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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Going backwards
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have really been struggling lately. My fWH has been doing so well with everything A to Z. It's me who has been very emotional, and re-visiting the past. Our anniversary is this Saturday and I suspect this is part of it. To me there is nothing to celebrate except that he didn't keep his vows. I guess I can celebrate my stamina to stay with this, but that doesn't seem like much of a celebration.

I have been thinking about the idea that for 3 years he "had his cake and ate it too." That just doesn't seem fair, and of course nothing about an affair is fair. He had 3 years of fun, erotic, exciting times while I worked my ass off to take care of our 3 children and maintain my business. I didn't get to do that. I didn't get to have all that fun!

What do you tell yourself to fell better about this. It's not like I wanted to have an affair, but I would have liked to have the option of an open marriage, instead of the secrets and lies.

We also just got back from a trip to Seattle and I had many triggers. His long term AP was asian and I thought I saw her everywhere I went.

I feel like I am going backwards.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be to hard on yourself. You are only a few month out from DD. My Anniversary is tom. and I don't want to celebrate either. Then I tell myself I am celebrating me and my vows, not his. I kept them and still am keeping them. Wedding anniversaries are hard after you learn your spouse had an A, it just seems like a lie to me.

Sorry you had all those trigger. My FWH's AP looked like a younger version of me. I have changed my hair color and style so I can look in the mirror. I have also aged more.

You said that you didn't get to have all the fun he did. Would you really want to have that type of fun??? How would you feel about yourself if you did that?

I make myself feel better reminding myself I kept my vows and counting the blessings I have. You have 3 children and ran your own business. I find that amazing. You can tell yourself about your children and your business and be proud of yourself.

Lastly I would tell you everybody here calls this a rollercoaster ride. I add from he!! and be kind to yourself.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying. It sounds like fairness is important for you, too. I feel the same way.

I don't know how to deal with that either, sorry. Our MC says I have to learn to live with the fact that it'll never be fair and that I have to learn to forgive.

The MC recognizes that it'll take a very long time for me to reach forgiveness, but apparently the only way my feelings of unfairness will go away is if I get curious about why my WW had her A, understand her faulty logic (without agreeing or accepting it) and then love her enough to forgive her.

Tall task considering she nitpicked our relationship to justify her A after d-day. At least she stopped doing that.

Sigh...I feel like I'm going backwards, too.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SmallButStrong
♀ Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always go back to feeling this way. I even look at pictures of him during the A, and he looks so distant but with a smirk on his face like "I know something you don't know", or "I'm fantasizing about her right now". The thought of him getting aroused by thoughts of this woman and the context of their texts and phone conversations is just appalling. I, too, imagine having the "fun" that he got to have.

I especially feel it is unfair because I had only been with one other person before getting married, while my WH (who is 12 years older) had already been with like 30 women. So, really?? Didn't he have enough experiences to get a good idea of what's out there? He really had to go find out once more from someone EVEN YOUNGER than me??

But then again, it's about their insecurities, not about you. It has NOTHING to do with you. I feel just like you - I am the breadwinner and kept myself in great shape for him. While he was a stay-at-home dad and I was proud of it, now I just get angry about it because he put the kids in front of the TV so he could go have phone sex!! While I was in the office paying our mortgage.

None of it is fair. But like our MC says, life isn't fair. Getting cancer isn't fair. Losing a child isn't fair. Being betrayed by your spouse is not fair. But we will come out of this a deeper, stronger, richer person. I have to believe that!


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Concerned  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way every other day. Today is WH's birthday, he is at work for 24 hrs and I cannot see him. He likes Birthday Sex, if I cannot give it to him, will he get it somewhere else? He has been so open and remorseful about the A and there has been no questionable activity, why do I stress so much?

I just have to believe there will be a time when it will be worth the pain for the gain of having recovered from this and beating the odds of success.

BW: 53
WH: 44
M: 14 yrs
2 Daughters
DD: Dec. 2012
A: 3 years with Babysitter

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Topic Posts: 5

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