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All of you who are divorced... especially those a few years out, if there are any...

do you still hate the OM/OW?

I hate that she's a part of my kids' lives. Unfortunately, the contact that I have to have with XWH and the fact that I have minor kids who come back from visitation and tell me what's going on over there has definitely kept me from full "meh" at this point.

But hate her? Nah. She's pitiful. That she can marry my ex after meeting him on Ashley Madison and think that he's some kind of great meal ticket for herself and her kids is totally pathetic. She has no job, no degree... she's just gone from one negative marriage to another (which she'll discover at some point). I also pity her kids-- it must suck to have such a selfish woman for a mother.

OW is non existent to me. She is a non-entity. If she lives or dies, it will have no impact on this world. She is nothing. She is less than dead.

Now my X, I still hate him. But then he still hurts my DD.

Hate her? Sure, not so much for me but how her and Ex's selfish actions hurt my son and effect his life.

But I find I don't think of her every day like I used to, hardly at all now really. However if she was trapped in burning car in front of me with no one else around.....

I would like to add that I consciously delegated OW to a non-entity. I had to work on that. For a long time after dday I obsessed over her until one day someone on SI pointed out that I was letting her live rent free in my head. So I evicted the bitch.

It is a process, but it can be done and for me it was incredibly freeing.

HTH

I don't hate the wifetress. If anything, I pity her. She's an insecure and weak woman, now married to an insecure and weak man. But mostly, I don't think about her much at all. She's irrelevant.

Well, my divorce isn't officially final yet, but it has been 4 years since STBXH and I separated with no chance of R, so I'm going to answer the question .

Unfortunately, I DO still hate the OW. She and STBXH have broken up, but I still hate her for what she did to me and my children. And yes, I realize STBXH is to blame also, and I still hate him for it too.

I would love to be at the point of indifference, but I'm not. OW (and STBXH) destroyed my family when my youngest was only 4 months old. Mine and my kids' world changed in an instant. How do you stop hating people who could do something so heartless?

I don't dwell on it any more, but I still hope that she and my wxh die slow and painful deaths.

Then I don't think about them any more.

I didn't answer my own question.

The ow with my college ex fiancé? I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her- and also admire her for calling the cops when he hit her. That's something I wish I had done.

The ow who was with my DD's dad? It's been 4 years. I still have a restraining order, so she isn't part of my life or my daughter's life at all. The majority of the time, I don't think of her at all, she isn't even a blimp on my radar.

But even after 4 years, I still don't consider her a human being. I hear about her every now and then again, and I smile when I hear that she is having a rough time. I have never considered myself as a hateful, vengeful person- but this ow...if I could murder her and have no consequences for doing so, I would. I wouldn't bat an eyelash or lose one moment of sleep. She disgusts me.

I don't hate OW. That would give her too much power. She comes and sits in the car at drop offs. She will attend some sporting events to mark her territory and to "support my kids." < that is not hate, that is disgust.

She disgusts me. I don't like her, I don't approve of her actions or her behavior. The fact that she sets herself up as a caring adult in my children's lives makes me roll my eyes every single time.

My youngest asked me this same question. Do I hate OW? I answered him with the truth. I don't hate her. But I don't like her. I will never like her. We won't be friends or friendly. But I am not going to pull her hair, spit in her general direction, key her car or otherwise embarrass myself or my kids.

At this point, if a voodoo doll could cause her absolute pain within my control, I don't think I would exercise that power. Shortly after dday? I'd have set that bitch on fire. Now? eh, she's pitiful enough all by herself.

I hated OWUglyIndian so much that I made her important for quite a few months.

Not anymore. I don't hate any of them. I think they are horrible, hideous people but I don't hate them. They didn't do this to me or my family - if it wasn't them it would have been be someone else, some other low hanging fruit who was willing and in proximity.

I do hate it that OWUmpteen is in my girls lives. I hate it that she shares time with them that I feel has been stolen from me. She is a 24 y/o imbecile - I hate it just the same that that 41 y/o imbecile gets to steal time from me just to diddle on his computer or diddle his whore instead of cherishing and giving my girls the quality time they so richly deserve.

Thinking of this quote helped me move past some of the hot anger:

Holding onto hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

t/j

SBB, the first version of that quote I heard was

Hate is like holding a hot coal in your hand and hoping it will burn the other person.

Then I heard the poison version and liked it better. But it was both of these that helped me move on too! We are cosmic twins in healing.

end t/j

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:19 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

How do you stop hating people who could do something so heartless?

You make that person a nothing. A void. An erased entity. A nothing that matters to no one and will never ever have any impact on the world. A void that will not even register on any person's radar if they cease to exist. In fact, it is like they do not exist now because they mean nothing to nobody.

THAT is better than hate. When a person is hated then they have power and notoriety. Think about Hitler. Do you want OW to have the recognition in life and death that Hitler had? No. You want her to be never remembered ever ever again. Not loved. But also not hated because that brings as much emotion as love. Rather, to be non-existent.

My answer is surprising to me.

No, I don't hate her.

She played a key part in the breakdown of my marriage, she was opportunistic and she exhibited the morals of a dishrag BUT she was not the one who I had exchanged vows with. No, I don't hate her. I can honestly say I don't feel anything towards her.

Now, if you had asked about the XH, that's a different story.

I do. If she showed any kind of remorse, or any kind of character, I don't think I'd feel that way. But she's a spider.

She ended up dumping him. Just like she dumped the last married man. And will the next. My ex ruined his life for nothing. Left his kids to move across the country, for nothing. For a spider spinning webs for her prey.

On a recent blog post (she's a writer for an ad agency) her final words were:

Who knew that the suffering of others would put such a big smile on my face?

Oh the irony. I believe every word of that is true.

So yeah, hate pretty much sums it up. Wish she didn't have that power...

[This message edited by NWfleur at 12:00 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Nope, not at all. I think it's just plain sad that OW is so pathetic that she wanted my life. Now she's got it, except XH didn't marry her, but he does cheat on her.

As for him, I pity him. Still hope he can one day be the man I gave him too much credit for being. Which makes me ... foggy at best.

You know, I never hated stripper-whore. She's a barely literate white trailer trash stripper that gave blow jobs outside the club for extra cash. I find her pathetic and not worth my time.

I tell everyone who tries to hate on her (the few people that I have contact with that see the happy couple) that they should encourage her to get an education on ex-shat's dime.

No, I don't hate her anymore. I don't wish her well, but she is not worthy of me feeling anything about her.

NW? Hate her? No . Fear her? Yes- she is bat shite crazy. She used to bring her gun to kid pickup AND tell my kids she needed it for protection because I threatened her! I didn't. But it ( and the stand your ground law) had me arranging for undercover police protection at kid drop off. She and XH moved closer and closer, they now live 1/2 me away. She drives by my house regularly. Youngest is 18 and out of HS. Xh and I have no need for contact, yet she still drives by. We have been divorced for 10 years. I think she hates me, her obsession with me is a little scary.

Other than worrying about my safety, they are mostly comic relief in a sick sort of way.

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:59 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

I don't hate OW anymore. "It" is a pawn in his life, just as I and are children, family and friends all have been. Rather, I pity "it" if the thoughts even enter my head anymore.

It took some thinking on my part and work with counselors to get to a point where I can believe that OW is just a symptom or product of the A and it could've been anyone.

OW fell for the same initial charm that I did. But the mask doesn't hold up under pressure and a snake is beneath.

If OW creeps into my head nowadays, it's with a shake and thought of "stupid fool", for I and she know what "it" is getting and "it" is choosing to accept it-"it" is someone who can be hugely controlled and is being controlled and going to get shock of her life someday, as I did. Calling it "her" makes her too real and too person-like, so "it" works better for me to keep thinking of a non-person...in a sense, like Gollum but very large.

I am not divorced yet but it is in process. I've been waiting to see if "it" appears at a mediation meeting or someday shows up at my door. TBTD...That'll Be The Day!