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User Topic: Open letter to OW
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found this and wanted to repost. This can easily be sent to OM. In reference to original material search for "Betrayed Wives Club".

---------


Dear OW,

WTF?

Honestly, just what the f&$k were you thinking? You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You knew he slept beside me every night. And you knew that I knew nothing. Is that what made it so delicious? So tempting? That I appeared by his side at various events, utterly clueless to what was going on behind my back? Did you feel triumphant? That you'd beat me at something?

Okay, so I looked stupid, at least to you. Is the satisfaction of that worth sacrificing your own dignity? Because, really, how can you have any dignity when you're pulling on your panties as he races out the door to be home in time for dinner? How can you have any dignity when you're alone – again – on a Saturday night while he's watching Toy Story with his children and tucking them into bed?

And frankly, though I might have looked stupid, and perhaps pitiful, to you...and some less-than-compassionate others, I'll take stupid over sleazy and low and cruel any day of the week. No matter how awful it felt to be me when I found out, I'd still take that over being you. No matter that my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying, I could still look myself square in the mirror without shame.

Did you think it was simply a matter of time? That you would be appealing enough for him to walk away from the life he'd built? That all those fantasies you'd convinced yourself of – that I nagged, that I was lousy in bed, that I was boring and bitchy – were actually true? Did you really believe that any relationship based on deception would deliver you from your unhappiness?

My guess is, yes, you did. My guess is that very few Other Women honestly admit their role as an accomplice in the intentional hurting and decepition of another human being. Often another human being you don't know. Or barely know. Or perhaps, shockingly, know well. Instead, they sell themselves clichés. Something along the lines of "we're soulmates", "we couldn't help ourselves", "the chemistry was too powerful" or "you can't stop love." All of which, I suspect you recognize on some level, is total bullshit. All of which allows you to divorce your abhorrent actions from your intent. "We didn't mean to hurt anyone," you wail.
Oh. Yes. You. Did.
Because you knew. You knew that I was being hurt, even if I didn't yet know it. You knew I was being lied to. And betrayed. And you participated in that. Knowingly. Willingly. Perhaps even happily.
What's more, my children were being hurt. And though I don't expect you to take total responsibility for that (after all, HE was their father), you nonetheless contributed to the potential dissolution of their family.
And for what?
Was the sex that good? Were the feelings of superiority, if only for the brief time he was with you, so intoxicating that it made all the humiliating departures, all the embarrassment when you were caught, all the shame this no doubt triggered, worth it?
And if he left me for you? What would you have gained? Three emotionally damaged children every second weekend. A man who lies and cheats. A man who doesn't have the self-control to stop himself from doing something he knows to be wrong. To be hurtful. What a prize. Guess what? If he's not willing to become something better than that – he's all yours. At least until he meets another you sometime in the future and you become cast as the betrayed wife.
In our case, you were shocked when he, after being caught and given the choice between me or you, didn't hesitate. Not for a second. And, believe it or not, I felt sorry for you. Though I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to spit each time I said your name, and shower each time I imagined you two together, I nonetheless felt a sliver of pity for you. Because no-one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another's scraps rather than demand respect and kindness. Or unless they're so delusional that they really believe that this is how true love manifests. Unless they've fallen for all that "star-crossed lovers" and "us against the world" crap.
It has been almost four years. December 11, 2006 - a date that's seared into my mental calendar. I have no idea where you are now. And though I still taste anger when I think back, I'm able to wish you, if not well, then at least better than what you had. If only to spare another woman the agony of finding out that you're sleeping with her husband.

Elle


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly, that blog is how I found SI.

I think this is spot on.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if he left me for you? What would you have gained? Three emotionally damaged children every second weekend. A man who lies and cheats. A man who doesn't have the self-control to stop himself from doing something he knows to be wrong. To be hurtful. What a prize. Guess what? If he's not willing to become something better than that – he's all yours. At least until he meets another you sometime in the future and you become cast as the betrayed wife.

I said almost this exact thing to my husband earlier. He gave me the "once a cheater, always a cheater" bullshit the other day (he meant me, as I was a cheater in a past relationship). I told him, "You're right. But now you fall into that category, and so does your OW (who has a boyfriend)." He can leave me to be with her, but who says the 2 of them won't be doing this infidelity dance somewhere down the road? Seriously, grow up and get a clue.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, the best revenge on a woman who steals your man is to let her have him. After all, real men can't be stolen.

If he cheats with you, he'll cheat ON you too.

I hope you get to be there to see it. :)

Wishing you love, happiness, and healing.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, the best revenge on a woman who steals your man is to let her have him. After all, real men can't be stolen.

This actually is very good advice. I feel that if I would have kicked my WH out on DDay and he went to be with the MOW I would not have suffered false R or the multiple broken NC's.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though this post was a small trigger for me, since I've done so much whining on SI, I also wanted to share where I am now on the OW aspect of the whole thing.

I've decided to remain in Never, Ever Land: I will Never contact Ow, I will never meet her, I will never be glad my children will meet her-if she is "around" long enough...I will never admit that she exists as a person and that she not only helped steal my husband away, but she "got him."

Nor, will I: Ever admit that she got a "good catch", that she is "better off than me", or that "her life will be better...or his better in the hell he created."

I am finally to the point where I think she's a fool, though, a stupid fool because she has a postage sized-stamp that he is not all the glitter he makes himself to be, but she...she keeps him.

I had a counselor a while ago that I did not always like or agree with, but I know I wasn't going to find BFF's and not always going to hear pretty things.

One thing she told me is that OW/OM are kind of a product of what a WS is doing...and lately I think that OW in the case of Perv/Peckerwood is in for a long, long ride. I'm finally not jealous of her anymore and I finally do not cry every time he drives away and I now know where he is going...it's more like a snake slithering back under the rock.

I have pity now, if either of them come to mind at all. Even if they do M...even if they do live through to old age "together"...they will forever have the knowledge of deceit they share in the ruin of a young girl and her mother and unborn child's life.

I and our children will be able to clean up our lives and minds and carry the knowledge that we hurt no one and will continue to do so.

I suffer and our child does as well, but we are now on the "other side"...OW is where we were and there is an OW junior, a child, he very quickly made a "relationship" with and bragged about.

This is a long letter, sorry, but a lot of work and thought to get this far. Thank you. Felt nice to write and re-read.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. Re. the cheating post: I can't agree more and have seen this done in Perv's case, yet, OW still keeps him. There was a rumor some time ago that they were considering an "open relationship", but ATST (At the same time) talking of M.

To me it was kind of like him asking for a license and she just a place to stay.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice, but too many words.

In my case, it was an OM. I always wanted to send him the clip from the end of Missouri Breaks where Jack Nicholson says to Marlon Brando:


"The reason you woke up, you SOB, is I just cut your throat."

Turns out I didn't have to do a thing, POSER is in his own personal End Days with Stage 4 Cancer. His hobby was fucking married women, claims to have done hundreds of them, including mine.

Karma bus, next stop.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wanttofeelwhole
♀ Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'm loathing OW at this time and this letter reminded me its not about them. That is why I cooks send this letter, as I'm sure many here could.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a two-fold for me. I can imagine the OM's BS sending this to my FWW. It's an ugly pill to swallow. I'd love however to redo this for OM. I just can't think this clear and write so good as to do one. Maybe I might.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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