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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What am I doing wrong?
Cyzygy
♀ New Member
Member # 39437
What?  Posted: 1:22 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is doing everything I've asked with no hesitation. There has been no contact and he's an open book. We're in counseling and he's doing everything possible to reassure me.

Things should be great but I'm just not feelin' it. I don't know as I'll ever get over this. I don't know if forgiveness is even an option. The anger is SO great. I didn't think I was even capable of this much anger.

I can't even look at him without hatred and disgust. I just want him out of my life. At what point do you just say forget it?


Me: 37, BS
Him: 39, WH
Married: 6 years, together for 9 years
2 boys, ages 3 & 4, he has a 15yo we never see
DDay: 5/21/13 (OW is a coworker at Walmart...he quit on Dday.)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Columbus, OH
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him. Tell him everything you wrote here. And more.

I raged for two whole months. Every night we would put the kids to bed, wait till they were asleep, close our door and I would let him have it. I tore him a new asshole every night, pretty much. We discussed every little thing about his A that made me sad or angry, and mostly for those 2 months I was angry. It was not character assassination, it was about my feelings in the aftermath of DDay.

He took it, and held me afterwards and apologized for his A. I also beat the bed on occasion. At one point i was so full of rage I woke up with the idea that I should go out into the woods with a hammer and decimate a tree, something I'd done and found helpful during CSA therapy years earlier (I didn't because I would have had to do it alone that day). One of the last times I raged at him I actually hit him, repeatedly, with a pillow.

All this to say that anger is normal, keeping in mind anger masks sadness. I truly believe in "putting it where it belongs" meaning directing most, if not all of it (sadness, frustration, anger, dissapointment, hurt, ect) to the person who created it. We were also in MC and I was in IC. fWH went into IC at about 7 months in.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm a little sad, but mostly I accept what happened. The other 8 months have been relatively peaceful, full of difficult conversations, intense emotions, therapy, reading and SI, but the rage has passed, I believe because I expressed it.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Knowing, the only way to get past the anger is to work through it and share it with your WH. If you try to stuff it down or pretend it isn't there, it will just rear its head somewhere else. You have a right to every single feeling that comes up for you. Finding a direct and constructive way to express your anger (and I agree that it is a cover up emotion for other things like sadness, betrayal, etc.) is the challenge. IC was a great help for that for me.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are two months out from dday. What you are feeling is completely normal. You will go through many stages..grief,anger,happiness,etc..and you will most likely go though these stages several times before your emotional roller coaster evens out..which can take a long time.

Stop worrying about forgiveness. That is something earned,over a long period of time. If at all.

I hit the rage phase at 5-6 months out. Once the shock wore off I was MAD. It lasted several months..and still shows up on occasion.

Anger is normal. It is a healthy reaction to betrayal. Tell him how you feel. All of it. Don't try to hold it in,it will eat you alive. If he is remorseful..if he "gets it"..he will understand your anger,and the need to get it out.

Even if he is doing everything he should be,you are going to be angry and sad and disgusted. Don't beat yourself up about it. You have been traumatized by his betrayal. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. You have to feel it to heal it.

Again..you are doing nothing wrong.You're mad and sad that your WH cheated on you. Absolutely normal.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7503 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things should be great but I'm just not feelin' it.

Nah, they shouldn't be great or at least they don't have to be. The dude decimated you and your M. Being perfect for a few months afterwards does not erase that. No matter how awesome he is being, you have every right (and need) to feel sad, hurt, and angry. It's normal and it's "right" and it is part of the process.


At what point do you just say forget it?

That's your call, of course. but with a remorseful spouse, most people give it some time. Because you're going to feel angry no matter what. Removing him from the situation might ease it a bit, but it doesn't erase it. You may think it will - if he's your biggest trigger - but there'll be other triggers coming along to replace it (a trigger for some is an absent spouse). You're going to have to deal with these emotions single or married. With an unremorseful spouse, the pain becomes worse and the "forget it" is often recommended earlier.

How much space are you taking from him? As Knowing said, I went through a phase where it was discussions every.single.night. Immersing myself in the pain and anger. That's helpful. You know what else is helpful? Telling him to STFU (even with his remorseful niceties) and leave you alone. Going for a long walk. Shutting the door. Sleeping in a different room. Skipping date or discussion nights in favor of girls' nights/yoga or gym nights/spa night/solo movie night. It is important to address the anger, but it is also important to take a break and ignore the anger in favor of a few positive hours. That isn't rugsweeping, it's just tending to emotional health. And it might give you a better foundation from which to address the anger.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:03 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not doing anything wrong. For the vast majority of us, life is excruciating at 2 months out. Recovery takes a whole lot longer than anyone thinks it should, even with an 'ideal' WS.

No matter where you end up, the pain is gigantic, and it's part of your life.

At this point, IMO, your best bet is to work on feeling and processing the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed. When you think of staying or going, fuggedaboutit for a while - I didn't commit to R for 3 months, and that was probably too early.

Focus on processing your pain. Once you've healed some, your thinking will be a lot clearer, ad you can make your decision then.

Have you considered IC? IC can help both with processing your pain and with making the best decision for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be gentle on yourself. You are two months out. Of course things aren't going to feel great!!! Your marriage had a bomb dropped on it and it was blown to pieces. You can't rebuild in two months.

You have to work *through* the stages of grief. And you will cycle through each step more than once. Its absolutely normal to feel anger, rage, disgust at this stage, at any stage even a year from now at times.

You don't just move on because he's doing all the right things. Not with this level of betrayal.

Communicate that anger. Tell him you're pissed off. And let him know he has to help fix what he broke.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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