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Newest Member: SoLostStillNumb (44248)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did your remorseless WS turn around when it was too late?
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhantomLimb
I think it's a shame. I think it's a waste. But I would be unable to R.

That's why I asked the question. I've been sort of objectively fascinated by how much the 180 made me do a 180!


I agree-it's a crying shame. I've loved him a long time we had a mostly amazing marriage and life. He's been my constant companion for 18 years! That is very hard to let go of.
I think me doing the 180 (when I could) just made him feel more desperate and like he would never be able to make me happy.
Idk...it's all such a ridiculous mess. Knowing he is NC with her but yet he still won't get his family back. I feel somewhat bad for that because I am not doing this to be vengeful. He said he's willing to let me go if that's what it takes for me to get better. But in a lot of ways that sounds like a cop out too.
*sigh*

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 4:43 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, nearly Exh said something similar several times about "letting me go" and I agree on the cop-out theory.

His line was, "all I do is cause you pain", but he would never talk about possible reasons or sources or change his own behavior!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I got: "you don't deserve this, go find someone better than me" and "I can't let you save me" and a variety of other things.

I kept asking him "why don't *I* get to make the decision of what's best for me?" and "well, why don't you want to be someone that deserves me?"

No answer.


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has invited me on a few occasions to attempt to win him back. But my bitter self is living in the past and has too much pride to do that...if you ask my Ex that is.

Ex isn't capable of feeling remorse or showing appropriate and normal emotions. Bascially, he can't FAKE it or MAKE it.

I have learned to not ever expect anything that is even close to how a functional person would respond. Since his assbackwards attempt at reconciliation would never work at this point, it's too little too late.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 1:14 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, nearly Exh said something similar several times about "letting me go" and I agree on the cop-out theory.

Well for me this did end up being a cop out...he told me the past 2 weeks that he was done with her no matter what-if we D or not. After him pressuring me to decide I decided to file-and we talked about working on ourselves and seeing where we are in a year or two, if we could work things out.
Wasn't even a day before he was texting her and babysitting her kid. WTF.
He couldn't even wait a few more days to know whether I actually filed or not-I've been known to change my mind!
So maybe the whole "I don't know if I can do it." really means "I don't know if it's worth it."
So yeah, talking to her again was a clear indication that he is not strong enough to work on himself without someone helping him.
I refuse to be that person anymore. Good luck to her.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear god no. In fact, I'm pretty sure that nearly 2 years post D I'm still responsible for all bad things that happen to him in his life.

Same here. And,
I would not take him back if he were the last man on earth.
According to him it is my fault anytime anything bad happens anywhere.


Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My #1 reason for initiating NC with my WS after DDay #2 was because it was the first time I saw him slipping into that pattern of blaming me. Within a week he went from owning the A and taking his punches (I was pretty angry, naturally) to turning the tables on me and beginning to blame me for his finances, problems at work, etc etc.

I was willing to entertain that crap for about .2 seconds. I just told him that I wanted him to know that he was being heard and that I recognized he believed that the things he was saying were true on some level-- but the time to talk to me about this stuff was BEFORE he had the A. Not after. And I told him I refused to participate in letting him rewrite the relationship.

He still did it/is doing it, I'm sure. But, as one of my friends pointed out to me, the sooner I was out of the picture, the sooner he had to face that he's responsible for his own actions.


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
josie11
♀ Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He still does not fully face me now, almost two years later and what I understand from IC and others is that it's a show of intense cowardice.

I was told this by my IC, too. He said that XWH must feel so guilty about what he did, breaking up our family after more than 24 years together, that he cannot look me in the eye. Ever. He still cannot face me.

It's been four years since D-Day for me. He went "poof" very shortly afterward, and we haven't spoken since.

I would appreciate an apology, especially since I had done nothing wrong, and had no idea he was capable of lying and cheating the way he did. I thought he was a good person. He gave me no signs of deceit or discontent.

One day before I die, I'd like to hear him admit that he did wrong, and apologize to me for throwing me away like a piece of trash.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 386 | Registered: Mar 2011
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to him it is my fault anytime anything bad happens anywhere.

Seems impossible Will get by as *I* am personally responsible for the world's genocide, hunger, global warming, and the bank crash (to name a few). I think I also kick puppies and steal children's candy.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15240 | Registered: Jun 2006
Topic Posts: 29
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