Topic: calling it quits
Member # 30213
| Posted: 10:57 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
After you spend a year trying to rationalize what happened and the realization finally sets that...bottom line... he chose to put another womans feelings above yours, it seems like there is no way for it not to be a deal breaker, but you are only a year into this and wil go through many more changes in the next few...maybe try to hold off until after your 1st dday antiversary...this is a hard time and your emotions are running high...this is normal.
Starting on the meds a few months after dday saved me, but I gave them up after the first year when the anxiety lessened...follow what your body tells you... what allows you to function the best. My fWH blamed every "bad day" I had on my not taking them. They are for anxiety...being hurt and angry is not anxiety...just a normal reaction to this type of trauma.
A year is really nothing in the long process of healing
Your second year begins a period of healing and redefining yourself...with or without him.It is an interesting journey.
Posts: 437 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 26893
| Posted: 10:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
It's ok for it to be a dealbreaker. I'd love to tell you it gets better, but it hasn't for me. He'll never be able to make me feel like I'm special to him in any way ever again. It is what it is.
BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009
Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 38921
| Posted: 4:03 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013|
That's what I'm afraid of m33.
That I or our M will never FEEL
I need to work more on me. For me. I need to put myself first. It's a hard road.
I'm also scared that in my heart of hearts; it IS a dealbreaker. Questions but no clear answer
Posts: 140 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 32999
| Posted: 4:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013|
I often wonder why I am paying the price in this M for WH's brokenness.
this is how i feel too.
so unfair and sad. i feel as though i bear the brunt of the pain and confusion and anxiety....
him: the one who did it
Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Just South Of There....
Member # 30396
| Posted: 4:57 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013|
For some people it is a dealbreaker and that is ok. Each of us heal and deal with this betrayal in different ways. I could have written your post also. In some ways, I still feel that way now. Some of it will never go away. However, for me, I knew I would carry it regardless if I was still married to him or not. Healing is occurring, but very slow. The other thing, I know that the next person may do the same thing. Do I 100% trust him? No, but however, my trust level is much higher and he really is being a model husband and has been the last 3 years.
You need to make the decision that works for you. Regardless of opinions by others. You have to live your life for you. There is strong support regardless of your decision.
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10
Posts: 1218 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Member # 26544
| Posted: 8:51 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013|
For me the trust issue is a BIG problem. I can never trust my WS again. She had too many affairs and for me, we aren't married anymore. We just live together. Now having said that your spouse is a human being and we make mistakes. You can forgive or not, your choice. I guess that's what it boils down to. I hang in their for my daughter but when my daughter goes to college I don't know what will happen to us.
In your case you may have to accept the fact that he's not perfect in live with the imperfection. I don't know. Make damn sure you think it through.
D-Day Beginnig Dec 09
Posts: 207 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 32900
| Posted: 9:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013|
I totally get the ďIím not taking drugs so I can stay withÖĒ. I felt the same way. I finally took some ADís for me. I only took them for five or six months and they helped me. They were for me, not my W or the M.
As for her being a drug, I donít believe it at all. The drug was the fantasy and what it did for him. The OW is irrelevant.
I have not been on much and donít know your story. I know for me I needed to focus on me for a while (and still need to). I needed (and still need) that dreaded thing Ė time to heal. The A may have been a deal breaker for you. IMO your focus should not be on the M, but working on you, doing things for you and taking time to heal realizing that this was traumatic and takes time to work through whether you R or D. I donít know if either path is easier or better, but all the work, itís for you. Maybe you donít need to make a decision right now. Focus on you and your healing.
Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.
Posts: 1010 | Registered: Jul 2011
|Topic Posts: 27|