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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should a var be part of R?
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the healing library doesnt say anything about installing a var to see if the cheating spouse is still cheating.

i just wanted to check in with you guys to see if you use a var. my gut is not telling me that anything is going on...but i want to make sure i am not overlooking anything...or really acting in denial about my r requirements.

remember how the last time, i talked myself into thinking that him refusing to give me access to his phone was "okay." i was dead wrong. it is never okay to not be transparent.

but i wanted to ask about this var thing.

is it something that i should put in his car to help with my trust issues?

truth is that even though i dont suspect anything...being really honest you guys...i am scared to hear something horrible. it would mean divorce for me...and pain.

is this something you have done?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I used one. I thought it would be stupid of me not to employ all tools available to me to protect myself. I have kids. I have a life. I have my mental health to protect. I needed to have some confirmation if what I was seeing was real or if I was being fooled again.

I used one and wouldn't hesitate for one second to do it again, even 6 years out, if I had a quiver.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Jan 2011
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's a var? When I first read your post, I thought, there's nothing we can do to control them. If they're going to do it again, they'll just get smarter.

Then, I read rebreather's post about being a parent. Smart. Good advice, too. I guess it's good to be aware.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A var is a voice activated recorder.

I have on occasion..maybe a handful of times..just to see if there's anything to hear..and heard nothing.

WH accidentally butt-dialed me twice last week. Each call lasted about 15 minutes..but I could NOT disconnect that call..KWIM?? I heard nothing. Well,I heard a video about safety,lol,but nothing interesting.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7668 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been seriously considering getting one but don't know enough about it. While WH wants R and is actively doing everything he is supposed to (for the most part), he still works with her and their PA happened in their offices

Is there something I could hide in his brief case that would work?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what if he finds it?

That means 1) install it so it won't be found, even if he drives over very rough roads, and 2) prepare your speech now in case he does find it.

The speech can be very simple: 'I didn't trust you, so I installed the VAR.' You could even add that you'd be happy to have a VAR around the house and/or in your car, if you have one.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:00 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No var, but there are plenty of other methods of discovery. I support whatever you need to employ.

That said, I told my W at the onset of R, both between us and in MC that I considered my spying on her fair game for the rest of our M. That is not bi-directional. You loose something when you have an A, trust. I don't keep secretes, but I expect my W to trust me since I have done nothing to violate that trust. The opposite it not true. I do think if you are going to spy on them (which is what a var is doing) you should be up front with them about it. Not about the methods, but about that fact that you feel you can and will as you deem fit. That way they can make a choice about the type of relationship they are in with you. Just my two cents...

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you should be up front with them about it. Not about the methods, but about that fact that you feel you can and will as you deem fit.

Wow. That's a thought that was just outside my reach when I posted before.

Thanks, wert - right on.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely! I use whatever I want to feel safe and WH knows this. He actually likes knowing that I know what he's doing most of the time in a way of proving himself.

Var helped me find out about additional contact. WH knows this. He also knows that I check phone records, his phone, and I can retrieve deleted text messages. Then there is the gps too

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS told me I could do whatever I thought was necessary to make sure that he isn't cheating, said he has absolutely nothing to hide and wants me to feel comfortable. He said I could put a GPS on his car or a VAR. What he doesn't know is I installed spyware on his new cellphone last week. It has a function where you can record sound up to 5 mins at a time. The first day I hit that record button so many times and nothing! WS came home and complained that his cell phone died so fast and I was like ; note to self don't hit record too many times.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think if you are going to spy on them (which is what a var is doing) you should be up front with them about it. Not about the methods, but about that fact that you feel you can and will as you deem fit. That way they can make a choice about the type of relationship they are in with you.

I do not agree with this ^^^. Why would you want to show your hand, thus allowing your WS to be guarded in any way?
You do not owe your WS an explanation or a heads up on spying.
I have 2 VARs, but at this point I do not use them. I would not hesitate to if I deemed it necessary, fortunately my gut is silent.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i see...thank you guys for the replies.

like riding says...my gut is silent as well.

the difference between now and my false r was that in my gut..."i knew." but i was in denial and didnt want to face the reality.

i dont feel that way now.

i think what i will do is wait to see what my gut tells me..what doesnt add up...or if i suspect any of the old wayward behavior. if my gut tells me something is "off" i will get the var...and not tell him a thing.

i just dont want to make the same mistakes twice by hiding in denial with my head in the sand....too afraid to learn the truth.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sri...there is no harm in hiding the VAR even when your gut is silent.

Even when I suspected nothing I hid the VAR. Probably because A behavior can be SO sneaky and my attitude was, "you just never know".

The benefit of hiding a VAR and finding nothing enabled me to believe in my WH...it helped in the ongoing process of rebuilding trust.

i just don't want to make the same mistakes twice by hiding in denial with my head in the sand....too afraid to learn the truth

Just remember that inaction as a result of fear must be avoided.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do not owe your WS an explanation or a heads up on spying.

I disagree with this. For me this is about the values I want to live. I have no issue with spying and I agree that you should not show your hand. No need to tell them 'how' you will spy, just tell them that at any point you feel you need to you will. It lets them know that they are not trusted, that they have lost the privilege of privacy, that you will take matters into your own hands and won't be a door mat. Telling them reveals nothing about methods (my W has no idea how I would track her) and it allows straightforward honesty on my part, which is how I want to live my life. Sneaking around is what they did, I don't want to be like them, I want to be like me.

Opinions vary...

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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