Do you think that this marriage still can be saved? By the way , I have just learned who the other woman is. I have been contemplating confronting her but I don't know if it is a good idea or not. I know not much about the truth since my WH doesn't want to talk about the details and if I insists he just makes up more lies.
Don't confront the OW. She will lie. It will only hurt you more. Your WH is ultimately your problem..and considering he has no remorse..he's a big problem.
Have you read the 180?
R is HARD work. It is a long,painful process to repair the damage done after an affair. If the WS isn't 150% committed to healing himself,the BS,and the marriage it won't work.
Get your ducks in a row..find your bitch boots..and file for divorce. You deserve more than the crumbs he is offering you. Actually,he isn't even offering you crumbs. Staying in a marriage with this man will destroy you.
Im so sorry.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:17 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The OW was my friend and I have yet to talk to her. I am cool, indifferent, when I see her in a store, restaurant,etc. She is not worthy of a conversation with me.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:18 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
As to whether your marriage can be saved, unless his attitude improves, I have my doubt's.
Sorry you have to be here...
What do you want?
If you want the truth, then ask for it. Do you want details? Ask for an A (affair) timeline. Do you want a better marriage? Go into MC (marriage counselling) and get IC (individual counselling) for both of you.
Do you want to recover and heal from his betrayal? Both of you should read books about healing from infidelity. Do you wish you could tell him how you feel? Then tell him. Find a safe place and time and tell him. Tell him every day.
We're often afraid to scare them away, or push them away, but a true test of our WS' willingness to R (reconcile) is how willing they are to face the consequences of their A. A sad, hurt, angry spouse is a natural consequence of the selfish choices they've made.
If he is not willing to give you details or you want and an A timeline, in a reasonable amount of time, and/or you feel like he's still lying to you then you could contact his AP (affair partner). Before you do that get some feedback and advice from people here who have done that. It's not an easy thing on many levels.
Whatever you decide you want for your recover from his A and for your continued M get lots of support IRL and here.
We are in R.
It is beneath your dignity.
Also, she obviously could care less about you & your kids, & she is a lier. Don't contaminate yourself.
As far as your WH's behavior, time to do the 180.
confused615 said it all
[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
A marriage can be saved after an affair..but only if both spouses want it saved. And the WS HAS to be FULLY invested and committed. They should be doing all the heavy work to R inn the first few months. If they're not fully committed,it can't work.
You are not his Plan B.
The kids will suffer as they watch their mother being disrespected and hurt repeatedly. If daddy can't/won't respect mommy and stop abusing her..and the kids..with his affair..then they will grow up thinking this is normal...that this is marriage..your son will think this is how to treat his wife..your DD will seek out a man who will treat her the way she has watched her daddy treat her mom.
The fog. That is just a polite way of saying they have their head firmly up their ass. I know it feels as if they've been abducted and replaced with some kind of alien,but no. This is who he is. Can he change? Absolutely. But does he want to? is he willing?
To R after an affair,a WS must be fully transparent..they must give full access to all accounts and cell phone..and passwords. They must be willing to answer all questions without blame and anger. They must be willing to go to IC and MC. They must be an open book. Anything less,and you are setting yourself up for more pain.
You want to R, but... He''s untruthful and unremorseful?
When did you find out? If it''s been less than a month I would keep at it with the straightforward approach for another week, to show him you''re not backing down.
If that doesn''t work then it''s time to put some bitchboots on and do the 180.
[This message edited by Knowing at 8:45 AM, July 28th, 2013 (Sunday)]
This man is offering you nothing. I know..this was the first time he was abusive. There will be another time. And another.
You need to protect yourself..your heart and your body..from this man.
please, whatever you do...listen to your friends on SI..and do not contact the ow. she will lie...and no matter what she says...it wont make you "feel" any better. it wont. dont give her the opportunity to hurt you...and she will. and will relish doing it.
Im sorry if I sounded harsh in my earlier posts. Sometimes I tend to be a little TOO blunt.