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User Topic: Getting to a spot where WS may have been?
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderingwhy11...I think we share similar experiences in that I suspect our spouses probably had similar feelings (maybe comfort levels?) towards our respective marriages pre-A. My wife has, since I have known her said proudly she wanted children but could take or leave being married. I heard this from her before we even started dating. I found this attractive at one I wonder if that should have been a flag. I am not saying any person should be codependent...that is unhealthy too. I am just thinking that statement is almost an admission that they are not looking for a serious long term relationship with a man, that there is a level of intimacy that she does not desire or require or is willing to work towrds...for whatever reason. (an A, as it turns out, is actually LESS intimate then a marriage...because of the lies it is built on. True intimacy can not exist on lies) She has also told me that if we get D she could see NOT getting remarried ever. I do have hope that we can build intimacy into our marriage that was not their improbable as that sounds because that level of intimacy has as much to do with her as it does me. Between those life long statements from her and the A...much lies inside her. BUT, I have observed changes in ME that were a life long way of operating and are now a part of MY however improbable, it certainly is possible.

All things I wonder about and take into consideration. I get the sense your husband may have similar thoughts motivating, or not motivating him to take his marriage vows in the same light as we did.

Just some thoughts I have at 4 am...

Regardless if I am on the trail of something meaningful or not...I did read your profile. Sounds typical of what BS go through, including me. Typical...but oh so hurtful.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:37 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When an affair comes along, it changes us. An affair is a life changing traumatic experience. For me, my personality shifted more towards "A". I have a greater desire to live in the now. It provides me with more thoughtless fun and happiness. My wife on the other hand has changed more towards "B". She has a greater desire to support the long haul, by building respect, trust, and love, which gives her more security and happiness. And furthermore, my change to "A" was more radical in the beginning, but I softened (or hardened) as I reconfirmed most of my beliefs, however, I have changed in some aspects based on new fears and beliefs and I will never be the same person. This is not necessarily a bad thing. So to answer your original question, yes I picked up where my WS left off, sort of, to some degree, in the beginning and slightly still today in some aspects.

I would also like to say that a large ingredient in what attracted me to my wife before we married was the ability to expand myself through her, playing off her attributes that I did not have. You've heard of "opposites attract" and have seen radically different personalities coexist in harmony. Well that was us. Although our goals were the same, our personalities were very different. So here we are changing ourselves and still trying to maintain harmony. Its not an easy task.

All I can recommend is take the logical "will I regret it in the morning" approach. It's what saves us when we are under the influence. Know that your morning will not come until possibly several years. That's ok. Just think about your kids, your legacy, and how you desire to be perceived in years to come.

Take care.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you stillliving!

Thanks for still being a part of this community after years of working through your trials. I appreciated your post and reading your well written profile...much of which resonates with me.

First, your whole shift to A for a BS makes total sense to me!
I just had a conversation with my wife last night on how I feel an internal core shift occurring in me. I have greatly reduced my long-term planning stance and am living more and more in the moment....spending money more freely, dancing in public with my daughters, driving faster, drinking more freely, hardly anything at work rattles me a way I kinda think my original posting had to do with this shift. I cant say if my wife is moving towards B more...just not feeling an integral part of her journey yet...some of that has to do with my rage and anger towards her I am sure.

Speaking of anger...I also agree that is NOT a core part of is a defense against hurt and fear. I am getting better at facing both of those and as I do I see the anger becoming manageable again. With it fading I can once again see the woman I fell in love with and chose to marry years ago.

Your whole 7-17 age range is spot on. This is absolutely when I developed my coping mechanisms and developed my definition of did my wife. Both of us had, like many people, a divorced household with minimal to no dad involved...and moms working hard just to provide the basics. Much of our issue stems back to this age period. Not blaming, just recognizing. And, just like in your wifes case, those ways of coping carried us so far and then....well, here we are.

WE are here...trying to learn about each other, ourselves, and how we can interact in a more authentic, caring, loving supportive way.

Will I regret it in the morning. Good question to check up my actions and words. I will work on finding peace in times of internal turmoil so that I can do this effectively. I like the fact that you point out that the actual morning maybe sometime in the future and not the next day...

Patience...I see glimpses of this changing in me at the core...meaning I am gaining MORE patience. But this is harder and slower then the shift in A mentioned above...though each time I push into more patience it feels better and results in a more positive outcome...I am hoping this will snowball.

Thanks again for staying a part of this site even after the crisis part of your trials has past. It is so very comforting to get support from someone who has been there, done that. I know you are not out of the woods...but I appreciate all of the wisdom your pain has afforded you.

God be with you.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 43
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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