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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New beginning day 2
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I arrived at my NB yesterday. Moved to a new city many many miles away from where I was.

I know this is the right move and today I am feeling excited and hopeful (although unpacking is a bit daunting) I am also very relieved to be free of in-house separation. However last night, after I got my son in bed, I ugly cried. Deep ugly sobbing. Is this normal? My emotions have flip-flopped so much this past month it is crazy. I feel bad for crying when I am finally free.... But there's so much more to overcome. This is just not how it was supposed to be. I was not supposed to raise my son alone.... I was not supposed to be alone.

Just need some validation and "you can do its" Thanks for listening/reading.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely what you are feeling is "normal". I did the same thing...packed up my kids and moved to a new city. It was wonderful and overwhelming all at the same time.

It was the first time in close to 20 years I was making "life" decisions by myself. I missed having a partner.

Now, I'm two years out. I'm in school, trying the life of OLD, I have great new friends and built a new life around myself. My kids are settled into a new life and overall we are going really, really well.

I had to learn to not look at all of the "problems" as a whole. I learned to break everything down and decide which problem needed attention first...so I really only focused on one thing at a time.

1. Move
2. Settle kids
3. Get House in Order
4. Make New Friends
5. Start School
6. Find "myself" (hobbies...OLD)

I knew that I had to tackle everything, but I allowed myself time to figure it out. I've learned to protect myself first, I don't allow people in my life that suck my emotional reserves, I have close friends that support me.

You can totally do this!! Totally. Know that it will be a roller coaster and shock somedays...but just keep moving forward.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you cmego. Great advice and it helps knowing someone else has managed this and that feeling excited and overwhelmed at once is normal. These days I can feel pretty abnormal!

My priorities list is very similar to yours except I have find job instead of school (have a degree already). However due to awesome family and spousal support payments I can put that on hold for a while so "find myself" will come before that and continue when I start job searching.

I've gotten this far, I'll manage the rest and I now have a beautiful new city to do it in. Scary yet hopeful. Thank you again cmego. Your post is exactly what I needed right now!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenDaisy)))

I understand how you feel darlin! I tried to do everything in the right order....dated....was engaged a while...got married....finished college... and was ready to start having kids when my XWH cheated on me. He left me and we ultimately got divorced. Then, I met my daughter's sperm donor who I dated almost a year when I found out I was pregnant. (complete surprise! not planned!) I had to finally leave him when I was pregnant and went almost the whole pregnancy alone and now raise her alone. She will be 1 this Saturday. Its heartbreaking to not have the family that I pictured when I finally had a child.... but we have to be strong and carry on. I still believe things happen for a reason....and I'm hopeful for the future! Hang in there! Just know you aren't alone!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do it. Look forward, not back.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Survivor3512
♀ Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenDaisy))) You can do this! For real!

Everything we have been through is hard. But, it does get better. When I first moved into my new house after the D, I cried like a baby. Like you, it wasn't what I had imagined or hoped for. But, as time went on, I got used to the idea and now I love where I am. I've started dating- which can be exhausting- but it's also been great. My kids and I are in our routines now and life is simple and happy.

You will get there! Just take deep breaths and keep pushing forward.


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh shoot, just sit down and make a list of everything that's happened to you recently and you'll give yourself license to cry it all out.

Eventually it will stop, but you gotta get it out girl!

Congratulations on busting a move to somewhere exciting. Happy for you.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for answering my call for validation. It's night time again and my son is in bed so the sadness is back. I guess this will be my thing to do at night for a while. I just thought I was done shedding tears over a man that doesn't deserve them but I guess it's still tears for the life and man I thought I had and the dreams and hopes lost. Coupled with fears of the unknown. I know I am on the right track. I just need to keep going.

The day was good though. Had so much fun with my son exploring the area. I can see this is a place where you can easily find peace.

@Shelly. Thank you! And Congratulations on your daughter almost turning one. Such a big milestone! And a child is one awesome new beginning (imo anyway) My son is only a few months older and the light of my life. Reminds me every day to find joy in the small things (his excitement and happiness is contagious) Enjoy Saturday!


You can do it. Look forward, not back.

Great motto.

@survivor. Thank you for sharing. It helps knowing this is a normal reaction and that it really does get better. It's just not fun being so out of control of your feelings! I thought I was past this part of extreme emotional shifts but this past month has been very up and down again!

@FF such good points. Thank you. I probably am trying to rush the healing again. I'll give myself permission to feel what I feel and just do my best.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BD, have you read Journey from Abandonment to Healing? It's very helpful at this stage.

Letting go is the hardest part.

It took me forever to reach acceptance, so don't beat yourself up if you don't get there right away.

Big hugs!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I already have one degree, but I decided to switch careers to something more fiscally stable....I literally have changed almost all areas of my life. The only thing that stayed consistent is being a Mom.

I also suggest surrounding yourself with like-minded friends. The women I have met that are very much "Oh...poor me! I just need a man...someone to save me!" tend to drain my emotional reserves. It is great being able to talk to people who understand, but they also need to support you when you need it.

I also restarted therapy after I moved. I found a great therapist just for me.

I also love the quote, "Don't stumble over something behind you."


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I haven't FF. I'll definitely get it.

Cmego I take my hat off to you because I have no idea how I'd study inbetween everything too. The degree I have is for a fulfilling job but it doesn't pay much so it would probably be better if I got another degree but that just feels so impossible and overwhelming. I have been out of the work force for quite some time (stbxwh doing) so I don't even feel confident that I can do my job or get hires. It's a huge worry for me and causes quite a lot of anxiety.

I have a psychologist that my previous IC suggested (oh I wish I could've moved my IC here with me!)I will contact the new one as soon as the unpacking is done and I'm settled and have a plan how I'll manage to see her (can't take my son with). I would love to meet like minded people especially people who have the same parenting style and belief system as I do but I'm an odd one out and don't know how to find people like me. I'm feeling very much like an outsider and freak of nature. My son is also still very little and at a very clingy stage I don't want to upset his world more by disappearing and leaving him with a nanny so I can go to a therapist. I think that would just be too much on top of everything at this stage. I need to go to IC I know and will make it my priority to figure out how after the unpacking is done. One thing at a time. Sorry I am feeling so overwhelmed. Nights are very tough. Very very tough and feels like it's worse every night... I'm thinking too far ahead and freaking myself out because it's too many unknowns and too much pressure. I just need to take one thing at a time.

This is less to do with stbx and more to do with my fear of failure and lack of self esteem and immense sense of responsibility to do right by my child. I do feel alone and like an outsider too but mostly I am just so overwhelmed by all I need to accomplish. Ugh! My mantra: you can do this. You can do this!

Thanks again for listening and taking the time to encourage me. It means everything to me currently!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the same way...SAHM for close to 8 years at S, now I'm at the 10 year mark. Knowing I had a few years of full Spousal Support, I decided to go back to school. I chose Paralegal partially because I have a very good, American Bar Association accredited school here. I did the research and knew with my background and 2 degrees under my belt, I will be very marketable.

It is tough, no doubt. When I was interviewing with the department head, I asked her what was the key to the successful students? (The program only has a 20% graduation rate....) She said, "The students who have determination." Well, I have that!

I didn't start school until 6 months after I moved. Nothing was immediate. I took the time to do research, I researched job market, future job growth, schools and combined that with my strengths and interest. ( I like to research...which also makes me an ideal paralegal :) Legal Research was my favorite class!) I made no decisions on the fly.

As for friends, I chose a neighborhood with a dense, young population for instant friends. There are several single Moms (and a few Dad's) in my 'hood, and we are surrounded by a very large family community. I have two good friends on my street. I also joined MeetUp, and found one for single parents and one for divorce/separation. I made another really close girlfriend via MeetUp (and dated another single Dad I met too...). But that...took almost 9 months to find all of that.

The stronger you are, the stronger you will be for your son. If you need to take an hour or two a week for yourself to attend therapy, recharge your batteries, go to the grocery store...than it is well worth paying a sitter. If you burn out, your son will suffer.

I am an introvert, so social things are very difficult for me. Sometimes it is overwhelming, being a single mom, own a home, in school with no other support. I admit I take a sleeping medication every night and have since d-day. (nothing "heavy", the sleep aid that Nyquil has out now). I have to have sleep in order to handle all of my responsibilities...if I get addicted to the sleep aid...so be it. Small price to pay to have all of the balls in the air without one dropping.

You can do this. One step at a time. Don't think about anything else except unpacking for now.

Oh...and find a sitter! I used Care.com.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again cmego. You really give me lots of hope! Wow you're really a perfect example for me. I take my hat off to you. I'll have to work on my self confidence for sure and remember to take it slow, one thing at a time!

In my country there is unfortunately not so many support groups and meet up sites and single parenting is looked down upon A LOT but I am trying to research. I chose a house close to parks so I think I may be able to meet some people at the park at first. I'll figure it out. In daytime I feel all is possible. At night my resolve wavers! And there must be some type of meetups somewhere in the city!

The stronger you are, the stronger you will be for your son. If you need to take an hour or two a week for yourself to attend therapy, recharge your batteries, go to the grocery store...than it is well worth paying a sitter. If you burn out, your son will suffer.

I need to reread this often. You're right.

I am an introvert, so social things are very difficult for me. Sometimes it is overwhelming, being a single mom, own a home, in school with no other support. I admit I take a sleeping medication every night and have since d-day. (nothing "heavy", the sleep aid that Nyquil has out now). I have to have sleep in order to handle all of my responsibilities...if I get addicted to the sleep aid...so be it. Small price to pay to have all of the balls in the air without one dropping.

Me too! An introvert and nerdy so deadly combination, lol. I can't take sleeping pills because I am still breastfeeding my son but I fully agree a good night sleep is very important.

I'll try and find a good nanny company/services here somewhere and just bite the bullet at some stage

You can do this. One step at a time. Don't think about anything else except unpacking for now.

I'll try and not overthink it all and focus on this alone for now (and on my son of course)

Thank you cmego!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is normal and you can do this!

When I picked up the keys to the apartment we are in now I laid on the floor and cried for an hour before I could get myself together enough to drive back to my house before the kids came home from school. 1 month later when the movers finished packing up our home I ugly-cried all the way to our new apartment 40 minutes away. I was a hot mess by the time I got there. Thank God the movers got there 20 minutes after me.

All of this mess is sad as hell. The asshole Wayward doesn't have to deal with someone else turning their lives upside down. What happened is largely due to their inability to handle life without destroying everything in it.

But soon you will rebuild and it will be better and with a stronger foundation. The POS who turned everything on it's head won't have that kind of power anymore.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 14

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