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User Topic: Confused: Moving on or not thinking straight?
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Shutup  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should heal, win back my wife to create security and when all is well, drop her like a fly and walk out of my marriage. I can't help these thoughts. Sometimes I think it's survival, other times I think it's revenge? Other times I delete the thought from my head.

What could it be? Should I follow my heart that says win back your wife or my head that says walk the F' out. Or is it the other way around? Confused. :(


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married2quit...

I know in the early days, MH shared a lot of those types of thoughts with me. I think it helps voicing them out because it helps solidify how dedicated your W is to helping rebuild trust.

It gives her an opportunity to fight for you and show you that she's truly devoted to you and your healing.

Try talking to her...you maybe pleasantly surprised


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197380 | Registered: May 2002
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeply Scared - I'm scared of her pulling back. She already feels worthless. It's a bad thought, I can't express it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling worthless goes hand in hand of being a WS, trust me on that one.

I really encourage you both to start talking honestly about your feelings. Turn to eachother...not away. It's all so very hard and emotional in the beginning, but working through it together is what will help to start and strengthen your bond.

I'm really sorry this is happening right now...take things one day at a time.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197380 | Registered: May 2002
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot and should not protect her from the reality of her actions. She must face them.

And you know that a healthy recovery includes the wayward winning back the betrayed. Not the other way around.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She already feels worthless. It's a bad thought, I can't express it.

I understand how you feel. I have a lot of thoughts that I don't share, because I know he feels worthless. It's hard, because I want to comfort him. But then I'm also angry. I would love to hear how other BS's deal with this.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Jul 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should tell her but this will turn her away from me :(


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, think feeling worthless is part of being a remorseful WS and probably part of being an unremorseful WS, too.

BUT - BUT - BUT - it's a problem only your W can fix for herself. You can't fix it for her.
**************************

Let me see if I understand - you want to 'win' her back, let her feel secure, and then drop her, perhaps so she feels the pain you did/do? That sounds like a desire for revenge, which seems normal for a BS. (Remember, thinking and wishing are a lot different than doing.)

R is a process in which you each heal yourselves, and together you heal your M by creating the M you both want. It's not one winning the other; it's both coming together.

Note: It's possible you're hearing your inner voice telling you to split, but I don't think that's what's going on. If it were, I believe your thoughts would focus on you leaving, not on hurting your W.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not about revenge. Remember I said "when I feel secure" not her. Perhaps in the depth of my unconsciousness it is revenge? I wouldn't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to hurt more or ever again.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I have fantasized often about serving my WH with D papers on DDay, but I know that is not what I want. For a while after DDay my anger was to keep punishing him for what he did to me. I stopped letting my anger control me when it was becoming unhealthy for me.

I think it is normal to have these thoughts, while it may be unpleasant for the WS to hear, wasn't it unpleasant for us to hear that our WS had an A?

When my WH knew I had exit plans after his A he was shocked. My WH said that he had not even imagined his life without me, yet that is all I could think of after DDay was how to protect myself and the kids.

When I have days like these I tend to seclude myself and really try to just feel everything and then try to let it go. Sometimes the pain comes so intensely it is unbearable, I believe it is at these times that we just want to end the misery. Then as days pass the happiness returns and I am content again with R and with my WH. I just think it is all part of the process. R is not easy, it's the one thing that has remained true.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you know that a healthy recovery includes the wayward winning back the betrayed. Not the other way around.

I am having so much trouble with this. WS is so angry still from the years of shit I poured on her, the controlling and domineering. Her remorse seems heavily muted, It hasn't even been a full month yet from DDay, mind you.

Do WS go through huge mood swings too?


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2m2q

Your thoughts are much like any of the rest of us, upon occasion, while riding this rollar coaster. They go up and down, back and forth.

Not unusual at all.

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.


I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

You know, 2m2m, it would be a good idea to express your doubts to your w. I'm only guessing, but your thoughts sound like an expression of pain.

Gently, is it possible you want her to feel the same pain she inflicted on you? Not an unusual thought for some of us. I've felt it.

Your there for a reason, hang in there (())


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2m2q

Your thoughts are much like any of the rest of us, upon occasion, while riding this rollar coaster. They go up and down, back and forth.

Not unusual at all.

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.

I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

You know, 2m2m, it would be a good idea to express your doubts to your w. I'm only guessing, but your thoughts sound like an expression of pain.

Gently, is it possible you want her to feel the same pain she inflicted on you? Not an unusual thought for some of us. I've felt it.

Your there for a reason, hang in there (())


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having so much trouble with this. WS is so angry still from the years of shit I poured on her, the controlling and domineering. Her remorse seems heavily muted, It hasn't even been a full month yet from DDay, mind you.

Do WS go through huge mood swings too?

Yeah unfortunately because of the A that takes precedence over all other M problems pre-A. After A problems are dealt with then pre-M problems can be worked on, until then the WS should be moving mountains and earth to stay with the BS. Really the effort my WS has been putting in is the only thing that has kept me here. If he had not decided to win me back I was done.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:35 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.

I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

Maybe it's my huge insecurity due to the A, but I feel like she gave up on me based on issues prior to A and the A just confirmed it. Also her not being "in love" with me anymore so it does feel like I have to win her back. That's if I want the M to work.

I too agree with Sisoon. And yes, she's making the effort however she is a rug sweeper. Sometimes I do understand that cause when you've F'd up BIG TIME, the last thing you want to do is ponder on it daily. This was so unlike her but now she's got 2 damaged marriages and a head full of guilt.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

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