me that I will screw things up and people will take advantage of me. It's hard to get started on things because I think of what his negative review would be. I know it doesn't matter to me directly, but I also know that the bad-mouthing of me to my children will continue as long as he's living (I saw each of his divorced parents do that!). So I don't want to "fail" at anything, as it gives him ammunition to show my kids how I can't do things.

There! blegh I put it out there - that's supposed to help, right?


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, ML,

I understand your question. I gave my kids the same advice I give when they are dealing with a bully. It is ok to understand why the bully is mean, to even sometimes like the person that is a bully when they aren't being mean. But... that I expect my children to LOVE themselves more than anyone else and as such, they do not make excuses for other people's bad behavior towards them.

I think the 180 is a good tactic to give children. It increases confidence, that the behavior is NOT related to them or their fault.

When the kids share something that their dad did or talk about something he does as a reason WHY they don't want to go, I ask questions like "Is it ok for a person to say/or do this?" no. "What can we do about it if it happens?" speak up, walk away, ignore, etc. "What will happen if you do that?" Maybe nothing. That is a possibility. But giving the kids tools and options for dealing with the behaviors that they see is helpful.

My 9 year old in disbelief asked his dad one time "What is wrong with you?" Not that he got an answer, but I gave him props for knowing that was not normal behavior.

I try to keep my emotions and anger out of the conversation. I do express my frustration/upset that someone is mistreating someone I love and care about the same way I would if they were telling me that a teacher had hurt their feelings or embarrassed them. Doesn't mean I am going into the classroom to raise WWIII.

I have also at times had conversations where I said that I imagine there might be times where they feel guilty for not "sticking up for me" if OW or NPD says mean things. I told both boys it was not necessary for them to speak up. It does not hurt my feelings. I don't want them bringing trouble on themselves for something like that. If they feel like they are being asked to choose sides, then they have to choose the side that makes them safe.

I don't guilt them if they don't call. There is a lot of pressure to keep mom out of "his time." Unless of course he makes them call to tell me about the latest cool Disney Dad/outdoorsy guy thing they have done like chop wood or build a fire.

We have a code phrase that they know means I will come with the National Guard and get them if they use it so not to use it if they are sad or lonely.

Give your kids as many tools as you can think of to use in situations that they might face with the NPD. The 180 is a good one.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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