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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: talking on the phone
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking on the phone is one of my LEAST favorite things, like, ever. It takes so much out of me. Anyway, this guy from Match suggested we talk on the phone instead of email. I replied that I would prefer to email a bit first. I don't think that was the answer he was looking for.

anyway, my question is this. When getting to know someone from Match or any other OLD site, do you talk on the phone? Email? Both? If you do talk on the phone, what do you talk about with someone you are just getting to know?

Tell me...


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate talking on the phone to the point where it has caused me anxiety in the past. Honestly though, it's a necessary evil particularly in the OLD world. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think email at first then phone. Its more personbale.

I am not sure what you talk about because I am still married but I would imagine, about life, like and don't likes. You know the norm at first.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I missed the part where you asked what you talk about. I guess the same stuff you would talk about via email or text, just in a more personable way.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My order is....emailing progressing to texting progressing to phone.

However - I was emailing with one guy who said he literally was a one-finger typer. So he would email me back answering all my questions but I know it took him a LONG time to compose those.

Maybe his reasoning is something like that?

My cousin has been doing OLD for a long time. She said she wasted a lot of time when she was new to OLD emailing/texting only to learn they were clearly not a match when they spoke. So she tends to move very quickly to talking or meeting for coffee.

I can understand that too.

What to talk about.....I literally make a list of possible questions/subjects the first conversation just in case they are lagging in keeping up with their end of the conversation. It makes me feel like Sheldon from Big Bang but at least there is no ackward silences.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do what EvenKeel does too! I make notes about what they've said in their emails or in their profile so I can ask them their kids ages, about work, interests etc.

Talking on the phone to someone I don't know isn't my favorite thing to do either, I really don't like talking at length to anybody by phone...I'd rather talk in person...So, I try to limit it to one phone call and then a face to face meeting or a pass...so much easier to tell if I like someone when meeting face to face.

after quite a bit of time at this old stuff, I want to meet within a week or 10 days...and that seemed like such a fast pace when I started. It gets much less scary the more you do it nutmegkitty.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I rarely talked on the phone with guys before meeting them. I went from email to texting to meeting. Sometimes I skipped texting if I wasn't sure about him having my number.

SO and I rarely talk on the phone. We have had maybe 5 short conversations in over 2 years together.

I suppose if I was gonna chat before meeting, I'd have some ice breaker questions handy, but nothing too deep.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4183 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How was your day?
What's growing in your garden?
Have you seen any good movies?
Where is your family from? Do you see your parents / siblings often?
What kind of sports/music/books/tv shows do you enjoy? What are your favorite foods.'

Just light stuff. Even when talking about light stuff you can discern something about someone's energy to see if it feels enjoyable to be in their 'field' so to speak.

After 20-30 minutes say you've gotta go to an appointment or to run an errand or whatever. Don't stay on the phone too long at first. Don't invest much at the beginning with a stranger. That helps keep it light too. Then these phone convos are easier for both parties. If you both like eachother then you can look forward to another conversation and have time to digest the encounter between meetings. Good luck!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 9:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5834 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was doing OLD I always tried to get them to talk on the phone. It seems a lot of men don't want to though.

But, twice, a phone conversation resulted in a deal breaker for me, so it saved me the trouble of a meeting. One man started ranting and raving about Arabs (after I mentioned my DIL is from Jordan) and he was going ballistic. He also ranted about the government. Another man had the highest pitched voice I've ever heard from a man. It was squeeky and high and there's no way I could listen to it without considerable discomfort.

So, I really pushed for the phone conversations. It really doesn't make much sense to me that someone will be nervous about a phone conversation when an in-person meeting should be so much more stressful.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's growing in your garden?

This one made me LOL.....like it should be code for something followed by a wink.

Sorry - feeling twisted today.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's growing in your garden?
This one made me LOL.....like it should be code for something followed by a wink.

I'm right there in the gutter with you! LOL


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Embers2Fire
♀ Member
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if the answer to whats growing in your garden is, an illegal substance, well you might want to rethink the meet and greet.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me, you know in the end the day you left was really my begnning - Kelly Clarkson

Posts: 416 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Memphis, TN
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's growing in your garden?

EvenKeel- i love Sheldon he is hilarious...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great tips, thanks. I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and do it. And plan for a glass of wine and a nap afterwards


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't do it. I feel like I'm being pressured to do something before I'm comfortable. Too bad I guess, but I'm going to tell this guy that I can't do it before I'm ready.
(sheesh, it's only talking on the phone, but for me, it's a huge thing.)


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with the majority here in that I prefer moving to email/texting first before a phone call.

And with every guy I interacted with on OLD, the looming phone call provoked great anxiety. As in sheer unmitigated dread.

Until the guy I'm dating now. When it was time for him to call the first time? I was nervous, but happy/excited nervous. A sign I think.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3106 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to text with someone unless I'm sure I want them to have my number.

So email is how I started with SO. After 5 or 6 lengthy ones over a 3 day period, we made one phone call to each other and set up a date at the end of it.

4 months later I am happy with him and he honestly hooked me with his writing.

So for me...writing first is a MUST. I'm honestly going to judge him on that so if he doesn't pass that test, he's not getting my number. And after one conversation I can't tell whether I want to meet in person or not, well that would be confusing to me! Because I would (should) have already figured out some personality from his writing/spelling/diction.

Short time emailing, one phone call, one date. I don't want a pen pal!


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I used to do OLD as a single man, I quickly learned this:

No matter HOW much rapport you may feel you have via email and even over the phone, EVERYTHING dissipates as soon as you meet him/her in person.

I recommend therefore spending as little time on the phone or emailing, and cut to the chase--meet in person ASAP.

Also, I do not recommend dinner or any first meeting beyond coffee or a drink. If you hit it off, you can always extend the date and go to dinner or whatever.

I found myself in a few very awkward (and expensive) situations where we met for dinner, only to realize within minutes that there was no chemistry. Then we had to sit through a painful dinner wondering what happened to all that wonderful rapport we had over the phone.

Good luck! There are lots of,nice people out there. It's just a numbers game.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guy has phone anxiety and it was a long time before we talked. We emailed then met for coffee then emailed some more. Met again. Finally he asked if could call me after we had met twice. Now that I know him better I see how much phone stress he has I know what it took to call me.

Why not just email then meet in person for coffee and skip the phone the way we did?

Now we talk every night on the phone and he typically calls me.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5834 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hah, if you need lead up time via emailing/texting to get to a phone call, meeting immediately in person is terrifying!

I could never have done that, ever. I needed several weeks of emailing to want the phone call, and wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting in person without at least a few phone calls.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3106 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 20

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