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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: rugsweeping or healthy dismissal of negative thoughts??
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh and I had date night last night. Over all it was great. There were a few momentary thoughts of HER that crept into my mind. I managed to dismiss them though and have a good time. I cried for a minute but managed to get it under control. He was nothing but supportive and sorry that I was upset. He did everything right in those moments to make me feel better. But.....

How does one deal with these issues as they creep up? Some things are just momentary thoughts that you shouldn't dwell on but others are issues that need to be addressed and worked on. How do you tell the difference? How do you know if you are rug sweeping or just dismissing negative thoughts? I don't want to obsess about the A or (slut whore bitch)OW (sorry, thats her given name.) and I don't want to stick my head in the sand and ignore things either. Having my head up my ass and living in denial has been my MO for most of my life so this is a struggle for me!
Any input or observations would be much appreciated!


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no expert, but I believe that as long as you regularly sit down and talk about the issues that are cropping up and as long as you find a way to regularly vent the anger and express the sadness, then it is perfectly fine and healthy to dismiss negative thoughts at times when they intrude on happy moments.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 962 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Date nights are so important but no so important that you bottle up your pain. I am glad you had a great time.

At first and for most of the first year my filter was turned off. If I had a thought it was expressed. If I struggled I talked about it. Its not just about the immediate relief of the pain, it is also about building the intimacy of turning to each other for support.

There does come a point where it becomes counter productive. I probably went way past that point but that was my process. Now I do try to filter it a little bit more. What I use to filter it is duration and frequency.

Duration- If the thoughts linger or spiral for more than 2-3 minutes I express them.

Frequency- If I find myself going beck to the same thoughts more than 2-3 times in a few hours I express them.

I think the bigger issue is how they are expressed. Not letting them bottle up help keeping them from exploding in a hurtful way.

There is no cut and dry answer for handling thoughts. It will change over time. Keep an eye on if expressing them makes you feel better or worse.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2580 | Registered: Aug 2012
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duration- If the thoughts linger or spiral for more than 2-3 minutes I express them.

Frequency- If I find myself going beck to the same thoughts more than 2-3 times in a few hours I express them.

I like this. If you can't "let it go" it's probably because something is there. If I try to dismiss the thought and it goes away then it probably isn't something that I should dwell on. It wouldn't be constuctive and just cause undue pain.
Or something like that. maybe, I don't know! lol.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said, balance is pretty important. I actually find that good, sweet moments are the triggery times for me, so I'm often faced with the prospect of holding back to "save" the good times or letting the negative emotions reign. At my point in the journey, I'm moving away from negativity. I'm turning inward to heal individually. I still talk to WH about negative stuff, but I'm also making choices to live more positively regardless of infidelity or its presence in my life. In the early days - and I think you're close to d-day? - I would err on the side of putting the negative emotions out there as they happen, or after you've determined the negativity is more than a "flash" (as someone else said, lasts more than a few minutes). Also, since you say you've been more likely to deny in the past, I'd be more careful than the typical person - i.e. don't avoid unless you really, really have to/need to.

The other thing to point out is that bringing up the negative doesn't always ruin the good time. Sometimes it is a simple blip in otherwise good night - or it can actually encourage/deepen the positive by giving him an opportunity to step up to the plate and respond lovingly to your concerns, mind movies, triggers, whatever.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with Chicho. For the first 6 months I had no filter. Everything came out. I couldn't help it, didn't want to stop myself. I was so hurt, and he desperately wanted R, i thought that nothing short of complete honesty was going to help us heal. We had such a dysfunctional M before DDay where nothing was said, nothing was expressed that I just wanted to try something different.

With time the triggers have become fewer and further between. I still share most of them, usually on the spot. I agree that occurrence and length of trigger affects my decision to share at this point also.

It's become a great conduit for intimacy for us. He shares with me more often and I share pretty much everything with him, good and bad.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I was a wreck for most of the first 3 months after D-Day, even on dates.

Since you say, I think, that your MO is to stuff your thoughts and feelings, it might be a good idea to talk except when you definitely don't want to. It sounds like your H is committed, so he'll be able to accept you even if you go a little overboard.

As you go forward, you'll have to learn what's best for you by trial and error - but if you don't tell your H how you feel, he won't know.... That goes both ways, so he needs to tell you how he feels, too.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the responses. We talked today-he explained that he was hurt that I was "down" after our date night. He was on a high from it and didn't understand why I wasn't. I explained to him that I did have a great time but that I guess I don't trust it yet. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop-afraid that the opening myself up to the good stuff is just going to set me up to get hurt again. I need to try and let that go and be more in the moment.

We actually have had better communication and conversations since Dday and he will answer all my questions and talk about the hard stuff. I talk to him about my feelings when before I didn't. I don't want all our conversations to be of a serious/heavy nature but when we share some time that is light hearted or fun part of me starts to think that I am letting him off too lightly. I have to try and find that balance.

[This message edited by canteat at 5:21 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been obsessing sometimes lately. Our MC says that's a concrete and "safe" way of dealing with pain, and encourages me to go ahead and feel the pain and go with the emotions as they happen. Instead of obsessing, I'm trying to just feel the depth of hurt and devastation that this has caused. It's really, really hard to do, but in the long run it does feel better - it makes the situation about me and my feelings rather than about them and their actions.

Hence, my username.

It is SO hard to get through this.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked today-he explained that he was hurt that I was "down" after our date night. He was on a high from it and didn't understand why I wasn't. I explained to him that I did have a great time but that I guess I don't trust it yet. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop-afraid that the opening myself up to the good stuff is just going to set me up to get hurt again. I need to try and let that go and be more in the moment.

That's the ticket. Really. Now when you can do that while shoveling snow or raking the yard you will know that you are communicating in an effective, compassionate and most importantly comfortable fashion.

Keep rocking the communication. I think there is a mis-conception out there the good communication somehow is not painful or even relives pain. It doesn't. It just expresses it effectively.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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