Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sadtoo (((muah)))

CAN - go to the safety thread & read (post a bump while you're there to get it to the top of the IT forum too )

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474587&HL=17484

Protect yourself from Mr. AssHyde.
Lock gates, add/change locks to doors, lock windows, change garage door codes, that kind of stuff, it's there...


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this might be my second go round with an NPD. This is my second marriage, it took me 18 years to get out of the first.

The secrets, the drugs, it was crazy.

I discovered his infidelity when I was 8 months pregnant. I tested positive for an STD. They tested because of premature labor. He confessed and I was retested and it was negative. A false positive led to the truth. It took me 9 more years to get out.

I could not go on like that. I could not protect my sons from him. I could not watch his abuse of them. I felt like I was dead.

I did it, I got out. I had to go to court in my pajamas one morning to get a restraining order. I had a lawyer then, he treated me like I was crazy. I was so terrified.

1st xh came to me as the RO was about to expire, just before Christmas. Please, let me have Christmas at home, you are right, we can do this amicably, just give me time to find a place to live and this last Christmas.

I gave in. I had to. I had to give him the chance. How could I not and live with myself??? I paid dearly for 6 more months.

I had to sleep on the couch fully clothed and wrapped in blankets. I learned to do that, he raped me. How do you scream and fight when your sons are in the next room? and you are fighting their father.

I survived, one minute at a time. It is very familiar to me now. That feeling of terror, of not knowing what could really happen, what are they truly capable of.

The one thing I learned was if there are witnesses you are safe. Never be alone. My son, now 28 is here I feel safer, he is my witness.

This all came up in me today. As I was reading the emails, how similar.

Give in, back down, cringe, don't fight, then you are safe. NO. NOT TRUE!

Be smart. Protect yourself. Do not expose yourself.

How could this happen twice? How could I not have learned the first time???

I married the same man twice, they looked different but they were the same. I married my father twice.

Yes, my father was a monster too.

Just making the connections. My God, there are monsters.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why my computer will not let me go to the threads you suggest. My work computer does but not the home.

Even the older pages at the bottom of I Can Relate, it just says, "page cannot be found".

I know how to do this but it doesn't work???


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,
Do you live in a "fault" state? If so, get on the phone and make appointments with all the "shark" type divorce attorneys and take advantage of their free initial consultation. You may be able to get one to take your case and if you DO live in a fault state, your STBXNPDH may have to pay your attorney fees. The other good thing about seeing all the "shark" attorneys is just you talking to them about "your side" could be enough to create a conflict of interest for him (your STBXNPDH) so he can't hire them.

In any event, you need to get somebody hired and get your divorce filed. You don't want to be the "respondent" with him. The old saying "the first one to the courthouse wins" is sometimes true.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:05 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a house alarm, my sister put it in last year when I was here alone.

He does not have the code. It is only monitored until the end of January. I cannot afford to renew, but it is very loud.

He does not have keys to house. Garage is detached.

I now have 3 (small) dogs, they are loud when they bark.

My son is here most nights.

I sleep with my phone.

I called the police and told them about the physical violence and they told me to call and they would be here immediately.

I have a neighbor that will help me. Her husband is a big guy.

I lock my car doors immediately. I am aware of who is around when I am out, I was grabbed in a parking lot last year, holy crap, this is too much. The details of that are sad, scary and funny all at the same time.

I think I could write a book. This just has to be fiction.

Am I missing anything?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fault state.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need $400 to file, I now have $300, sort of.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is terrifying. One thing goes wrong and I am on the street.

My car breaks down, furnace, anything and I am without the means to deal with it.

I was so damn stupid! So trusting, I don't know how I could have exposed myself like this.

I feel like I am just waking up and seeing the truth, seeing reality.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're NOT stupid. You did what one is SUPPOSE to do when one is in love and married. You are suppose to trust. You are suppose to believe in your spouse.

Give yourself a break.

Make the divorce filing a priority. Deal with the rest as it comes.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday, I will file. I know I can file with infidelity as the cause as opposed to irreconcilable differences. Supposedly it makes a difference if you go to trial.

I will just do it.

I have to get past the fear of the unknown. The fear does not prevent it. Things, just things, they don't matter.

I feel responsible for my son somewhat, he has had such a hard year. He has experienced infidelity also this year. Heartbreaking deception. He needs a safe place and I feel like I am failing him. I wanted to be his rock.

This is the first step though.

Monday.

Just go and file, damn the money.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo, you went through so much and you survived, you are happy. That gives hope. I can do this too. I don't have to end up here ever again.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. And you will be happy again too.

I HATED spending the money divorcing that jackass I was married too also. But I will tell you it was the best money I ever spent.

NPD's are all about control. And they will control you through any means possible. Fear, threats, crying, etc. Through NC, you can break that control and move forward with becoming free.

I remember my fear being so paralyzing. I couldn't do anything. I didn't necessarily believe the BS he told me, but all of his blather left me so confused,I didn't know what to think. So until I went NC, I remained paralyzed in fear. Right where he wanted me.

You are stronger than you know. You can do this. Remember, when going through hell, just keep going!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

Can you call your local domestic violence shelter? They may be able to give you advice on filing. They have lots of women in your shoes, barely hanging on financially and emotionally. They should be able to guide you thru the legal system as inexpensively as possible. I know they helped me with lots of information. Inexpensive group therapy, list do therapist for my kids who dealt with emotional abuse. They may even be able to help with RO and suggestions for staying safe.

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo,

I don't think I believe all his BS either. It just seems to strike at the emotional fear, the confusion that still exists. It is still a bit fresh for me, the realizations of beliefs vs. reality. His "confession" made it very real though. As horrific as that was to read, certain lines from it keep playing in my head and reinforce that this is the truth, this is very real. He is actually worse than what I imagined.

Kajem,

I have been going to the domestic violence center for help. They put me in touch with the fuel assistance program, free STD testing, legal aid (but I am above income guidelines).

I will ask about groups, that might be helpful. To talk with others in real life might help to not feel so alone.

I figured my income taxes last night. I cannot file yet, still waiting for documents but I know the figures. I am getting a refund! Not a lot but enough to file and make up the shortfall that will cause. It is doable, Monday morning 9am I will be there with the papers filled out, I already have them.

This is a point that is going to really anger wh. He is self employed and never pays his quarterlies. He is either going to have to pay or to lie. After going through his bank records the other day, he has always lied on our taxes.

If I file jointly with him I will be party to lying also, again, now I know so I will not. He is going to be so angry!

It scares me a bit but he created this not me. There is really nothing I can do to avoid this. The timing is pretty crappy though. He probably won't start thinking about it until April, so I have a couple of months, I hope.

Thank you all so much for understanding. I don't know how I would have gotten through this week without this refuge. This week has really been the hardest so far. That "confession" just ripped my heart. At the same time I keep telling myself the truth of it will help me stay strong. It proves in black and white the he is everything and worse than I feared.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning,

I just spent the last 2 hours reading on a website called "esteemology".

It helps. To have it all out there in black and white. It reinforces what I perceive. It is real.

I think I am still struggling with the belief that this is reality. It is really hard to wrap your head around the idea, the fact that they just do not have the same ways of thinking and feeling.

I think that on some level I have always known this. I remember, before I knew of the infidelity, thinking, "I could be a washing machine, a hole in the wall, I am just a thing". Boy did I push that thought away quickly. Never even thought about what it meant, just discarded it.

Doing well with no contact. My friend is filtering emails. There were 2 last night and I have not gotten a text to read them so it must be okay. Just garbage.

It feels a little scary to not read them. As if reading them would help me gage his mood, intent. I think that is misleading, they are all lies anyway so they offer no insight, no protection. They will only prolong my pain.

Tomorrow 9am, I am filing. I am also going to try to find a way to seek legal assistance. There might be a way.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and calm day.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

Sending peace and calm your way.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,
That is AWESOME news. I am so happy to hear you have "installed" a filter for your messages.

NC = No new hurts.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been feeling a a lot of feeling about the girl that STBX has been messing around with and her family.

He brought her when he dropped off DD to me this evening.

And because nothing he does isn't calculated. It was to hurt me.

This girl is 17 or maybe 18 now. She is staring at me from his car. I am sure he told her how crazy I am. No telling what I am going to do. She is just there to bear witness to all of my unstable antics.

And all I can think is she has no clue what is really happening. Her whole family which is supporting this abusive asshole has no flipping clue who they have invited into their house.

He is off playing the part. The victim of the crazy wife. He has embraced God for their churchy family (never caught him near a church before). And it is all an act put on for them.

Meanwhile, they are enabling an abusive husband. They are helping him create hardship for a struggling single working mom.

It is absolutely astounding to me. I just keep telling myself that STBX's true colors will show to them too and he will do the same thing to them. Maybe not actively try to destroy their lives, but they will at least see him for the scumbag he is.

As soon as their usefulness is gone, he will turn on them, too. Just like the rest of us.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, their calculations are predictable (((littlefoggy)))
When you crack the code, it's laughable.
They're not that smart. Evil never is, despite the number of people they deceive. Because by its very nature, evil has selfish blinders on, and cannot see the bigger picture (what they're really doing).
Form follows function, function sculpts form.

Your form is beautiful. How is this known to one and all? (How is this a fact, rather than mere blandishment?)
This simple quote

all I can think

denotes your care is other-directed, despite her being the OW,
and the prophesied predictable denouement,
still,
rests on future pain for *other*.

You are beautiful.
That's a fact.
Rest in it.
Your now holds far more vibrating wonderfulness than their future.
It is to be treasured.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little foggy,
And all I can think is she has no clue what is really happening. Her whole family which is supporting this abusive asshole has no flipping clue who they have invited into their house.

I don't get this either. My XNPDH was engaged to his OW before I even knew we were getting a divorce. She was at every single one of our divorce hearings too. Talk about the twilight zone. She and her family welcomed him right into their lives and their house too. And I was the drug crazed, abusive wife, who wouldn't agree to a divorce because I couldn't live without him.

People can't really be that stupid, can they?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.