Sorry for the kind of venting. I just feel like I should be able to breathe a little better now, but I still can't.
It's been about three years for me too. I can't trust him either. So boy do I know where you from where you are coming. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be married to someone that I need to check up on all the time. Perhaps. . . not. . IDK!!!
There is one thing that I have come to realize that you have to loosen the reins a little. Just keep your eyes wide open. Know what time she leaves and when she gets back. I may even set your mind at ease to know she is doing what she said she would. And if you can't trust her isn't it better that you find out before you put another three years into R?
Good Luck, I hope all works out for you. (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))).
Eventually I had to look at H's efforts to prove his trustworthiness and accept them. whenever his cell rang he just handed it to me without looking, that helped a ton. Whenever he worked late he'd call and just put me on speaker so I could listen to him work for an hour, whatever I needed he just did it without complaint ( after the fog lifted! ) I decided that I would appreciate his efforts to rebuild trust by acknowledging them and accepting them, I cut back my checking on him, once a week then every two weeks, eventually to only when I triggered or something wierd happened. I think what we as BS strive for is trust with eyes open. Never blind trust again. So if my H says I'm would like to go to happy hour and I feel worried, I have to say "I feel worried about this because..." not b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, if i'm feeling stressed about it it's my job to sort thru that so I can be clear. "I am feeling insecure b/c you'll be with ppl I don't know, can I come along? or i meet these ppl before you go to happy hours without me?" something to that effect. If I say to my H i feel insecure b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, he can't fix that, i'm giving him nothing to do to help heal this marriage and nothing will change b/c it can't.
If she is doing things that actively make you not trust her, you need to tell her what she needs to do differently to help you. If you are waiting for her to fix all the damage she caused by her affair, it's not going to happen. Yes she broke it but she is not capable of fixing it, unfortunately. We need to heal ourselves at some point, with the support of our spouses, we need to decide that we want to be married and work together to make it good or not to be married, we must make that choices as the BS and then take the steps toward our goal.
I'm sorry your hurting, I remember this time in my life and it was physically painful.
Thank you :)
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I am glad to read all the POSITIVE outcome that people have. I have to try really hard to think positive and feel positive. It's just hard sometimes. There are SOOOO many triggers. It's still fresh, even at 3 years out. I have trust issues still. Not that she is giving me any reason to, but I have just been burned and crushed and I don't want that again.