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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ML,

MTE has a couple of different programs out there. I am using the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It's a little new ageish. It works thru your feelings while nurturing your inner child. The result is tearing down the bad stuff that is holding me back and building up my self like I should have been growing up.

You have to be willing to face the painful feelings which I didn't want to. I'm very good at denial

She has several radio talk shows on you tube if you want to test the waters and see if it's for you.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids were so conditioned to be daddy's little helpers (aka the responsible party) that I had to ask " if Jenny's dad were in the same situation, what do you think he would do? ". " what would you do?" What do you think mr. Neighbor would do? ". To get them to see that there are other choices that could be made. More responsible alternatives to making someone else responsible for his actions and to point out the manipulations indirectly. It's helped.

Yes the 180 has given kids space to process the latest manipulation. And to gain strength and resolve to see the next manipulation when it happens, with the goal of disentangling from the narcs web.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

Cut ties with your creepy, weird, totally inappropriate FIL RIGHT AWAY!! OMG! I can't get over that! That might be one of the weirdest things I've ever read on here! Geez! Every time I think I've become unshockable...

(((Can)))


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I able to love, yes, but only on my own terms.
This is the nearest thing to truth you'll ever hear from him. If you have your blinders off and are paying attention, they'll often tell you EXACTLY who they are. It's just up to you to believe them.

The closest they can get to love is, "Can this person be used by me?" and the closest they can get to respect is fear of being exposed by you.


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver and Kajem,

Thanks for your input. It's been an incredibly hard day as more pieces of X's double life has been dumped on me at a family event. I am feeling rather naive. That others were as trusting as me is some conciliation.

Once I get my head on straight again, I will school my kids on dealing with their father.

Kajem, what is MTE?



Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTE = Melanie Tonia Evans.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa,

Isn't that the creepiest!!! I am still shocked. Who are these people. I look back and his family always presented this façade of close and loving and caring.

It just seems like everyone is showing themselves this year. Alignment of the planets? I just shake my head and think, I never knew any of them.

FIL said a whole lot more, that was just the synopsis. Inappropriate is a vast understatement.

My blinders are in the garbage, I think the trash collector all ready picked them up.

Wh is showing who he really is. I do believe him. Those moments of missing him are becoming less intense and further apart.

All I have to do is remind myself that the good qualities that I saw were only the façade, the truth is in what I lived and see now.

He is texting relentlessly. Threatening, not physically, but things like, "if you want to get mean I can be really mean", "you want to fight me, you know I fight back".

This is in response to my standing my ground about boundaries. No access to house. I refuse to give him my furniture. I have told him he needs to rent a storage for his tools, he is a "contractor". He thinks he should be allowed to work out of the garage. Not happening.

He is not capable of loving anyone. The initial chemical high but as soon as anything is required of him emotionally he runs.

It is funny all of the "hurtful" things he says just do not impact me the same. I don't believe them anymore. When you see who someone is their words just lose meaning, you can see the lies.

Filing on Monday. Wish I could afford a lawyer but just not possible. I have been reading like a fiend about divorce in CT.

I am doing better than I thought I would be at this point. It's been two weeks since dday #2 and I have already gone through the shock, the numb, the screaming pain and I might be at acceptance. Not sure yet but I am really doing ok.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I have to do is remind myself that the good qualities that I saw were only the façade, the truth is in what I lived and see now.
That's right. The facade was to reel you in and it won't be coming back. The mask is off.

I'm concerned about you going it alone through the divorce process. I'm sure the tribe will chime in about the absolute hell unleashed when divorcing an NPD. Maybe they'll have some resources to share with you. There's just nothing they (NPDs) won't do- you can be accused of addiction, molestation, theft, and on and on. It doesn't matter to them that none of it is true, they just want to win at any cost and it's a lot easier to do that when you have no conscience.


Posts: 10967 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can - save all those texts & give them to your lawyer. Your L may not know him, but you should tell him you feel threatened, and ask what can be done to address the threat? (PO, RO, etc.)

If you have limited contact to text and email, that gives you an advantage: printable proof of his assclownery.

Going back to struggling with his barrage of texts, can...tiky picked a good one out, another one is

I'm sorry you hurt so much. I'm even more sorry that I can't help you.

See that one. He is actually telling you he is more sorry for himself!
It is soo clear that everything eventually comes around to him (it's not really about you - at all).

I think it is very important to point something else out.
When you read his texts, or go back and re-read the ones you posted, I want you to notice how "sad" he is,
how his tummy hurts
he's not good enough
stay away from me for your own good
etc...

This is "the go-to play" on your empathy.
No doubt in my mind whatsoever that this is what hooked the majority of us into any kind of relationship with them.

Tribemembers, being uber-empathic beings, tend to fall for this.
Once you realize that the "poor-me" schtick is a play in their playbook to hook supply, you can distance yourself from the siren-song.

Another interesting thing. Why does it seem so sincere? Yes, it is partly due to our vulnerability, but too, I believe that in order to procure supply, they will dare approach, think about, get close to the "hated self".
It's not actually being there and inhabiting it fully, it's like they will consent to peek at it from afar, and what emotion are they trying to gin up? Well, it's sad is what it is!
That's why it seems so real, it's one of their best plays.

On the flip side -
When they dare to approach the other false self-image: the Unicorn,
you'll more often get their petty jealousies, their back- biting, ugly stuff - the rage,
...since they know that's false too,
& it just pisses them off to no end
when they find out
others know it's false too!

Keep up the NC. Document everything!


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ThoughIKnewYa,

I don't like the idea of handling the divorce alone either. I earn too much to qualify for legal aid, I checked. Of course I am not sure how I will pay for heat either! I seem to fall in the crack. I earn enough to survive but too much to get any help.

When he left last year it was without warning and it was a struggle for me financially. He was living on credit cards and not working at all. Since he moved home he has been paying off the credit cards and all my pay went for bills.

I just don't have any extra. Once my son finds a job it will get easier but for now it is hard.

I was able to put away $1000, but out of that $400 for filing fee and $380 for 100 gallons of oil. It does not leave much of a cushion.

I have been reading about the divorce laws in CT. It is a lot to try to understand.

The house is in my name only, mortgage in my name. No great shakes as it is maybe worth the mortgage at this point, no equity. My car is 12 years old, there is really not much to fight over. He will not pay alimony, he still owes the state of California about 10 years of back child support. How does that happen???

All the things that I have learned this year. I feel like I don't even know this man. He also has a felony drug conviction from before I met him. No one in his family ever told me any of this.

It was all a secret. I found out that the first 6 months that we were dating that he was smoking meth. Nice. I just don't know how he hid all this.

I am very nervous but I refuse to let it deter me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS can - you cracked me up with the 'blinders-in-the-garbage'!
You got me belly laffin at that one.
(guess you owed me hahaha!)

& Lemonade, if I'm not mistaken(?), I think cg coined the term:
re-parenting. Fits.
It sorrows me for you and your kiddos, that they have to deal with this.
hugs.


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Compartmented
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Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is texting relentlessly. Threatening, not physically, but things like, "if you want to get mean I can be really mean", "you want to fight me, you know I fight back".

Document ALL of this. Keep it all. I don't like the idea of you not having legal counsel either. Can you go to an abuse center and see if they have someone who can guide you? His behavior is only going to get worse.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry can, didn't know you didn't have a L.
I wonder, with your name being on everything, if you can legally lock him out...a question for D/S forum maybe...
hugs dear can!
Ugh! You need a L!

Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
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Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been to the abuse center. There is just no legal assistance available. Even though I just earn enough to survive, I earn too much.

The one thing that I did do on the night I found out was before I confronted him, I took all the house keys. He cannot get in without breaking the windows or doors.

Also, last year when he left, my sister had an alarm system installed for me. She was worried about me. I never gave him the code. It is monitored and the police come. It works. I set it off by accident on Christmas eve .

The only thing he has access to is the detached garage. There are things in there that he could take that I will need but they are only things.

Legally I cannot lock him out until the order for exclusive use of the home is granted. He is not questioning it so I am just being quiet.

I have been saving all the texts from him on my phone.

Also I know that if it becomes necessary the texts can be court ordered.

Turning the statements back on him seems to give me greater clarity. Every time he accuses me of being greedy, selfish, defective, it is him projecting who he is on to me.

Also, the poor me texts, what does he honestly want from me??? Last night, "I have never been loved", "I hate myself", "the biggest mistake I ever made was not loving you", that last one was hard to ignore but I did.

One that I just could not resist replying to and I know I should have was, "I used to have morals and character, but I lost them". I just could not resist, "did you leave them in your other pants?".

He actually stopped texting for a couple of hours after that. Just the stupidity of it makes me want to scream.

Rereading all of the "me, me, me" texts is helping me to maintain my emotional evenness. I am getting better. I am not in so much pain.

I am so very nervous. I do have my son here and that is so wonderful. I am cooking and eating better and even sleeping is improving.

Staying strong.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any mannerism, any type of behavior, any use of language, that can identify a sociopath?

According to Martha Stout, Ph.D., author of The Sociopath Next Door*, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is the pity play.

“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

The combination of consistently bad or inadequate behavior and frequent pity plays, Stout continues, is the closest thing to a warning you’ll ever get that you are being manipulated by a sociopath.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pity party and manipulation.

I have had so many discussions over the years about manipulation with "him".

He would freely admit to manipulating. He said he thought it was normal, that everyone manipulated and that I was naïve.

I believed him. I thought I was just too trusting. Maybe too open, or maybe more open than was normal.

I would often ask, "why manipulate, why not just ask for what you want or need?"

He said that I was an innocent.

Seeing him now, really seeing who he is, it is frightening. There seems to be no depth of feeling. I have seen kindness towards others but always in a public way, never in private.

Over this past year the pity parties have been a constant occurance.

I would trigger watching a movie, he would become angry that because of me, he could not watch that movie.

We would try to talk about the events of his affair, the first one, he was quite horrible.

He would often, almost cry, "what about me, when do I get empathy, you hurt me too"

It was a constant thread in therapy, when is it my turn. Our therapist would always reinforce that the damage must first be healed, the compassion and reassurance given by him and then we would be able to address the other issues. He would frequently bring it back to, "what about my needs, what about me"

He has no soul.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These last couple of post just brought up a memory of something he said to me while we were still trying to "R".

He saw some of my posts in Reconciliation, ones I shared with him, his comment to me was, "you are really out for the pity aren't you, poor me,you sure do like that pity party".

The shit we take in and believe! I took that in, felt ashamed, wondered if that was what I was doing. Now, I know I was looking for help, for clarity. I tried to be so honest and open in my posts. If anything I think I was overly fair to him in my recounting of events.

It was him projecting himself onto me.

I was looking for guidance from those who had walked this path before me.

I fell for it. I have been carrying that inside me. Was it a ploy to get me to stop posting, to stop getting other views because it might expose him?

He was so manipulative these last few months that it still shocks me.

About a month ago he started accusing me of inappropriate texts with someone. A male friend that is married. He was berating me because, "how would his wife feel?"

In reality we were texting about how to help him face what I could do to help him deal with all this and his wife knew, they had been through this and wanted to help. He had even been texting with wh.

I had the wife call wh to confirm that this was okay with her. He was so angry at me for that also. He would not believe me but did not want proof of my innocence either.

He wanted to believe I was guilty, deceiving him because in reality he was deceiving me and it made him feel justified.

What a pile of crap.

How do you ever trust again?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you ever trust again

^^^^^^^thats the million dollar question!!!!!!

I'm thinking the answer is to learn to trust myself and my bull shite meter. Then be willing to be vulnerable again.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to domestic violence center yesterday. She seemed very smart, one of the first words out of her mouth after I told my story was narcissistic abuse. Wow. Okay. It is real. I am not crazy, overreacting, too sensitive, dramatic, too emotional, too weak, too fearful. I also know where all those labels for myself come from too. I just have to keep remembering they are not who I am. They are lies to control me.

She is going to try to get me legal help. That would mean so much. I am afraid of doing this myself but will if I have to. That in itself is strong and not "too fearful".

Also she gave me a resource for energy assistance. I hope I can qualify as I have 1/8 of a tank of oil and wood is almost gone. I have $1000 in the bank but am so afraid to spend it. I have no other fall back and that is not very much in this world.

He is texting me again. "I love you", "I have always loved you", "this hurts so bad", "please". I do know that if new ow did not have a scary boyfriend he would not be giving me a second thought. Just have to keep that forefront in my mind.

It also helps that my son is here and I would be ashamed to give in. I would feel like I was betraying myself. I will hold on to this, I will let my sons opinion and respect for me help keep me strong.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Appointment with Energy Assistance program tomorrow at 9:30 am!!! They think I will qualify, this would be such a huge help, I have been so worried about this and just didn't know what to do.

I was so happy when she said I met the income requirements that I started crying. I just hope that they have the flexibility to not count wh income.

I am hoping.

There should be a retreat for people that go through this crap. Two weeks of kindness and nurturing. Hot tea and hugs. Unlimited naps. And lots of tissues. Hot baths. All done for you, to make you feel loved and cared for again.

I read sometimes now in JFO. It is so heartbreaking. So many people going through so much pain and feeling so alone.

It is inhuman.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
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