P.S. My parents will not pay any more of his legal fees. He can go to his folks for help if he wants. My only concern for his legal situation now is how it will effect his ability to pay support. Plus I really don't want to have to take my kids to visit him in jail. I'm not sure how encarceration effects visitation rights. Just one of the many reasons I want to get our situation clarified.
We need to work on living arrangements, support, and custody issues so that the kids can know what to expect. Their lives are in such upheaval, I want to give them whatever stability I can. When we told them that WH was going to stay at his brothers, I did most of the talking (of course, 'cause WH can't face consequences of his actions). Made sure to point out that this is because of problems between Mom and Dad, they (the kids) had nothing to do with it. 16yo was upset, she gets what's going on. 11yo was confused but okay. 8yo was totally oblivious "Okay. Bye Dad." It's kind of a wake up call for me to see how little they've missed him so far. I'm assuming that will change with time.
When we meet this weekend for a 'status update' on where we stand, should I mention that I want a Legal Separation? If he doesn't like it, the only other option I have for him is Divorce. I cannot even imagine letting him back into our home at this time.
Has it really been less that 2 weeks since D-Day #1? I feel like I've lived through months of hell since then. My feeling towards my spouse and my marriage have done a complete 180. Am I moving too fast? Not really sure it matters at this point.
Anyway, trust yourself, you are in full blown adrenaline, family protection mode. You have clarity. At some point when things settle you are gonna start to feel the hurt and grieve, and it will be tough. But right now you are doing what is right for your kids.
Get yourself and your kids protected legally. Hope for the best outcome for your H for the sake of support and your children, but keep yourself far enough removed to keel your sanity and ability to be there for your kids and grieve at the same time.
Your are doing an amazing job, superhuman.
As for the CL account. If you knew or had access to the email linked to his account, you could get a password reset. It used to be that the user name was the email account linked to the CL account and that is where the emails in response to his ads would come. I haven't had to visit the online horror of CL for many years so I don't know if my experience is accurate for current accounts. Please don't torture yourself looking for "his" ads online!! I almost lost all hope for humanity trolling through those ads...
Can you get a free or hour consult for minimal cost with a L? Every state is different with what legal separation is and how it is obtained. I don't see why it is a secret or something that you have to discuss with him this weekend unless you want to discuss the terms of it with regard to visitation and support going forward.
You are doing great. I am glad your parents have removed themselves from his support team financially. You sound on top of things and capable and strong.
When you don't feel that way, come back and read your posts. You have it together!!
And the hits just keep on coming. At my appointment yesterday, my doctor ordered blood tests, did swabs etc. Turns out I have Trichomoniasis. Sucks, and is automatic grounds for divorce in Illinois.
But what really burns me, is that I know for a fact, that my 'so-called' best friend had this infection this past year. We shared a lot things, but I really didn't expect an STD to be one of them.
I texted the WH asking for the online OW's name and phone number so she can be contacted by the doctor/health dept/whoever does that sort of thing. Also so he can get treatment, or he'll just keep spreading this around CL. I hope he feels like shit over this, but I doubt it. That would require a conscience.
Right - can you say delusional.
The STD testing thing was so hard for me that I had a full blown panic attack at the doctor's office. The upside was he prescribed anti-anxiety meds on the spot and was very sympathetic.
You should feel proud of yourself for being so proactive and in control.
I am riding such a pendulum swing of emotions. There are times I just want to divorce his a$$, and others when I miss him so much, and I really want him back. I keep telling myself that the Legal Separation is the best option because I am in no condition to make a permanent decision. It's hard to tell if I'm being strong or just stubborn.
This isn't even considering the possible legal troubles. I just don't have the energy to deal with something that might or might not ever happen. I have enough to deal with already.
I find it hard to believe - what he's saying @ not knowing it was a minor.
That's what the lawyer isn't telling you, I believe...
Just stay strong, in control during today's "talk".
Listen. Listen hard. Do your best not to react.
Sending cool, calm, collected to you Gemini!
You are doing great! You are strong. You may not feel like it right now, but you are a strong woman and great mom!
Your emotions are all over the place and they should be. You are doing fine for what you have been dealt.
One day at a time!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
I laid out my requirements for attempting to reconcile.
1. WH treated for SA by CSAT asap.
2. 3-6 months sexual sobriety. (no porn, no sexting, no web sites, no CL)
3. MC in 3-6 months. (He has a lot of IC work to do first)
4. Full disclosure.
5. Complete honesty.
6. Keep me in the legal loop.
7. I get to see the Forensic Psych report, and there can be NO pedophilic tendencies. DEAL BREAKER.
I did my best to remain calm and detached. He is clearly hurting bad, but I didn't back down from my position. He is still very closed off emotionally. I made no promises for the future. We'll just have to see what comes.
Saw the lawyer today, and it made me realize that I really do want to try to R. But I'm gonna stick to my requirements. The Legal Separation sounds like something we can do on our own, since we are talking to each other amicably. I'll save my money for if it all goes south and I need to file for divorce.
Sometimes I just miss him so much. It's really hard after I see him, and now the kids are starting to miss him too.
I'm telling myself, not to make any hasty decisions. I'm giving myself until the weekend before deciding to file for Legal Separation at this time. I know I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and I'll probably feel different again tomorrow.
First S-Anon meeting tomorrow, and SAWH has first counseling appt tomorrow as well. Just feeling very confused, so it's a good time to take a step back...and breath...
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 11:13 PM, August 12th (Monday)]
Just remember, the types of decisions you are facing right now are the kind that you can change your mind about. Having a contingency plan is super smart.
You are doing great!
One word of advice: Let your "real world" support team know what you need. If it is to listen, or to help with food, or child care, or driving you around. Whatever thing that seems overwhelming, let someone know. Or if you have "too much help" then let them know you need space- how much and a time frame. It is hard to see people we care about hurting, and to have no idea how to help.
I'm letting my SAWH move into the basement of our house. I think he'll have a better chance at recovery if he's under the same roof his family, plus I'll know more what's going on. We've barely communicated the week he's been at his brother's house, and I feel like that has put us on pause. I feel that we need to be able to talk to be able to move forward to wherever we're going.
I also have a lot more information from the lawyer about what it will take to separate our financial lives, whether it be through a Legal Separation or a Divorce. I've pretty much decided that if I do leave him, it will be Divorce, not the LS. LS seems kinda like a waste of time.
So, we'll be under the same roof so I can monitor his recovery, and we'll both be there for the kids. I'm making finding a job priority one as soon as school starts next week. If he's serious about R, we'll be able to work on it together. If not, he'll come home to an empty house and D papers. The ball is in his court. He needs to prove to me by his actions that he is changing and that I should stay.
On Tues we talked and he admitted to having oral sex from my XBFF. It hurt, but he seemed to be opening up, so I put that aside. XBFF has lately been giving OS to just about anyone.
On Weds I had IC, and realized that he confessed by answering my yes or no question. No information volunteered, and I didn't think to ask further at the time. This raised some concerns for me about his remorse. Also had dinner with some family who is VERY anti-SAWH. This was not unexpected but did raise some valid trust issues.
So I called him Weds night to discuss trust. He did some blame shifting, pointing out how it was hard for him to initiate sex while I was in my depression. (poor F'n baby ) I called him back after thinking for a while and called bullsh@% on his blame shifting. I also asked bluntly if he had sex with XBFF. He said yes. Once again, a devastating one word answer. Hurt once again by having to drag the horrible truth out of him, I told SAWH to make plans to move into his own apartment instead of the basement. Besides, how do I know what other yes/no questions I should be asking of him, but just haven't imagined yet.
This morning I called the lawyer's office, gave them their retainer, and asked that the file be amended to a petition for Divorce instead of Legal Separation. I'm done. I've been willing to work past a whole lot of sh@% from him these past 3 weeks, but screwing my BFF was the last straw.
Sometimes "Sorry" just isn't enough. (Sigh)
It's official. Gave the attorney the go ahead to file D papers. Never thought I'd be doing this, but then, I never thought he'd do what he did. It's amazing how quickly one's life can change.
I honestly believe you're o the right path, even if it might not feel like it, just yet.
I wish you much luck and success in your healing journey.
So now we have no money to pay the mortgage. WH's response? "I don't know what to do." Guess he'd care more if I told him we didn't have money for his rent or cable bill. But I'll be nice, since I have no income of my own, and he's still allowing me access to his money until we have an official support order. If he doesn't care, I'll do whatever's best for the kids and I. We'll stay in the house until the bank Forecloses, and I'll have a nearby rental lined up for us to go to. It'll trash both of our credit ratings, but I'll survive. To be honest, we'd still have these financial issues if we were just Separating vs. Divorcing.
My DD is distraught that we'll be moving, and is starting to realize that this is pretty much her dad's doing. I hate seeing the pain this is causing the kids. All I can do is be there for them, and love them like crazy.
Seeing how WH is abdicating all his responsibilities just reinforces my decision to D. As Dear Abby used to ask, 'are you better off with him, or without him?' We're getting along just fine without him.