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Newest Member: ThomasD (45459)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blindsided
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read this thread from beginning to end, and I tell you what. YOU are one tough, smart, capable, rocking woman. You my dear have my greatest respect.

I know it still hurts, and you are dealing with all kinds of stress, but you will make it. How's the job hunt going? I would certainly make sure you get input from your attorney on how to proceed financially. It seems to me there is some fair lending clause about being left high and dry to protect SAHM's. I could be wrong, but......

You mentioned your depression a couple of times, but sister look at what you are doing, and havce done in the past couple of months. Now he is out of your home, and is STBXWH. Although it's hard, I am hearing ZERO depression from you. I hear a strong liberated woman, wonder if that depression was more from having to live with a NPD SA spouse.

Keep going, stay strong, love those kids, and find peace in the fact that you are limiting the drama in their lives.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now that we are facing not being able to make mortgage payments, my STBXWH has suggested that he live in the house (putting his rent money back into the communal pot) and that the kids and I go live with my folks. That would keep my DD's official address in the school district and she could drive 20 miles to and from school each day. He would 'get a roommate' to make up the rest of the mortgage money.


If we do that, it might be better just to have us all live here with either him or I living in the basement. But I'm not sure how I'd feel about that either. Cannot, will not leave him alone with DD.

It's all just a bad idea. Letting the house go into foreclosure just started to look a lot better.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In total agreement with Heavy Sigh. You need to get more information before you decide to reconcile. Your first job is to protect your kids and it doesn't take much for a social worker to make a big deal out of "child endangerment" charges. Good luck.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would not be reconciling, it would be sharing a house. I'm still going through with the divorce (in our state physical separation isn't required for D like it is for LS). Maybe we could put in the settlement that the house would go on the market once school is out. This would definitely not be a long term solution.

The whole suggestion just sounds odd to me. I definitely need some SI wisdom to help me evaluate this.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote to keep away. Take the financial hit, (the credit hit) move schools, whatever it takes. Keep away.
That's my wisdom on the deal. I got plenty of hugs though!

Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! He needs to move out. Tell him to get a studio apartment in a shit hole. What about HIS family, can't he go live with one of them? Do NOT let him live in your house. You and your daughter have gone through enough. Take the financial hit. Make a plan to sell the house when school is out. Tell him to go get a second job. YOU should not be responsible for fixing this shit show HE created.
Hugs to you - you're doing an amazing job under very rough circumstances.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with Cliffside & jjct.
For once, let him put you & your children first.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100% that you need advice and answers, but there are so many variables that only you know what is the best course.

If I understand this so far, this is what we have:

1. You are a SAHM with no income;

2. You have filed for a divorce;

The question now is what to do about the house, school, etc.

1. House - you cannot afford to live there without your WH;
2. If he lives there he will get a roommate to help cover the mtg.
3. If you all live there, can he then cover the mortgage?

Is your daughter graduating from this school? If not, then it's a moot point - she will have to switch now or switch next year.

If there is the slightest chance that you will R, then you do not want to be moving the kids from school to school

Do you have any equity in this house? If so, you may want to put it on the market and sell it before the bank forecloses.

If you don't have much equity, then forget it, let the bank have it. It takes many many months to get someone out of their house on a foreclosure. You could live there for close to a year without paying any mortgage before you get evicted.

If you divorce, does your husband make enough to pay child support and maintenance so that you can live? Any child support you do get, will be for 3 children, but in 2 short years, one of those children will be 18 and CS will be down to 2 kids.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8113 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've decided that there is no way we'll live under the same roof again. It would be way to confusing for the kids because I have no intention of R. My DD is a Junior in H.S. and doesn't handle change well. But with plenty of time to get used to the idea, she'll adjust. We all will.

We owe more on our house than it is worth, it would need to be a short sale if we sell. Honestly, I'm leaning towards letting the bank foreclose. It seems to give us the best chance of finishing out the school year.

I've talked further with my parents about moving in with them. They are actually looking at it as a blessing in disguise. They had previously asked WH and I if we would be interested in having their house after they're gone (I have two older sisters who have no desire to move from their current places). They're wondering if I would be willing to live there long term and help 'take care' of them as they age. I'm not sure about committing to anything like that, but it does reassure me that we wouldn't be a burden.

It's a lot to process and WH's 'suggestion' threw me for a loop because I wasn't expecting it, plus the financial pressure I'm under. I may or may not move in with my folks, but I will NOT live under the same roof as STBXWH ever again.

Thanks for all the good advice and support. It really helps to hear from others who understand this emotional roller coaster.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:24 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, STBXWH and I had a discussion last Sunday about the house. We're basically going to let it go into foreclosure, which takes months. The kids and I will continue to live in it until school is out, then move in with my parents. Nothing new there.

However, STBXH said something that was bugging me this past week. He said, "Losing the house was the final nail in the coffin of his American Dream." Kinda pissed me off. He HAD the American Dream, and it wasn't enough for him.

So the last time we talked, I brought this up with him. I also mentioned something else he said that's been bugging me. He said, "You know about 95% of it." I flat out asked what could be worse than I already know? Being Mr. Communication (insert sarcasm), we basically played 20 questions. Turns out some of his 'acting out' behavior was with other men. Specifically oral sex. No biggie for me, but a huge issue for him. He's a pastor's kid so I can understand that he has issues with this and doesn't want to talk about it.

The only good part of this, is that I now accept that he truly has an addiction, one that causes him to act against his own best interests. While I 'knew' before that his A.s had nothing to do with me, now I fully 'accept' it. The personal bite of his betrayal is starting to fade. He would have cheated on anyone, no matter how much marital sex they had.

I hope he gets the help he needs, I truly do. But all I feel is pity for someone who is ruled so completely by his sexual urges.

As for me and my kids, we will move on to a better and brighter future.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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