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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confrontation
Sman
♂ New Member
Member # 39848
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have confronted WW, and she will not come clean and not go to MC. What to do? Thanks.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you confront her? Did you confront with a suspicion or did you confront with evidence?

If it was on suspicion I would let it slide and then go into full on investigation mode. You'll need evidence for the next confrontation.

If it was with evidence, I don't know. Maybe do the same thing. Continue to gather more evidence.

Is the AP married? A lot of people here recommend outing the affair to the other BS. That will help to bring the whole thing to light.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little more detail would help. Did you confront her with evidence? Did she admit anything?

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Emptyshelldad
♂ Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey bro, I know this is very hard and you're probably going out of your mind right now, but we are pros at this stuff. I can tell you though, that we need details of your situation, how long you've been together, if there are kids involved, who you think she's seeing, what proof you have, what you have done to confront, what she said when confronted, etc etc.
this way we can give a very specific way to nail her ass down, so she can't squirm out of it. but time is of the essence as she is probably already "circling her wagons" and closing ranks.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your spouse will deny, even after you put printed words they wrote to their lover under their nose. You need to dig very deep, get irrefutable evidence and then go back to your spouse and do not take no for an answer.

In my case he denied it even when presented with 20 pages of texts and emails. I think they go into immediate denial, I really don't think they can help it actually.

Fill us in a bit more and we can help you more

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Sman
♂ New Member
Member # 39848
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She had a secret place and was closing shop. I showed up to confront her there, and there were condoms, lingerie, a vibrator, couch, books, beer and wine. The OP is her boss which is also married, and possibly another person. We have been married for 10+ years and have children. A P.I. has been on her for quite some time, but I did not want to believe the facts that I was presented.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Sman)))))

I am sorry you have had to join our ranks. You are in a world of hurt and confusion. I suspected for 2 years before finally found a treasure trove of emails and texts that magically popped up on a new I pad we had bought....I threw up twice and then called a very well ground good friend who carefully directed me through printing out and storing all the evidence. I couldn't be in denial anymore...reality was my new hell.

I am not sure how to help you from here. My intervention and Dday with my hubby was a lot different because the affair was almost over, we lived a long way away from the OW and he was instantly, after trying to deny things, became a mess of a man who needed as much help as I did.

This place which you have found is full of wonderful people who can help you. I know more of them will answer. I will keep following and post when you experience something I can help you with.

The only advice I have now is don't settle for her lies anymore. You are worth the truth and your happiness and we are here to help you get to that. Buckle up because it isn't a fun or easy trip.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Sman
♂ New Member
Member # 39848
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During our conversation she shows no remorse, and answers questions with questions, or avoids questions by changing the subject. This is frustrating..........

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

::hugs::

I, too, am dealing with an unremorseful spouse. I found that continued lies hurt way more than total truth.

I understand the pain you're feeling, and urge you to come here often. It might not make you feel better, but having an outlet does help. We're all here for you.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sman... I forgot to point you to the healing library. It is full of great information and helpful advise. Dealing with an unsimpathic or unremorseful spouse is very different then my experience. I encourage you to start healing yourself by reading up and exploring how you are feeling.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Sman
♂ New Member
Member # 39848
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. How do you keep from going to OP and pummeling the truth out of them? Everyone tells me this will not solve anything, but personally it will calm the negative feelings going through me at this time.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Sman. It's a whole world of hurt when they continue to insist that the sky is green, even when you're pointing upwards at the blueness.

There is no way to nice a WW back. You simply can't. She'll walk all over your heart with golf spikes and deny that you're bleeding. You need to be very strong now, very focused, and try to look at together as you possibly can.

First off, make a copy of the PIs report. Give it to her boss's wife. Don't tell her that you're going to do it, just do it. If you know that she's screwing someone else as well and they have a spouse or SO, give that SO a copy too. 1) Exposing an A to the light sends all the parties running in circles like cockaroaches. 2) The OM will probably throw your WW to the curb in order to save their marriages. 3) You will now have multiple sets of eyes on the APs which makes it harder for them to get back together. and most of all 4) those BWs have as much right as you do, to know what kind of marriage they are in, get STD/HIV tests run on them for their protection, and decide what they need to do in their marriages.

Next, you need to detatch. In the upper left corner, in the yellow box, is The Healing Library link. Click on it. Look for the description of what the "180" is, and why it's effective. This is not a punishment for your spouse nor is it intended to get them to come back to you. This is for YOU, to allow you to detatch enough to figure out what you need and want to help you. If the OM toss her under the bus, she may come crying back to you, raging back to you, or any combo. But unless she comes back with utter remorse, admits her adultry, and takes actions to get to the bottom of why she was so broken, this will all be a ploy to try to get you to be her "B" plan, while she goes out looking for more excitement.

This is hard stuff and I'm so sorry that you are facing it. But keep this foremost in your mind. You did not cause her to have an A. She CHOSE to do it. Her A wasn't a mistake, it wasn't passion sweeping her off of her feet, it wasn't because you didn't walk the dog every Sunday morning, it was a concious choice that SHE made. The A is all on her.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sman...trust me I almost did go and confront the snake in my story. Everyone told me it wasn't going to be a good idea but of coarse I wasn't going to listen to them. In order to get to my h's OW though I had to fly to a different country. Once in our old city I got as close as a mile from my H's old work place. That's when I started throwing up and having panic attacks. I had them a lot back then. I realized there was no way in hell I could keep my composure if I went through with this and that was unacceptable to me. She didn't need to receive any more power and least of all power from my hell.

In the end I didn't go. I had lunch with a friend instead and she was relieved I decided against it. I know now nothing would of come from it. She is delusional and still, after almost a year of "get away from me from my hubby" she still thinks he is madly in love with her.

Put that anger and desire towards something good. You will be glad in the end you didn't waist your time.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT it's no wonder your words carry extra gravity with me. While most of the details of our stories of pain differ, we have something potently similar: both of our WS were at a point where they were collapsing under the weight of the cheating.

So far, it looks like mine came completely clean when I busted her. And everything just poured out. I see your WH resisted to begin with, then opened the floodgates.

Time will tell for me. The guys over at the Betrayed Men thread are convinced my WW is hiding something more but despite this cheating, her core personality hasn't changed. Thank you for your support. I hope one day I can actually talk to you. You sound both strong and wise.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arable

He resisted only for a short while because he was very unsure of if I would stay or not. I too admit that it could have easily gone the other way. One thing you have not heard yet from me is that I have had problems with my heart. This started just before the A but this whole process has made it much worse. I had a mild heart attack almost 6 years ago now and we have been trying to figure out why since them. If I don't take my 7 different pills a day my BP will kill me. My husband was extremely worried that the weight of this hell would kill me. He couched some of the more horrible things because he was afraid I would have another HA. Once I told him that couching hurt more then the actual truth the flood gates opened. We haven't looked back.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
BryanP37
♂ New Member
Member # 39685
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can attest that confronting the AP is a bad idea. I did just that upon discovery of my ex wife's affair. I too felt it would calm my very negative emotions. Instead, it escalated and resulted in me sending the AP to the ER with a broken jaw and a facial laceration. I am very fortunate that I wasn't arrested and charged with assault and battery. Prison would have been a real possibility. The AP is not worth it. I realized almost too late it wasn't about him, but her.

My energy and anger would have best served me by focusing on taking care of myself because discovery was only the beginning. Real truth didn't surface until divorce papers were served and my ex realized I really was serious.

Take care of yourself my friend. I wish I had discovered SI sooner. I've lurked for a while now and there is some great advice I wish I had taken during my early stages of discovery. It's too late for me as my marriage is gone, but I hope you are able to find what the truth is and you have a chance to save your marriage.

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BS: Me-38
XWS: Her-34
Married 7 yrs, together 9 years-No kids
Ex had 4 month PA with her best friends husband. Other flings early in marriage confessed during discovery.
Divorce final 6-25-2013.
Carefully reconciling after divorce. 10/2013

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sman, I know how gratifying beating the tar it off him would be but that is not the direction you want to go in.

I'm sorry she's not showing you any remorse.

Please listen to BryanP37, his post is spot on.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
CuckoldedinMa
♂ Member
Member # 38283
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan has some excellent advice for you.

Please heed it.

I'm so sorry to see another join our ranks. You will get through this.


D-Day, 1/27/13
D-Day #2 4/21/13
D-Day #3 7/22/13
Me: BS (41)
Her :WS (43)
Married 13 years, together 21.
STATUS: Separated, divorcing

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Boston, MA area
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree Skan does have excellent advice and references for you..
I can't over emphasize the need to focus on yourself and your health...
I read the post Texas T wrote about the affects of stress and heart attack on her health....
Mental health will make or break your physical health....
Doctors are working on me at this time to get my blood pressure under control before I stroke out..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:18 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please listen to them, from one who made every conceivable mistake after discovering the affair.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Topic Posts: 26
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