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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still walking on eggshells to a point. DD4 ( just 18) is a little spy for XH. A lot of the things she shares at both houses. The difference is XH's actions regarding the info shared. So I keep her out of the loop, in order not to hurt my other kids.

And I feel guilty for doing it. I also wonder if this hiding is hurting my relationship with her. She doesn't see the correlation between her sharing and his actions. Just like her older sisters didn't at this age. They all saw it once they were out on their own and discussing stuff with friends who questioned XH's motives.

Hopefully she sees the writing on the wall.

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't been to the NPD Thread for a while, didn't think I needed to anymore.

BUT I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE PETTY CRAP he continues to do if he can so he can f... with me.

Won't do what the court ordered him to and I know that if I file to take him back to court for contempt of court, he will just do it so I am out of the money.

THEIR F'ED LOVE FOR US JUST KEEPS ON GIVING LONG AFTER we divorce them.

I know that divorcing him was the best thing I ever did, but the afterbirth of the experience just drags me back into the hate I feel for him just because he refuses to do anything he is told to.

How do you ever forgive someone that does stuff just to mess with you, over and over again.

I hope he meets a woman from hell that spends all the money, screws around on him, and them leaves him when he is can't take care of himself.

Just this type of stuff makes me want to hide in my home and never trust any other man again. And the only reason I say man is that I am a woman, I'm sure men feel exactly the same about women after these NPD's experiences.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 9:30 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
SoHurt
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Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is brilliant! My learning style is definitely analogy based. SoHurt, thank you for a true light bulb moment.

You're more than welcome, CG. I also learn well that way, so it's how I'm always looking at things. It just makes things easier for me to analogize them into understandable things.

I feel like the "brilliant" part was a bit much, though. But I am smarter than I was led to believe. Thank you for such a wonderful compliment, and I'm glad I could give you something that helped me articulate what I was thinking and feeling about this "study."

[This message edited by SoHurt at 1:26 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I am smarter than I was led to believe.

Everybody here should take this little gem to the bank.
It deserves bold, rather than just quotes.

Why? It has to do with healing. Specifically, healing the self-talk, the negative self-talk we've been damaged with, suffered through, and have to "deal with".

Thren mentioned stumbling into NB (& out) - and I feel this has something to do with that process.
A bit of review.
I remember reading about 'filling your spouse's emotional needs' & the horrifying certainty that I could never do that.

It has taken me a long time to even approach the suckingmonsterthatbitmebefore

...and acknowledge that it's ok to have emotional needs.
The healthy ones...like a feeling of safety (a big one for me), no eggshell walking (tougher, because well, I don't want to go around blurting just anything out, stepping on toes, hurting feelings, etc. There's still tact, and politeness, and courtesy to be expected).

Flipping negative to positive self-talk:

I can do this for her, fix this for her
becomes;
It's ok for me to have healthy emotional needs

Why do I want to call, contact, stay with my pet? becomes;
Why do I want to be with an abusive psychopath?
Which then naturally leads to;
I need to leave the abusive psychopath!

Flip it. Flip it all. Reject those negativeass thoughts they used to keep you ensnared.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody here should take this little gem to the bank.
It deserves bold, rather than just quotes.

This I agree with completely, jj. It's so hard to overcome those things we've endured, but this is truly the beginning of healing. Taking back what I can includes remembering that I'm smart, much smarter than he ever wanted me to be. What's harder, though, is not just remembering that, but forgiving myself for ever forgetting. For being blinded for even one moment. For losing myself through his abusive, psychopathic bludgeon.

That's the really hard part. My IC says I do shame in amazing ways.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody here should take this little gem to the bank.
It deserves bold, rather than just quotes.
This I agree with completely, jj. It's so hard to overcome those things we've endured, but this is truly the beginning of healing. Taking back what I can includes remembering that I'm smart, much smarter than he ever wanted me to be. What's harder, though, is not just remembering that, but forgiving myself for ever forgetting. For being blinded for even one moment. For losing myself through his abusive, psychopathic bludgeon.

^^^^^^This

I can remember a few months after he left, I was having trouble with the computer and discovered his secret files on the computer . It took me a day to hack into them. Up until that point I had suspected the PA. I knew it was EA. I got my proof when I hacked his accounts. I was devastated, then proud of myself. I was a computer geek back when they took up whole rooms. In our marriage HE was the computer expert.

It felt good then, still feels good when I think about it.

I need to remember things like this on days when I am down. I am capable.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhantomLimb
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Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there!

My WS appears to have a PD with strong NPD features.

I'm in IC now trying to pull myself out of the fog and understand how I missed it.

But what I want to ask you guys about it the phenomenon of a NPD who falls off the map after DDay. We went through about 3 weeks of back and forth where he raged, sent tons of I-focused texts, or completely ignored me. He took the A underground and, when it came to light, I got a final rage blowout (I should mention that he never really raged at me before DDay so it was really scary).

I told him I had to go NC. I wanted him to have to live with his decisions. And I felt like what I was experiencing at his hands was abusive.

Since then I literally have heard nothing from him. He even changed his phone plan this week and I don't even know his number. Our lease was up in July and he wasn't planning to renew... So I don't even know where he is.

The only connection we had was FB. He was posting manically after DDay. The theme was always how great his life is. He went home for a visit and was posting about visiting places where he used to "kiss and break up with girls". He made sort of sexualized comments on some of my girlfriend's posts. He would post huge happy bday messages to my girlfriends as his status, but completely ignored my bday when it came up (on FB and IRL). He knew I was getting a new car and he kept posting memes about how bad cars are for the environment and how great bikes are (he rides a bike to work).

My IC said he thought it was fair to say all of that was directed at me. WTF? Cheating on me, causing me to quit my job, etc wasn't enough?

After a couple of months I unfriended him. Magically he then started to appear on gchat again. I blocked him. A few days later is when he changed his phone number/left our plan.

Maybe I'm associating things I shouldn't here... But it just seems to me like he wants to go to all lengths to avoid me, on one hand, but it just seems weird to me that he would passive aggressively communicate with me in other ways.

Am I out of line here? Has anyone else experienced something like this?


BS / D

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jun 2013
Threnody
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Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it just seems to me like he wants to go to all lengths to avoid me, on one hand, but it just seems weird to me that he would passive aggressively communicate with me in other ways.

Am I out of line here? Has anyone else experienced something like this?

All this went down for me in 1995, so bear in mind the technology then.

On the university network, we had profiles we could put quotes or whatever on. We weren't even students there any more, but alum could keep their accounts indefinitely. My N spent months -- MONTHS -- posting things in his profile for me. Song lyrics, a sentence about something he'd done that I'd once suggested (restaurants especially;he insisted on home-cooked meals and I never got the chance to go to some of the restaurants he ended up "loving"), etc. I shouldn't have looked, but I did. Sometimes he'd update this a couple of times a day. At first, I couldn't be sure it was aimed at me. A friend suggested I respond on my own profile in some way to see what happened, so I chose some song lyrics (a few lines from Tori Amos' "Silent All These Years"). Sure enough, his changed within an hour or so. Tori Amos song lyrcs. "China." Just mind-boggling. He didn't even LIKE her! I didn't think he knew any of the songs at all. (I would later find out from a mutual friend there was yet another woman involved in his life at the time, and he got the lyrics from her liner notes.)

This went on for quite a while. He'd write, I'd kind-of respond. It was sick. I was sick, crazy out of my mind with what I'd done (leave my abuser! get to decide things for myself! OMG!). After about five months, I felt I was healthy enough to meet him in a public place to discuss what had happened. On my profile, I simply wrote one location at a local park, and a time and day. No "meet me" or other words. Just place, date, and time.

I went. I took a book because I figured there was no way he was going to show up. He appeared, 10 minutes late. He immediately launched into tears, explanations, etc. I just sat. I can't even tell you what I was thinking, except, "Gross." Enough time had passed and I was only seeing this really pathetic Gollum-like creature. I wasn't seeing the strong, stoic, oh-so-wonderful person who had killed my spirit. I answered only a few questions, asked only a few. After about 30 minutes, I said I appreciated his time, picked up my book, and walked away. That was it. I'd seen all I needed to. I'd heard more than I needed to. It confirmed for me that he was disturbed, just as my counselors had been telling me.

We still had a business together, and I'd taken steps to wrap up my part in it through legal channels. For whatever reason, seeing him mewling at the park gave me enough strength to actually go in to the office for about three weeks to finish what needed to be done so we could finalize the transfers of various things. This whole period of time was strange, like I'd become some sort of Gulliver with a foot in two Lilliputian towns. I just felt so much bigger than where I'd been and where I was going. I was mid-stride, and huge enough I could have a foot in both but not be affected by what was happening down on the ground.

Things were wrapped up, I shook his hand at the door on a Friday afternoon, and that was the end. I had a date that night I was looking forward to (with my now-husband, if you must know ), and I went home to check email before getting ready in case the date plans had changed or something. Like an idiot, I looked at X's profile. Single word. "Bitch."

I had the best date of my life that night.

The nice was for show, the loving messages were for show, the whole damned thing was a show. When I left again anyway, he couldn't handle it.

Since then, he's stalked me online. Social media is a huge part of my job, and he's managed several times to contact me through it. Maybe contact isn't the correct word. He's never said a thing. Just followed/friended sort of stuff. The names are names of my childhood pets, a book I liked then, stuff like tht. If I look at the accounts he creates, there's always something I assume is meant for me in the profile. It's sick. He's sick. I block and go on. There's nothing else I can do. Telling anybody but Mr. Threnody about it makes me sound like a paranoid. So I don't, really.

Ns are generally weak, of abysmal self-esteem. I'd be surprised if a cerebral N actually knew their own thoughts enough to communicate in any meaningful way. The best they can do is this wild cowboy-shooting-over-his-shoulder-as-he-flees method of of contact. I think it's pretty common, from what I've heard other survivors say. But remember, it's not the only game the N is playing. You're not ever, ever the only target. He'll be working on getting his narcissistic supply from someone else at the same time he's doing all the signaling to you.

I can only tell you that if you pay attention to him, it's going to take you longer to heal. I could kick my own ass several times just for giving him all those extra months rent-free in my head.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
curiouswiz
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Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I am smarter than I was led to believe.

Oh yes. It was a major point for him to constantly make announcements that he likes to read too!? Huh? I read a lot, always have one going. I bought him a book because this was said so often. He made a great show of reading it...

The feeling of there being something just "off" was a constant that I simply could not put my finger on. What a moron I feel like somedays when I realize or remember things that have been discounted over the years. True emotional shut down on his part so many times and I let it go and figured he was working it out in his mind. Little did I know he was storing things away and twisting them around and around until he was justified in being cruel.

The wild cowboy shooting over his shoulder as he leaves is exactly what I got in those last moments. Shooting wildly at me. Shooting whatever came to mind to hurt me. And always saying at the top of his lungs "I'll do whatever the fuck I WANT TO DO!!!" Exit stage left.

I hate to love this tribe but here I am and so very grateful to have found you. I feel the healing daily and it's becoming wonderful to be alive again..it's slow progress yet progress every day, thank you.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
HURTAGAIN1981
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Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren,

That was an amazing story and really helped me to read that today!

I am/was in the same kind of pattern with his contact and yes it is/was sick. Love the part about you going on a date that night who turned out to be your husband :)

I have implemented NC as of yesterday. It's hard and as soon as I did it I felt shakey and started crying. UGHHH! He did reply by saying, 'I'm sorry :( take care piglet'.... Head is a bit all over the place today! He hasn't contacted me either. I know that's a good thing though. I do think I feel a little relieved. At least now him not contacting me is on my terms. Already, little things are starting to come back to me.

Once not too long ago, when we were messaging (I don't remember what about), I answered with a 'Kk' as in ok...

Well he said that looked rude... those two k's looked rude. WHAT?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'll do whatever the fuck I WANT TO DO!!!"

Geez! They must come with a script that they memorize!! I can't tell you how many times I've heard versions of that. If I told him it hurt that he didn't call me, he'd give me some version of how that's not relationships work, you call when you want to not because someone tells you to...

The NPD behaviors are also emotional abuse, and a lot of it is very subtle, almost in the form of "helping" you.

Did anyone find that the NPD was almost like an addiction that was bad for you at first (and many years later) because of their charm, etc it can seem so good, and then BAM the zingers, negligence, etc?


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone find that the NPD was almost like an addiction that was bad for you at first (and many years later) because of their charm, etc it can seem so good, and then BAM the zingers, negligence, etc?

YES!!!!!! And this is the addiction I feel I am dealing with now. From the start, he was telling me how he had been hurt in the past, he was damaged.... that you had to peel back the layers at first, that last bit was in his dating profile.

So I took his behaviour to mean that he was scared of being hurt again. He was terrified of relationships apparently, scared of commitment, felt he was never good enough for anyone, all his words. Now I realise that this was all a cover to hide what was really going on.

Nothing made sense. I always felt I wasn't good enough so I was determined to prove I was. He would say things now and then that made me feel that he did care about me after all. Was full on, then would pull back. I tried many times to get the hell out of it, but everytime I pulled away, he came back saying the right things to pull me back in. It was the constant craving his affection throughout the relationship that had me 'addicted' I think and getting very little in return. But then when I did get something, it seemed worth it and I carried on trying and trying.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren, that story is awesomesauce! Love it!

When they fall off the map,
flip it.
Instead of being puzzled and wondering (which is what they want),
consider it a blessing.

I agree with the addiction aspect of this...why the heck else are we looking and letting the free rent happen?

Work it work it work it. Get free!


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
gma56
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Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I am smarter than I was led to believe
YES ! I was lead to believe I couldn't make an informed decision either. My opinions didn't matter.

My NPD would subtly degrade me and that he was so superior in everything, I was such a lucky woman to have him. The sad part is I believed him ! UGH !

When FT walked out without even a glance back to me, it's the best thing he ever gave me.
NC is the hardest thing to do when still under their NPD spell but it's the only way to survive and rebuild your life. Believe me they truely don't give a damn once the feed is broken and they can't control your life.

[This message edited by gma56 at 7:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

One of our theme songs. Seems appropriate to the current conversation.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NPD would subtly degrade me and that he was so superior in everything, I was such a lucky woman to have him.

Was just thinking about this recently. He'd get upset when it took me too long to do something and he sighed "Wouldn't it be great if I could clone myself so I could marry me?"


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
gma56
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Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Wouldn't it be great if I could clone myself so I could marry me?"
Oh Lord ! If this isn't a NPD statement.

Maybe we need to start writing all the "You can't make this shit up statements that come out of their mouths!"


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be TMI for some but the ending has some karma.

It's been awhile (5 yrs ) but one (Can't make this shit up") I never have posted before:

During our one and only HB session we had because his statement after PISSED me off so bad !

He said the BJ I just gave him was the BEST he ever had. I was so pissed because we had been together 27 yrs and married 22 yrs at the time. I think I had figured out exactly what he liked by then and I didn't do anything different. He was comparing me to his recent Twats and Whores ! When he said it, it came out like he needed a way to explain to his whores how he liked it.

That was the last time for anything with me. What did he want me to do ? Teach THEM what he likes or write down FT's BJ directions ????? Fuck NO !

So my sweet revenge was in Dec when we had to go and change a car title to me. I was driving him back to his sister's house and I asked if Twat's BJs had improved and if he ever figured out what I did different. Really I asked !!!
He said he doesn't get them like mine.
So I asked if Twat gives them at all to him because it is his favorite sex play.
He said it was none of my fucking business.

So he left me for someone that doesn't even give him what he loves. ETA: He married her too !
Yeah, sweet karma.

[This message edited by gma56 at 9:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To wontdefineme:

Won't do what the court ordered him to and I know that if I file to take him back to court for contempt of court, he will just do it so I am out of the money

I would file for the contempt pro se everytime I could. If you qualify, you may get court fee waiver.

The court will not look fondly at him when they keep seeing repeat behaviors from him. The first time they might give some pity but after that it's a waste of court money and time. They don't like it !
I know it would be so frustrating for you but it's not for you, it's for the kids.
Yep, the NPD will do whatever they want (rules don't apply to them)and mess with you but exposing them will sometimes help. Many just want to look like the good guy.
Hugs


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SweetheartVixen
♀ Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gma,

Your post about BJs just made my day. TOO funny~!1


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


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