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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just one suggestion: change your phone number. It was a huge issue for me that WH refused to do it, saying he'd had that number for x years and everyone knew it, it was also for work, blah, blah. Result was MOW bombarded him with texts and calls. And he wouldn't do it for me. His phone number was more important to him than me or our marriage.

Is there some reason why you can't change the number?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UKgirl

Over that past few days...I agree. I have been receiving texts from the OW "oh I miss you...call me"why wont you talk with me?" etc. I deleted at first out of anger then showed my BS. I told her I am not talking with her at all and it was apparent by the text. My BS said "I know you have not been emailing her as she has been emailing me about how much this was my fault" I thought...oh man...this person is delusional and manipulative...she is trying to undermine what I am doing to save my marriage... so I can be with her..... I told my BS that....I told her I thought that is exactly what she is doing....causing more stress between us while writing me "I miss you notes". I told my BS that I want nothing to do with her at all. Any suggestions or comments?

On another hand...today was a hard day...as my BW as me pointed questions about who what where when why......very hard.....I told her things that made her so unhappy...but what am I going to do? I cant hide now...I can only try to improve and make sure I change....to help her an my marriage..... OMG...its so hard...and I love my wife so much...I am so sorry...I am .. I am


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW....I had "thought" I thought had a written a NC letter when I told her "NO....I have no support to you...I have only my support for my wife and family"


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the OW is still texting and emailing, the way forward is to hand write a no contact letter, to change your phone number and to block her on your emails. You deal with her at work and you keep her out of your life at all other times.

The no contact letter could be something like this:

Dear OW,

I am writing to reiterate that any relationship we had is over. What I did was selfish, thoughtless and cruel and I acted in a way I didn’t think I was capable of. It is the biggest regret and mistake of my life and has caused a great deal of pain to my wife, who I love dearly.

I want to work on my marriage and, in order to do so, any future interaction with you will be on a purely professional level. I will not respond to texts or emails that are of a personal nature. I am in the process of changing my personal phone number and email address so there is no point in trying to contact me in that way. I am sharing all information with my wife.

Please respect my wish that you do not contact me. I would also request that you do not contact my wife as she has no wish to receive any further emails from you.

Danntonio

Any letter you write should be shared with your BW and that she agrees with the content. Telling the OW obviously hasn’t been enough. When you give her the letter, tell her this is the last time you will mention the affair.

You have been given excellent advice and you are matching your words with actions. But these are very early days. Be prepared for anything. Good luck to you both.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you or your BS thought about contacting the OW's BS? I would bet that their marriage isn't as open as she says it is.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3350 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UKgirl and sparkysable

Thanks for that letter..I will use it as a template. Thank you.

Oh there marriage is not as open...but at the beginning HE told me it was... so I don't know...I have no concern for them whatsoever. All of my support and concern is for my BW and trying to fix the mess I created. She went to her first counseling session today...and said it was helped to go. She also made another appt. a couple weeks from now.

Thanks so much !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone.. I have been spending a lot of time with my BW....non pressure time...doing our renos...having supper....But I am still staying at my mom and dads house. She went to see the counselor the other day... She said it was good. I really am trying to me positive with her.... I hug her and tell her I love her a few times throughout the day...to let her know.. I let her know I am so sorry for creating this mess. I tell her I love her. I am not putting any pressure on her....just being around her and doing positive things around the house. I love her so much and I have made such a ugly mistake. I will never forget the pain I put her through.

Thanks everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a comment/suggestion....
the next time that OW emails your wife, have your wife reply with a "do not contact me again or I will take legal action against you for harassment" response.
If/when OW emails/texts you about personal matters...ignore it and inform your wife. If OW doesn't just stop on her own after a bit, then speak to a L about your options.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe2016 Thanks so much for the advice..I will consider that...I dont want to create anymore mind you...I just want that aspect to disappear.

Legal Action.... my employer would defn step in to say stop with the harassment. I think....

I have made such a mess of my BW's life and mine... I am determined to make amends...I am. I hope I can. I love you so much .... I will feel the pain I caused you for the rest of my life..and make sure you know I love you and respect you forever..

Thanks so much everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all..just an update...I have been staying at my dad/sisters house for a couple weeks.....and going home everyday to be with my BW...we do working around the house and talk...I hold her and tell her I am going to make things better. We both have counselor sessions coming up in the next few weeks.....thats good...I want my wife back so bad.....I do....what a terrible stupid situation I have led us into.....

Thanks for all your help


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone.... I just want to update what is happening in my situation. I have been spending every minute of my time at my house with my BW (even though I am staying at my dad's house). we have been just doing work around the house and things. I asked her a couple days ago if she wanted to go away somewhere. Last night she sent me a message to pick somewhere to go... Montreal, Mexico, etc... So I found a vacation to Disneyland where we were married ..... She was pretty happy and we booked the flight and hotel together tonight. I hope I pray I wish I want this to work...I am so sorry....I have crushed a beautiful girl and I am going to do the best to make things better.

A little light is better than a dark hell....Thank you everyone....really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. My BS and I are off to Disneyland or 5 days today....where we were married a few years ago. I hope this also helps heal the wounds... I really do. She is the one who suggested we go... a good sign....thanks to all : )


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a good sign. Still take things gently and expect the unexpected. I truly hope it is a healing time. Good luck. Check in when you get back and let us know how it went.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad for you too Danntonio. It seems your wife is noticing your ACTIONS - so make sure you keep them up and keep digging for your answers in IC.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story is one I am keeping track of. It is nice to see someone other than my WH is making great effort to win back their life. You are included in my prayers for R success. Keep on posting


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.... I wanted to give an update. I am a WS....trying to help my BW and our marriage survive after a 10 month affair with a co-worker.

We went to Disneyland and it was awkward at first. I reserved a room with 2 queen beds...and I took one and she the other....in the morning....by the morning...we were together in one..... the trip was really good and it was like none of this had ever happened at all.....and it was so comfortable after a while....it was Disney..and a dream....
However, when the plane touched back down home....I could feel the change...and when we got home....the kisses had turned to cheeks and hugs...and she told me...."its not like we are in Disney anymore...its here and this house and what you have done that hits home".... So I am at my sisters tonight.......
I did go to another round of counseling today...and she had one lined up as well..... I really hope to make her life .....like it was in on holidays.....I am so lucky she gave us the chance to see how we can be......I feel so terrible for hurting such a beautiful woman....I am sorry..

Thanks everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sinsofthefather and 5674emt

I am trying.....I appreciate your feedback... I wish you all well too.... This is a tough road... The counselor told me..."unfortunately the toughest part is now for your BW....to work through"

Thanks all...really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h and I went on a vacation back in April. It was a nice break, a respite from the real world.

The one thing that was shocking to me on our return was that it all seemed even more painful to me.

It was if the pain everyday became "normal". Then to have a break and come back to all of the reminders, the triggers it felt worse. As if I had forgotten how bad it hurt in the fantasy of vacation and then having to face reality all over again.

That thought/feeling of "oh my God, this is real, this is my life, this really happened".

It was a worse struggle for a while after. Just thought it might help you be prepared if she is feeling worse.

My h expected me to feel better and was disappointed when I seemed worse. And that made it worse for me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantaccept <<<<< thanks

That is exactly what it looked like to me.....my BW totally went into a dismal state when returning home....I asked her a couple weeks ago if she would like to go away...and she said yes, a few days later..."book something fun" so I did....I never thought of what would happen once we got home. We had a great time...and yes, reality set in just as the plane landed....I guess she and I were both hoping it would help...and it did for a short time...... I am trying...whatever it takes...I am...

I love you and I am so sorry for doing something so terrible to you...I am I am I am...so sorry.. I hope I can make it better for us...I do


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing really well and working hard Danntonio.

We went on a cruise with my family about 3 months after d-day. It was wonderful and I relaxed. I still hurt and triggered but for that week I was distracted by pleasant things and able to connect to my husband.
When we returned? UGH. Despair. It was like flying back to hell and the reminders were everywhere. It was worse than when we left.
Don't lose hope. Just keep being strong for her, and accountable and kind. This unfortunately takes time. But every single time you do the right thing, provide honesty and comfort, you are reestablishing the bond. It can get better. Believe it will and help her believe it too.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44718 | Registered: Sep 2006
Topic Posts: 154
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