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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's In Hell
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a pretty good week, we had MC on Tuesday. We had actually not talked about the A all week. At MC, I was pretty much a blubbering idiot and he was angry, as to be expected. I feel like I'm crying a lot. It's how I express myself, even though at times, it's unhealty. Anyway, towards the end of the session, he asked me if I would ever do this again. I wouldn't, but I am unsure of myself and quite scared of myself for what I was able to do. He got upset, obviously, that I didn't definitively say no. I am scared of myself and what I've become.

Since MC, his anger is coming out in waves. Our phone calls while he's at work have gone from silliness and insdide jokes, to serious conversation. We just got off an hour conversation, so I want to discuss some of the things we talked about to get some feedback.

He's obviously still pissed off that I have very little idea of how I could have done it. He feels that I should have come out of this affair with a disertation of the reason, but I am at a loss. I know it has to do with my neediness, need for male approval, emptiness, anger that I create due to my own lack of communication (not wanting to make waves), past sexual behaviors (letting guys use me and then throw me away), getting my self worth from others, an addictive quality within me that latches on to others and can't let go,etc.

He says to me that I didn't know why I did it, but yet I was meticulous enough to cultivate and hide the affair. He reminded me that shortly after D-day, I matter of factly stated that I was glad the A was over. The reason I had said that was because living a double life ate me up, but yet I didn't know how to end it. It's obvious now that I should have revealed it, but I suppose I was weak. I always thought that my AP would have to end it. My BH asks me why I would have protected this affair, to which I'm at a loss. Why would I have done that? He is sick of me saying that my AP had to end it. He thinks it's bullshit that I got attached to a loser that he feels was not attractive or irresitable.

My BH has very low self esteem. He told me that I've now added decades more. He feels that his lot in life is to feel bad about himself. It kills me that I caused more pain when he was already in it. He feels that he has nothing now.

He keeps stating that I had no option to persue the A because neither of us were available. I don't know why I thought I had the option to do this. I knew it was wrong, yet I continued. If I knew I shouldn't have started the A, I wouldn't have done it.

He feels that I would have been happier in life if I would have married a teacher and had a family. I tell him that I want him, to which he says I had him. He feels that I must not want him. I NEVER wanted to leave my BH.

A couple things he said really stuck out at me --> "Your neediness cloaks like a film. You're not satisfied being by yourself. You minimize the damage that I do to others based on my needs. Stop investing in your feelings and emotions - they just betray you." Obviously these are two huge things that I need to work on in therapy.

I realize that my lack of communication or withholding my feelings causes more problems. Two examples of late:
1. We bought some decorations for the yard that needed to be lacquered. The lady at the store said to do it one day, and then the next to protect them. He put a couple coats on, but didn't wait a day. Two of them got ruined. When he put them in yard before doing the process like woman said, I told him what he should have done, but them didn't press the issue as to not piss him off, even though I knew he was wrong.
2. Last night we were going to go for icecream that closed at 10, but he thought it was 10:30 because that's what I initially said but then corrected myself. Before leaving, he was taking out the garbage and doing some other things around the house. I knew it was getting late, but I didn't want to tell him that we needed to leave as to not cause conflict. We didn't make it to the icecream shop.

I definitely hold things back to avoid conflict or hurting the other person. Which, as I stated earlier, causes me to have more anger. I censor things to protect his feelings. I need to stop doing this.

Okay, sorry for the length of this post or if I've repeated things I've stated before. This site helps to give me much needed clarity.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger is really tough to deal with, from both sides. I've heard a lot of members say that the absolute worst part of the anger stage occurs about six months after d-day. Unfortunately those feelings are inside of him, and it's best for him to get them out.

Stay strong and keep up with the communication. I think it's good that your are recognizing when you are communicating and when you are holding back. Communication really is key to getting through this.

Keep posting and writing out here. I don't think your post was too long at all.


"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." - Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 4484 | Registered: Dec 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely hold things back to avoid conflict or hurting the other person. Which, as I stated earlier, causes me to have more anger. I censor things to protect his feelings. I need to stop doing this.

Ditto. When BH said or did something that bothered me, I rarely brought it up. Instead, I let several years of tiny resentments pile up, and eventually used that pent-up anger as justification for my As.

Problem identified. Now, how in the hell do I stop holding things back--without making BH feel wrong or unappreciated, and therefore putting him on the defensive? Y'all are gonna get sick of me recommending this book, but it's been incredibly eye-opening. In Nonviolent Communication, the author Rosenberg explains step-by-step how to express yourself compassionately.

It's going to take me weeks and months to master compassionate communication, but you know what they say: the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago; the second-best time is now. What I'm learning from this book is that empathy can be taught.

Back to your examples.

1) Who wanted the yard decorations? Did you offer to lacquer them yourself? Did you discuss it with your H when you bought them, to make certain he heard the lady's instructions? You're saying you knew he was wrong...but surely you don't think he ruined them on purpose? You're not giving him any benefit of doubt, IMO.

2) What stopped you from saying something like this at 9:30? "Hon, thank you so much for taking the garbage out. I really appreciate you working so hard all the time to take care of our home and family. You definitely deserve some ice cream! Just wondering if you noticed it's getting to be 9:30, and the shop closes at 10:00. Can I help with any of these chores, or can they wait till tomorrow?"

I can totally relate to both of your examples; as an outside observer, though, in both of these cases you made him "wrong" and then blamed him for it, without taking any responsibility yourself. BTDT. Trying not to anymore.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Who wanted the yard decorations? Did you offer to lacquer them yourself? Did you discuss it with your H when you bought them, to make certain he heard the lady's instructions? You're saying you knew he was wrong...but surely you don't think he ruined them on purpose? You're not giving him any benefit of doubt, IMO.

We both wanted them. I didn't offer, but painting, etc is something he normally does. I did say to him about waiting a day, but he was too excited to wait. I know he didn't ruin them on purpose. I didn't press the issue because I didn't want him to feel bad (suppressing feelings )

2) What stopped you from saying something like this at 9:30? "Hon, thank you so much for taking the garbage out. I really appreciate you working so hard all the time to take care of our home and family. You definitely deserve some ice cream! Just wondering if you noticed it's getting to be 9:30, and the shop closes at 10:00. Can I help with any of these chores, or can they wait till tomorrow?"

Another example of lack of communication. We had been bike riding and road past the ice cream shop where I saw the sign, but didn't make sure that he was aware of the 10:00 closing. I think I didn't tell him the time or rush him because he doesn't like to be rushed or adhere to a time table. I did say something like "Are you going to take out the garbage when we get back?" and I believe he stated that he was going to do it now, not realizing that he didn't know about the 10 closing time.

I guess both of these situations are my fault. I need to make sure I'm communicating appropriately.

The anger is really tough to deal with, from both sides. I've heard a lot of members say that the absolute worst part of the anger stage occurs about six months after d-day. Unfortunately those feelings are inside of him, and it's best for him to get them out.

Yesterday was 6 months, so it makes sense. I know he needs to get his anger out and he needs give it to me. It's hard, but I just have to take it and allow him to speak his mind.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing that BH said yesterday on the phone was that I used him as an accessory to compare on FB. Yes, I was obsessed with FB, but NEVER thought of him as an accessory.

On another note, we bought more of the lawn decorations. He lacquered them the right way and told me that I was right all along.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing that BH said yesterday on the phone was that I used him as an accessory to compare on FB. Yes, I was obsessed with FB, but NEVER thought of him as an accessory.

Ouch... I trust you told him that you never thought of him as an accessory?

On another note, we bought more of the lawn decorations. He lacquered them the right way and told me that I was right all along.

This sounds encouraging.

I was thinking about how you mentioned your BH's anger "coming in waves". It really is like that. Eventually, with time, transparency, consistency, and healing actions, the waves gradually get smaller and further apart. In the meantime, the boat can be rocky at times.

Hang in there.


"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." - Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 4484 | Registered: Dec 2010
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch... I trust you told him that you never thought of him as an accessory

Yes! I told him that I never viewed him in that way. I can't change his feelings and what he thinks.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Frustrated  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL, I identified with both of you in your post. Lucky me.
The "why" is a big question for me and I think to put it in perspective it is information we need to go forward. First to have a starting point, this is after all where it all began, the why of your choice to have an affair. The moment before it started we were happy and unharmed and then......something happened and we were irrevocably changed. Why? Then to see how we relate to the why. Where we fit in. It is horrible to think that we weren't even connected to the why, had no importance or thought...then how can we protect ourselves if our partners are able to make destructive choices about our lives and we are not even a consideration? And it is about searching for protection from a future hurt by understanding the why of the past hurt. Who wants to feel that you can be catastrophically destroyed by your partner, best friend, lover and they had no reason for it? How can you protect yourself then? Even if the why is because you felt neglected by us or needed more affirmation or whatever we don't want to be alone in understanding or trying to understand. We need your input, we need to know that YOU are concerned as to the why in order to believe that you have that information and understand it yourself so that we can feel that you have the skills to not make that choice again.
And I understand you WS anger at your choosing someone he feels is not attractive, nor irresistable...that you chose that over him? What does that tell him about how you value him, that you will risk losing him and will hurt him for something so worthless? And if he already feels insecure about himself...
For you, I also hold things back to avoid conflict...but this is somewhat learned as my BS always views conflict as someone trying to criticize him, always protective of himself, always goes to not my fault instead of devising a rational solution to a problem, just wants to make sure he is not blamed.
Maybe next time just go run out and bring the ice cream back. But it is great that you are recognizing how your conflict avoidance just brings more conflict. Great clarity.

Just keep praising your BS, showing him support and try to build him up. Show how you value him. Listen.

Hugs to you


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013

Posts: 427 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't change his feelings, but you can seek to understand them. Have you?


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I censor things to protect his feelings.

Gently, but I don't believe that's true. I think you censor things to protect yourself from what you think his reaction will be.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, but I don't believe that's true. I think you censor things to protect yourself from what you think his reaction will be.

You may be right for some of the things I censor. However, I know how he gets angry about certain things and I try not to tell him how I feel, because I don't want to cause more anger. Hence, complete breakdown of communication.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't change his feelings, but you can seek to understand them. Have you?

Yes, I have been trying to understand his feelings. I asked him about the past, why he treated me so negatively, and it was because of his low self-esteem and hatred. He never intentionally tried to hurt me or make me feel bad about myself, even though his words did. I didn't tell him enough how I felt.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I hope this helps. He's expecting a bit to much to soon.

He feels that I should have come out of this affair with a disertation of the reason,

I thought that as well, about my wife who was the WS. It is simplistic thinking. I'm really fricking smart and I still had this simplistic thinking line about this.

Why? Well, because I didn't understand the following...

....neediness, need for male approval, emptiness, anger that I create due to my own lack of communication (not wanting to make waves), past sexual behaviors (letting guys use me and then throw me away), getting my self worth from others, an addictive quality within me that latches on to others and can't let go,etc.

Particularly in the face of this...

...was meticulous enough to cultivate and hide the affair.

Which was just exactly like my WS at the time.

What I learned, over a long period of time, was that my spouse had thinking that I just could not understand, and which was deeply hidden...not communicating and hiding things was a way of life...and those character issues and addictive behaviors and responses to rewards were simply not something that I ever experienced in my own life.

For instance, buying a new car actually makes her feel good. It does absolutely nothing for me.

Getting new shoes makes her feel good. It does absolutely nothing for me.

Getting new clothes. Repeat.

Having a new sexual partner...yeah, that was part of it as well...and it led her to let men use her and treat her badly in the end and she'd go back out and do it all over again, and again, and again, and again. Where as myself, a new sexual partner was someone who had to be considered very carefully, before the sexual partnership evolved, and with a lot of responsibility, and if they treated me badly they were not going to be my sexual partner.

my own lack of communication

I found this all out when she got into IC, and learned about herself, and figured out why she did things, and then learned out how to communicate this...which took her a couple of years and she is still learning.

Good luck.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's expecting a bit to much to soon.

I feel like I should know my reasons. I hate feeling like I can't give him something to hold on to to explain how I have fucked up our life.

What I learned, over a long period of time, was that my spouse had thinking that I just could not understand, and which was deeply hidden...not communicating and hiding things was a way of life...and those character issues and addictive behaviors and responses to rewards were simply not something that I ever experienced in my own life.

I don't know what caused me in my past to be able to hide this and cultivate this A. I know I have trouble communicating sometimes and I want to please people. Sometimes I agree with someone as to not cause conflict. I am starting to dig into my childhood with the help of my IC. She asked me to write down whatever I can remember about my childhood, even if it seems insignificant. Maybe that will help me put together some of the pieces. I think it will take awhile for me to come to self-realization and acceptance.

I can understand the response to rewards. I feel that my personality is act now, think later, whereas my husband is the exact opposite. He overthinks EVERYTHING in life, to the point where he doesn't take many risks. I allow my emotions to overtake me.

that was part of it as well...and it led her to let men use her and treat her badly in the end and she'd go back out and do it all over again, and again, and again, and again.

^^^^^^ This was pretty much my life before I met my BH. However, I still needed male (and female, in a non-sexual way) approval. I may have sent out signals in flirtation that I didn't actually want to man to receive. I just wanted to feel good about myself. I was made fun of a lot as a child. I never really felt pretty (I really still don't even though my husband tells me constantly!!). I want OTHER people to give me approval instead of getting it from myself. I want to be able to change that about myself.

I found this all out when she got into IC, and learned about herself, and figured out why she did things, and then learned out how to communicate this...which took her a couple of years and she is still learning.

I wish it wouldn't take this long. Is that how long it took her to figure out why she had the affair??? I hope that my BH doesn't have to wait that long.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it took her a long time to get to the meat of the behaviors, understand all her behaviors, and "get it" that those behaviors lead to affairs, etc.

It wasn't just the affair behaviors, but the other behaviors that progress to those type of betrayals.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound terrified to me PL. Frightened of inciting more anger, which paradoxically,the more we avoid, the worse it gets. And I know for me, having people be angry with me is terrifying. Trying to be 'good' by not speaking up, is exhausting and is a manipulative way (even if we aren't consciously aware of it) to stave off anger or criticism. There is fear behind this. Finding out what we are so afraid of is key I reckon. And eventually leads to backing ourselves. Something we failed miserably at by having an A(s).

Its a tightrope we WW's walk after what we have done, to our BS and ourselves, especially if we are hellbent on getting to the bottom of our self destructive choices. Because in our desperate need to give our BS some answers, we become so frozen with the fright of it all, the sheer magnitude of what its going to take to get to the bottom of it all, that we find it difficult to find the space to really work this through. But going into this morass of ourselves takes time.

Because in the same way it didn't take months for us to learn how to trash ourselves so royally, and make such terrible choices as to avoid being a 'grown up', it also won't take only months to get to the bottom of ourselves, so that we can look in the mirror and start to like what we see.

Keep going PL. As will I.



“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 241 | Registered: Feb 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...good post. I am ever so grateful to WS...particularly WW who post here. I have limited insight into my own fWW at times...this is good to read...tough to read...but good.

Just wanted to say that just about 6 months into it my RAGE hit a level I never thought I was capable of. It scared me almost as much as it did my wife. I am at 11 months now and, for the most part, can deal with it better.

We are still working on communication.

I applaud your strength PL. I sense you are still needing more...but I gotta tell you...it looks like you are going to do this. Once I got past the real extreme rage, and control my selfish feelings...I have empathy for all involved. This is a trial for both BS and WS alike.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh....for what it is worth....we too have experienced a decent week up until MC...then my anger rages again...effectively derailing any real growth. Not proud of that...waste of $70...plus adds to the hurt and pain.

We do the best we can...we never really fail as long as we try again....we always gain something.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ophelia and Blakesteele for the encouragement. It's greatly appreciated.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound terrified to me PL. Frightened of inciting more anger, which paradoxically,the more we avoid, the worse it gets. And I know for me, having people be angry with me is terrifying. Trying to be 'good' by not speaking up, is exhausting and is a manipulative way (even if we aren't consciously aware of it) to stave off anger or criticism. There is fear behind this. Finding out what we are so afraid of is key I reckon. And eventually leads to backing ourselves. Something we failed miserably at by having an A(s).

I've been thinking about what you wrote. I need to stop living in fear. It eats me up inside. I need to just let my BH know what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it without concerning myself about him triggering. He said in MC this week that there is not a moment during the day that he doesn't think about the affair. He's always aware. If I want our marriage to work, I can't hold back feelings because I'm worried about his triggers. I'm working on it. I don't want him to think that what I'm thinking is different then what I'm saying.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 38
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 23
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