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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...she will not pay any price greater than what is absolutely demanded.

I feel your pain brother. That was one of the dealbreakers for me. WW always expected a lot more of me, and others, than she expected from herself.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later

I agree it is tough to deal with the level of commitment your wife is offering you right now. BUT it is a step in the right direction.

It took my wife about 16 months AFTER D-day to finally take responsibility for her actions. She reluctantly agreed to MC. It has a been a slow and very painful process, but things are changing. I would suggest giving MC a try for a couple months before you decide much of anything.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'm trying to catch up on 'Breaking Bad'.

Walter White's wife had sex with a co-worker and then told her husband about it just to get even with him. This is the same basic story I got from WW while she was confessing A #1. "You pissed me off once too often."

During the A, which I was clueless about at the time, she threatened to D me unless I went to counseling she felt was needed due to work/school stress. Our son was 2 at the time and she had me convinced that my "bad attitude" was the problem.

Went to counseling, got on meds, and did what I was told to in order to keep the family together. All during this time she's banging another guy, and then coming home to play wife and mother to her husband and baby. WTH?

A vengeful, deceitful, manipulative individual who has shown little to no remorse over the years. And yet she wonders why I have a difficult time leaving the past behind and being the supportive husband I used to be, and seeing her as this contrite, redeemed woman who "made some mistakes in the past."

None of us is perfect, certainly not me. But I can't conceive of doing anything like that. It is a descent into darkness that I still can't wrap my mind around.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 1:20 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it comes back to trust. Our Ws have shown that they can't be trusted. This also means that saying what they will do is an exercise in futility.

Remember these odd " I will go to counseling if . . ." stem from their deep fear that they messed up their own lives and worry it will never be the same. The hard truth is that the future is unknown and the M can't look like the old one.

They have to be willing to take at least as big of a risk as we did by staying. Immediately not divorcing in and of itself was the first " risk," we took. Now it is there turn to take one.

FWIW the few MC sessions we had the DR. Harley stuff came up. He seems real big on blaming the BS. I hadn't seen entitlement from my W like that for quite awhile. The MC couldn't believe the lengths I had gone to make my W happy. I told her she could go back to the MC alone and if this is what my life is going to become, she could have it. I was done.

We dropped that MC and I am VERY wary about MC again.

My IC convinced me I had to take some risks again. I did and it has helped me be more comfortable in my own skin and my M. My W still gets "triggers" remorseful fits of crying, etc. It is up to her to heal herself. Until she wanted to do it for herself we were in limbo.

I know I say this a lot. She messed her own life up. I refuse to own a mess she made. My happiness is no longer tied to hers, while that saddens her she logically understands it. Sometimes that is the best we can hope for.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We dropped that MC and I am VERY wary about MC again.

numb, I'd encourage you to give it another shot. After three sessions with our first MC, I wondered if he even thought my wife had done anything wrong. In fact, I think he might have had the hots for her. You could tell he thought I was an imbecile for letting her go to dance clubs by herself. He might have a point, but what can I say - after 16 years and 4 children, I thought I could trust my wife. Silly me.

MC #2, a 65-year old grandmother, told my wife within 5 minutes of our first session that not only did she betray me, she betrayed our children as well. Talk about a 2x4. But she had my wife nodding in agreement. There are some good ones out there. If you find the right one, you'll be sold on MC. This still isn't easy but I think we're a lot further along at 6 months than we'd otherwise be.

None of us is perfect, certainly not me. But I can't conceive of doing anything like that. It is a descent into darkness that I still can't wrap my mind around.

Kite, I relate. That's where the compartmentalization comes in I think. Something inside of them allows them to separate the good wife/mother from the bad girl. Somehow, the latter's activities don't intrude on the former's perception of herself. At least not until D Day and the two worlds collide and the good wife/mother has to face the destruction and pain caused by her escapist self.

It's messed-up FOO coping skills, I think. But your wife might be more remorseful than you think. I had a long talk with mine this weekend. She told me that she feels more guilt as time goes on, and its gotten to the point where she has to fight it daily. It's caught up to her and she can't seem to push it aside for a day or two like she did in the first few months. She described her physical sensations, and it sounds very familiar - tight chest and a sinking feeling in the gut. She even described what sounds like a wayward version of mind movies (relieving D Day, picturing OM's face with horror). What she described rang true to me. But she is much better than me at putting on a happy face. She does it for the kids, but I think also because that's a coping skill she learned growing up in a highly dysfunctional, rugsweeping family.

I don't know your situation, but it's possible that there's more remorse than what she's shown.

I would suggest giving MC a try for a couple months before you decide much of anything.

Agree 100% with this TC.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1032 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a great resource! My Dday was early June, and continued via TT through the next week as more details emerged. My wife cheated on me with her trainer having sex with him multiple times over the past three months until I found sexting messages on our computer. We have been married about seven years and have three kids.

The initial shock is beginning to wear off. I always thought it was the guy who cheated, it never occurred to me to pursue a married woman, although after reading some of these messages I might have missed the boat based upon how easy it appears. It blows me away that when you go to a bookstore or online to find resources, it is typically from the betrayed woman perspective. I would wish a betrayal on anyone, but it just seems really hard to be a guy and have this happen. I am trying to adjust, if for the kids if anything. However, our marriage was very tough before this, so I am thinking that rebuilding something that was already damaged (lots of arguments, lack of closeness, etc..) is too tough. I think marriage is extremely important, and getting a divorce is pretty much against everything I believe in, but wonder what i will be in store for if I try to reconcile. The wife is remorseful, but we still argue on a daily basis about relatively arcane issues, I thought that would stop as she tried to make up, but sadly it hasn't. Reading this message thread has been great therapy for me, thanks!!


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Joe

As the saying goes, welcome the best club you never wanted to join.

I remember reading some of your posts in JFO back in June. At the time your WW wasn't remorseful if I remember correctly, so it seems that at least has changed for the better.

You are fortunate that you found these guys as they are a great resource. Betrayal sucks but it is immensely helpful to get the thoughts of fellow brethren. Keep reading and learning. The choice to R or D can be difficult, especially with children involved. It sounds as if you know what your priorities are and are willing to work for them.

One month is really early in this process. Your thoughts and feelings are going to continue to evolve. I'd suggest not making any major decisions right now. Time is on your side. If your wife is remorseful and the A has ended then take your time. Focus on healing yourself. Just choosing not to D is good enough for now IMO.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 4:45 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, I don't have anything to add to what TC posted, just wanted to welcome you. Given the circumstances I'm glad you found us, this is a great group of guys.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1032 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! Yes, she has realized that her AP was just using her has not reached out to her since I found out. She has admitted that this hurt her (hard to feel sympathy for that) and over the past few weeks has slowly begun to resemble the person I knew before a crazy alien invaded her body (and then allowed a loser trainer to enter her multiple times.). I will keep on keeping on until the smoke clears.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the club, joe.
If you read back on some of the earlier "Parts" of the menz, this has been addressed

it just seems really hard to be a guy and have this happen.

very well by wal (Lao Tsu).
He made a comment early on that stuck with me - about how consistently it is a feature of new menz posts - to take blame for the state of the M. Just about always, there's a nod in the direction of taking responsibility.

Why? Turns out, (the way I worked it out - he'll show up to unpack this more thoroughly if the spirit moves...) it is because we invest a large amount of our identities in the M.
Might be the waffle/spaghetti analogy a bit, but we are basically very simple.
The sammich goes here, the beer's there, and "we're good."
We slay dragons out in the world, we want peace when we get back to the castle.
Kids happy. Wife happy.

I'm happy. Done.

So I think there is a difference, & why it's so hard, or seems harder. We naturally want to simplify things to make it easier, and the M is in one big box - there.

Going forward, there's a lesson for me - don't invest so much of my identity in one big box. M or not.
I think of it as diversifying my interests.

Then this:

our marriage was very tough before this, so I am thinking that rebuilding something that was already damaged (lots of arguments, lack of closeness, etc..) is too tough.

This is the reason I buy into the old M is dead - she killed it analogy.

The gift of R the BS is offering includes building a new M.
It's just easier for me to think of it that way.
Simplifying. Hope that helps a bit.

Last thing.
New guy buys the beer.
I'll have a Big Bark.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New guy buys the beer.

See? You guys thought I was shitting the newbie a thread or two ago? Can't remember which one - they've been flying. We are halfway through this thread already...

Welcome Joe. Bud Light. Gotta watch my boyish figure

ETA: And speaking of old threads, let's make sure we end this one epically. Somebody apparently screwed up the last one . So when the post count gets to 999, make sure you post something epic in response. Either JJCT with a bunch of ladies or something by Wonderboy. And let's not start the next thread with "first"...that is so pre-pubescent.

[This message edited by Tred at 6:32 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And let's not start the next thread with "first"...that is so pre-pubescent
Error...ummmm....sorry?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1606 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe

Welcome to the clubhouse. I am the resident preacher of the "get a lawyer and protect yourself" denomination. Even if you decide you are going to R or want to keep that as an option, the bottom line from now on out is that you come first, your kids second, and then see what happens.

The argumentative nature of your wife and her easy dismissal of your marriage with children should, at least until you get further along, drive you do what is needed to protect yourself and do what you need to heal.

That is the other sermon I like to deliver - your healing now is your number one concern. Your kids need a healthy parent and apparently your wife doesn't entirely fit the bill. So, it falls to you. And so close to Dday = you are not healthy.

So, IC if you can. Post here. But in all things - be selfish and work on you. As you heal and (re)build your confidence, knowledge, and strength, you will be able to make more rational decisions regarding divorce or reconciliation.

Until then, protect (yourself and your kids) and defend (your healing).

Strength to you brother and pull up a chair. Lots of interesting shit in this part of SI.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if I knew at the time the picture that was being painted behind my back, I would've blown the whole situation up. Fuck that noise. I would've taken no guff. None.

Welcome Joe wish you didn't have to be here.
Yep. WW's like to paint a picture of the big bad husband behind their back this tactic provides them with Allies in the future when their misdeeds come to light. Fortunately my WW's friends saw right through that and rallied to my side. Now WW doesn't really have any friends.
I read this article on narcissistic wives and it was very good. Perhaps someone else can benefit from it.

http://www.salon.com/2012/01/26/my_narcissistic_wife_is_ruining_my_life/

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:18 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,

It's all good . I'd just rather open the thread with a really cool picture as the first post than the words "First".


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like this Tred?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, needs a little color...but that'll do


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the menz clubhouse Joe. Wouldn't happen to have a Budweiser clock would you?

Forget the rebuilding brother. A wayward named UncertainOne probably put it best when she said that "an affair is designed to end a marriage". Build something new. That is if she becomes(through her actions) someone you want to spend your life with.

As for the kids? Well, I'm pretty sure the consensus here is that it is better for children to be from a broken home with at least one stable parent than living in one with two dysfunctional parents.

I reiterate your welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. Sorry you had the need to find us, but sure are glad you're here.

I'll take a Jack and coke.

Gold Aesir!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe,

what a name, huh.
"hey, Joe"...that song hit me hard the first 20 or so times I heard it after Dday.

so Many new Menz here lately, I'm sorry you happen to be one of them.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome Joe! there's a bunch of good guys here.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


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