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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated
NedsBones
♀ New Member
Member # 40132
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out Sunday morning that my WH was cheating. At first he said it was only the first time. Of course I knew he was lying. Later the next night he admitted to 3 instances of infidelity. Again, lying. After he gave me access to his email account, I discovered that he's been meeting up with women met through Craigslist, Skout, and I suppose other apps which I don't know about yet. I was able to find yet another email account he was hiding, and it is dedicated entirely to videos, chats, pictures, and planning with women he meets with.
He's had copious amounts of unprotected sex with strangers, and then of course with me. In all cases he told these women that he was married, but that our relationship was open and he was allowed to do this.
He's paid for hotel rooms with our family's money, as well as taken these women to our family's vacation homes, and spent money on them on Saturday nights out.
I suppose I'm coming to terms with the fact that he is a serial cheater. While he hasn't formed any "romantic" relationships, there have been more than a few girls who he seems to like seeing more than once, and who he is in regular contact with.
I am just as betrayed by the things he's said to them as the things they've done together. He's talked about his life (though often lies), he's used details of my personality and personal life and passed them off as his own, he's claimed to miss these women when they're not around, or when he drives past the places they meet.
I don't trust my own emotions at the moment. To start, I hate him and everything he's done to me. He's put my body at risk of STDs. My body was his to enjoy under a certain set of conditions (fidelity being at the top of that list), and when he took my body while lying about his behavior, he violated it. I feel so violated when I think of every time we've had sex. I am so angry about what this may mean for our son.
And that brings me to my other feelings. If no one knew about this secret life of his, you would assume we had the perfect marriage. We really did. Mutual respect and admiration, a great sex life, support for one another's interests. And we're super parents together, too. We're both really proud of how we're raising our son, and the support we've given each other has allowed each of us to grow into parents that we're proud to be.
I just want my life back. I really felt like all the pieces had fallen into place for me, and I was ready to just cruise through life with the man of my dreams, making babies and being awesome.
He says he's sorry, and I do truly believe him. He says he loves me, and that this has nothing to do with his satisfaction in me or our marriage. I believe all of that. He's been doing this since he was 18 (now both 31), so I do think it's just a serial behavior and not indicative of a failing marriage.
We've always been so open and honest about so many things with each other. Things which are embarrassing, hurtful, painful memories, and even things which would make the other person mad. We've discussed many times in our marriage, rather smugly, that we're so rock solid because of this total honesty and respect we share for each other.
I don't know if I can rebuild with someone who has not only omitted truths, but looked me in the eye and deceived me.
I don't know if he can even stop this behavior. It's been going on for 13 years, through every girlfriend he's had, and me.
Please give me feedback. Anything. I'm reeling here.


Me BW (31)
Him WH (31)
Married 4 years, coupled 5 years
3 year old son
DDay 7/28/2013 6:14 am

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find yourself here.

Time to take care of business now. See a lawyer so you know what your rights are. Take half the money and put it in an account only you can access. He will not be thinking about your best interests anymore. Kick him out if you can. Give yourself time to think. Eat. Drink, Sleep, Breathe.

You are in a for a ride. Take care of yourself and your children now. He won't be.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want my life back. I really felt like all the pieces had fallen into place for me, and I was ready to just cruise through life with the man of my dreams, making babies and being awesome.

Ditto. We were making plans to expand our family, and buy a house next year. We need a new car (the one we have was mine from before the marriage) and I agreed to get the one he wanted (a Dodge truck). Now I feel so confused and betrayed and I just want to feel normal again. It suck when someone takes off your rose-colored glasses and stomps the shit out of them. For me (and I imagine many of us on SI), I don't think that I will ever wear those glasses again. Even if I can finad happiness again one day, I sure as hell won't ever be fooled into thinking my life is as great as it appears to be.

Hang in there, and post often. People here will comfort you, but they were probably also tell you things you don't want to hear, so be prepared for that.

It's been 4 days since I confronted my husband, and I finally got some half-assed remorse (guilt?) out of him yesterday, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't ended his relationship with the OW like he said he did.

I hope things work our for you, whichever way they end up going. ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NedsBones, welcome. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to come find us. I'm so happy that you DID find us, for support. You are going to need all the support that you can get because just from what you've said so far, it is very likely that your WH is a sex addict. And as with any other kind of addiction, that's a special breed of neediness and acting out.

I woudl encourage you to go to this link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid498627&ap301 which is a special thread for BSs whose WS may be or is sexually addicted. These people have been through the fires and can help you from the get-go. Please. Go talk to them for support. There's a lot of "normal" stuff that we tell people in the JFO forum, but you are going to need additional support and suggestions in your situation.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
NedsBones
♀ New Member
Member # 40132
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to check out the link for sex addicts, but I get a message that my upgrade level doesn't allow it, or something to that effect. I'd really like to see the forum.


Me BW (31)
Him WH (31)
Married 4 years, coupled 5 years
3 year old son
DDay 7/28/2013 6:14 am

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neds,

The Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts threads can be found as a link under the I Can Relate (ICR) section from the main page - it is a thread topic itself, not a forum. Try following this link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498627

You shouldn't need premium status to participate in it.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
NedsBones
♀ New Member
Member # 40132
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found it, thank you.


Me BW (31)
Him WH (31)
Married 4 years, coupled 5 years
3 year old son
DDay 7/28/2013 6:14 am

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 7

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