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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Overreaction?
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He meets with a psych for depression/anxiety meds, but that's not the same as IC. Right now, he's being weaned off Wellbutrin, the companion to his Zoloft, because the psych thinks the most important thing for his SA is to decrease his libido. Of course, that doesn't help the flattening of his depression and his generally "meh" outlook on life.

An IC would be 45 minutes away from us because that's where the SA ICs are located. He's willing but it's just too far away to make it happen. He wants to have the IC in town with someone less specialized but who is actually reasonable to contact. I get that.

I think the A was "good" for him because he liked the feeling of being in that fantasy. I think he liked the twitterpation. I worry that he'll seek it out again although he says he realizes now that it was a fantasy. That took awhile.

She has been outed, both times, to her husband. After her first A, she was excommunicated from her church. After her second, well, they're still together and I just saw a FB photo (yes, I stalk) of them happily smiling for the camera.

We've both been tested, now, for STDs. We're both clean. He didn't use protection with her OR with the prostitute. He was in complete freefall then, emotionally, because the OW had dropped him!!! So he went off the deep end. I'm not justifying. I think I'm still in shock somewhat that he would endanger me so much.

I really want to save my marriage. There's a good man in there that I'd like to keep. But it's looking more and more like he's not going where I'm going. It feels primarily one-sided. The glimpses of goodness he gives me are what keeps me hoping.

I do go to IC. My therapist doesn't much like him. She's good for me, though. I DO listen to her. She's a godsend, actually, because she's charged me nothing all year long. We changed insurances and she's no longer covered under our new policy, but when all this came out back in Oct/Nov, she said she--as a medical professional--couldn't let me deal with it on my own. So I have that going for me. It makes me feel guilty, but it makes me feel grateful, too.

I'll re-read the 180 stuff. Not sure how to make it work. Afraid to try it. :(

BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, actually, I'm not sure. He's going through some of the motions, but I don't sense a lot of remorse.

This is telling, and TBH, based on your story, I got the feeling that you are not working with a truly remorseful WH. :( I know that sucks to read, but everyone together now: you can't control his actions, behaviors, or thought patterns. If he wants to be an unremorseful jerk, that's what he's going to be. And really.... it's his loss.

She dropped him, so I wonder, sometimes, if he's just working on things with me until someone better comes along again. Maybe all BSes feel that way. I dunno.

You shouldn't feel that way. And guess whose job it is to make sure you don't feel that way, if he wants to bring this M back to life after he murdered it? Your WH's.

One of my requests--in MC--was for him to NEVER bring her up again. If we were to talk about her, only I could bring her up. He generally has a good memory, so . . .

Again, this is very telling. What do his actions here tell you? You brought this up specifically in MC, where we can be fairly certain the MC made sure he got it.

Then he got a chance to tell the story, and weighed your feelings against the external validation to be gotten for everyone enjoying this story at your expense, and he chose the external validation over your feelings. Not okay.

You are absolutely not overreacting. I second (third? fifth?) the recommendations to implement the 180.

I'll re-read the 180 stuff. Not sure how to make it work. Afraid to try it. :(

What are you afraid of?


[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 3:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so, so, so afraid of being alone. I fear that I'll never dare love again. I know that--even if I end up hating him over all this--I'll never stop loving him. It's just who I am. And I'd never let another man touch me. That'd be adulterous. And even if I could get past that huge hurdle, I don't believe I could ever trust another man. This one SOOOO fooled me.

Plus, I don't want my children to embark on this next step of their lives without two parents. I don't want to raise them alone. And if we divorce, no way could I afford to stay in the same place we live now. Our children would never see their dad and that would devastate them. He's not going to win a "Dad of the Year" award anytime soon, but he's a decent dad and they'd miss out on a lot if he wasn't living with them.

Plus, he may not realize it, but divorce would financially devastate us both. I may be poor then (although we've been married a long time and he'd owe me lots of alimony and child support) but he'd be destitute. We can barely make it now.

BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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