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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading your story and I wanted to share a couple of things.

I endured a false R after our 1st S that blew up horribly. We S again and then entered what I thought was true R. My H was remorseful and committed and seemed to grasp that NC was an absolutely deal breaker for me. (so I thought) We talked about the A, about his feelings. He was in IC. We routinely talked about the importance of NC. Why that mattered so much to me. I stressed that if I discovered any broken NC I was done. He looked me in the eye and SWORE there was NC. And I found out in May 2012 that he had called her in January and talked for over an hour. And that every couple of weeks he would text her, they'd have a text exchange for a few minutes.

I was blown away. Devastated. I could not grasp how he could have been lying to me over and over again.

We sat in MC the day after I discovered this. And our MC just HAMMERED him. I thought he was gonna draw blood for a minute. Our MC ended the session by telling JM "Next time you feel like picking up the phone and calling or texting OW, just pick up a baseball bat and start whaling on HF. I guarantee it will hurt her less. Better yet, make it a pool stick." (The pool stick is a reference to something in JM's past that MC/IC knew would get to JM) That statement is what finally reached JM and made him realize how destructive breaking NC was.

Then he joined SI and started posting. He found The Life Boat post and really identified with it. He was posting on here about bailing water as fast as he could, and someone (I think it was FloridaRedMan) told him he had to quit blowing holes in the boat before he could bail water.

Those 2 statements, the one from our MC and the one here, did more to break through to him than a year of seeing my pain. I don't understand it but I am grateful that anything finally did.

So I'm passing them on to you. Quit blowing holes in the boat. And the next time you think about OW at all, imagine taking a baseball bat (or a pool stick) and beating your wife with it. It would hurt her less. Choose to stop hurting your wife. The way to stop hurting her is to stop hurting her. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain. Live intentionally. Quit bouncing around like an impulse with skin.

You can do this. I believe you truly want to. So choose from this day forward to quit dwelling in that "I'm just a f***-up" mode and determine to be the authentic person you can be.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2660 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio…
I think the thing you need to do here is get honest about why you contacted her. What made it ok? What were you really looking for? Dig deeper.
My guess is that R is hard, you were getting no real assurance from your wife that all of your effort would even result in getting back together, and you were miserable, afraid and feeling pretty horrible about yourself. So you reverted to getting an ego boost from the OW. I don't doubt you had no intention of getting back together with her, or doing anything with her, but I do think you likely use her to feel good about yourself / wanted to see if she was still pining.
All of the things you say about your wife are nice I suppose, and all of the gestures towards reconciliation look ok on the surface. But if you don't figure YOU out, they are meaningless.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone and thank you.

I am going to figure this out. I agree I need to look deeper into my behaviour. My posts in here have been genuine....I am not trying to fool anyone. I need some help I am not getting and I need to answer all of those questions. I am not giving up on this. I am going to prove that to my BW...you and ME.... Sometimes it seems there are no simple answers to questions as to why people do things. It is very difficult... I am sorry,

Thank you everyone...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help I am not getting

Danntonio, what's happening with your IC? Do you trust in their ability to help you? Do they ask you the hard questions? Are you being honest with them?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not getting IC.... Although I am going to ask for it again. I was just following the advice of the counselor... One day she just said that we should move on to couples counseling. No I dont think she asks any hard questions. I am going to go see her or someone else in addition to the couples counseling.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio, is there a chance you can get a different counselor this time? It doesn't sound like that one was the right one for you. You breaking NC shows that you do still have issues that you need to face and work on. So if you can you do need to get back into individual counseling. There is no point just moving onto couples counseling if you haven't addressed your own issues first. If the counselor you were seeing is not going to get you to dig deeper into your own issues then you are just wasting your time if you go back to her.


How is your wife? Is she still prepared to go the couples counseling with you? Is the couples counselor you are seeing a different person to the counselor you saw for IC?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently here, I wonder why you would contact OW and then blame her when she told your BW. You are clearly very angry with her for telling, when the real problem is you reaching out to her. Also, you must have reached out at least a week ago for her to ask for a meeting, and then package some things up and mail them. Why weren’t you honest about that?

I think you really want to do the right thing but you’re having a hard time being honest with yourself about what it is you’re really doing, and what you’re after.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1761 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi...thanks, I gree...I need to see someone else perhaps or go back to IC. I am not happy with myself at all. I can go to all the counselors I want as its through an employer provided service. I have been trying to search for answers to some of the completely stupid decisions I have made and trying to figure it out as well. There have been changes I have made....however there is something deeper than that I need to get to. Whatever I said in anger in that last post should be more directed at me and my behaviour. Nobody else.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio,
I just want to follow up and say again, don't let yourself get caught up in the "Oh, I'm such a f***-up and can't do anything right" trap.

You have everything within yourself to walk through this and be a better man. Not because your W deserves it, although she probably does. But because it is worth it to be a person of integrity.

You have the power to choose your behavior. You cannot necessarily control the first thought. You may have a fleeting thought about OW, or about the A. That's fine. It's going to happen. What you do with that thought...that's completely up to you. You can treat it like a horribly toxic, disease ridden nasty parasitic animal and dump it immediately. Or you can make a pet out of it, caress it, nurture it and watch it grow.

Next time OW crosses your mind, think about hitting your W with a baseball bat. Then choose another action. Tell your W you love her. Call an accountability partner. Call a counselor. A pastor. A priest. Call a freaking psychic hotline for crying out loud.

You can change.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2660 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone... I miss writing to you .. Update on me and my life....

The last time I wrote I had made a huge mistake and had contact with the OW via email... and that was a completely STUPID thing to do... I know that...I was very naive in thinking that would be okay if it was just normal talk. MISTAKE.... Bad Judgment .... and completely wrong. There are a million people in the world to talk with...I dont need that.

So....I have continued counselling on a personal level....I am home with my beautiful wife..... We are together...and I love her. She bought me a beautiful new wedding band for Christmas... We are going away to Dominican Republic in a few weeks. We have put our house for sale and are moving to the coast.... We seemed to have refreshed our lives and our life together...

I wanted everyone to know that I have not failed....and have tried to make my marriage the best it can be...and I will continue that. There is no secrets...no messages...no emails.... that my wife does not know about or anything....its not right and I am a better man and feel good about what I am doing....

I didnt want to write anymore after that fallout late last year....I didnt want to come on here and whine or whatever...So I waited a while to respond to this forum to give some credibility to what I am saying......

Thank you..... so much


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to see this update Danntonio. I had wondered how you were doing after last years resuming of contact with the OW and then us not hearing from you again. So it's nice to see that you didn't fall back into the affair behaviour completely, but instead, stopped, regrouped and carried on in IC.

I hope you continue on the path you are currently on - especially working on yourself to understand the gravity of your choice to break no contact last year, why you chose to do that, and what led you to the affair in the first place. This takes a lot of digging to get below the surface answers and it's not easy - but it's going to be worth it to you in the end if you can persevere and dig really deep for the answers.

It's good news that your wife is giving you another chance at R - and that is a very precious gift you have been given there - I hope you appreciate how lucky you've been.

Anyway it's good to see you come back, especially with such a positive post, so keep on doing the work, and have a nice holiday with your wife.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Danntonio,

I have not posted on this thread before today, but i have followed your story (thread) from the beginning.

It has been several months since I posted on the forum myself, and over that period of time you were one of the "souls" on the forum that I thought about periodically. I think it's the strangest coincidence that we have both returned to the forum at the same time.

I am so pleased that reconciliation is happening for you and your wife. I could sense your pain ,and much of the situation that you and your wife found yourselves in mirrored the situation between my fWH and I. My fWH's responses after D'day echoed so closely the thoughts and feelings that you posted here. Your posts helped me to gain some empathy for my fWH and gave me a small measure of compassion when I needed it the most.

I will be sending good thoughts your way.

[This message edited by toughernow at 12:08 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..that's great news Danntonio..

..all the best to you and your wife.

..good luck on the sale of your house and enjoy your trip to the DR.. our son and his fiance are there 'right now'!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello there and thank you for reading and responding....

sinsofthefather: Hey there....thanks for following.. I really didnt want to post here until I was sure what path I/we was/were on.... I feel so much better and my wife does too.... Although we still have times that come up that bring her down...I am really trying to help her...and us.. There has been absolutely no comm with anybody that could harm my efforts...and the I really feel good with that....There is nothing in my mind to sway me.... I want to live the life as a Better Man...a good person with the woman I love..

toughernow: Hi there...I am glad my life events have helped you...I have tried to repair myself, my wife and us after that head-on collision. I really have a a woman I love and I do not want to lose her. Shame on me for taking our life for granted.... I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to return to that.... I can finally look myself in the mirror and say that I am doing good things...that I am not doing anything to hurt my wife and our family.... It took a long time for me to do that... I have so much to make up for....but as Sinsofthefather said, A chance at R is such a precious gift.... I am so thankful, Thank you toughernow.... I hope things work well for you and yours... What a tough road it is....

somanyyears: Hey thank you so much ! We are leaving for Dom Rep in a couple weeks now.... It will be so nice after such a cold and yucky winter..... I have a good friend from work helping me with some quick house renos...and then hopefully, someone will buy our house and .... then the pacific coast.... yay... I just want my life with my wife.... From the mess I made, that would be more than enough...

Thank you everyone... I mean it... I hope you are all well and happy...

D


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Topic Posts: 154
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