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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She got the orgasms, and I got the pain. Sounds like a bad country song.

Love it!!! (Well you know what I mean.)

I feel your pain.

There are so many images, texts and e-mails seared into my memory but one of them that has stung often was a text from my WW to POSER about 1 week before I caught them:

WW: I'd like to cum for you and turn around and cum again!! You thinking about the memories we made on the couch today?

I think your song title is more catchy.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, imagine what Weird Al could do with that.

Yeah SG, the video would show some clueless doofus in a suit and tie working diligently at his desk in one scene, and a housewife getting banged six ways to Sunday in a seedy duplex by a biker-looking dude in the next scene. That would accurately describe dozens of episodes in my real life from April 2012 to February 2013. Good times.

WW: I'd like to cum for you and turn around and cum again!! You thinking about the memories we made on the couch today?

Ouch brother. That hurts. I'm sure my wife and her AP wrote things to each other that would rob me of my appetite for a few days. I feel your pain as well, TC.

I think your song title is more catchy.

They can take a lot from us, but they don't get our sense of humor. This thread is proof of that!


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading TC's text, I've decided that some day I'm going to dedicate serious intellectual effort to finally figuring out if it's affairs or just genital-stroking romance that turns the participants into such adolescent, crotch-grabbing idiots when they try to express themselves in writing.

I'm convinced that for every sonnet we've got from Shakespeare, he left behind ten unpublished "you make me wanna cum sooooo hard" mongrels.

Of course, he was cheating on his wife for most of his adult life, but I'm not sure where to slot Elizabethan marriage exigencies in the definition of marital norms.

Thus, research.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC:

Son of a bitch man!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm convinced that for every sonnet we've got from Shakespeare, he left behind ten unpublished "you make me wanna cum sooooo hard" mongrels.

And if he did, you can bet that the original manuscripts would fetch huge bucks at an auction.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of a couple thousand gems. I have enough 'creative content' to keep Weird Al busy for a long time.

She wonders why I have some issues to work through.

She has never texted me like that and I don't really want her to. The view of 'that person' has been hard for me to fully grasp.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shakespeare?
Crap.
That sound you just heard was a chordae tendineae or two snapping. I looked (a couple little wikis, don't wanna see!), and they mention it's anecdotal, so I'll stich the chords back together, but I'm afraid they'll never strum the same. Crap.

tc, you asked when do you start healing - I think it's right away, we're just not consciously aware of it. Maybe you can think of it as an emotional 'clotting cascade'...one thing leads to another (and another, and...)

I just wanted to give you hope and assurance that you are healing, even though it doesn't feel like it by a long shot at times.

What does every coach do when their team is on a losing streak? He has the team "go back to basics", right?

So for the NOMAMMERS, one thing that is unique to the team's pre-A narrative is the amount of identity we invested in our M's.
I believe it's because we're actually pretty simple. Home is where the beer, the sex, the sammich, and the fun are.
We want that place settled, at peace.
Work is where we slay dragons, deal with drama, get messy.

Check the 9th post on this thread:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=503464

To get where we're going, it's often helpful to know where we came from...so we can begin to alter that old narrative as needed.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing some healing right now. Going to see two of the top soccer teams in the world with a couple of my sons. It's a beautiful night.

Weird Al can have the night off.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m not around much these days. I’m still trying to find my way and work through the layers of the shit. I am becoming at least comfortable with it all. Thank you to all the Menz who work it out here on these pages and also to the Menz who acknowledge, support, 2x4 and poke fun. This place is a godsend.

WAL – it’s a great thing that you and Wincing will do for those little ones. I hope you two enjoy the ride. Looking forward to you musing about the adventure.

Wonderboy – hope the road trip goes well – good luck.

jjct - when I'm gone so long I truly miss your poetry and ramblings – seems like you really put yourself out here - thanks


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh man thanks.
You're gonna get me up in wonderboy territory...
he's amazing, did you know?

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes you can't step away from this thread for a couple of hours...great stuff.
The TT into May was hard, but I wouldn't want to have to admit that shit to my spouse, either, so she gets a partial pass on that. I'll give her credit, when she came clean she really came clean.

That's the moment I haven't had I guess...when she came clean she really came clean. Too many doubts still.

Other than that, WWS.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTS (what Tred Said)

specially

Sometimes you can't step away from this thread for a couple of hours...great stuff.

WOAH!!!! you guys know how to move a thread really fast... catching up on the last 2 pages....

FP, i'm in general agreement with you. a few BM threads back was where WAL and some of you guys opened my eyes on the narrative "being never entirely 100% accurate" and eventually "what you know of your W and what you settle within yourself for it to be" (hope that makes sense). I guess i'm also where TC is with:

I want a completely remorseful WW; I want full disclosure; I want empathy; I want her to face my pain and not flinch; I want her to feel she is privileged to a degree to be given a second chance; I want her to work on changing her habits that have led us here; I want her to learn how to be a more mature partner; I want her to work her ass off to prove herself to me; I want a heck of lot a slack as I work through all of the crappy emotions that I never asked for to begin with.

amen to that ^^^^ its a good wish list. most, if not all of us, will probably never see that. sorta makes a good case for jj's overarching advise :) OTOH, we all grow and change with this and you know what? this probably is falling off the priority list - MY life is far too important to be bogged down by someone else's crappy life skills... heck, I'd find a lot of those things hard to do, but it wont stop me from trying; at least for ME and for a better future with me (am I displaying signs of narcissism?).

tc}}}} "overwhelmed & hopeless"???, yeesh, what about YOU?....

dude, i'll never have any peace with the narrative, no matter how many times it changes or is minimised or even if the full truth is out. closure is overrated. yes, truth is critical for survival and i hold on to that maxim. i guess i just need to know there is "some threat" the rest is then how i choose to react/prepare and to live my life. you learn, you adapt. mayhaps I am being too brave for something i am a whimpering mess about... or had been at least.

Do you guys think that getting past the 1 year Antiversary will seriously reduce the angst and sadness that I am experiencing? Not that I expect on August 7th to wake up and it all be over, but is there any magic to getting past year 1?

keep reading here bro, i think more than just time, its important what you DO with that time. i had major nose dives at 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and 3 years out. its the shit sammich which keeps giving. just thinking different can have immense impact on the quality of your life. the vets here help a lot...

I refused to live with continued lies and deceit.

FP ^^^^ THAT was my point all along, earlier. Poly or not, is that something most, if any, could keep living with? i'm sure as a group, we're all over that spectrum.

CC

she involved our young children with the OM and pretended to be a family while I was busting my ass at work during the day so she could be a SAHM.

i hear ya bro... right there with you.

TC... about your other post. her expectation is for you to be vulnerable (attempting R with her), yet she feels exhausted at being vulnerable TO YOU through her efforts to R? AYFKM....??? identify the double standard and nail it down. no need for an act to build her up, she better put on her big girl panties and behave like an adult; which is what she has always expected you to be.

Can anyone else relate to this? Someone tell me that this is just a phase.

Sal, i can relate. i dont know if its a phase. i have flashes/mind movies... whatevers.... less so now. doesnt mean the intensity is any less or a mind worm once implanted wont get cozy for weeks, sometimes months. and thats 3 years out...

this is really the million dollar question:

but can I stomach being being married to someone that used to be 'that person'?

with the emphasis on used to be (we're a forgiving bunch, aren't we?). i see few examples of where you see real change in a WW, you see far more examples of broken people who CHOOSE to remain broken no matter what stares them in the face.

She got the orgasms, and I got the pain. Sounds like a bad country song.

LOL, sorry bro if its insensitive, but that's just funny. you're right about that tho;

jj, thanks for breaking it down to the basics and the link was helpful.

i await WALs exposition on the literary exploits of... errr... whatever.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She got the orgasms, and I got the pain. Sounds like a bad country song.

LOL, sorry bro if its insensitive, but that's just funny. you're right about that tho;

Not at all bro, thanks. I actually made myself laugh a little at that one. I might make it my tag line.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You now what I find interesting nowadays? I am pretty sure I could have a ONS or a full blown affair and my FWW would still stay with me. I actually told her that and she didn't deny it. Lucky for her I have no desire to do anything like that. I go every year to Vegas with the guys and she knows everything I do there.

The reasons are that I'd never want to hurt anyone like that. And I don't want anyone but her. We are a team. If you are on my side I will always have your back.

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish she had felt the same thing about me during that time. But that ship has sailed.

Anyway, not sad or anything. Just a realization.

Carry on.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing
The thing that troubles me in terms of *healing* isn't an issue with me personally. I've grown tremendously in the last couple of years. I'm more alert at work. I notice the *crap* behavior of others and I have no trouble defining my *borders* with others. I know what my life is about and what I bring to the party. It isn't an arrogance, but just a subtly confidence. Maybe a little wisdom (makes me sound old, but I think you get the point). I cherish every moment with my boys. I meet for coffee, beers or golf with friends. I work out, eat right and take care of myself. I'm ok.

Now, I do get discouraged, pissed, angry, frustrated and struggle to find a peaceful and meaningful relationship with WW frequently. The healing that eludes me is the healing of our M. It would be easier if my expectations weren't so high. I ignored all of the *issues* my WW brought to the M in the past. Now, I don't. Almost none of my wish list points are being met with any frequency to effect positive change. She isn't healing. She doesn't see that she needs healed. She makes surface changes because she knows I won't just let her rug-sweep any longer. She's doing it to try to save her M, not to for her own good. She's ok with who she is: a pretty darn good person that just made a **mistake** who has a husband that isn't as forgiving as he should be.

I think for me there are two issues at play.

#1 - The degree, length and intensity of her A have likely always been a deal breaker for me, but I've done everything possible internally to *re-wire* that feeling.
#2 - My wife isn't capable or willing to meet me close enough to the middle to make a go of this and I've done everything possible internally to *re-wire* that feeling.

Go to #1 - Endless loop

Summary - my healing is going pretty well but healing of my WW and M not so much. How long is enough?

ETA - Removed the Terry Pratchett quote system (the single apostrophe things non-american speakers use)

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:27 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#2 - My wife isn't capable or willing to meet me close enough to the middle to make a go of this and I've done everything possible internally to 're-wire' that feeling.

Forget healing, that isn't even a healthy relationship when there wasn't anything busted to start with. Hell, that *is* a fault line. The kind that Lex Luthor would exploit with nuclear weapons.

You decide how long 'long enough' takes before you let her go and leave her in Otisville.

eta:

I used the Terry Pratchett quote system (the single apostrophe things non-american speakers use) because it looked a lot better than long long, which was the name I gave to a goblin yesterday because I thought it would be awesome as puns go, since a long pass + troll throwing the goblin = twice as long. Only the first time I tried to have Bigfarts the Troll launch Long Long, Bigfarts failed his always hungry check and ate Long Long. So it was just to make things clear, not some kind of snarcastic emphasis or anything.

eta again:

Longlong was replaced with a name more appropriate to the teams naming schema, "popcorn" which also works as a means of snacking, that I didn't even realize until now.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:04 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time for a new acronym - WDSGS?

(What did Still Going say?)


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Superman, Blood Bowl, got it tangled up.

eta:

Also, FUCK Superman.

Here is a guy who is practically immortal, had wonderful and loving parents, can FLY, shoot lasers from his eyes - FUCKING LASERS FROM HIS EYES - looks like the perfect physical rep for all human males everywhere and isn't even from the planet, and I'm supposed to believe he has issues? Internal conflicts? Batman, okay, he was fucked up. Sure. But Superman, when you are the physical manifestation of Assault Rifle Jesus that doesn't have to give up anything - sorry, home planet doesn't count, you had a better childhood than 99% of humans on this planet through history - man, who DOESN'T fucking root for Lex Luthor?

If Superman were not around, Lex Luthor would probably save earth. He spends all this time trying to enslave it but the second he gets power he does shit like rebuild a planetary economy, cure terminal diseases and save alien planets from self inflicted destructive tendencies. Then he rubs his hands and laughs about how evil he is, and Superman swoops in to kick his ass without looking at things and thinking: well, maybe a better solution to beating his ass and preventing him from stealing Earth's water to rehydrate a planet he named after himself would be, I dunno, throw a comet his way.

No, actually THINKING about this shit is for bad guys, the iconic hero just goes in cape flapping away and then has a tantrum because the man who can push planets out of orbit wants a day off.

Dude fucking take a day, just do it. Who is going to stop you? Obviously not Lex Luthor.

Honestly that had nothing to do with anything. Sorry.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:31 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off:
I used the Terry Pratchett quote system (the single apostrophe things non-american speakers use) because it looked a lot better than long long, which was the name I gave to a goblin yesterday because I thought it would be awesome as puns go, since a long pass + troll throwing the goblin = twice as long. Only the first time I tried to have Bigfarts the Troll launch Long Long, Bigfarts failed his always hungry check and ate Long Long. So it was just to make things clear, not some kind of snarcastic emphasis or anything.

eta again:

Longlong was replaced with a name more appropriate to the teams naming schema, "popcorn" which also works as a means of snacking, that I didn't even realize until now.

Dude....get OUT of my head.

On the Superman stuff: agreed. Ever read "Superman: Red Son"? Pretty much that happens...once Superman is out of the way (spoiler alert), Lex Luthor pretty much fixes everything about humanity. The only caveat I'll add to agreeing with you is that Superman stops Lex much of the time because Lex's endgame is to kill Superman at some point, and much of the other shenanigans is the shit that happens en route to that plan....Lex knows that if Superman didn't exist he'd be kingshit, but as it stands he can't stomach being a close second, and so his massive ego drives him to try to be rid of his rival instead of just, you know, doing good shit.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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