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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like you may be changing from the Wayward to the Reconciliation forum soon.
We are in R and it has been 10 months from Dday. It gets a little easier each week.
We are in MC and IC, did Love Languages(we are bilingual in the same 2 languages). Last weekend we went to a marriage retreat.
This week marks 1 year that WH has been "mine alone" It still hurts to know I wasn't enough for him, but just like you, he has shown me that he can be faithful and supportive.
Keep up the HARD work and it still can work out for the better.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a great update Danntonio. It sounds like you are really doing the work on yourself and not just paying lip service to it. You're backing up your early promises to your wife with actions, and it seems like it's working. Good news - keep it up.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone..

Thanks 5674emt: It hasnt been a great evening and my BW is asking me those very questions >>>Why? Why wasnt I good enough for you then but I am now? She is having a hard time but trying. She has told me that when we are intimate questions like is he thinking of her? run through her head.

Hi Sinsofthefather and thank you... I have been trying but as I just mentioned above....it is very hard for her and understandably.

I dont know what to tell her other than I am so sorry for hurting her. For betraying our love. For everything that I have done. I also tell her what I have done to give it the best chance to work. Things like reading articles on this site, The Five Languages of Love, the IC and MC sessions. To cease contact and move to a different squad. Do not expect things to be easy at all. I know that these things do not guarantee success. I do know the rate of success is directly proportional to the approach one takes: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair illustrated a variety of approaches and the expectant results. I have really strived to take the best/hardest possible route.

Anyways.....I dont know if she is finding it too hard to deal with and wants to get out? I hope not...I know she is trying.... We still are trying so I guess that anwers that question.

Anyways....thank you all...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are only 3 months into R. Both you and your BW have alot of healing to do individually before the M can be healed.

We are 10 months in and I still have hours when I cannot even bear to look at him without wanting to walk away and let him feel the pain of rejection. I stay because WH is now committed to answering the hard questions, bearing with me as I go through the healing process and making a committment to fix this mess He got us into.

Hang in there, love is still able to find it's way back into her heart.

Someone on SI has a tagline that says:

I am not the Winner, I'm the prize
. Your BW may benefit from hearing that about herself.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All....and thanks 5674emt :)

Update....I know its boring for many...but it seems to help me and I hope it helps you.

Life is going well....couples counseling is good. I bring up topics that my BW is too shy to bring up....(she is just a private person and its hard). We discuss issues and how to proceed from where we are now. Our counselor is good I think and is helping us R !!! YAY !!! I am not home full-time yet...but am there 5/7 nights....which is good I think...?!?!?! My BW and I are going to the Rocky Mountains this weekend for a few nights as a mini vacation. I KNOW its going to go well.... I am so sorry for hurting this beautiful woman...person....I need a hard kick to the ribs for that....

We are continuing our house renos with our hopes to move to the coast next summer.... She knows I want that dream for us...and I think she wants that too...A change...a big change, will help I think.......My dad told me that I should worship the ground she walks on for giving me this chance...and I am trying to....trying to in a normal honest way....

Thanks so much for all of you... !!! Thanks EMT !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear it is still moving forward toward recovery and reconciliaton. It sounds like your are learning how precious the treasure you already had really is. As a BS myself, don't make her regret letting you back into her life.
Keep up the good work.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio, of course it's not boring to hear how well you are doing - it's quite the opposite actually - I hope it gives encouragement to anyone out there reading but not posting, to see such a positive post from you. It's great news that you are still being so proactive, building slowly but surely and continuing to work on communication together with your wife. I hope you have a great weekend together.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there.....everyone... UPS AND DOWNS... update

My BW and I went away for a weekend in the mountains...it was beautiful and fun. I bought her a beautiful diamond ring to let her know I want to redo everything and make it better. She loved it. However, Halloween is when this terrible thing began last year and so she is not feeling well. She kept some emails that were between me and the OW...and is really depressed about it and not feeling good.... I wish she would throw them away so she doesnt refresh the wounds I have caused. Another counselling session is coming up in a couple weeks. Things go from being so good to exactly the opposite at the drop of a hat.

I am so sorry for hurting you...I am

Thank you to everyone

[This message edited by Danntonio at 8:49 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio, I was out trick or treating with my son last night. I was thinking back to the first Halloween after d-day. My Dh had held back and not told me the whole truth after our d-day in September but it was right around Halloween that we were finally on the right track. There was a glimmer of hope I guess. I was still gutted and sad and heartbroken but I remember walking around with him and the kids and thinking "I want this ..at least I think I still want this.. ". It was as good as I could do.. but something was there.

I guess I tell you this because it was 7 years ago, we had an awesome Halloween last night and I didn't even remember that last month was 7 years since d-day until I did the math while writing this post. Yep.. I forgot.

Keep doing what you are doing. Just keep swimming.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44351 | Registered: Sep 2006
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks metamorphisis....

I really do thank you...I wish my BW would come here and read that. I dont think she can see that light right now... But she says the same things to me....that she thinks she wants this but is scared and hurt...and just doesnt know.

The counsellor told her...us..that it would get better...it will. I guess at certain times it doesnt seem so.

Thank you again


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You still have hope. It might not be as much as you would like, but it is still hope.
The fact that she accepted the ring is a good indicator that she is still willing to move forward WITH you.
At Almost 11 in from DDay, I still struggle with the pain of deceit.
My Anniversary is in 25 days and I do not feel there is anything to celebrate , but I am not giving up on us.
As long as fWH continues to be attentive to my healing and R, I will work for it too.
Don't give up. We are praying for your recovery.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were in MC she said that repeated exposure to the details of the A would work to make it less intense, in the same way that repeated exposure to dogs would reduce a fear of dogs. Perhaps her need to hang onto those emails is helping her to become desensitized to the details. Still rooting for the two of you even though I haven't posted on your thread for awhile.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio,
I have just read your thread. You are to be commended for taking responsibility and acting proactively to help your wife heal.

You mentioned that she had emails from your A and had a bad day. Do not expect her to get rid of the emails. I still have the one's from my H A 4 years ago. I do not read them anymore, they are forever seared in my brain, but I have them.

You mentioned your A was 10 months long. Which means you are in the "A season" for her. Expect to see triggers if there is something in the email that is particularly painful on the date it was written. Or if your behavior was altered on a day you were together. For example, we had been at a fall fest and my H kept trying to get away from me (usually to the bathroom) so he could text OW. Those days are especially painful to me.

So, think back, do some soul searching. Identify those dates on a calendar if you can and be prepared for her to have bad days on those dates. She may or may not, but you will be ready for them. If you know those dates, send her a note early that morning reassuring her. try to do something special to break the memory and make that day about the two of you. Reset her calendar so next year the anniversary of that date is less painful.

We are 4 years out. I still have a few dates that are crushing to me. However, many of the other dates have blurred and faded. You seem like a very proactive individual, this is one way you can continue to be proactive.

Expect questions around the holidays...especially Christmas. Did you buy her a gift...what was it...etc. "A" season is very difficult for both. Be ready for the fall out.

I hope things keep going well for the both of you.

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 8:42 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as this is disappointing to you...it is tremendously disappointing to me. I made a stupid mistake a couple weeks ago when I was up having some beer at my dads. I STUPIDLY talked to the OW...and now, since that came out...I think I have just now completely wrecked everything that I was working hard to achieve. The OW sent a carefully padded email to my BS....outlining all the stuff that went on in our A.... and talking about secret talks and so on.... I made another stupid mistake. I know I have let you all down. I was sincere in my efforts to make this work. I am not even sure why I did that....I am sorry to everyone here who has been giving me advice..


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
What?  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((danntonio)))
Prayers sent for you and your BS.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone..... Pardon my language....but I told both her and her husband to FUCK OFF and never wrote me or my wife again. I stupidly tried to be friendly whom I should NEVER have talked to at all ever again. She begged me to meet her...give her two minutes of my time....so STUPIDLY I did...and told her that I was trying to build my life with my wife and that is the direction I was going. Unfortunately I was the one who inititiated contact....I guess I was stupid enought to think "well...I am not going to do anything with her...no problem being friendly or just ignoring her...?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<< DUMB MAN DUMB DUMB MOVE !!!!She used that against me once she knew I was going to be faithful to my wife.... She wrote a contrived letter to my BW full of lies and highlighting the affair......sent it to me...then my BW... Sorry...dont mean to swear.... I FUCKING HATE YOU !!!!!

I love my sweet beautiful wife....forever


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..Danntonio..

Sorry to read here tonight that the broken 'NO CONTACT' has set your "R" clock back to zero..

..all the effort you've made, which has been sincere I'm sure has all been washed away with this e-mail from her.

..you have a lot of explaining to do again, if it is possible to somehow make your BW believe you had harmless intentions..

..i'm sure that you realize now that there can be NO friendship with the OW.. none, nada, zilch \, zero...period.

..i still think your BW could benefit from coming to this site and getting some support, but i know that is totally her decision..

..I wish you the very best of outcomes, but it is going to be a tough uphill climb considering the most recent slide back down with OW's contact with your wife..

sending healing prayers to you both..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4118 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I was the one who inititiated contact....I guess I was stupid enought to think "well...I am not going to do anything with her...no problem being friendly or just ignoring her...?"

BS here. Gently, what were you after when you initiated contact? It must have been more than simply "I think I'll say hi". Were you fishing to see if she still wanted you, or were you fondly remembering the affair?

Gently again, your relationship with this woman nearly destroyed your marriage. If I were your BS, I would want to know why you had to contact her. It's hard to understand that. It seems so counterproductive.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:48 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio
I can not understand why why I am sure your BS cant either.
Seriously do you want to be married?
I have been following your story and your heartfelt remorse.
I really thought you was getting to the why yourself.
So why are you planting land mines? Do you not feel worthy of your BS? I pray you figure out the why.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dantonnio. I missed your last Sunday update so I've just read these last two posts of yours together.

Somanyyears is spot on - your R clock is now literally *minus* zero because you broke the biggest rule there is in R - You broke No Contact with the AP. That it was you who initiated it is even worse. You now must work out why you did that. I don't want to rub salt into your wounds but you have to understand the gravity of doing this to your wife, just as she was trying to rebuild some trust in you and putting her heart back on the line.


I agree with painfulpast and heartache, if you want any chance of continuing your R now, you are going to have to ask yourself some hard questions and find the answers for your wife and yourself. 'I don't know' won't be good enough this time. You need to be honest with yourself and your wife with those answers Danntonio - nothing less will do. It wasn't a mistake you made - it was a choice and you need to find out why you made it.


If it's true that you only wanted to be friends with OW - you must ask yourself why you would want to be friends with someone that has helped you to destroy your marriage, and with someone that has helped you to hurt your wife so badly?


If it's really that you were missing the OW, be honest about that too - and try to find out what it really was that you were missing. There will be a reason you consciously made the choice to contact the OW Danntonio - you did want something from it - and you have to face that, own it, and tell your wife what it was to have any chance of saving your R now.


Danntonio, I'm really sad this happened because you did seem to be getting it and putting the work in. I do so hope you take the advice people have posted here one more time and just be honest with yourself and your wife about what's happened. Look into yourself and start digging again. You do have the answer. Despite this tough advice, we are all still here for you Danntonio - but you have got to own what you have done before you can try and repair it.



...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
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