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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What the hell I thought we were happy
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC went well. We just touch on a lot of topics that we will get further into later but my WS took ownership of everything he has done and is willing to answer all my questions, he resisted a bit a first saying he didn't see how it could help but the MC explained by me not knowing it will cause things to fester and get worse.

As I said before I have asked him almost nothing- I'm almost to scared for the answers I guess but for our next therapy session in two weeks I'm supposed to have at least three questions -the MC said they need to be hard ones that will probably make us uncomfortable but that if we want to R we have to address the A before we can move past it.

So any suggestions on questions I should ask?

Also- my husband has agreed to b tested for low testosterone.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~sigh~ the sex issue is WAY more complicated than I thought.

He is going to be tested for low T.

Our opposite schedules for so long made being together hard- one of us was always asleep when the other wanted it.

Previous relationships have scarred him somehow and he didn't want to have that in our relationship- I'm not exactly sure what that means.

And he masturbates twice a week and yes he uses porn :-(

How for 8 years have I not noticed this? I knew he watched porn but I didn't realize it was that much.

I feel like crap and all I want to do is cry. This is horrible.

My husband is taking me out to an expensive restaurant on Friday for our anniversary.

Sorry this is just a bunch of random thoughts but I can't make sense of it all


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CB))))

It is painful to get some of the answers, but it is also going to allow you to start healing. It's kind of like having a wound, it can't heal until you get it completely cleaned out from the junk in it. (Sorry nurse analogy). Once it is clean (you have the answers, and he has come clean) then the wound will heal. If you give it extra attention like putting ointment on it (working on fixing his issues, and your relationship) it can heal quite nicely with just a small scar (same with the relationship), but you know what's neat about scars? That tissue, the scar tissue, it's thicker, and tougher than normal skin, and you will be too.

Working opposite shifts/schedules can be very hard on a relationship, but remember it's quality, not quantity that counts. Make sure that when you are together you are making the most of it.

He telling you he didn't want your relationship to be like others screams to me that he has some intimacy issues, and fears of opening up. Was he hurt in those "other" relationships? This is something I would definitely bring up at MC.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a IC session on Saturday. It went pretty well, made me feel a bit better about things. I asked how can I know this wont happen again and what else has he lied about. The therapist said I can never know for sure but the things my husband has done on his own for the past 5 years show he's fixing his mistakes:
Changing jobs to a more normal schedule
Not going out for drinks with coworkers
This makes me feel a bit better but then I think if I had found out about all this earlier how would I have reacted? Just bc he lied for 5 years and has made changes to fix some of the problems he gets a free pass??!!
I'm so confused. And depressed.

I was finally able to go off antidepressants for the first time in years six months ago. Now I have a call into my doc so I can go back on them :-(


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Work on yourself in getting stronger with the goal that you can survive and have a life without WH..

I don't mean file for divorce or separate..

I mean work on being protected financially..

Work on your self confidence so that you know in your heart that you and your child can live without WH..

I think all adult people need the confidence that they can thrive on their own when there is no SO or spouse in their lives at any given moment..

I know this is easier said than done, I am experiencing challenges with taking proper care of myself...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Nov 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get a free pass. It might feel that way, but his actions have created a marriage environment that needs a lot of work and attention to shore up.

I think the hardest thing to do is to focus on where you are going, where you want to be, rather than looking back. To balance what you need to know with not getting stuck will be something you have to figure out.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5751 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the sex drive question:

2 other possibilities:

1. masturbating to porn

2. seeing OW you don't know about

Ask for transparency - access to e-mails, cell phone, phone bill, etc. Look at surfing history and porn stashes in your home.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. My WH fell under category 1 for most of our marriage and later had a PA.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC said they need to be hard ones that will probably make us uncomfortable but that if we want to R we have to address the A before we can move past it.

Completelybroken, sounds like you have a MC who understands infidelity!

Since he is willing to go to MC and answer difficult Q's, even volunteering more info, I think your WH is with you in this. It seems that sometimes they have blind spots, like the porn and masterbating, that they don't realize until the BS tells them it's an issue.

You might need to ask him about those prior sexual relationships that were all about sex, and what part of them he found so troubling that he didn't want to have much sex with you. You might need details.

Sorry you need to go back on AD's bc of the A, but you will feel better, and that will help you get through it. You will probably hear more info that will hurt and drag you down, as your H digs into his past to face it.

I hope baby is over ear infections, and you can both get some sleep.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments- it helps so much to know I'm not alone.
DoggieD- since I switched jobs in January I have the ability to be completely independent financially from my husband we have always lived on his salary and have no debt ( go figure we have always been able to discuss financial issues easily) I also know there are no hidden debts as our credit reports are frozen and I double checked it when I found out about the A.
Brute- there is a lot coming out in the lack of sex issue that we will address at MC next week. I don't believe it is another OW but I wouldn't have believed there was one if he hadn't told me.
We have always had total transparency I have always been free to look at his phone,email,and computer that makes it difficult bc we had that transparency and the A still happened without me knowing- he was going out a lot by himself since I was home sick :-( and he no longer does that. He has also this past week has been updating me on where he is at all time- he did this without me asking :-)

I have an appointment today to go back on AD.

The baby is on stronger antibiotics so we have both got some sleep the past few days which I think helps.

Also after dinner on our anniversary we went to the bookstore and got a few of the books y'all have recommended.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We finally sat down last night and he let me question him for almost three hours. He answered everything I asked and more. He is working on a timeline when everything happened and I got approximate dates that things happened on. I told him he had an EA before he had the PA and if he understood that. At first he said no then after some discussion he said I was right so he is working on that timeline too.
He took full responsibility for what he did and repeatedly told me it was his bad decision and not my fault.
I feel better and worse at the same time.
Based on the approximate timeline for sure he fucked her when I was pregnant. That royally pisses me off since that shows not just a disregard for me but for our daughter. He could have given me an STD that could have injured her in some way- how am I supposed to get passed that?

It isn't certain if they had sex after the baby was born but that is important for me to know- he said one of the things he liked about her was how her face would light up when she talked about her son and I was going through PPD and he took it as a personal insult. Which he knows is wrong and he takes full responsibility for not getting me help.

The two worked together for 3 years after the affair and she was even over at our house a few times. I told him how embarrassing and insulting that was, he apologized and cried. I told him I felt like he was getting a free pass in that he got to work with her for years afterwards- we started to argue a bit about that but I stopped and said that was obviously something we should discuss in MC.

I kept asking why he didn't tell me he was unhappy and he said he was scared it would push me further away and he knew that if we could just get past me getting my degree things would be better. That he always has loved me and never stopped even when they had sex. And he knows that makes no sense and we will talk in MC about that.
A lot more was discussed and he said he is willing to sit down with me again and answer more questions.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CB)))
It certainly sounds like he is doing all the right things. That is a promising sign. The fact that he is owning what he did is very helpful to your healing, and the marriage healing.

Don't be so hard on yourself. So what if you have to go back on Ad's, if they help you through this, it's worth it. Also many many many people spend most of their lives on them, that doesn't mean they are less of a person, in fact being able to recognize that you may need it makes you stronger in my opinion.

I'm not sure why you feel your H is getting a free pass on this. He most assuredly is not. He has to do the hard work of figuring out the why's of his choices, and fixing them. Being unhappy in the M isn't the reason he had an A. Having shitty boundaries, or wanting to feel loved appreciated, or even just getting more attention is what is the draw for many WS's. He needs to know why he needed to feel that.
I remeber my H saying, one time early in R that he just wanted me to need him. It pissed me off. I asked why in the world would you want someone who NEEDS you? Wouldn't it be nicer to know that I make a decision to be with you that I want you? I choose you? It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for him.

I honestly think you need to get to the issuses over sex. That's where your answer lies, I bet.

Glad to hear the little one is feeling better, those pesky, persistent ear infections can be difficult on their own, let alone dealing with this.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TN))

When I brought up the EA I brought up boundaries- he has always been a flirt and touchy freely I confronted him about it early on in our dating relationship and he said that was just who he is and I have to accept it- it doesn't mean anything. So I know that's how it started. Then he started "asking her advice" about our marriage and family. I told him do you understand that was crossing a boundary and that I would NEVER discuss our problems with someone of the opposite sex especially one that I flirted with on a daily basis. I think it was a lightbulb for him and he said he wants to talk about that some more.

This still all sucks and I know I still don't have a complete picture but its getting there. I realized in IC yesterday I am being impatient. My IC said I have to go through it not around it and that will take time.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TN))

When I brought up the EA I brought up boundaries- he has always been a flirt and touchy freely I confronted him about it early on in our dating relationship and he said that was just who he is and I have to accept it- it doesn't mean anything. So I know that's how it started. Then he started "asking her advice" about our marriage and family. I told him do you understand that was crossing a boundary and that I would NEVER discuss our problems with someone of the opposite sex especially one that I flirted with on a daily basis. I think it was a lightbulb for him and he said he wants to talk about that some more.

This still all sucks and I know I still don't have a complete picture but its getting there. I realized in IC yesterday I am being impatient. My IC said I have to go through it not around it and that will take time.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm spending the weekend with my family and I have chosen not to tell them about WH's A. Since we are trying to make it through it.
All my family know is that we are having some issues and are in MC.
I did well all weekend until last night, my sister was giving me back some things I let her borrow for her baby and I just burst into tears.

My mom and sister just held me while I cried. They asked no questions and it felt wonderful to be held and cared for.

I know right now it is the right decision not to tell them but it sucks that I am doing it to protect WS. Even though he has hurt me so deeply it is still a natural instict to protect him.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got done with another MC session. I dont really think anything was accomplished. H just said i felt like a punching bag for an hour- which is what i deserve" another wonderful statement was i dont know what to do Im just along for the ride. What the fuck you asshole YOU did this to us. Plus we just spent twenty minutes discussing what he could do to help thing heal.
Hes still insistant it was a mistake and he loves me he just doesnt know how to fix it.
Im tired of the drama


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got done with another MC session. I dont really think anything was accomplished. H just said i felt like a punching bag for an hour- which is what i deserve" another wonderful statement was i dont know what to do Im just along for the ride. What the fuck you asshole YOU did this to us. Plus we just spent twenty minutes discussing what he could do to help thing heal.
Hes still insistant it was a mistake and he loves me he just doesnt know how to fix it.
Im tired of the drama


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
SoLost1545
♀ New Member
Member # 40168
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to your situation. I found out recently that my husband cheated 5 years ago...with a co-worker. I still have yet to find out why he just now (July 30th) decided to tell me.
I have no solutions because I'm going through the same thing and I'm really new to all of this.
I'm offering my support though and to let you know that joining this site has been the best thing to happen yet.


Me: 26 (BS)
Him: 31 (WS)
Married 5.5 years, together 10 years
He Cheated: June 2008
D-Day: July 30, 2013
Don't know where to go from here...

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Georgia
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks solost... It helps to know im not alone. I feel like my world is in shatters and dont know how i missed something so big for such a long time. Plus i cant come to terms with how he worked with her for another 3 years


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I confronted my H on his along for the ride comment and he apologized. I told him I was super pissed I was the one doing all the work to fix his fuck up. I arranged MC I bought books I look up things on the Internet.
He said he didn't know what to do. I told him bullshit its called google, use it. It's called send me some fucking flowers bc you've been a douchbag and our whole marriage NEVER sent me flowers ( bought them yes but never publicly sending them). Read one of the books we bought on our anniversary- just make an effort dammit!
He cried and said he doesn't like to think about it and I told him tough shit the only way I can get past it is for him to tell me everything and that involves him thinking about it so get over it. He cried more and said he would try.
The next morning he texted me a pic of the book he started ( not just friends) that made me feel better.

Last night he randomly started crying ( we where just hanging out watching tv) full on sobbing- I'd never seen him cry like that. He said he is so sorry and he can't believe I'm still with him giving him a chance. He said he's angry with himself that he had everything, amazing wife, kids, life and he tried to throw it away for something so stupid and he doesn't understand why he did what he did.
I just held him and didn't say anything- it was nice to see him cry as hard as I have this past month- he said he's happy I'm still next to him but doesn't feel like he deserves it. I told him you don't deserve it but unlike you when I said our wedding vows I meant them and this is the worse part of for better or for worse. That made him cry harder. I just held him and let him cry.

I think he FINALLY get how much he destroyed


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustJulie
♀ New Member
Member # 40337
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to what you're going through - I found out about my H A last December and we are still working through it. Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing everything right and if he truly cares he has to be suffering too. (Although I doubt it comes anywhere close to how you are feeling)
Keep us posted and know we are here for you.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 49
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