Have you done any premarital counseling?
I agree with dck. Premarital counseling is a good thing.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
Then you just leap.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
SO has shown me time after time who he is and that he wants to be in my life. You have to trust him. He is not XH. Perhaps it would help to reflect back on your relationship with SO and see all of the times he has stood by you. Turn to him and work through this together. Also, use your premarital counseling with the church to help and guide you.
Also, recognizing that trust is a choice. That you can choose to trust this man, because he does what he says he will do, etc. And that if somehow he violates that trust, that is about him, but not about you. You did the wonderful thing of being willing to connect to another human being in a vulnerable way, and that is how we grow. It is always a risk, but what a wonderful gift you have given yourself that you are willing to do it, even after you have suffered before. It is that connection with others, only possible with that kind of vulnerability, that gives life meaning, in my opinion. Good for you for living fully, and not avoiding because you are afraid. Maybe you will be hurt, maybe not -- probably at some point it will hurt a little, cause that's life -- but you LIVED because you CHOSE TO.
You can't think clearly in panic mode. It's just too much static in the nervous system. It is wise to turn to the relationship and ask for reassurance, but at some point you yourself have to get to the root of your panic and change those core thoughts.
Yes your relationship will end at some point. It is a fact. Even if its perfect there is always death that no one can escape. At some point we make the leap of faith that experiencing a loving connection is worth the inevitable pain of separation.
[This message edited by InnerLight at 1:27 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]
But you also know that you survived before, and went on to find happiness again. So you just need to focus on knowing you will be okay NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Easier said than done, but it really is just that in the end.
Beautifully said. It isn't him you need to trust - it's trusting that YOU will be okay no matter what. You can't control what may or may not happen, nor can you control what he may or may not do. You CAN control your choices. Have faith and trust in yourself. And yes, I agree with cmego and Innerlight that it's also a leap of faith.
Can you find someone to talk to about this? A counselor would be a lot of help in giving you some coping and relaxation strategies.
1. You go ahead with the marriage. You take a leap of faith (but remember you have already worked thru issues with this man, and he has been there for you and worked with you and hasn't given you any real reasons from everything you've posted about him in the past couple years to doubt him.)
2. You call it off, and spend the rest of your life scared to go after things that are important to you because of something ONE STUPID MAN did.
All men aren't the same. Just like all women aren't the same. There isn't anything you've written about him that sets off any red flags and so although these pre-wedding jitters are normal and understandable....you need to use your higher reasoning here. The others have given good advice. Nothing is 100% certain, and you will experience more hurt in your life, whether from him or other family or friends. Hurt is inevitable. But you've already shown you can handle it. It isn't fun, but you will survive it.
Don't make this one pay for the mistakes of the other one. Counseling really can help with the PTSD, but you can also think this through and make the decision that you are not going to chase him away and be miserable because of the other one.....
How much time are you letting this wedding occupy our mind? Is there an activity that can give you a break? You've gotten some great advice already, but I think you need a break in the planning and thoughts of planning. Find something fun to do with your fiancé.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers, sweet girl.
We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."
I have been telling myself for the past 3 and 1/2 yrs that SO and I have been together that since he has made me no promises (vows) then if he strays hey he did not break any promises with me so no biggie. The vows themselves are sacred to me and the breaking of them has almost broken me. Even though I was not the one who cheated I have always felt guilty about the divorce because I am the one who filed and initiated the divorce. Now that we are about to take vows together it has taken on a whole new meaning to me and it was freaking me out. But like I said I am feeling better, I have identified the source of this fear and I am going to take this head on. Thanks again, I will keep you guys updated.
This should be a joyous time for you. There are so few truly happy moments in our lives....don't let the fear and uncertainty taint it. Nothing lasts forever, truly, not joy nor pain, so when you get the joy, revel in it and when the pain comes, know it is just a passing thing.
No one can make a guarantee or a promise about what will happen in the future. The vows were sacred to me also, but when they are broken, I remember the person that broke them was just human, fallible, and not worth ruining the rest of my life over.
I really want to see you get excited and happy over your upcoming special day. You are allowed some happiness. Take it. No one can promise how long it will last, but you can always have the memory of the happiness to tide you over the times of sadness we all have to go thru..... (((hugs)))