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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Take the high road or ??
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You and your bh bought the businuss that your former AP son works for. How is that this "teenagers" fault and how is that his parents "letting" him be around YOU? This is/was this young mans job. I think its flippant and dismissive for you or anyone else to say "fire him he will get over it" and the stance of you being the employer so who cares what the employee thinks...well hell I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOUR EMPLOYEE!!!

You brought this "crazy train" into your life. Its not just going to disappear. You really have no idea what goes on in your AP house or with his BW.

I feel bad for this young man...no wonder he gives you the stank eye. Duh...


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who are you to dictate or judge how your former AP and his BW choose to handle his "Affairs"? Im just saying.

It just seems to me you are acting as if you are so much better and how they choose to deal with their marriage and the infidelities is so bad. It just feels like your demonizing the bw and judging her and your AP son. Hello! You screwed her wh and you screwed the sons Dad. You have no idea how they feel. So what your not the guys "only" AP. doesn't minimize your part in it all.

You need to do the right thing. So look inside yourself and figure it out.


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has nothing to with the son!!!!! It's not a matter of whether he needs the job, is paying for his father's transgressions, if he needs money for college, or ANY other reason.

It's about OP and her BS. That is all.

The fact that she even started this thread means that she is thinking about the AP. Every time she sees the son she will think about the AP. How many of you could see an AP's child, or spouse, every day and not think about the AP????

No chance that is happening with me. No contact means NO CONTACT, mental or physical.

Does it suck for the kid? Yes. It does. But guess what? Life sucks sometimes.

The obligation here is to yourself and to your BS. Period.

Let the kid go and move on with your reconciliation.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it suck for the kid? Yes. It does. But guess what? Life sucks sometimes.

The obligation here is to yourself and to your BS. Period.

Let the kid go and move on with your reconciliation.

Agree 100%. This teen isn't responsible for paying a mortgage, putting food on the table for a family. Can him.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with Skan.

If this kid was giving you "the stink eye" BEFORE you bought the business then I would bet it's not going get any better.

Also, if his family has such drama, your lives, and business, can get talked about to the whole family.

As a business owner, although not a WS, I have to say the tension that situation would cause would make me just not rehire him. Are there others that you may not rehire? Check with your state, but since you are the new owners, and rehiring, I don't see how it can be discrimination if he hasn't actually "worked for YOU". I don't know of any state that demands you keep every employee you ever hire!

I am sorry your BS has to be caught between a rock and a hard place. For me, having people, I don't see, talking about me is a hell of a lot less stressful than having to see ANY reminders on a daily basis.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunflowergirl - thank you for your perspective. I don't think I ever said I felt any of this was the teenagers 'fault', nor have I stated we intend to casually fire them. I posed the question looking for opinions - that's all. My BH has determined that he can deal with the trigger of seeing this person, so we are bringing them on board. Fortunately, the job is temporary and seasonal, so they will likely be gone in a month, just like all the other people in the same job.

I'm not sure how anything I've written is minimizing my role in this mess, but you are entitled to your opinion. Also, i'm proud of the boundaries my BH and I have mutually agreed upon, and it has really helped us redefine what WE feel are healthy relationships. If FAP and his BW are embracing an open relationship and expose their kids to that, we could care less, but we do NOT want those lifestyle choices forced on us. We want to remain NC with anyone associated with them, even if they do not share that same boundary.

My biggest concern in this situatiion is my BH (not the teenager) - so I am following his wishes, which is to just take the high road and let the teenager's job follow it's normal path, assuming they are a competent worker.

However, I do agree that if this ends up triggering my BH or causing a problem with R, or if we feel the employee is there for dubious reasons or undermining the business, we will have to immediately rethink this situation.

Thanks again for taking the time to express your thoughts!


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
bluewater
♂ Member
Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your feelings on the matter. I really do. And honestly I can't begin to fathom OM's and his BW's being comfortable with interacting with his OWomen and their families.

But how would you feel if it was YOUR child who was affected in this or a similar manner by your actions? How would you feel if one of your children or even your husband were to be made to pay for your actions?

I agree with the posters who said that the kid has done nothing wrong and should not be made to pay for your and his father's actions.

But in the end it is your business and your decision.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Jan 2006
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluewater - thank you for your questions. I know exactly how I would feel because I am living it. My child's life was impacted, and my BH has paid dearly for my bad and selfish choices. He is still paying for them, as this post explains. We live in a really small town and FAP's BW told everyone we knew and most of the town on my DDay. I wish I would have been the only one to suffer the consequences, but my BH was humiliated beyond belief, had to take a leave from his brand new job, and any mention or sighting of the FAP is still like a dagger to him. So yes, he is paying for my actions. Something I acknowledge and atone for every single day.

This new business is a tangible sign of our new life together and our committment to one another. It sucks for all of us that the shadow of the A is hanging over it

What I don't get is this. FAP's BW has made it crystal clear what she thinks of me, my shortcomings, and my lack of character. I understand her perspective, it is basically the same way we feel about her WS. Given all her well-expressed disgust for me, why would she allow me anywhere near her kid? She even threatened me if I ever came near her kids, yet all of a sudden I'm fit to be the kid's boss? How does this changing of the mind occur for a BS? I know my BH would NEVER allow my child in the same room as FAP (justifiably so). Can anyone explain?

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by Happeningtome at 8:48 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think to fire the teenager would not be fair. I also can see problems because of how his parents have handled the A. My advice is to make sure you have legitimate and documented reasons to let him go. All you need is a wrongful termination/discrimination lawsuit or paying additional unemployment taxes. The poster who told you to consult your state's labor laws is something to not ignore. It could cost you more than just being uncomfortable keeping him employed.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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