He is such a blessing to me. I know it every day. There are so many things around the house that he is fixing, things that were just beyond me.
Also, it is just so nice to have him here. To see him starting to recover and enjoy his life again. I see him look at me though, as if he is worried for me, doesn't quite understand. I am trying to act "normal", I think I am doing a pretty good job but I know he sees the changes in me that I have not quite recovered from.
The crazy sleep schedule, the forgetfulness, the confusion, things that are so unlike me. The trucker mouth, I never and I mean never used to swear. Now I say words that I never knew existed. That is one thing I am going to start addressing right now. That is not me and I do not like it.
I am cooking again which is something that I love to do. I just couldn't find the motivation before. Now, even if I don't feel like it, I do it anyway, I guess love is a great motivator.
I am so impressed with him. He is really such a good guy. I am a proud mom.
I am so lucky to have him.
Did you ever just feel like you wanted your brain to yourself? I seem to be having these conversations over and over in my head. I want to yell shut up! I think that is called ruminating? Trying so hard to stay focused on the present but damn it is hard.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I had a very striking moment of clarity the other day, I was kind of marveling at H's lack of involvement in something the kids were doing when it struck me that it is no different from his behavior all these years. The difference is that I am no longer drawing him in, no longer interceding with the kids on his behalf, no longer going out of my way to include him. He has always been this way, floating around in his own bubble, waiting for me to lasso him and draw him in, waiting for me to figure out what he needs and fix it. Ugh.
I have this fantasy though that is hard to get rid of. I want so badly to be able to talk to him about all of this, to lay it out, show him the abuse, the pain, and the why of how I can never go back to what he wants. Not because I think he will understand my pain, but because I wish so much he would understand that enough is enough. I've been laying groundwork that people will admire us for having an amicable divorce, and he seems to really appreciate that perspective, even if he is not ready to accept it quite yet. I feel downright Machiavellian. This is really hard for me, I prefer to have things out in the open and I am so used to constantly checking with him and keeping him informed about what is going on that not doing that stresses me out and I am fighting feelings of guilt, even though I know that I am not doing anything wrong. It is getting better though, and to make myself feel better I tell myself that if he came right out and asked about anything, I would be honest and tell him. Odds are that he will never ask because he doesn't want to know the truth. If he wanted to be involved, he would get involved.
It is also irritating because he's gone Scriptural all over Facebook and in emails, all about forgiveness and repentance.
I don't really know why I am writing this to you all right now, other than that I know I am on the road to having him out shortly, and I am taking the small steps, but it is so slow and I feel so alone. I have lots of help with the big steps, but the in-the-meantime part is paralyzing. How do you deal with the emotional bits and begin a whole new life that is different from anything you ever imagined doing?
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.
I posted in DS that my asshole exWH never bothered to ask if I needed help getting his kids to safety during a major blizzard we experienced in my area. He only worried about getting himself and probably the slunt to safety while me, my 71 year old mother and my fantastic neighbors helped me. He never texted or called to talk to the kids or ask if we had power or heat.
I know I can't argue or make sense of crazy. But, I vacillate between thinking that he is simply incapable of acknowledging us during these times or else he would have to acknowledge that he left us OR thinking that he is nothing but a cruel, cold blooded monster who swims around in an empty life like a fucking white shark. I also wonder whether OW watches him like a hawk and gives him a bag of shit every time he makes contact with me.
I just don't know. I could almost understand divorce. Almost. But, I have other friends who are divorced who aren't necessarily amicable with the ex spouse and they would never think to ignore their kids during a state of emergency.
I read somewhere that the complete ostracism is something that hurts us, but, when cut down to its core, it symbolizes the pure hatred that the narcs have for themselves. The energy it must take to ignore children and people they once "loved" means they are playing a fool's game because all it does is suppress the pain they experience each and every day.
I'm just pissed off right now so I need the tribe to set me straight and give me a little something to grab onto to make me feel better. My kids matter and it kills me that their father treats them like they don't.
The hardest thing for me to handle in the first few months was NOT telling him anything about me, my day, what I had found out about talking to lawyers, what MY rights were- that I knew them and was not accepting what rights he gave me. OMG... I can feel the stress coming back just thinking about it.
I kept a rubberband around my wrist, when I felt like telling him something about me.. I snapped it.... It sucked to have to do that, it was the only way I could think of to break that habit quickly.
I needed it again a couple of years later, when my kids decided if daddy wants to know something, daddy can ask. Mommy was not allowed to tell daddy, they wanted him to show interest in them on his own, without me telling him he needed to feign interest. It's taken him almost 10years to finally start showing interest.
Keep coming here, so you don't have to sit on your hands or give yourself a permanent red line across your wrist. New habits take time to form... Keep up the good work.
I just don't know. I could almost understand divorce. Almost. But, I have other friends who are divorced who aren't necessarily amicable with the ex spouse and they would never think to ignore their kids during a state of emergency
Now you're comparing apples and oranges. Well you're really comparing normals and narcs.
Let's compare narcs... in 2004, 5 hurricanes came thru central florida. My XH and NW work in emergency management for the state. He gets updates on hurricane paths before they are made public... he is one of the people who get to vote on evacuation routes, areas etc. so it makes sense. One particular hurricane was coming up the center of the state. I LIVE with OUR 4 kids in the center of the state. he called me and advised me to evacuate, head north on a certain road and to call him before I got to RteXX. They would know better whether it was going east or west a little later. I do what he told me.. I call as Im getting to the intersection.. he tells me to head east toward daytona beach. A friend of his calls me right after he does... and asks me if the kids and I are ok. I explain that kids and I've evacuated and I'm heading toward daytona.. he tells me to go west toward ocala. I head west.....
We would have been on the road the time the hurricane hit in a full size van that acts like a sail in windy weather.
I got more stories... if you like...
tornado went thru my backyard and in its destructive path took out several other buildings and injured several people very seriously. He never called to see if we were ok. His parents called him, he didn't know. They called my house-phone was out. They called my mother and got that we were ok. OW/NW's DD didn't get the memo we were ok, she called my cellphone to find out if her stepsisters were ok.
Friend's H came home one day, told his wife she looked so tired and she looked like she needed a vacation, in come the men from the mental hospital to take her away for a 72 hour mental health hold. He told the sherriff that she was a danger to herself and her 5yo twins. She came out in 72 hours and he was gone with the kids. When the courts finally caught up with him, he had told the kids that mommy was dead. They believed she was a ghost and were so scared of her.
it sucks... but we are better off without them, no matter where we get help from, its better we don't count on them for anything.
[This message edited by Kajem at 8:25 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
Sucks, I hear you. It is so mindblowing to realize how little anyone else matters! I get really angry with my WH sometimes at how he treats the kids, but they don't really notice because it is all the same to them. I have to chalk it up to more that he misses out on because he doesn't know how to value it. His loss. I can't make him be a good father any more than I could make him be a good husband.
It is hard enough for just myself. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I can understand how much harder it must be. Anything that hurts your children breaks your heart too.
Just an update for me. Waiting on approval for energy assistance, it will be so helpful. Wh came to the house yesterday and took all the split wood so I really need the oil.
Meeting with a lawyer from legal aid on Tuesday.
Wh is inundating me with texts. Going from "I love you", "we are meant to be together" to "I hate you for ruining our chances", "fuck you" and then back to "you may move on but I never will", "good night sweetheart".
It is creeping me out. This was all within an hour and no response from me.
It is unnerving. The shift in mood.
Just being very careful. Alarm on all the time. Car doors locked. I sometimes chide myself for being too nervous, too scared. Then I just remind myself that I really don't know who he is.
It really does feel like the Twilight Zone. He feels like a total stranger to me now that I see him.
I want to get to a place where I feel sorry for him for being such a messed up human being.
I already do feel sorry for him, but he's also criminal!
So I'm torn.
I'd like to feel sorry for him and put him in a jail cell. Like other criminals who steal from people.
Unfortunately that is not an option.
My sympathy toward him is shortlived.
[This message edited by Kajem at 1:47 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
What sort of behavior can I expect after I tell him we're done?
Will he go quietly or will he become vindictive?
He doesn't have enough money to live on his own, and will likely prefer to stay here. Since he does what he wants, when he wants, I won't be able to get rid of him until I sell house in spring.
I imagine he will become fully passive aggressive and it will be hellish, stressful and deplete my energy and balance.
I really don't have an answer for you about what to expect.
Mine left easily but he had a new "friend".
That did not last because she had a boyfriend.
He is respecting my boundaries, almost. He notifies me before coming to the house and does not come in. Well, that is because I took his keys before I confronted him and I have an alarm that he does not have the code for.
He does go on these texting binges. From the pity party to the anger and blaming me then back to the pity party.
I honestly do not trust him and I am being very careful in my movements. Alarm on at all times. Car doors locked. Careful coming and going from the house, especially at night. Almost makes me happy for winter, I feel safer in the house.
I don't know how he will react after he gets served with the papers.
I would suggest being prepared ahead of time. See a lawyer before you let him know your plans. Know your rights.
Making sure you and your kids are safe needs to be your first priority.
These are just my thoughts. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along to offer more advice.
Hugs to you.
They do the weirdest things.
I had to password protect my resume because he goes in there and adds grid lines.
Proofread a paper my son wrote for final at school.
Had to proofread again because he went in and changed the spelling so it would be wrong.
Pisses on the floor and blames my son.
Hid my college course catalogue from me.
Dumb sick shit like that.
Either to divide and conquer or just sabotage.
I believe he's called employers and told them lies about me.
Why are they so GD sick?
I don't understand this!
[This message edited by loveisareddress at 5:14 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.
How far my xh was willing to go to throw me under the bus was what gave my therapist he idea to diagnose him as NPD-she'd never met him.
Expect your most angry h to show up when he finds out you want to end the marriage. I knew my XH would be vindictive, I did not expect him to use his kids as pawns so blatantly. That was my mistake.
We may not be able to officially diagnose our EXs of NPD, but my IC said that in the 20 yrs of being a marriage/family therapist, STBX is the worst case of a narcissistic sociopath she's ever heard of. It was both exhilarating and humiliating to hear this. In one aspect, it's nice to know that it isn't me, that he truly is a ruthless-selfish-cheating-lying-crazy-piece of shit! The other aspect is that I feel so fucking stupid, like I'm one of "those" women to have been taken and made to be a co-dependent pathetic woman! It is truly humiliating to have put up with so much for so long. I know it will get WAAAAAY worse through the D, and I'm sure it will be bad for a long while after, but I pray that someday I'll find myself, be independent, and be the great mom and great 7th grade teacher I know I can be. It is both exhilarating and terrifying to be free (almost), to find out who I am and find out what my likes and dislikes are.
"how do you say I'm sorry to your wife after what I've done??!"
11pm last night, not to me but to new ow with boyfriend that is a biker and very tough
"are you ready"
"two fingers up your ass"
this is normal???
who the hell is this man???
I printed to bring to lawyer along with other texts to me. I feel like an observer, this is my life? how did I get here?
It still hurts. I wish it didn't but it does.
They are not normal.
That being said, it's standard operating procedure for them to groom supply wherever they can score it. Just like an addict. Dealer #1 had little to no supply- onto dealer #2 for more supply, if he can score from dealer #3 he'll do that also.
I know your probably not wanting to hear this-if he's texting OW-chances are he isn't with her. My guess he's someplace else trying to meet the third dealer.
It has nothing to do with you, he can't handle that you've seen his true self. You see him as human, he wants to br adored. Hard to adore someone who causes your heart to break.