The AP is no longer involved in any age group that would include any of my kids. His kid is 5 years younger than my youngest and he may be involved at that level, I have no idea really. He stepped down from involvement other than with his kid after his dday. I did the same.
My DD14 is starting HS and has said that she doesn't want to be involved any more. I was glad to hear it as the activity is a trigger for BH (understandably).
She just announced out of the blue that she wants to play after all. Then DS9 stared talking about how it is his "thing"and he loves it more than anything.
I just mentioned to BH last night that it's almost time to sign up for the Fall and he said he would prefer if DS doesn't play...
Now DD has announced she wants to play and BH is obviously very upset. We haven't had a chance to talk yet as the announcement occurred while we are driving to go to a party for DS'.
Please help me not screw this up. I want to support my BH. I know my kids may have consequences because of my horrible choices but we live in a small town and there is not much going on here for them. How can I explain it to them if we aren't letting them play?
[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:43 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Ultimately I would defer to your BH, however, could you guys discuss his triggers at length, a possible game planif you were to allow the kids, his fears, validating his feelings, etc.
For me at least, it comes down to communication with my fwh, him acknowledging me, and coming up with a plan about triggers.
I just felt the panic when it all happened. He's calmed down now. I have to think of the right way to bring it up.
I think adults have to do everything in their power not to screw things up for kids. Actions have consequences, but the consequences should be limited to the adults to the extent possible. Your BH didn't ask for this and doesn't deserve it, but he was part of a marriage that, for whatever reason, went dysfunctional. The kids are not part of the marriage and its dysfunctions. Between your BH and the kids, he should bear the brunt of your choice to step outside the marriage. And I'm all too aware how unfair it is, but this experience has taught me that "fair" has very little to do with life.
Regardless, I hope things work out for the best.
I hate that I've put my BH in this position. You're right Sal, there's nothing fair about it.
I think I can see some of what is going through my BH's head. He will be expected (by small town society, his and my parents, etc.) to support his kids (watch them play). He will be triggered horribly by being there, the AP and his BW may cross our paths at times.
He still worries that I will run into the AP around our small town some time. I have assured him I would never speak or even make eye contact but how we know what my words are worth... (And rightly so.)
Just more suckiness for us to deal with especially even having to ask him to make this choice.
You need to talk about how important the activity is to your children, figure out if there is alternatives that do not include AP and if not have a plan on how you will handle this activity together. The last thing you want is to have the kids drop an activity because of the AP being there - as painful as it is to the BS we sometimes have to suck it up for the sake of the children. My advice is make sure your BS knows you understand how hard this is for him and you are truly sorry putting him through this.
Gotta love the life that we livin'