I really have no idea what my children think. For the last 8-10 years, my h and i have just been married room mates - room mates that don't like each other all that much. We're not violent or screaming banchees (probably part of the problem). We just nitpick things to death. I have no respect for him or his opinion on most things. I hate the way he treats our children - his conditional love for them. He's very negative about our kids. An example is that his family and friends only hear the struggles they have. He fails to mention or talk up (as I do) that his daughter is on the Deans List and maintained a 3.9 gpa through a high risk pregnancy etc. His son opened a very successful personal training business - all his father focuses on is that he doesn't have health care. It's crap like that.
OK, so that's the brief (?)history. Here are my questions;
1. Is it better if we use a "separation" as the first step? Will that settle better with our kids?
2. How much do we tell them? If they say, why? what do we say?
3. Although their father is very negative, he's been a good father. He was involved in every aspect of their lives from diaper changes and midnight feedings, to attending every single baseball game or dance recital. I don't want to further damage their relationship, but if they ask about the affair, do I tell them? I hate keeping secrets, as I have for so many years.
I really hope someone has good advice. He will be moving out sometime in the next 6 weeks. That brings up another question - when should we have this talk with them.
Thanks so much! ~L
When you do talk to your children about it, please be as factual as possible. My parents played the "pick me" game with my siblings and I and it was incredibly damaging, especially to my siblings who were 11, 13 and 15 at the time. My Dad especially damaged his relationship with my sisters and it hasn't really recovered in the 15 years or so since.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I wonder now, if telling them all together is the right thing to do. Knowing their personalities, I'm just not sure. But then again, I don't want them to have the "They told so-and-so first" thing. I do think my oldest can handle it and will help a lot with the other two. But I just don't know. We will separate in 6-8 weeks. I also wonder if I should tell them right now, before we move away from each other? I'm full of questions, but not answers. LOL Story of my life lately. ~L
Good luck. It is a sucky conversation to have. I have received nothing but support from them since.
Then answer questions. You may be surprised. They may just ask you what took you so long. Good luck.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Devistated - Thanks for this. Kinda like my comment above, I do feel like sooner is better than later. I'm very close to my daughter, and also afraid I might slip and say something. Plus, she knows me. It's entirely possible she's already sensed something. The only reason she wouldn't have, is that she just had a baby. What a beautiful distraction for us all! Anyway (again), thanks so much! ~L