We are now split of course. She took my heart and the dog. She was the greatest person to ever happen to me and it's just so hard to let her go. I admit that I got lost in my pain and shut everyone out family and her. I gained weight, didn't talk to anyone, and lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I hadn't spoken to her for a over a month. Within that time I just got on my grind. I started working out. I reflected a lot and realized exactly what emotions she was going through all of this. She just wanted me to acknowledge her. To show her I cared and I still had that passion for her. She wanted to see if I could overcome the pain and be her man again.
I seen her this past weekend at an art show that her brother was having. Let me through this out there. She was religious, her family is really religious. They loved me with all of there hearts and seen the change in me also. They noticed that i went into a bubble. When her family found out what happened they sort of shut her out. They believed that marriage is through sickness and health. Well all of her family ended up being on my side. I had lost 25 lbs every single person of her family was shocked in how good i looked and seemed. So I ended up pulling her to the side and talking to her. I just put it out there. I didn't say that I want her to forgive me or that I was sorry. I was overly apologetic when she told me everything. I just told her that I had been reflecting on how I made her feel. In detail, that I made her feel insecure and not loved and that built into shell to avoid me. I got the response of "I'm glad that your looking good." "Why couldn't you have done this before.". She tells me that she hates the fact that her family now still likes me more than her. I told her that my family misses her so much. She started crying saying that she can't reach out to them because she knows they know. She said that she is moving forward.
I love my wife so much. It's so hard to forgive myself for locking myself up in a shell and putting out the only person i ever cared in this world for. I couldn't stand seeing her feel so sad. I just told her that she is a strong woman. The strongest woman I know. If anyone could get through this it would be her. I want my wife back!!!!! I know she is still seeing this other man. I am fighting though!!! I want to tell her that I don't want our old relationship back. I want to start a new one. To prove that I am the man she fell in love with and I promise that I can be better than my best at being her man and husband. Please!!! Any advice will help.
I still have the pains but I see them as an enemy that ruined my life. So I see them as an enemy that i have to conquer. I used them as a crutch for so long now I use it as my strength.
You may have gotten absorbed in your illness but how did she support you? My FWH and I went through some of this only I am the one who is sick. I also went into a "bubble". I was told I was crzy and he started acting like I was. Did she support you through all of this? I mean emotional? Did she sort of get fed up with you and your problem? Somewhere through all your medical stuff she changed her attitude towards you. My H did and then he had an A/ Then he kept it from me for seven years to keep from hurting me. We are working or trying to patch our M up.
Where is she living? Can you ask her to dinner at a neutral place to talk? Have you suggested MC? Have you gone to IC? I have and am going back. I did not make my H have an A and you did not maker your WW have an A. That was their choice.Her asking you " Why couldn't you have done this before?" is her way of not accepting responsibilty for the A. It is her fault, not yours. Keep working on getting better.
Again I would suggest MC and IC for both of you. Ask her to go NC with the OM.
I shut everyone out in my family and the worst part about it is that I shut her out. I didn't realize how selfish I was being when I did this.
Maybe you were selfish, I'll take your word for that. But not nearly as selfish as this:
she has been having an affair behind my back for about 4 months.
Not even close. You were trying to get through debilitating pain. Maybe you acted like an ass at times, but chronic severe pain tends to do that to people.
She was pretty much taking care of me.
As well she should. She's your wife, it's the obligation she took on. Her family had this right:
They believed that marriage is through sickness and health.
It's not just her family's belief, that's been the standard through the ages. That's why we marry, to find a partner to navigate through life with, through good and bad.
Gently, I know you are hurting. But unless there's more to the story than what you've posted, your wife's behavior is terrible. Basically, she loved the "good" you but dropped the "bad" you (bad in the sense of not being Mr. Fun anymore, through no fault of your own) like a hot potato. Talk about a fair weather friend. And she's your wife.
Yet you see yourself as the selfish one, and her as a "strong woman." She's not strong, she's weak. And she gave into her weakness and is acting like a selfish brat. Her family obviously can see that, but you can't yet because you are desperate to get her back.
Be careful what you wish for. She has a lot of growing up to do before she even comes close to earning her way back into your life. For starters, she needs to go NC (no contact) with the OM (other man). Anything less should be a dealbreaker for you.
Please read the Healing Library and find the part about doing the 180. I'll edit this post in a sec and give you a link. Best wishes. Sorry you found yourself here friend, but I know from experience that you'll get a lot of help from the good folks here.
ETA: Here's the link, see Question No. 11:
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:17 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
She just seemed so hurt by me. She told me that she went for the other guy because i wasn't giving her what she wanted. I have not kept any contact with her. When I had seen her it had been about a month from any contact what so ever. I know if I text her she would more than likely text back but the last thing she asked me for was her space. So that is what i have been giving her. I'm seeing a therapist and they insist that I give her time and not make any contact. The therapist insisted that i didn't make any contact with her at the art show. I know that i have already changed myself in a big way. I'm a heck of a lot more independant. I still think that i'm not there mentally though. I feel as if i need to be right in my head. I'm trying to build myself a lot more confidence. She did also tell me that she had been want to leave several months ago. I believe she is still seeing this other person though. I feel as if there is no hope. I won't feel right about myself if i don't at least try.
[This message edited by lostsoul214 at 6:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:15 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Never be afraid of the truth
Hello, and welcome to SI. I'm glad you have found us, but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
It sounds like you really have been through so much.
The sickness that you had, and the subsequent withdrawal was difficult for your wife, I am sure. But that is 100% no excuse for her to go outside of the marriage, forsake her marital vows, and betray you, herself, and everyone else in your family and hers. That is 100% on her. Please don't try to blame yourself for that.
I think the best thing I could advise is to continue seeing your therapist, continue improving yourself, and continue working on you. It sounds like you've already made some tremendous progress in this department. Keep at it.
Gently, I do agree with your therapist saying to give her space. Try not to use this time to constantly thing about your wife. Use this time to do things that you enjoy. Things that continue to increase your self confidence, and provide you with inner validation.
Also, keep in mind that you can't control her actions. You can't change her. I know it's hard to get into that mindset, but it's the truth. The only thing you can control is you.
Right now, the most important person in your life is you, and that's who you need to take care of right now. If things do work out, and your wife comes back to reconcile, that is icing on the cake. Regardless of that happening or not, I want you to thrive. I know you can.
Also, keep this at the forefront of your thoughts: you WILL survive this, no matter what.
Sending you strength... hang in there, brother.
Betrayal is a trauma. After a trauma occurs, one of the first things we do is look for the reason. Why did this happen? Gently, it happened because she made a choice. She chose to become involved with someone else. She chose to break her own vows - the vows she made to you. There's something profoundly broken in all this, but it isn't you. It isn't your fault, lostsoul, no matter what she says. The circumstances may have been difficult, but millions of people have critically ill spouses and challenging situations and aren't getting their needs met, but they choose healthy ways of dealing with it. Counseling, communication, or even separation and divorce. Those are choices made from a place of respect for the promises you have made and the person you made them to, as well as respect for yourself. Having an affair? There's no self-respect there. There's nothing healthy on that path. That's avoidance, not coping.
Everyone else is right - you need to put your focus on yourself right now. Your wife may come out of the fog, or she may be lost for good. But YOU cannot change her path. You cannot wake her up or make her work on her issues. That's her row to hoe.
Sending you strength.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Sorry that you find yourself in a place like this. It is obvious that you feel like you are fighting a lost battle.
As much as you may not want to hear this right now, I have to say it straight-up---You have to learn to let go of the outcome as it pertains to your wife. That is something that you have zero control over. Sorry.
What you have to do, if you want to be happy, healthy, and safe for yourself and a partner in the future, is to work on yourself. I am sure that is not that answer that you are looking for right now, but it is 100% accurate.
You admit that you gave up on yourself before, and shut your wife out. I have no doubt that this is true, and that is your burden to bear. You have no one to blame but yourself for that, as a marriage is a partnership...a journey...that the two of you experience as a team. You shut her out of that, and she distanced herself emotionally from you. That would be the expected scenario in that description. And that part, as tough as it is, I fully understand.
But that does not change the fact that she was 100% wrong in her handling of the marriage from that point on. Nowhere, EVER, is it acceptable to have an affair while still married to you. Never. It doesn't matter is she was detached, or moved out of the marital home---she knew it was wrong. And that is why she kept it a secret from you.
Do not let your poor marital behavior justify hers.
We don't get do-overs. We can't turn back time. But what we can do is learn from our mistakes, and work actively to make healthy changes so these do not reoccur. The fact that you are improving yourself, and working past your pain are both admirable and necessary. But don't do it for the sole reason of trying to win your wife back. That would be an unhealthy reason. There is nothing wrong from wanting a chance at a new relationship with your wife, but you have to learn to accept that this may not happen. And if so--what are you going to do?
If your answer is to continue that path to self improvement, then that is the correct answer. Getting stuck in the past---or present---is not going to help you down the road...believe me...I tried that route without much success. You have to learn to like yourself again first, then the other pieces will fall into place.
This is a long road. It will have many ups and downs to it. But if you can learn to approach it with the correct mindset, you will realize that you can enjoy life again---with or without your wife.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I've been working my ass off for myself.
There's the hit!!! It's for yourself. It's to make you feel better about yourself. The only way to gain self esteem is by doing esteemable things. Like taking care of yourself and healing yourself and growing stronger. Its not where you were that counts but where you are going. The goal is to be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself "l am proud of who you are TODAY!" That is the real treasure.
Anything else outside of you that comes along with that is just a bonus.
Keep your eye on the prize. And the prize is you.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Then go see an attorney and let her know you have done so. She is in the fog right now, and the only way to bring her out of that if possible is the fear of losing you. If she does not care, then nothing will bring her back.
Begging and showing weakness to a person still in the fog is the worst thing you can do.
So sorry you are going through this pain, and you may have made lots of mistakes and maybe you even deserved to have you wife divorce you. BUT you did not deserve for your wife to have an affair. She took the most destructive path possible to make herself happy and also the most selfish.
Good luck and keep posting. You will get support, love, and advice, here.
After she told me that she had the affair and that she was leaving. I turned super needy and didn't want her to go. She asked me why I was torturing myself.
[This message edited by lostsoul214 at 5:54 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]