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On Sunday evenings, 3 families from church get together (for the past 2 years), have a quick spiritual lesson, a treat, then chat. Tonight, my WS told a lengthy but humorous story about his AP. No one in the group, which included our children, knew who he was talking about, but I did. He was SO incredibly animated while telling the story and he had everyone laughing. Except me. I was fine, though, until he talked about her children and her position as a "rising star" in her company--a company he works with sometimes (which is how they met).

I quietly got up, got my stuff, put it in our car, and walked home. He's home now, but we've said nothing to each other. I know that he doesn't get how hurtful it was to me. The whole time, I just wanted to scream, "Rising star or not, she's a ________ (insert your favorite slur for your WS's mistress)!"

Why would he do that? Is he really that clueless? Did he do it intentionally? Does he still love her? Will he ever be over her? Am I over-reacting? Is it wrong to ask him to never bring that story up around me again? Or anything alluding to his time with her?

Please help! I'm shaking because I know there will be a confrontation, and I'm not emotionally ready/prepared for it.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 9:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

BTW, here's my story:

FBW: 48

FWH: 45

M: 22 yrs

TT: Nov 12-Jan 13

DD: 19

DD: 17

DS: 15

DS: 13

You are not overreacting. That was very insensitive.

Thanks! I wondered if I was being a hysterical female. Sometimes, this situation makes me feel like I am. Usually, drama is not my style, but this whole mess has thrown me so far off my ability to judge the rightness or the wrongness of a situation. :(

you know, he was a jerk for doing that. he just was. i mean....for him to be telling ANY story about his ap to you or anyone else....is just foul. you are NOT overreating...at all. i think you need to tell him how you feel. i really do.

it is so very insensitive for him to do that!!!

No one there KNEW it was a story about the OW (no one knows he's a WS). So part of him must've thought it was OK. And he didn't intentionally start talking about her. He was talking about a particular trip and one part of the story led to a question about the part that included her. I could handle all that--as much as I'll tell him he needs to not talk about the lead-up part around me again so the inevitable part 2 doesn't happen--but I couldn't handle the compliments. She's a skank. It was his first affair after 21 years of marriage; it was at least her second after only 5 or 6 years. When my WS and I married, she was 10. Disgusting.

*jaw drop*

I would have been livid. That is more that just insensitive.

Wow, just...wow. are you sure you're in true R?

No, actually, I'm not sure. He's going through some of the motions, but I don't sense a lot of remorse. She dropped him, so I wonder, sometimes, if he's just working on things with me until someone better comes along again. Maybe all BSes feel that way. I dunno. Of course, after 20+ years, I love him and am willing to forgive and try to forget (let's be real, though--like that last part'll ever happen). One of my requests--in MC--was for him to NEVER bring her up again. If we were to talk about her, only I could bring her up. He generally has a good memory, so . . .

Thanks! I wondered if I was being a hysterical female.

No, it was a jerk move. He sounds more than a little narcissistic. Sorry this happened to you.

You are not overreacting.

His story did not have to include her. Was he on the witness stand in court? No, he was at a CHURCH related event, choosing the story HIMSELF. He knew you would not say anything. He knew he could go on and on and on.

And your asked him in mc never to bring her up?

I think your reaction was classy and controlled. There's nothing wrong with YOUR ability to judge the rightness of a situation.

Thanks, y'all. You gave me the courage to confront him about it. It went better than I expected and I was more calm than he probably expected.

Truthfully and unfortunately, he IS a narcissist. Problem is, I made my peace with that a long time ago. I can handle that my WS has character flaws; I can't handle being reminded of the grossest mistake he's ever made.

I would have fed him his intestines.

Raw.

What was is justification for doing something so horrifically damaging to your recovery?

Ripped Soul,

Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines. There is no OP namecalling in this forum.

Thanks.

Whether anyone else knew who he was talking about isn't the point. YOU knew..his wife..you knew. It was incredibly insensitive of him..no..sri is right..it was flat out mean.

Im so sorry.

(((((RippedSoul)))))

That was very insensitive of him. Delusional. I dont think he gets the magnitude of his actions and choices and the way it has affected you. You D-Day seems at least 9-10 months ago. If he still is speaking in these terms about the AP, he still has his head up his ass.

I remember our first and only MC session (a mont after D-Day) where WW introduced AP2 as smart, intelligent, blah blah.. and I was so stunned and looking at her. I was so pissed that I did not talk to her as you are doing. She did not understand it and we ended up not talking about it. A few days later when I told her that she described AP2 in such a way, she did not even remember saying that. Classic WS fog.

You WH needs to do a lot more for you to R. In fact a lot more so that you dont kick his ass out of the door.

Sorry, moderator. :(

He didn't justify it. I explained why it hurt me and told him it made me want to tell everyone what I call her instead of "rising star." He said it made sense and he wouldn't do it again.

He does NOT get the magnitude of his actions because he's not truly remorseful. He's sorry that he hurt me, but he's not sorry that he had the affair. He said, last night, that that was a good time for him. ?????

So, no, he's not completely intent on reconciliation, I don't think. It's very complicated. He says he loves me, and, in his way, he probably does. But . . .

he needs to have his behind kicked so far up between his shoulder blades he has to open his mouth to sh..

oh wait. he already does that.

I am so sorry you experienced this. This man deserves to have the soles of his feet burned off for stepping into a church and saying such things.

f

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[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

btw, exposure of the affair is one of the fastest ways to get Wayward person out of the fog.

If you have the capacity to handle the fallout, expose him at your church.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

What does

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mean?

He wasn't actually in the church; he was in the house of friends from church. Not a huge distinction, but a church IS more sacred.

During the affair, he came out to me as an "atheist," and only attends church with me for our children's sake. So exposing him there wouldn't change him and would only hurt them. I don't want our sons to grow up knowing their father is an SA who cheated on me with another woman, a prostitute and two hookers. What a burden for them!

He said, last night, that that was a good time for him.

Gently, it takes 2 to R, and you can't R with an unremorseful WS.

Is he in IC? Seriously, if my W had said either of those things to me, I'd have kicked her out. ow is a serial cheater, but he thinks she's hot stuff and his A was a good time? He'd be a lousy partner to a snake.

Are you in IC? (If not, why not?) What's holding you in this M? You deserve much better treatment from your H, but you probably won't get it unless you change.

I encourage you to read the Healing Library, especially FAQ 11, about 'the 180', which is a set of behaviors that help you live with a WS who isn't remorseful.

Have you outed ow to her H? If not, it's a good idea.

Has your H been tested for STDs? If not, stop having sex with him until he gets tested and you get the results. (We thought there was no risk, but my W now tests positive for HPV, and she probably got it from ow. She was never tested for HPV before the A, so we don't know for sure when she picked it up, but we'd been monogamous for over 40 years before that.)