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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how do i answer "why" without BH blaming himself?
Mrs Panda
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Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is productive. Speak the truth and speak your mind. Don't shy away from the path of resistance.

Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa, regardless of what you have or haven't done, if your BH is still married to you, he should not be dating.

BS here. I know a load of horse hockey when I hear it. That woman is NOT just a friend. He is in the midst of an EA, at least, and throwing it in your face. What's worse, he's taking your DD on his dates! He's using your DD as a cover for his dates with this woman.

I'm so sorry, Alyssa.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think his behavior with this woman is over the line and that he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't be. Now here's the thing you are focusing far too much on this and not enough on your issues. I can only speak by my own experience. I flip flop between anger and shame most days but even when I am angry at my SO I do not stop working on me because at the end of the day I need to be healthy, I need to make good choices, I need to be okay with me. How do I get there if I do nothing but focus on him 24/7?

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting back to your original topic:

You had an A AND you were unhappy with the state of your M.

Does NOT mean: You had an A BECAUSE you were unhappy with the state of your M.

You are perfectly entitled to not be happy for whatever your reasons are. But you being unhappy with your M did not force you to deal with it in the way that you did. You need to explore how you came to deal with your unhappiness by choosing an A.

If you ran out of money, would your first choice to be to go rob a bank? No - you would cut expenses, or borrow from friends or family, or sell possessions that you no longer need, or perhaps try to get a loan from a bank. The 'reason' you rob a bank isn't because you're out of money. That was an action chosen out of many possibilities.

The problem isn't being unhappy, the problem is how you dealt with it. That is the thought process you have to deconstruct to get to your 'why'.

Stop blaming the M. Everyone has problems in their M at times. Start figuring out why you responded to those problems in the way that you did.

And as for the 'just friend' that BH is hiding from you and lying about.....yeah, that's wayward behavior alright. He probably feels entitled since you did it to him first. He's wrong of course. If you are going to R, it's going to take both of you. If he's on the fence, I hope for both of your sakes that he decides what he wants sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, all you can do is work on you. Keep digging to get to the REAL 'why'.

Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2606 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
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Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I was being sarcastic. This situation with this woman is inappropriate - period. Hurting or not, wrong is wrong.

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
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Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to him he wants to R. But his words and his actions don't match up

Neither do yours. You're remorseful with feelings for the OM and staying in a position where you can see him almost daily. How can that even be remotely condusive to rebuilding trust?

You haven't taken the ball and made the choice to be with your daughter. I honestly don't get this at all. You say your husband doesn't want you to quit and move her to a different pre-school to cause further upheaval in her little life.

Hmmmm. Changing pre-schools vs her mother out of the house. Seriously? Which do you think creates more upheaval?

Ffs, this is your life and your daughters. Stop being a bystander. Get away from the OM.

Stop waiting. He's moving on. Time for you to at least take steps to move forward while strengthening your boundaries.

Yes, the interaction he has with his "friend" ain't cool, and you know how those work out. You can't control him, though. Just yourself. Time to do just that. You can do this.

I know you got angry at my suggestion to focus on your daughter because you were a good mother. Wasn't saying you weren't. Kids are huge time investments and some days I barely have time to remember if I've even eaten. If it weren't for work I'd never be able to post on SI

That's a way I reboot and center myself. My kids. They are enjoyable irrational little people.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertain one,

I have started searching for a new job and am updating my resume....I know it's time to move on.

My BH will not let me come home...I have asked and he has said he doesn't want me there right now. I could go against his wishes and move home anyways, but I think that would cause more problems, and we have enough to sort out already.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 870 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 27
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