I have to admit (and I posted on this a while back) that only now is the reality that he had a LTA hitting home. I guess this is just part of the ongoing process of the roller coaster that is post infidelity.
Day to day though what does my M look like?
FWH still appreciates that I decided to R.
He still feels like a prize dick for having an A.
He still gets waves of guilt and feels waves of nausea when thinking of that time and the OW so no worries about him ever 'going back' to her
He - due to the extensive IC- is a far better husband and human being who is kinder to me and to DD and is more generous with his time and his possessions and with his money!
He hugs me a lot and kisses me a hell of a lot.
The main change?
He talks to me about everything! There are no hidden agenda's, no no-go topics and no arguments where he then starts to slag me off before storming out like a petulant child
We have fun together and have a laugh together and enjoy spending time together.
I come first. It used to be his job then him then his hobbies then me then DD!!
Now it's me and DD then him then his hobbies and -lastly- his job!
Now he tells me what he is working instead of saying he hasn't been given any shifts as yet and he books finish times when he knows we have stuff planned so he can leave work and be there with me (before he'd either turn up late or not bother to turn up at all!!!).
Now we book things in advance and have holidays booked into next year already whereas before he wouldn't even pre-book a trip to McDonalds incase he decided he wanted to D me before we went (although I actually don't like McD's- I was being ironic !!)
Now, he will ask me if I need anything picking up on his way home from work and will call me several times a day just to chat to me and will always ALWAYS respond to a trigger or a melt down should they occur (lesser in frequency and intensity but- hey- I do still trigger from time to time )
He hates people who have A's now and is trying to be a better person with better boundaries who won't flirt with all and sundry... instead he talks to his co-workers about me; our M and our life together (yes- this has been confirmed).
Me? I'm more relaxed as I feel safer. I don't feel the need to police him or his whereabouts and I never want to. I think I have said before that if I have to live my life policing or mothering him then I will walk away as that's not a relationship... that's a gaoler/prisoner relationship that will wear us both down.
I laugh a lot nowadays and, apart from the 14 lbs that I have put on (with his wooing me back with treats out at restaurants or lovely home cooking) that I hate and am trying to lose I am happy with who I am and the person that I have become.
I accept fully that his A was due to his brokenness and not my failings as a wife, mother, lover and woman! I accept that this means he chose someone to mirror and pander to him and this was regardless of her looks so don't need to focus on whether my boobs are too big or my ass is too saggy or that my eyes are the wrong color
I can just focus on being the best me that I can be.
The ricochet to the above? Our DD is relaxed and happy and settled and she now adores her dad (this is the girl who swore blind she would never speak to him again let alone spend time in his presence or live under the same roof as him ever again!!). If she needs a hug she tends to call dad first as he offers 'sound' advice
If anybody ever asks you why you are selling yourself short by sticking with a cheat because "once a cheat always a cheat" and "if they did it once they'll do it over and over again" tell them this:
Statistically- a remorseful spouse is 85% less likely to re-offend than someone who has never cheated before as long as they get IC.... then tell them MrsDoubtfire can vouch for the fact that a bumpy ride in the early years is well worth the longer term M that you will end up with.
Don't listen to someone who has never been cheated on. That's like asking someone who's never had a colonic how it feels!!! (No- I don't know how it feels either. My bum doesn't need flushing out haha)
Instead- listen to people like the wise old timers on SI who have been there and done what you want or are doing....
And stick with it. You will learn a new normal.
You will also find that the bad days will eventually be overtaken with more good days than bad and that your gut will stop lurching all over the place and will settle once more.
Hang in there and just keep moving forwards.....
This applies to those who's spouse is remorseful and willing to walk over hot coals to put things right... if they are making YOU do all the hard work then my advice is to hard 180 first and be prepared to walk away and D them if needs be.... that's what I had to do at the beginning.
It was only when I went NC with him and started to D his sorry ass that he de-fogged!!
Just wanted to offer some hope and something positive for people to read.
There are a lot like me on here but I know I am guilty of using this place as a place to safely vent and am probably less likely to post when something is going great in my M so I do occasionally try to level the scales by sharing the good things that are happening in my M.