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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blindsided
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Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself in this situation.
You seem to be looking at things logically right now, which can make things easier at times.
Make sure you're taking care of YOU.
Sending positive thoughts.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you're going through this. Has he gone near his computer? If I were you I would lock that thing in a safe to make sure he's not deleting things.

So did he actually meet the girl in person or did they just email about meeting? Does your daughter know about this?

Stay strong. I don't know what the laws are, but can you put things (house) into your name only so you're protected? Sending you big, HUGE hugs.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so very sorry this is happening to you. There is a reference thread specifically for those with a WS into anonymous encounters and prostitutes here:

that will direct you in many of the things you need to do (STD testing, legal stuff, etc.) However the suggestions are not specific to charges dealing with soliciting minors. You may want to add what you learn about that as you go to that thread.

I totally get diving into compartmentalizing, focusing on the legal, etc during this difficult time. BTDT. But if you do not realize you are critically wounded now, and need to address that ASAP, you will not be able to do these legal/parenting/etc tasks to a level of ability that will best serve you and your family.

You need IC for you, and your daughter, ASAP. You should consider having your daughter live with your parents or somewhere else until you find out more about the truth. Or have your WH live with his parents, whatever. To be sure your daughter is safe, for starters, but also so her friends will feel safe visiting her and providing her support during this time. Also, because YOU may need some distance to be able to focus on YOU. I'm not saying cut him off, I am saying having him live primarily elsewhere until you have more verified facts on hand.

Get to a S-Anon meeting ASAP. They can connect you with others that have had similar issues with the law, with the impact of such charges on his earning ability, with you being the SAHP, etc and give you the appropriate IRL support you need now.

Keep posting. Even about stuff that doesn't seem like much. There are so many people here with such good ideas and experience that can help you. Consider SI a lifeline.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His lawyer has suggested that there are some things that I should not know about. I'm willing to go along with that for now, mainly because I feel we both need IC before we start MC. Once we start MC, and we get to the Disclosure stage, he will need to be completely honest.

Um. It's his lawyer's job to protect his client. I don't think that I would be taking his lawyer's advice at all.

Do YOU have a lawyer?

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
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Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've had my first IC session since D-Day. It was nice to not have to be the strong one, not have to worry about the legal implications of what I was saying. I now have a regular weekly appointment instead of my 2-3 month meds check for chronic depression. My IC agrees that the kids don't need to know what's going on until they have to (i.e. WH gets arrested), and to keep the details sparce.

My daughter has IC as well for ADHD and other issues. She had an appt yesterday. I wasn't too surprised when I was called into the session and she was crying. (She was home when I first got the news my SAWH was is custody and I was a complete mess. Couldn't hide from her that something was going on.) She was upset that she didn't know what was happening. I told her that I would not lie to her, and I would tell her as much as she needed/wanted to know. I explained that her dad was picked up for questioning and released pending further investigation. We had retained a lawyer for advice, and it was possible her dad would be arrested. I explained to her how that would work, and what we would do at that time. That calmed her down. My D decided that's all she really needed to know. She is totally cool! (Her IC is also my IC, so the IC knows the whole story now and will also keep an eye out for any signs that my SAWH ever messed with her. I do not believe he ever did, but I can't trust my judgement of him right now.)

When I told my SAWH about this last night, he looked so sad that he actions have cause our daughter pain. (And she doesn't and hopefully won't know the worst of it.) I have no sympathy for his pain in this regard. He caused this situation, he'll have to take responsibility for all the people getting hurt by the fall out!

Maybe this means I'm starting to move past Denial and into Anger. I kinda hope so.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally crying. Which would be good, except it's scaring our 7 yo. Which just makes me mad at WH for creating this situation.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok to cry. I'm so sorry for this pain, it's crushing. I wanted to reply and offers support to you. I am 2 yrs out, our situations are different as my fwh had a 3 yr lta that was revealed via the ow bh. I too was blindsided. At the time my oldest was almost 5 and I had a 2 yr old and 10 month old. Having my oldest see me cry was hard. For the most part I did my crying in the shower but he did see me and ask what was wrong. I told him that someone had really hurt my feelings and my heart hurt but reassured him that I would be ok. It was very simple and he understood.

You are amazingly strong and doing very well in this horrible situation. Remember you are human too and are going through a tragedy right now. It's ok to stop and cry. Enlist family and friends to help you as you have so much to process right now. As for your husband- yes, he obviously has a serious issue. The truth will come out because it is in the hands of the law. If he was soliciting minors there will be legal repercussions. If not he still has a mountain of personal repercussions to face. He put you at huge risk personally and with your health. Right now I'd let him take the lead in dealing with his issues legally and otherwise and you continue to take care of yourself and children. Continue IC and be sure to eat and drink water, sleep, and take time just for yourself. This is really hell and as I said before it is soul crushing. Keep posting as we are here to support you.

Ps. I'm posting via my phone so I apologize for grammar and punctuation!!

Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
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Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am more than angry now. I think I've been very patient and understanding.

So the WS saw the forensic psychiatrist yesterday. He got home early and we talked and actually cuddled for a bit. Today he mentioned that he spoke with the lawyer who recommended that he put off IC for a while until the legal situation clarifies. I found this upsetting, because I viewed his starting IC as a necessary step for us to start talking more about 'us' and not just the 'situation.' I'm really starting to be plagued by questions about his encounter (the one with the consenting adult that led to the actual cheating).

So when we were alone tonight I asked when he would feel ready to give full disclosure. He wanted to know what more I felt he was keeping from me. Well where do I start. I want to know what the ads said that he posted on Craig's List. How many times did they meet? What did they do? Where did they meet? How many times did they sleep together? Does he even know her real name? All these questions were met with silence. So I asked him if he had anything to say, he said, "Not right now." I asked when would he feel he could tell me, he said, "I don't know." Is there anything I can say to you that will get you to open up to me? "No not right now." I explained how I need these answers for my own recovery, and the more he delays, the less I trust that he has told me everything.

He has NO idea how hurtful this is to me. I cannot put my recovery on hold while he sorts out this mess. These questions will NOT go away.

So tonight, I'm on the couch fuming. If he can't start giving me some answers, he will be jeopardizing our chances at R. I may even ask him to go stay at his brother's house until he can own up to his actions. Hell, I'm tempted to go wake him up! Why should he sleep while I'm going through hell?

I'll give myself til morning to calm down, but if I still feel the same way, and he's still not talking, he'll be coming home to his bags packed.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 1:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What a difficult situation. I am so sorry.

I know a little bit about Craigslist. If he was posting ads (and it sounds like that is the case) then what he posted should be visible when logged into his account. When I was investigating CL a few years ago, ads were NOT DELETABLE. Even if they were no longer active or visible on CL, they were visible as history for the account. I saw years worth of posts...

Given that I would think that at some point you could have those questions answered.

I would be very uncomfortable being in the dark and hearing the "legal" excuse for keeping you uninformed. How frustrating!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you. You are doing a great job. You sound super strong. Take care of yourself. Crying is ok. You and IC did a great job with your daughter as well.

Have IC or lawyers said anything about whether he needs to stay in your house? I wonder if it would be better or worse on you and the kids to have him there. To have the arrest and legal stuff unfold, while you are trying to hold it together and mourn the loss of your marriage as you knew it, and start to heal. And trying to keep things calm enough for kids. And soon for back to school. All with him in the house vs. out. I don't know but I would probably talk with my IC at least. Especially with you feeling like you are and him responding to your questions in that way as well.

Take care. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not feeling very strong at the moment. I couldn't sleep, so I went snooping on his computer. Found photos of him and another woman who's a mutual aquaintance of ours. It gave the appearance of more than just a casual encounter.

So I woke him up at 2:30am demanding the truth or his ass was out the door. It wasn't until I was packing his bag that he finally started answering my questions, after saying "I don't know what difference it's gonna make at this point."

He claims those pictures where just 'morphs', and they were teasing each other, no real encounter. Of course this is after denying there were any pictures in the first place, and then there were no pictures of them together. So I don't believe a word he says at this point.

I did finally get some questions answered about the PA he confessed to. It was more than I had thought. Not that it matters at this point. He didn't really tell me voluntarily, it was all under threat of eviction. So he basically betrayed my trust AGAIN.

I'm also really doubting the sincerity of his remorse at this time. I think he's just sorry he got caught. And I never would have known if he hadn't tried to meet up with a 15 year old...

I need to do some thinking. This whole situation may just be too much to deal with.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 4:19 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant offer much but ((hugs)) and your not alone at 345 in the morning :-)

Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gets worse. He's been exchanging intimate photos with my best friend of 30 years. And the more I think about it, those were NOT morphed pictures with the mutual aquaintance. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from all this TT. I'm done. Asking him to move out a.s.a.p. and this time I'M getting a lawyer.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sending ((((Blindsided)))


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 407 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
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Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hang in there. I think him moving out and you getting a L are good decisions. YOU have to protect YOU and his legal issues are more than you should take on under the circumstances in my opinion.

Do you have family near by? A friend who is NOT sexting with your WH? Let these people feed you and support you in real life the same way they would if there had been a sudden death. Your trust did die! Let people help you.

Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini, I'm sorry you are in this mess. I have to say though, as you begin investigating and finding are going to continue to find more. Steel yourself to this reality. The double betrayal with your best friend is horrific.

Get tested for STDs asap. It is good you are seeing a lawyer. I have the feeling there is going to be much more to this story. I am so, so sorry.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I packed the SAWH off to his brother's house.

This is my plan for the future.

I have an appt with my IC and a full physical scheduled for tomorrow. Appointment with lawyer is Saturday. I do believe that WH has never been inappropriate with my DD. Not because he said so, but because SHE said so. Though I will bring it up privately with her IC as something to be aware of.

I will Focus on what I DO have.

Luckily my parents live nearby and are willing and able to support me emotionally and financially through this. I do have supportive friends OL and IRL who are appalled at the betrayals I have experienced. I have three wonderful children who love me and need me to protect them.

I will repeat the following and 'Fake it until I make it true.'

I have come to the sad realization that I cannot trust a word out of SAWH's mouth. He is NOT the man I thought he was, and the marriage I'm morning never really existed. SAWH is broken and has many issues he needs to deal with. Maybe he will come out of the fog and work for recovery, but it is something he will have to do for himself. I cannot do it for him. All I can do is deal with this crappy situation the best way possible. I do not have any energy to waste on him or my former friend.

My mind knows all this, now I just have to give my heart the time and space to catch up.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 2:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my dear Gemini... wife of a recovering SA here...
Many, many hugs. Sadly, your WH may have the easy part now. He can get into recovery, find a sponsor, a CSAT for IC, work the steps, and choose to live a new life of integrity. We spouses, on the other hand, are left holding a bag of crap, where once we thought we had a marriage.
Please seek out a support group in your area, SANON or COSA. The groups are anonymous, you share whatever you want. I promise you, you aren't the first one whose husband's were facing legal issues. As a matter of fact, there is another SI member with a similar story, SAFWH lost a good job, I'm not dude if their were legal issues as well, but their's has been a happy ending.
Primarily, you and your kids must be the focus... You didn't cause this can't control it can't cure it....

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've got a real piece of work on your hands and the mess he created for you and everybody else in his environment for that matter! Here is my problem with this. You've got a heap load of legal shit you're wading through along with potentially being married to one whose mug is heading for the registry, your parents are paying his legal fees, you're at risk for all manner of STDs and last but not least, your kids have been blindsided too along with traumatized and will likely learn the details somewhere along the line...

And when you ask questions, he won't cough up answers???? WTF? You need to give serious consideration that this may be far too much for you and surely your kids. Add to that his absolute soul sucking selfishness and your sanity may hinge on getting away from him.

For the record, I believe he's lying about not seeking underage girls. His lawyer indicated there are some things you're best not knowing and it can't get much worse than what you already know besides if he was actively seeking young teens. And this is something you are going to have to get some verifiable proof of one way or the other to know how to best protect yourself and your kids. I'd start with Craigslist. ((((Hugs))))

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
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Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you. You are doing great!! So strong. Your kids are lucky to have you.

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