The decree modification litigation my ex brought against me in October 2012 is *finally* resolved, and I have a question for those of you paying and/or receiving child support.
Prior to this litigation, my ex paid me child support that we agreed on (in 2010 when we divorced) which, at the time, was slightly more than the state standard formula for 3 kids. I voluntarily paid for their medical insurance, he assisted with private school tuition (not quite half, but close), we split summer camps, and he assisted as I asked (which wasn't often) with school supplies and sports. It was fairly amicable, financially speaking.
He sued me in Oct 2012 after marrying OW with a HOST of modification issues (I did not know it was coming). Over the course of the proceedings, my lawyer discovered that he was now UNDERpaying me child support according to our state's law (he had since started at a new job with a BIG jump in salary). My lawyer also said that I should not be paying medical insurance as the custodial parent. In the course of negotiations, my ex refused to agree to split their private school tuition with me (he makes 2.5x my salary - I am a teacher at the school and get them 75% aid with my position - he refuses to split the remaining), as well as anything beyond OOP medical expenses. My lawyer felt I would lose these issues if it went to a judge, and frankly, I didn't have the money to gamble and find out.
So, with our litigation now resolved, ex has informed me that since he has to pay SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT (again, he pays our state mandated formula) and their medical insurance (state law), he refuses to assist me financially with anything else. I am now responsible for all sports, activities, school supplies, school costs, etc, etc, etc.
Most of my divorced friends have ex husbands who contribute to their children's costs above and beyond child support and medical. I'm wondering if my ex is unusual in refusing to pay anything else or if most of you deal with this.
Edited to add: although, if I was financially strapped and couldn't afford the 55.00 for summer basketball league, I would ask for it. No reason my child should have to skip this activity that she's done since the 1st grade (we're talking 10 years!) just because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants!
[This message edited by LadyQ at 10:53 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
I guess the part I'm struggling with is that I DO pay for so much without complaint/asking (including over $12,000 just in their school tuition), and he makes a ridiculous amount more than me, but feels that child support should cover everything.
Thanks for the feedback.
He pays zero above and beyond that. No camps, school trips, nothing. I have asked the schools for scholarships for certain field trips once in awhile.
And when I get reimbursement for medical copays it is to the penny. There's no rounding up.
At this time he is not paying me the 50% medical. My lawyer is trying to get the medical portion calculated differently because of the obvious income disparity. While that negotiation continues STBX refuses to pay even 50%.
He won't cough up a penny more for the kids as a rule. So my kids get no camps, no activities of any kind, no sports. Normally he will not feed them anything when he has them for visitation, even though they're with him for hours through the dinner hour. He says that's what the child support is for. If they are lucky he'll spring for a pack of French fries at Mickey D's and a coke. When I've asked for help with things like back to school expenses he refuses.
chika - I completely agree that your suggestion of how to approach the conversation is the best way. That's actually very similar to how I constructed the private school tuition conversation ("we have always agreed that due to the state we live in, private school is important, and since I am able to get them a $75000 topnotch education for a fraction of the cost, I'm hoping you're willing to meet me halfway in providing for our kids..." etc). Unfortunately, since marrying the OW, his stance has changed on everything.
But hopefully you're right, and with some time, he'll contribute more.
The CS is garnished because he stopped paying it. He's supposed to pay 80% of medical and childcare expenses. He doesn't though. Hasn't paid so much as a penny in 5 years.
I couldn't get him to agree to any other expenses. In my state he's only obligated for medical and childcare.
Though a few times in court he offered to pay for school supplies. This was a few days before or after school started. I had already bought them. I told his attorney he could reimburse me for some of the supplies. He never did.
I only asked for what I was legally entitled to and what I was pretty sure a judge would give me.
It is what it is.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
Normally he will not feed them anything when he has them for visitation
LOL...I thought this just happened in my world.
He also feels what he pays ($195 ever two weeks) is PLENTY to raise 2 kids on.
Not only that....I have had to supply HIS house with items the kids need (think bed pillow and shampoo). When DS bed pillow went missing (ironically the same time Ex's new GF moved in)....I had to buy another pillow. Nice that I get to supply his GF's pillows too, huh?
Sorry - no help but wanted to let you know I hear ya!
As a side note, POS is unemployed and our dissolution hasn't gone before a judge yet so it could change from a legal standpoint. However, POS has been unemployed for over a year (intentionally resigned from a good paying job) and I have provided all financial support since then anyway, so I am used to it right now. Anything he "might" contribute would be a bonus at this point!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
He doesn't have clothes, toys, or beds for them at his house. He has an air mattress he blows up in the living room, an air mattress I bought, and he doesn't always feed them, often guilts them for needing to eat at all and tells them it is too expensive and that's why he's poor. I supply absolutely everything, and then he ridicules and criticizes it to the kids, because, I did supply nice things, for them to bring back home, and the things would go "missing" then show up in a garage sale. Now, it's wal-mart and Dollar store stuff for his house, and he tells them that the stuff I buy is crap and I don't take care of them like I should.
His wages had gotten garnished, so he quit and found a job where he would get paid under the table.
I don't think your ex is unusual. Sadly.
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
[This message edited by Weatherly at 2:55 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
I also proposed that Ex pay for 1/2 of "extra" expenses like camp, sports, school activites, prom, insurance premium for young driver, etc. He initally balked at that. Fortunately his lawyer told him this was was "standard". So we put it in our decree.
I suspect though that it's only "standard" for NCPs who care about being - or being perceived as - "good" parents. I am afraid that your lawyer is right that a judge won't make him pay. Sorry about that.
That said, I think it's extremely common for fathers to pay a share of private school in cases where the children were going there before the divorce. Your lawyer would know better than me, but if he has been paying that all along, I kind of suspect that a judge might order him to keep paying.
This may not help you since you are a teacher and probably not employed during the summer, but for those who are, summer camp counts as a child care expense for children under 13. In my state, the NCP would have to pay a share of it.
I will say my stbx does pay. He is jerk about little stuff though like he wouldn't buy her toothpaste for his house and I finally sent over the kind DD likes.
We were going to set up a joint account in which we each paid x amount per month based on the 85/15 percentage to cover these sorts of things, as well as instrument rentals, sports and school fees etc but he still hasn't gone to the bank to set it up like he said he would.
I've used this to route money to my daughter's personal checking account. When she's away at school, this allows me to send her spending money, "I'm thinking of you" money, or emergency funds (so far unecessary) within 24hrs.
I can put money INTO her account, but I cannot withdraw or view transactions on her account since it isn't mine.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Our paperwork shows that EX is to pay 1/2 of the after school daycare expenses of DS11.
I pay for everything else. Clothes, school supplies, birthday parties, football, baseball, etc...
EX will often ask how much a sport costs, and will include 1/2 of the price in his next CS payment.
He is not required to do so.
I consider CS to cover the expenses of the kids, so I don't often make requests to help with extra expenses. Luckily EX will take note of some expenses and help me out.
He makes twice as much as me, but he had to keep the house and his expenses are more than mine.