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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still hate?
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. It occurred to me in the wee hours one night that I've been cheated on by every man but one, Beyond Breaking. It's not many, but hit me hard.

Do I wear a "stupid" or "naive" sign or something?

There is one who, for whatever reason, has come out of the wood work from over 20 years ago and tries to tell me he didn't really do it...he is married and I keep ignoring him or telling him, "go away." What gives?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was my best friend. I loved her like a sister.

She not only had an affair with my husband, she manipulated me. She would ask me questions about my marriage, and report back to him, she encouraged me to leave him after I found out about the first affair, etc. She told anyone that would listen (after news of the affair broke) that I abused him for years. She shows NO respect for boundaries or my role as their mother - she insists on showing up for everything, parent teacher conferences, etc.

I am working on letting the hatred go, for ME, but yes, I hate her.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think hoya is definitely entitled to the hate - what a bitch...

As for me it's like someone posted earlier:

I consciously delegated OW to a non-entity

As I told XWH a long time ago, I already got the best he had to offer, she can have what's left, and it ain't pretty.

And, when I have thought of her, I pity her.

I may see her for the first time in a couple of weeks at my nephew's 3rd bday party. My XSIL and I are still close - she has refused to allow X to bring OW around for the past 2 1/2 years since Dday - but my XMIL is pushing for her to at least allow her to be there - it's fine I can handle it now. Honestly, it will be fun to watch her squirm because my SIL's In Laws are a huge family who adore me, lol.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate ex? Yes, with a passion. Hate OW? She's not with ex anymore so no, I don't care about her one way or another. If she were with ex still I'm not sure how I'd feel? I think she is pathetic and stupid but I don't hate her.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Feeling Consumed
♀ Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all my heart.

I don't think I will ever stop hating her because I think she is a very shrewd, conniving bitch. She worked with my ex for like 10 years and they never had any interest in each other. Then all of a sudden after she is put in charge of payroll and sees that my ex made very good money, I think little $$ popped up in her eyes and she set her eyes on her target. I could just hear her saying "I'm gonna get me a piece of that pie".

At an office Christmas party, 3 years before I kicked ex out, she acted very, very strange towards me. I caught her staring holes in me but she wouldn't speak a word to me - we used to talk all the time before that. When me an H got in car after the party, I asked what was her deal and he showed absolutely no signs of guilt so I don't think he was "gaga" yet. Don't think he started thinking of her as an OW until end of 2008 from things I can piece together.

So bottom line, I truly believe in my heart that she pursued my H for at least a 1-1/2 before the big dumbfuck figured out she was coming on to him and then he jumped on that fast train to affairyland.

Even though he "finished" it, I do believe she started it, so I will hate her forever and a day for chasing after my H and sinking her hooks into him.

Of course I will always hate him too for allowing her to sink her hooks.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. But it's not an ACTIVE hate. She doesn't occupy my mind and I don't plot her downfall. But, yes. I hate her.

I understand the people who say "why hate her, she could have been anyone". If that works for them - Great. But, if a drunk driver slammed into my car and destroyed my family, I'd hate them too. Sure, it could have been any other drunk driver...but it wasn't. It was that person. They made a choice and the choice they made caused pain and damage to me and mine.

Like I said though, it is not an active, all-consuming hate like right after D-day. It doesn't occupy my every waking thought or interfere with my life. But, while I may no longer be plotting her downfall, I have party hats and confetti standing by in case it happens anyway.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1740 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't. I don't want to be friends with her, but much of that is because she's such an unpleasant person. Like XWH!!! However, I am in many ways grateful to her (though it took me a long time to realize and admit this.)

While the pain of infidelity was beyond anything I could have imagined, it made me take a good look at my XWH and my marriage and realize that he was (is) a broken, abusive, personality-disordered person. I was happy in the marriage, and thought I had married my best friend, but my life is so much more amazing now.

I realized that XWH was a parasite, sucking me dry. He's like the dementors in Harry Potter. He could suck the joy out of any situation. I always made excuses for him -- his childhood, the demands of medical school, etc -- but really, it's just because he's a broken, unpleasant person.

I truly believed in marriage for life, and I'm not sure that I ever would have left him had it not been for the cheating. I also don't believe that if it hadn't been her, it would have been anyone. She was almost a clone of his mom, and there aren't many people unfortunate enough to claim that! I'm pretty sure that it was only because of the sick semi-incestuousness of MOW that he had an affair with her.

But life is so much better now that I'm glad she was immoral and willing to step outside her marriage to sleep with my husband. Otherwise, I would have been saddled to that dementor for the rest of my life; existing instead of living.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3402 | Registered: Dec 2011
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not divorced yet (EXH signes the papers this week woot) but we have been separated for two years (dday was 4 years ago).

I don't think of her at all. I guess because I always blamed him from day one. He made the committment to me, not her. She is just some sad person who thought she could get something from a married man. He dropped her real quick when I found out and has never gone back to her.

I have to drive by her work quite often and barely give it a thought. She got what she deserved and I think he did too. So I am happy .


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 8 years out. I never hated OW. She only lasted about 6 months post-D. I have forgotten her name.

Don't hate XWH either. Hate is a wasted emotion in my world. I have moved on, survived, and am thriving.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7737 | Registered: Aug 2005
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many great lines on this thread!

I don't "hate" any of the OW as that implies some level of caring, and I don't give one tinkers damn what happens to any of them. If they all fell off into a giant sinkhole tomorrow I would only shrug and give a "meh." They don't deserve any of my energy. They were nothing more than notches on POS's bed post.

As for POS...well, I don't "hate" him, but I absolutely hate what he has done to me, our marriage, and the family. I hate what he continues to do to the kids. I will never forgive him for any of that. I cannot turn off 30 years of feelings overnight, but I am really quite ambivalent where he is concerned.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1183 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have warm fuzzies for her. In fact, if I am asked to think of her (like, here), I do kind of hate her.

But here's the thing: I have more important things to worry about. LOTS of them. And she's NOWHERE on my to-do list.

She's a nonentity, basically. If I am encouraged to think of her, I can muster up some ill feelings. But really, I don't care to think of her at all. (Now that I'm thinking of her, though, I hope the quality of her life reflects the quality of her character. Her nonchalant attitude when I was scared for my depressed son's life---a depression triggered by my poor son learning of the A before I did, and hiding it because he had NO idea what to do with the information-- earned her that. I suspect she continues to skate, unscathed. That's just how life is,sometimes---just plain unfair. And for that, I can work up a head of hatred. For a minute or two, until something real demands my attention. Like my dog, who wants to be let in from the backyard. He's WAY more important to me than a broken whore who uses other people to fill her holes.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't hate her because I don't care about her.

BUT, if she was still in my ex's life I might feel differently. They weren't together anymore when she came to my door and told me about their affair. She was jealous and thought he was cheating on HER at that moment so she came to me to rat him out. So twisted.

So I hated her in the moment, but could care less now. I haven't passed her anywhere and I know I wouldn't like it if I did. But I don't care enough to look her way or say anything to her. She's beneath me.

As for my ex, I reached the stage of indifference. Hallelujah!! It helps that he's apologized. In fact, that step was totally necessary for me to get here. I see and talk to him far too often because of our young son whom we share 50/50 (custody only, no finances exchanged.)

But now he's just a super familiar stranger if that makes sense.

I'm happy now. No room to hate.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
josie11
♀ Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW means nothing to me. I feel nothing but pity for her.

Now my XWH, him I hate, more for the damage he has done to his children than for his betrayal of me.

I wasn't married to OW. I was married to XWH. He's the one who cheated on me and pretended everything was fine.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2011
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I decided to leave my xWH, it's a little shocking by how much the xAPs have become a non-entity to me. Zero. But I think it's because I've been able to detach from the whole thing.

However, my ex didn't stay with either of his APs (although his new GF is another of his 'just friends' so maybe he is) and we never speak as we don't have children or any shared property or issues. We have like 1% overlap in life (friends). That's it. I think that makes a huge difference.

Don't get me wrong, I don't *like* xOWs. I would probably get some satisfaction if I heard something terrible happened to them, but there isn't that constant seething hatred.

ETA: I don't even really hate my exWH. Resent? Yes. Angry? Sometimes. Hate... no.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:22 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of you all are better people than me. I still hate OW#umpteen and all the others that I know about (ie have names for) plus xWH. All of the OW were complicit in the long con my xWH ran on me. All were equally culpable for stealing 10 years of my life, all the money that I worked for from age 20 to 45 and well, just everything.

It's not ever present, I don't think about it much, but when I do, I am filled with a visceral hate that if one of them or xWH were in front of me and I thought I could get away with it, I would beat them to a bloody pulp. I can visually see the damage I would do and occasionally I get the satisfaction of doing it in my dreams. And that feeling doesn't make me feel shameful, it kind of makes me grin. Call me an awful person if you want, I don't care. There was an SI member who told me I was heartless, and in this area, you bet I am. And proud of it.

I think one reason the hate stays alive is that most of the OW from the last 5 years, plus xWH are in my orbit. So there is always the potential that they will show up in my work place and fuck with my current life. And I mean fuck with my career, not just be a presence.

In my current posting, I very openly explained about xWH and he is banned from entering the country I am in and I have permission to report if he does. But of course, that says nothing about the future b/c as I get further from this, people will be less understanding of my fear.

So in truth, I think the hate remains b/c I still feel vulnerable to them in that area. Whatever though. I've survived a lot and will survive this too. It's what I do apparently so I might as well accept it, stop trying to pretend I'm weak and get on with it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the OW were ones I found out about long after I kicked ex out, so, I guess they never really registered with me, they were just confirmation I made the right choice. OW1 probably should have hated, she is the one who told me he was cheating, claimed she didn't know at the time that he was married, then months later hooked up with him again, but I just don't even care to muster up the energy to have any feelings for her whatsoever.

OW2 I hated for a long time, then I pitied her, then we got along while I pitied her, but their "relationship" couldn't tolerate my kindness and she ran away. It's been a year now since she left, and I wish her well, just because I loved her daughters, and hated they were caught in the middle of their mother's crap, and I hope she can get her shit together and give them a good life.

If you had to,d me 4 or 5 years ago I would feel this way, I would have laughed, but...things change.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not anymore. I don't hate any of them. I think they are horrible, hideous people but I don't hate them. They didn't do this to me or my family - if it wasn't them it would have been be someone else, some other low hanging fruit who was willing and in proximity.

I do hate it that OWUmpteen is in my girls lives. I hate it that she shares time with them that I feel has been stolen from me. She is a 24 y/o imbecile - I hate it just the same that that 41 y/o imbecile gets to steal time from me just to diddle on his computer or diddle his whore instead of cherishing and giving my girls the quality time they so richly deserve.

I feel the same way.
OWnw and XWH either buy the kids too much junkfood and junk, and other wise ignore them. What they really need most is presence not presents.
I don't hate this OW. There were several why should I single her out? I dislike her.
I wish she would be a better adult when my kids are around her. She is also hooked on opiate meds that are not even prescribed for her/does not have a legit reason to be taking them. I worry about my girls' safety when she drives them. I feel powerless about that.
She also tries to email me nastygrams where she wants to tell me all my perceived faults with profanity-- her emails are all filtered to the trash unread. This according to kids, infuriates her. Too bad too sad. Let the actual parents do the parenting. The only reason she would need to communicate with me would be to tell me the girls' father died. Anything else I don't deal with her at all.
The girls are embarrassed by her trailerfabulousness, walmart shopping, pork rind eating, accent and poor grammar. Example "It don't matter. It really don't" That's how she talks. She also tries to buy them skanky inappropriate clothing. They're not allowed to wear those things when they're at home or with me. (90% custody is mine)


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always disliked her due to per personality, I knew her before the A.
I don't hate her for what she did because she's just a needy, incomplete, broken individual who finds that broken WS mirrors her need.
I take strength in the knowledge that I am strong enough to get myself well and not be the kind of person who needs HIM.
She does not have that, he doesn't have the strength to fix himself.
So hate, not really.
As for him, I pity him. Still hope he can one day be the man I gave him too much credit for being

^^This too...but I still have hope that my #1XWH will get his shit straight, and he's been cheating on women for 20 years.
What is it about people like us who see the potential best in people, the people who never fulfill that potential?
Oh, wait-we're codependent. Lol. Keep forgetting.



I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
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