I believe that one absolutely can recover from narcissistic abuse. It takes time and work, but I feel confident that in a few years, you'll be amazed at how strong, powerful, and fantastic you are.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
(((CAN)))<<<<those are WARMING hugs!
Wh came to the house yesterday and took all the split wood
Hopefully I will hear if I qualify for energy assistance tomorrow. I only have a tiny bit of oil left, less than 1/8 and I am trying to make it stretch until I hear. I hate to spend the money on oil, minimum $360 for 100 gal. If I get assistance that money could be used for other things, like saving for an emergency.
Son may have found a job. That will help but I also do not want to become dependent on his help. My goal is to become as self sufficient as possible. I never want to feel so vulnerable again.
I saw wh texts, he is planning on splitting all the wood and selling it. He already has a deal with someone.
This is the man that texts me that he will love me forever but leaves me with no money, no oil and takes my only source of heat. What a guy.
Glad he is not my guy anymore. All the drama will soon be a part of my past, not a part of my life.
This still sucks.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
wh is texting again tonight. He wants to dedicate his life to me. What the hell does that mean??? I want to reply, give two fingers to yourself! don't know if anyone understands but it was a text to his "girlfriend" regarding her ass. yup, just after texting me how much he loved me.
Jerry Springer for sure. I called his sister and told her to call him. He needs some help but not from me.
It sucks. It still hurts. This is not what I wanted in my life. I was not given a choice. Now I have a choice, the drama is not mine.
It still sucks.
When I had to change the utilities to my name alone I would share everything with the other person on the end of the phone. They have heard it all and were some of the most empathetic people.
You are a strong person!
Exactly one week prior to last night, he offered to move out.
I think he did it to scare me, but I got to thinking about it and asked him how we would go about it. Because if it isn't going to work out shouldn't we have some kind of plan?
Of course, I was right. He only said it because he was angry. Whenever he's angry it's my fault.
FF to last night.
He walks in, asks me for a minute of my time-I bristle at this-this is how he starts his rages.
Wants to take me out to an expensive Italian restaurant that we've never been to(yes, we have several times but I digress)for our anniversary.
Was thinking about something very sweet I said the other day about preserves.
Went to the store, he sees strawberry preserves on sale and grabs a jar, but since he was making noise about blueberry, I told him let's go look at the other stuff, maybe he will find something he likes better. And he does. He goes for the triple berry stuff.
Now a day or two later, I felt guilty about that. What if he really did want strawberry? I felt like I just kind of ran him over and it was bugging me, so I told him. No, no, thanks for thinking of me, but I really wanted the triple berry.
He is crying about this of all things when he is asking me out to dinner. Of all the things he could cry about. I think he was really thinking about how much a divorce would cost.
My daughter asked me why he was crying this morning.
When I told her, she almost fell out of her chair laughing.
I told her he's trying to suck me back in.
They are both sick right now. No throwing up or fever but they are soldiering on to school so they don't have to hear about it later.
Shut the vacuum sweeper off please!
You're wasting electricity!
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.
I met my X when he moved to my state from down south. I always thought it was a little weird that he immediately began supporting the local sports teams, becoming sort of the local "expert" on our neighborhood and whatnot... not to mention he blended immediately in with my family. It was weird because, when he did it, he was able to completely give up his old alliances. Hardly talked to old friends, didn't really follow the teams from his home town... hardly even talked about home.
But when he did go home for a visit, he became another person. He got sort of cold and pushy... almost rude. Like I was infringing on his space.
When we moved to another state together, he did the same thing. Morphed into a guy who was only about things having to do with his new location. Stopped watching the same sports, TV shows, everything. When our mutual friends would come for a visit, he acted like they were a nuisance.
And it wasn't too long before I was replaced by coworker who worked in his new business.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
He wants to dedicate his life to me.
Just FYI, according to the "How to Be a NPD Jerk" handbook my XWS carries around, the above words could mean a few things...
1. A ploy for your sympathy.
2. He wants to dedicate his life to you...in order to make you crazy, miserable, defeated, etc.
3. Both of the above.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
Came across this link about how an NPD tries to distort a family members identity and was spot on when describing my XWH and how he treated/treats his two daughters differently. One he has tried to make in his own image (16yo) and the other is dismissed (14yo). Thank God that he traveled a great deal and I was the primary influence on their emotional development and my younger one that was dismissed is in therapy and getting stronger and healing. Also her older sister has recognized that they were treated differently and does not like it and sees that it was wrong.
Hope this helps as it surely put into words what was happening in my house. I am so glad he is gone and sees them EOW and some in the summer, 50/50 would have been a nightmare.
Now I'm really and truly thinking sociopath.
But labels aren't helping. I'm 2.5 years into this divorce, and I'm in a huge child custody battle. I'm seriously scared he's charming the evaluator - or at least convincing him that his compulsive obsessions with seeking violent, anonymous S&M sex (bondage, beatings, humiliation) with strangers in our big city is actually okay.
He's been a diagnosed SA for almost ten years and seen several CSATs etc, but he's told the child custody evaluator that I made up the diagnosis myself. And that he only went to SA treatment and 12-Step Programs through the years because I am a repressed frigid woman (!) who forced him to do it and told him he was a SA all by myself! When I'm not frigid, I'm physically and emotionally abusive to him. And I stole all his money. I mismanaged the family money, and I hid assets.
There's more, but I forget.
So I'm just introducing myself again. I think I'm going to need to stay here a while and read everything I can.
and ps: yes, when I cleaned out the basement after he left, I found nearly a dozen tubes of caulk - and right before he left, he "fixed" the bathroom shower leak by covering huge random swaths of the green tile with caulk. I had to pay someone to get it all off - and the guy kept laughing and shaking his head the entire time.
We have always argued over the use of caulk. Too much caulk. He even caulked the front door closed in the winter.
In the basement alone there are 6 caulk guns and more in the garage.
We have a pellet stove. My son tried to clean it as he is good with this stuff and was concerned about the safety of it.
He tried to remove the trap door to clean the pipes and the whole pipe fell off! It was just two pieces of pipe with no fitting caulked together! He just kept shaking his head and saying "who does this???", "this is not safe", he kept looking at me for an answer. All I could do was shake my head and say, "this is just what he does".
The caulk just hit me this morning, I had read about it before but just never made the connection. Holy crap, I am part of the caulk club!
I also wondered if NPDs come up with "inventions" all the time? Mine was always trying to rig something up - like a "sleigh" for his aging father to use to pull firewood up the hill. It was ridiculous.
Or the constant Get Rich Quick schemes? Screenplays. Novels. Diamonds in Africa. Oil in Iraq. Some boatrace around the world.
Wow. Embarrassing to even type out this stuff. But I'm wondering if these are also NPD traits?
I suppose that's the narc's aversion to "ordinary ilfe" which, for most people, means you work hard, you support your family, you do all the mundane things that need to be done, and if you're lucky, your life is also heavily peppered with love, laughter, and some fun along the way. What normal people strive for apparently is like kryptonite to these self entitled assholes.
In the beginning, mine would talk about inventions or these home improvement projects that were totally outlandish. Then, he moved over to new career ideas even though he had all the opportunity in the world to greatly improve the one he already had. For a long time, he focused on poker. He bought all sorts of books about how to play, joined a league, watched the shit on t.v., and played online. After a while, unbeknownst to me at the time, he started really playing with family money ... and losing. It was this fix for instant gratification and something that most "ordinary" people don't have. When it got bad, he would bug me to let him play in these tournaments and would even have the balls to say, "It's only a $10,000 buy in." Huh???? We had a house, kids, cars, etc. I had a habit of consulting with him everytime I wanted to buy something that cost more than a couple hundred dollars even though half of that money came from my full-time career income. Yet, he used our money like it was from the Monopoly box.
That narc personality is just so far from normal and safe there are days that I can't even fathom how I married someone who turned out to be like that.
How common is it for NPD people to chameleon into different people, depending on where they are?
I think it's pretty common, as they don't really have a sense of self and they're always wearing a mask to try to fit in.
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/143770/narcissistic/ talks about it a little bit.
My exWH is a professional with a good career, yet he never seemed to want to focus on that.
....Grandiose schemes? Yep.
....Grandiose schemes? Yep.
Wow... My STBX had/has a very successful six figure career (and of course a loving, happy family, a home...)
She was never satisfied. Never content.
Among her dreams (one after the other, none pursued seriously, but which I always supported, though I thought to myself, "Is she crazy?" ;-):
Art studio director
Ph.D program in education
and the grand finale: MARRIAGE AND COUPLES COUNSELING
PS: She was just fired.
Interesting to see you here Compartmented!
I'm finding his abusive ways are a lot to shake off. I'm still reading a lot and going to therapy. And of course, he still tries to mess with me.
The behaviors might have a lot in common, but the motivation is very very different. IMO
BTW, Stretch called himself a SA at the front end of the finding out process. Even claimed to go to meetings. It didn't last or hold up. The focus shifted from him and treatment to me and destroying the person who no longer supported his fantasy.
Welcome, and I am sorry that anyone feels "at home" here, but so glad here is HERE!
PS. the diagnostic caulk gun!