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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Distraught and PIC! Around here we call ourselves the "Tribe". A picture of our newest latest and greatest sandbox is on the front of this thread. Pick your chair and pull it up to the fire. Or relax in one of the cabanas.

NPD is an odd disorder to (Unofficially) diagnose. It's a spectrum disorder characterized by a lack of empathy. On one side of the spectrum you have a selfish person who doesn't care if they hurt someone, can see how they hurt someone but blames their actions on the person being hurt. They go out and hurt them all over again. The other end of the spectrum are the psychopaths who kill people because killing someone gives them a rush! They think nothing of their victims other than how useful they can be to the narc. Oh and I forgot the sociopaths, they use people till the people are shadows of who they used to be-think con men stealing life savings- narcissists are emotional vampires sucking the life force out of people, depending where your narc is on the spectrum depends on how big their appetite is for life force (also called narc supply) sociopaths will deplete you, but will leave you alive to rebuild your life force and come at you again. They are the more severe form of narcdom they are a step away from crossing over to psychopath. Psychopaths will think nothing of turning off your life force because you pizzed them off!

A little selfishness is healthy, we do have to take care of ourselves first. But not caring if we hurt someone can push a NPD diagnosis. A lot of people having affairs are deep into the selfish mode not really caring about anyone else but themselves-how to figure out if NPD is involved? Look back to before DD- have they always been this way? Is this new behavior or just amped up behavior?

Sometimes you won't be able to see the NPD motivation, I know I didn't till I stopped projecting my feelings onto him.

It's very convoluted, stick around. Even if your WW is only acting NPD the advice here will still help.

The calling out of the blue -Hoovering she's trying to suck you back in. Once your back in she'll take your blood and discard you like Dracula.

Hugs and welcome

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Frustrated  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm checking in. Pitching my personal cabana and installing a margarita fountain. Thanks for the great questions for the kids, and the great answers.

I have requested WH move out, and he has put a deposit down but won't be able to move out until 1 Feb. In the meantime, he's busy acting like everything is normal. I was on a high when he agreed to move out so easily, but this waiting is really wearing me down. Plus, he's restarted with messaging me about how much he loves me, has been trying to build intimacy by reminding me of all the happy times we had together, which feels like knives as I feel reminded about just how duped I've been, and otherwise just smothering me.

To get away from him, I took the kids and visited my brother for the day on Saturday. I asked him Friday night what he would do while we were gone, and he had therapy homework and errands, a whole list of things. But then in the morning, when we were about to go, he was telling my 11-year-old, "I guess I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do today." Needless to say, that little one had a very hard day after that and requested to leave early due to feeling bad for dad.

While we were gone, he flooded FB (cause he's like 12) with messages and posts, the worst something like "That moment when you realize you may have destroyed everything that meant everything to you..." He texted me multiple times despite my nonresponse. And then had the nerve to tell me Sunday about how proud he was that instead of wasting the day in self-indulgent pity, he really made progress. Um... right. I'm afraid he's completely hosed everyone at the SA meetings.

And now he's added his mom to the mix. He actually told me that he emailed his mom about what is going on "between us". Then he said that he was afraid she would blame herself because of the way he started, with things that had happened to him when he was a child. I wanted to tell him that I know that her blaming herself was exactly what he wanted, and exactly why he would tell her that way. It is really incredible to watch this in action. She feels responsible, has acknowledged how she let him down, and has booked herself first-class tickets on his crazy train. And of course, he tells me all of the reassuring things she said to him, as if it will prove to me how wrong I am to believe otherwise.

My oldest is thoroughly disgusted, watching him use this nobility, appearing to be willing to take responsibility and manipulating people with it. WH avoids our oldest completely, and the only time he's made any comment about wishing to spend time with the kids was when he was angry about my taking them for the day to my brother's. Suddenly I was taking them away from him. He also refused to go to family counseling with the kids. He said he cannot do that.

I am getting better about not expecting him to react like I would want him to, but holy cheese I wish there were some forcefield or magic wand to wave for the kids' sake. (I'm trying to cut back down on my cursing, the last few months I think I might've made a sailor cry.) I also have to figure out what to do about spring break. He was looking at cottages for us all to stay in last night (?!). Right. Cause that's going to happen.

Any advice about that? Boundaries? I just feel so raw every time he sends me these hoover messages. I totally identify with Can when she said:

I am anxious for the day when he is irrelevant. I wish for the time when I don't feel the knot in my stomach, the heart palps, the nightmares.



"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still cringe when he contacts me, only because I expect it to be an emergency with my kids.

If he calls when I know the kids are safe, he gets crickets!

I think it's boundaries that need to be erected then reinforced with cement and steel rebar. It's very hard to go NC in he beginning especially when you have kids together. Give yourself the gift of time. It does get easier.

Only discuss kids and finances, everything else-walk away, be so busy you have to leave/hang up.

I contact my XH via email or text only, that way I have a printable record. I did not answer any sentence that was not a question. He would regularly go off on me in these emails. I had someone read them first and highlight what I needd to answer. I would answer his questions and that was it! There were days I sat on my hands/ chewed my fingernails to the quick all not to contact him and add fuel to his fire.

Hope this helps.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hoover messages, they are killer. Your head knows what they are, knows that the are lies. Damn that heart! It still wants to believe, it feels like a battle.

Saturday night I go a slew of hoover emails. I did not respond so on Sunday night, maybe for revenge he sent me his "confession". It was horrific, I am still reeling from it. It was like reading a scene from a porn movie, graphic and repulsive and horrific. Now every time I get that "missing" feeling I get this wonderful visual in my head. It keeps making me sick. I mean literally, I get ill.

It is crazy as it helps in some sort of twisted way to help me maintain contact but I wish I did not have to "see" it so graphically.

It is draining me but I hope as it sinks in, isn't so fresh, the horror of it will lessen. I have not replied to one single message. There is no need. I just hit delete. He cannot call or text because I blocked him on my phone.

I want to sit around that sandbox with friends, safe friends. Will you share some of those Margaritas please?

I am having a hard time today, lots of irritability. I couldn't even talk to my sister on the phone, I wanted to yell at her, for nothing, it was all from me. I don't like feeling like this, it is not me. I felt it with my son today also, just no patience. I felt like I could just not listen to anyone, couldn't hear them and it was making me so angry.

I was supposed to go for STD testing today. That was really disturbing me, making it real. They cancelled because of the snow, now I have to wait and feel this all over again or still.

Of course, up until Sunday night, the evil one was insisting that "I did not have sex with that woman". Well, he sure was lying about that. I guess maybe when he admitted to "kissing" he was just using a broader definition

I know this will get better, this will get easier. I believe it, just now it is so f***ing painful.

He said that his reason for doing this was his way of getting out of our relationship. WTF!!! All the times I said to him, "if this is too hard for you", "if you don't love me enough", please, please just be honest. No, he had to have his supply established first. He isn't very good at that either. Her boyfriend is watching very carefully. He has made it very clear that would be a dangerous move.

All this crap, none of it is mine, I am just left cleaning up the mess.

I had to laugh about your swearing Quakingaspen, I have acquired a taste for obscenities. I apparently am very creative, a talent I never knew I possessed before.

I am also trying to curb this, it makes my son cringe. I don't think he has ever heard me swear before.

Just venting. No one quite gets the enormity of this. No one in real life.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone once gave me some great advice when I kept failing at NC.

If he calls you 100 times and you answer on the 101fh call, you've just taught him that it takes at least 100 calls before you will answer. He'll be more prepared next time.

The same holds true for content. If his declarations of love don't get a response, change tactic and give a confession if that gets a response then you'll see more 'confessions'.

If he asked a question regarding kids or finances-those deserve answers-any thing else isn't worth your time.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God I need help tonight!

I am in so much pain and I am fighting to not respond to his emails.

I have not. I am trying so damn hard but I am sitting here alone and crying.

His emails. "are you okay with heat, I care"

"are you okay in this storm?"

No I am not okay! I have been conned raped abused and deceived, I am not okay!

I need to stay strong, Oh god please help me be strong.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he calls you 100 times and you answer on the 101fh call, you've just taught him that it takes at least 100 calls before you will answer. He'll be more prepared next time.

The same holds true for content. If his declarations of love don't get a response, change tactic and give a confession if that gets a response then you'll see more 'confessions'.

This also describes Genius' divorce tactics. If threats don't work, up the ante. Keep trying everything. Lob bombs wherever you can - if they don't work, move on to the next bunker. If your current lies don't work, make them bigger, more explosive until someone pays attention. Then keep the lies coming - they're working.

It seems to me that they simply do not give up like normal people.

He exhausts me, scares me, and creates so much chaos that I just want to give up. And as I look back at his history, so many people have walked away from him - nearly everyone. Or he walked away from them. People are disposable and replaceable to him. No shame, just move on.

Anyhow, (((((cantaccept))), stay strong. Do you have a friend that you can reach out to tonight? Can you do something for YOU tonight - take a bubble bath, have a glass of wine, take a long walk? Anything to get through this. I am no expert on NPD, but I do know that detaching gets easier and easier - you are new to this, and things WILL get better. Stay strong.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"are you okay with heat, I care"

DO NOT LISTEN TO ONE SINGLE THING THEY SAY.

This is a perfect example of what we read all over the place on here: ACTIONS, not words!
This one's wood-taking actions say it all.
He took the wood! Leaving you struggling to stay warm and dependent on assistance.
Yeah right he cares... FTN CAN!

(If you're headed toward D, don't delete those emails - if you don't have a friend to read them, ala Kajem's way - save them to a folder without reading them & show them to your L)

Narcissism exists on a complicated continuum, Kajem explained it well
in ascending - broken order - I find myself agreeing:
N's
Socios
Psychos

Our stories parallel in many ways PIC, love your nic btw - my pet never worked - I'm happy you're away from it. Really.
& Distraut,

Dealing with her as little as I have to is still very draining.

I'm sorry man.
It has to be the kids' involvement speaking. It has to. I found dealing with her as little as possible liberating.
I thank GOD I never had kids with her.
Praying for your freedom brothers
& sisters.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Can)))

He doesn't get to make you not okay and then inquire with such concern that you aren't okay!!

Block him, or set his messages up to go to a slush file you can check later... days later. He has too much access to your life. Shut the door, close the window!! NO CONTACT is for YOU.

I agree with K. What you respond to is what you train them to do again, and again in search of "supply." Basic behavior modification is at work here.

Hope, as his lies grow, as he lobs bigger and bigger lies and bombs, he looks crazier and crazier. You doubt this and don't see it because you are conditioned to accept him as normal, but to the outside world and to others, his escalation looks cuckoo!! Hang in there.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong!!!

I cleaned my house up and down twice over not answering STBX's crazy emails and texts.

Baked cookies. Lots of cookies.

Cooked freezer meals.

Shoveled snow. And my neighbor's snow. And my neighbor's neighbor's snow...

Re-arranged the whole house and put stuff where I wanted it.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 8:14 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Can)))

You are so strong, I know you can do this and maintain NC. I am so glad that you guys don't have any kids together, as once the D is final, you can go completely NC. You will never have to talk to this asshole again! You can even change e-mail addresses and phone numbers so he can't contact you!

Can you not even read his e-mails? I know NC is incredibly tough, but you've got this.

Is there something you can do -- away from the computer -- to take your mind off of things? Maybe read a book or watch a movie or go for a walk (not sure where you live; what the weather is like) or do anything where your mind can get some rest?

When I was fighting myself on this, I used to remind myself how he was getting off on my responses. Possibly literally, these gross little suckers. Don't give him that satisfaction. You can't "nice" him into being a normal human being. He won't make the divorce process worse if you ignore him.

Stay strong! Post here and let us celebrate your awesome NC!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey littlefoggy - can you come over to my place? lmao

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey littlefoggy - can you come over to my place? lmao

I'll bring cookies!


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey littlefoggy - can you come over to my place? lmao

I'm putting dibs in, too

Seriously, I so WISH that I took my frustration out in cleaning. Instead, I run or read -- two things I love doing but that do not get my house cleaned or cookies baked!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hanging, by a thread, I have not contacted.

Like an addiction, one moment at a time, I have been here all night posting my craziness here instead of looking for comfort from him.

I made it tonight.

the worst night so far.

It felt like the numbness wore off, like novacaine and it hit so hard.

I made it. I am going to bed. One horrific night survived. Thank you all.

FTN, what does that mean??? Don't know all the abbreviations.

Yes, he took the wood and left me cold, now wonders if I am okay?

I went through his bank statements today, never did before, just trusted. Over $100,000 in deposits. I have been buying my clothes from Goodwill and my couch is from the side of the road. Wow, this is enlightening. I never put much stock in material but just wow.

This is what he thought I deserved.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So proud of you, Can. Most people would have caved. You are so strong. You've got this. It is like an addiction -- same parts of your brain are impacted. Have a good night and tomorrow will be better.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did great!

Every day gets easier, too. Each one is a little victory for you.

So, tomorrow will definitely be better.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knucklebump Can! Stay strong. You are more than welcome to share margaritas with me anytime, all are welcome. It is so strange to feel so much better understood and even cared for by complete strangers than someone I've been married to forever.

Thanks K for suggesting time. Back to 180 and emotional distance until I can achieve some actual distance!


"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In sometime in the future, you will be a guide to someone in the future. A sailor'd tell you the meaning of FTN, something heartlessbych taught me, something about fuck that noise,
something about where we are
when the ears divide themselves from the heart.
I think we are all hard of hearing on here. I am. That's for sure.

Every song every poem ever written, none has ever described what being here means.
Therefore, we write it now. In real time.
My cheeks are wet just punching the keys

After all this time time you'd think....?
Me? I am happy my cheeks are wet. Because I hear things


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jj)))

Only you can put FTN and happy tears in one idea.

as for understanding what "being here means" -- the only way I come close to that is

((((tribe))))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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