I have been thinking about the idea that for 3 years he "had his cake and ate it too." That just doesn't seem fair, and of course nothing about an affair is fair. He had 3 years of fun, erotic, exciting times while I worked my ass off to take care of our 3 children and maintain my business. I didn't get to do that. I didn't get to have all that fun!
What do you tell yourself to fell better about this. It's not like I wanted to have an affair, but I would have liked to have the option of an open marriage, instead of the secrets and lies.
We also just got back from a trip to Seattle and I had many triggers. His long term AP was asian and I thought I saw her everywhere I went.
I feel like I am going backwards.
Sorry you had all those trigger. My FWH's AP looked like a younger version of me. I have changed my hair color and style so I can look in the mirror. I have also aged more.
You said that you didn't get to have all the fun he did. Would you really want to have that type of fun??? How would you feel about yourself if you did that?
I make myself feel better reminding myself I kept my vows and counting the blessings I have. You have 3 children and ran your own business. I find that amazing. You can tell yourself about your children and your business and be proud of yourself.
Lastly I would tell you everybody here calls this a rollercoaster ride. I add from he!! and be kind to yourself.
I don't know how to deal with that either, sorry. Our MC says I have to learn to live with the fact that it'll never be fair and that I have to learn to forgive.
The MC recognizes that it'll take a very long time for me to reach forgiveness, but apparently the only way my feelings of unfairness will go away is if I get curious about why my WW had her A, understand her faulty logic (without agreeing or accepting it) and then love her enough to forgive her.
Tall task considering she nitpicked our relationship to justify her A after d-day. At least she stopped doing that.
Sigh...I feel like I'm going backwards, too.
I especially feel it is unfair because I had only been with one other person before getting married, while my WH (who is 12 years older) had already been with like 30 women. So, really?? Didn't he have enough experiences to get a good idea of what's out there? He really had to go find out once more from someone EVEN YOUNGER than me??
But then again, it's about their insecurities, not about you. It has NOTHING to do with you. I feel just like you - I am the breadwinner and kept myself in great shape for him. While he was a stay-at-home dad and I was proud of it, now I just get angry about it because he put the kids in front of the TV so he could go have phone sex!! While I was in the office paying our mortgage.
None of it is fair. But like our MC says, life isn't fair. Getting cancer isn't fair. Losing a child isn't fair. Being betrayed by your spouse is not fair. But we will come out of this a deeper, stronger, richer person. I have to believe that!
I just have to believe there will be a time when it will be worth the pain for the gain of having recovered from this and beating the odds of success.
M: 14 yrs
DD: Dec. 2012
A: 3 years with Babysitter
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.