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User Topic: Another Bad Couple of Days
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday and today have sucked. I tend to be klutz and I am not always careful, even though I try to be. I really don't think before I act whereas my BH thinks about EVERY possible consequence for every action. Anyway, I was putting plates away in the cabinet, as I had done before hundreds of times. One of the plates didn't go in correctly, when I thought it did, and it fell down hitting the granite countertop and taking a small chunk out of it and scratching the top, along with cutting my leg. After it happened, I was upset - I was angry that I broke the plate and destroyed the countertop, but MORE upset about how it was going to effect my BH. Obviously when he came home he was furious. He told me that I cause nothing but grief in his life and that he is sick of the constant drama I bring into his life. When I said that I was tired of hurting me, he said that it is all I do. Things calmed down a little and we were spending some time together, watching a movie. He told me numerous times that he loved me.

Today, I was working on my classroom at school since the next few weeks I won't be able to. My BH has a tendency to want constant communciation with me, and I understand that. We talked most of the time that I was working. He was obviously upset during most of the conversations. He was again asking the whys. I am waiting for the AH-HA moment where everything will make sense for both of us. I a few reoccuring whys keep going through my head.

I have an overwhelming neediness. I felt like what I had in my life wasn't enough. I didn't intend to start an affair, but after the first drunken night, I quickly latched on and cultivated a relationship, not only with my AP but his wife as well. I looked into their family and projected what I thought a good relationship and family was onto them, when obviously it couldn't have been that great because he was cheating on his wife. I had wanted kids when my BH and I got together and he said that was something that he never wanted. I probably pushed aside my need for a family (yes, I have a family with him and our cats). There was something so warm about how I felt when I was around my AP and his wife. I was hurting her, but I was able to compartmentalize how I felt about the both of them and how I was hurting her and destroying her family. BTW, where does the ability to compartmentalize come from?? I could have just had a friendship with them (even though I know it couldn't have been a friendship at all with either one of them) and not slept with him. I feel that my whole life I have used sex to gain love and acceptance, even though the majority of the time, it only caused shame and heartbreak. I latched on them both in a sick and creepy way, infiltrated their family (I latch on very easily) I can't blame my AP for letting me into the family, because I had the choice to say no, to not meet his kids, to not be involved in their life. I don't know where I thought I had the right to have an A. I can't blame my BH or my AP for my actions - I can only blame myself. I am a selfish person, putting my needs over the pain of everyone involved. I felt that there were a lot of problems with BH - I didn't communicate my anger and sometimes during the affair, when BH did something to hurt my, I would delusionally think "My AP would never do that to me!" Complete and utter bullshit - of course he would. I overlooked his negatives to focus on his "positives".

Anyway, going back to the phone call, I told my BH that I was trying to get my emotional needs met. He asked me sexually have I ever felt satisfied sexually - I have never had a BIG O, but the closest I ever came to having one was when my BH and I were in a hot tub at a hotel. That was so many years ago. I feel that my whole sexually past has been about pleasing the man. I resented my BH for so long for not giving me oral sex, but he thought I didn't want it because I never asked, even though he does enjoy doing it (yet another breakdown in communication). I also felt like his pleasure was more important then mine. So many times after he had an O, I would go into the bathroom and cry because I had never experienced what he was feeling. I have always tried to make a guy feel good, which in turn made me feel good. I rarely get internal satisfaction. SO, during the phone call, he said if you only had sex with him about 6 times a year, how were your needs being me? I told him that there were other instances of kissing/touching, but not sex. In fact, when I was writing my time-line, I asked him if I should just put the time we had sex, or times we kissed/touched. He said just sex. After talking about this he hung up and was very angry because he felt like it was new information, which it wasn't. He told me on the phone that he is stuck in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. He wants to be in a relationship with the old pizzalover. I asked him if he wanted a divorce - he is not sure. I asked him if he wanted me to see a lawyer (which I have asked before when he's said things like "I haven't decided if I am going to divorce your ass.") I know saying that isn't helpful because it could be a sign that I am giving up, even though I'm not. He asked me not to do that anymore, to which I agreed.

When I ask him why he's still with me, he says that he is emotionally and financially dependent on me, and how would I feel if he had done this to me. I would feel absolutely devastated and be unsure of what I want as well. I would feel like my relationship was a lie. I don't want it to be a lie. I don't want our relationship (if it continues, which I desperately want it to) to be defined by the A. I want our memories from the past 3 1/2 years to still be special and important, but I have to accept that fact that he may never feel that way. I don't know why I protected this affair and not my marriage.

We have MC now, thank god, so hopefully that will help.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover, have you ever been alone? Your posts are like ginormous black holes. Seriously. You are ping ponging between wildly overstating your power to completely incapable of seeing you possess any.

Stop. You need to get grounded, girl, before you even begin to be able to be a healthy partner.

Dropping a plate has you damn near declaring yourself legally dead and your estates probated. Not that big an impact on the force. Honestly isn't. Yeah, get that your interactions with others haven't exactly been beneficial for all, to say the least, but dropping a plate ain't gonna tip the scales.

So, is there any way you can take some time out and start working on yourself? Serious work from the ground up kind of thing? It's not just a few thought processes and coping skills that need to be identified and worked on it's a system overhaul and reboot you're needing to do. It's doable and very worth it. It's also painful. I needed it too. You aren't alone. I was a HORRIBLE candidate for a relationship. Emotionally unavailable, survival mode, lethal weapon mentality. My interactions had a back ground "I got tone...taking the shot" noise going at all times.

I can see where your husband would be concerned but doubt he is for the reasons I'm thinking. He's got things he needs to work on too and sadly I think it's your dual dysfunction that was as much a bond as anything else between you guys. You both have work to do. I'm sure you can do it together and there are some amazing members that have done just that beautifully. They can guide, help, support, advise you both in tandem.

But for right now, start digging and start at the beginning. Yes you have power. Yes your actions have consequences. They don't stop the world, though. Balance. Own your portion only. Your husband has choices too.

One piece of advice on the timeline. Put it all in. Otherwise it's not really a time line but fyi's kinda linearly connected.

You can do this, pizza, if I can (and I'm beyond stubborn) you can. Trust me.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover, have you ever been alone? Your posts are like ginormous black holes. Seriously. You are ping ponging between wildly overstating your power to completely incapable of seeing you possess any.

Alone as in not in a relationship or alone as on my own with no help from others?? How do you feel from my posts that I am overstating my power? I feel powerless.

So, is there any way you can take some time out and start working on yourself?

What do you mean by this?

I can see where your husband would be concerned but doubt he is for the reasons I'm thinking.

Can you explain what you mean?

He's got things he needs to work on too and sadly I think it's your dual dysfunction that was as much a bond as anything else between you guys. You both have work to do. I'm sure you can do it together

I do believe that we are both highly disfunctional. I hope that is not what is holding us together. I know that I have a latching on problem and don't know how to let go (not that I want to let go of this relationship). I know we both have A LOT of work to do, both individually and together.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see where your husband would be concerned but doubt he is for the reasons I'm thinking.

What do you mean by this?

I mean that he's focused actually the same way you are. Completely on your choices and magnifying each and every one of them right now (not the onces linked to your affair) while diminishing and discounting his.

He's had a pattern of making pretty fucked up choices too. You asking him to turn his stereo down him blasting it just to piss you off has just a cavalcade of pathos underlying that shit. He asks you how you could love him and make the choices you did. Same question for him. Why puposely "in your fucking face" the person you love?

I read some stories here and wonder just how much getting healthy will actually dissolve the "glue" that holds them. Not a bad thing at all just worry that the cyclical perversion that holds them together will also prevent healing. Panic can set in when we feel ourselves letting go. You realize that, right?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's had a pattern of making pretty fucked up choices too. You asking him to turn his stereo down him blasting it just to piss you off has just a cavalcade of pathos underlying that shit. He asks you how you could love him and make the choices you did. Same question for him. Why puposely "in your fucking face" the person you love?

I can't even compare what he did to me with what I did to him. My actions were heinous and despicable. I could have left him for what he did, but I didn't. I'm the one that destroyed our relationship.

UO, would you be able to clarify some of the other things I asked earlier? I'd appreciate it.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even compare what he did to me with what I did to him. My actions were heinous and despicable. I could have left him for what he did, but I didn't. I'm the one that destroyed our relationship.

Jesus, it has nothing to do with comparing. Fucked up is fucked up. You are in a massive shame spiral that is completely unproductive and unhealthy.

Yes, you can work on yourself by yourself. You have a long way to go to be safe for yourself. You have to be that before you can be a healthy partner.

If you destroyed the relationship why are you both still there? The over the top hyperbole is for what? To show you feel like shit? So do something about it!!!


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
WPaul
♂ New Member
Member # 35166
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Pizza,

Just been reading your post, and I'm wondering if by "latching on easily", you mean the same as clingy - which is what my wife described me as fairly early on in our relationship.

Thanks!


me=47 yr old FWH
wife=43 yr old BS
DS 3

Posts: 42 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Southern UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to be in a relationship with the old pizzalover.

The pizzalover who put her pleasure second to his, and resented him for it? The pizzalover who didn't communicate her anger, and consequently chose to escape to a fantasy relationship--complete with the children you wanted and he didn't?

You can't be that person anymore. Not for him, and not for you.

I can relate to so, so much of what you wrote, including the sexual parts. You need to have an orgasm, girl! Can you give yourself one? What was it about the hot tub, the jets? Figure that out and get yourself an O, pronto! You know, the thing they portray in movies, with women having screaming O's from 5-minute intercourse is unrealistic for most of us. Sorry if this is TMI, but mine take a lot of work, and honestly it has only been post-A (because I started fixing my damage, not because of the As) that I've allowed myself to do what it takes to have an O during intercourse with BH. Before, I always worried it would be "insulting" to BH if I (again, sorry if TMI) manually stimulated myself during intercourse. Because that's what I need, and (guess what?!?) he's totally cool with it!

You're beating yourself up a lot. Quit it. You can be remorseful about your bad choices and still love and accept yourself.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to have an orgasm, girl! Can you give yourself one? What was it about the hot tub, the jets? Figure that out and get yourself an O, pronto!

20Wrongs strikes again!

Regarding "Big O's" I have three words if there is difficulty: "Hitachi Magic Wand". Amazon can have one at your door by 8am tommorrow. I'm serious...it's a legendary 20th century invention.

The benefits of a healthy personal sexuality in terms of mental, physical, and psychological are well documented. Perhaps some of SI's women members could PM you with ideas and support regarding this aspect of your self. The benefits would be extraordinary, I'm thinking.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just been reading your post, and I'm wondering if by "latching on easily", you mean the same as clingy - which is what my wife described me as fairly early on in our relationship.

Yes, latching on is being very clingy and not being able to let go.

The pizzalover who put her pleasure second to his, and resented him for it? The pizzalover who didn't communicate her anger, and consequently chose to escape to a fantasy relationship--complete with the children you wanted and he didn't?

You can't be that person anymore. Not for him, and not for you.


You hit the nail on the head for me. There are things about the "old pizzalover" that I never want to see again, however I hope he still wants to good parts of me. Speaking of communication, we have been working on this with our MC. I am trying to communicate better, but sometimes I worry that what I said will cause him to trigger. He said he doesn't trigger because all he thinks about everyday, all day is the A. I need to start just saying what I'm feeling.

Regarding "Big O's" I have three words if there is difficulty: "Hitachi Magic Wand". Amazon can have one at your door by 8am tommorrow. I'm serious...it's a legendary 20th century invention.

The benefits of a healthy personal sexuality in terms of mental, physical, and psychological are well documented. Perhaps some of SI's women members could PM you with ideas and support regarding this aspect of your self. The benefits would be extraordinary, I'm thinking.


I have a vibrator, and use it, but when I get close to what I think might be an O, I shut down. I think it's a mental block. I'm going to keep working at it.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertainone -
Jesus, it has nothing to do with comparing. Fucked up is fucked up. You are in a massive shame spiral that is completely unproductive and unhealthy.

How do I get out of the shame spiral I'm in? I've had shame for as long as I can remember. I know that's in unproductive but I need help getting out of it.

Yes, you can work on yourself by yourself. You have a long way to go to be safe for yourself. You have to be that before you can be a healthy partner.

I want to be healthy for me and mpb1974.

If you destroyed the relationship why are you both still there? The over the top hyperbole is for what? To show you feel like shit? So do something about it!!!

I guess you're right. I obviously didn't destroy everything since we're both still here. It probably is because I do feel like shit about myself. What do I do about it?


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 11

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