From my experience, someone who is capable of abusing you like this, when you are so vulnerable, is someone who is broken inside. Unless something really traumatic happens, then they will continue along this path. As I know only so well...
Look after yourself and put your faith in those who care.
I did go an get tested on Friday for STD's even though he swore up and down there was no need to.
I agree that something seems broken with him, I just don't understand what happened to get him to this point. There were really no warning signs leading up to this, so I feel so completely caught off guard. He is not the person I have know for the past 12 years, and that is so hard to wrap my head around.
I am 2 weeks away from giving birth, sticking to the 180 fairly well and been pretty good about NC except for emailing about finances and childcare. He has not bothered asking me once how I am feeling, how doctors appointments are going, etc. I have to admit that that really hurts.
Tuesday morning he texts me asking how I have been feeling, I didn't respond. A couple hours later he calls my work (his number is blocked so I had to answer since I didn't know it was him) and says he misses our daughter and wants to start having her overnight a night or 2 a week once he gets his own place. He plans on getting a place with OW in October(they currently live together with her roomates- he still insists he is sleeping on the couch). I told him that we don't need to discuss this now, when he gets a place we will talk about it then. He gets upset, says I am keeping his daughter from him and he needs to see her more. I sent him an emailing explaining that he needs to put her needs first, realize how many changes were just made in her life, and that throwing OW into the mix is just going to be more confusing to her right now. He finally agreed that that is true, and that now is not the time for her to be going to spend time with him and OW. Then he asked me to go to therapy with him to learn how to get along for our daughter's sake.
Are you effin kidding me? Before he left me for OW I asked him to go to therapy to discuss how we could best break the news to our daughter, and he was unwilling. I had to tell her alone that mommy and daddy weren't going to be married anymore and that her and I would be moving into Grandma & Grandpas house. I had to dry her tears and answer her questions alone while he was out having fun with OW. Now he wants to go to counseling so we can get along?? I have been very cordial with him when he comes to pick her up/drop her off, but I will not be his friend. He tried to ask me how my weekend was when he picked her up on Monday and I didn't answer him, so I think to him that means that I am being mean and "unfriendly" How does he expect me to be his friend? He abandoned me at 7 months pregnant, made me leave my house, I will be giving birth alone and raising our child by myself. Fuck him.
He is not feeling any remorse, does not see at all what kind of pain he has inflicted on me. He is not even thinking about our daughter right now, just about how HE misses her.
I am sorry this is so long, I just needed a place to get this all out.
My heart breaks for you and your daughter.
You will be such a strong role model for her and your baby-to-be; you have handled this with such grace.
Good on you!
I'm hoping you've got child support firmly in place? I'm also hoping you have a lawyer because I've read here on SI many times that BW's have put stipulations into their child custody agreements that their cheating husbands could NOT have any overnight "guests" on the nights that these guys had their children visiting.
Please go see a lawyer.
As for staying with the OW and sleeping on the couch, thats not going to fly in the divorce court. He has committed adultery beyond reasonable doubt. Loser.
My ex-husband has a great way of asking me to do things "for the sake of the children" and for a long time I did, until I realised it was just to make life easier for him. All this "being nice and friendly" was just to give him bragging rights and stop him feeling uncomfortable around the kids.
When he hurt me for the bajillionth time, I realised that the only lesson my kids were learning was how to put up with an arsehole.
I am dealing another issue entirely (my ex has been physically abusive) and he still believes that it is wrong for me to show animosity to him (which I dont, I just flat out ignore him) in front of the kids. So what I have decided, is rather than go to counselling with him (as he also wants) is to go to mediation. This way, there is no touchy feely stuff about feelings, he doesnt get an opportunity to blab about himself. We just agree to what is acceptable.
In my view, it is acceptable to say "hello" and "goodbye" and pass on information about the children. It is also reasonable for him to not ask about me or my provate life or my health or anything to do with me.
I believe that your husband is working hard at setting it up so that he looks like a really good guy so he can have his happy life with his room mate. He is telling lies about their relationship and while he wants to expose your children to that, he does not deserve your time in attending a therapy session in good faith. I think a lot more water needs to go under the bridge before then.
Please take care, and please think about seeing a lawyer.
