SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted several questions on this forum and I sure do appreciate the support. For the past three days my wife has become suspiciously nice to me. I am used to be cussed at and yelled at on a regular basis, for most of our marriage. She has asked for my forgiveness several times, even though I already told her I forgave her. She still gets upset and will not let me look at her cell phone, tell me her email account username, of course she de-friended me on facebook and will not allow me to look at her facebook page. I have not badgered her in the past about her facebook, even though she says I have, I really haven't. She has access to all of my accounts, passwords, anything that makes her comfortable to check up on me. But, as I mentioned earlier, she has been so nice to me these past few days and I don't know if it's a good thing or if it should alarm me. Since I seen her in my bed with someone else my world has turned up-side-down and I want to believe her kindness and accept it but I can't understand why I am having trouble enjoying it. She says it is because I enjoy tormenting myself, it sounds crazy to me but could she be right? I know probably is crazy I should just love all of this attention and kindness but I am reading this as negative when I should be reading it as a positive, right?

I think you are having trouble accepting this because you do not trust her, because she isn't being transparent.

My partner isn't transparent, and I don't trust him. I always get suspicious of things out of the ordinary now.

I am working on setting up a list of things I need from him and boundaries I expect him to adhere too. It has taken me 10 years of this mess to realize I am in the right and I don't need to take the No-Transparency and I don't need to continue to give blind faith to him. If he can't offer me up his passwords, cell phone and email, I cannot heal.

But everyone is different.

Could she have found your posts here on SI? Have you been clearing you history after you post so she can't find it?

will not let me look at her cell phone, tell me her email account username, of course she de-friended me on facebook and will not allow me to look at her facebook page

That's why she's being nice to you. She can avoid transparency and accountability by batting her eyes and asking for forgiveness.

She still gets upset and will not let me look at her cell phone, tell me her email account username, of course she de-friended me on facebook and will not allow me to look at her facebook page.

ceilingwalker... this is not cool. Not cool at all. Your wife should be 100% transparent with you at this point. Why did she de-friend you on facebook?

The title of your topic says it all. What is your gut telling you?

Gently speaking, I'm worried that she may not be out of this affair, or at the very least not coming 100% clear with you, if she is still maintaining all of this secrecy. Between the cell phone, email, and facebook... that is a lot of secrecy.

You sound like me. Does she act like you shouldn't be asking her such questions.

My FWH acted the same way. He never uses FB as far as I know. But I don't ask. Since you know all these things are happening you should be suspicious.

You reminded me that I let it go and it is eating me up inside. I am going to ask again and he act the same way. I'll know he is still hiding things from me. My other choice is to take our computer to get it "fixed".

Either way she is not helping rebuild your M and if you let her continue you too will have ulcers.

You are not crazy, she is. How can she expect you start trusting her is she is not honest? You can't.

I also would be wondering why she is being so nice. That's part of being a BS. It takes a long time to trust again. If the WS doesn't do everything we ask to help us rebuild trust, it will never happen

Schilling, I don't know about your circumstances but I allow my wife total access to my things and she does check on a regular basis. She wont let me see her things because she says I am only being nosey.

Confused615, she has total access to all of my things so she certainly may have viewed it. She was upset because I joined this group but I told her she is not the one broken on the inside and besides, I have never done anything to her even close, to what she has to me.

Why did she de-friend you on facebook?

Because she was sexting or whatever it is called and she used my sons ipod and didn't have sense enough to logoff her account. My boy seen it and showed it to me. Couldn't believe my eyes. When I confronted her with it, she defriended me, that was a couple of years ago.

Does she act like you shouldn't be asking her such questions

Yes, she does. She then tells me if we are going to fix this marriage I have to forget what happened. It happened only 4 weeks ago which in my estimation is not enough water under the bridge, yet. The discussion always ends with me thinking she is the victim.

You reminded me that I let it go and it is eating me up inside

I found out I was doing the same. This past week, with our marriage counselor talked with me alone. He asked me to describe what I saw my wife doing. I don't even know where it came from but I wept, and wept, and wept. He knew I have trying to pretend it never happened and was repressing ( I think the word is )it. He said he asked me that to "open the relief valve" because he was concerned I might harm myself, holding all that in. It was destroying me inside-out. So, I would recommend that you NOT just "let it go".

My partner has complete and total access to everything of mine at any given time, though he chooses not to look at them because he trusts me.

He, being the cheater, does not offer transparency to me and that makes it very hard to rebuild shattered trust.

Does it bother you that she continues to not give you access to her personal things such as facebook, email, cell phone or any of the like?

She then tells me if we are going to fix this marriage I have to forget what happened

That's a REAL bad idea...you can't just rugsweep an affair and let bygones be bygones. It sounds like she is calling all the shots in your M.

Dude... your wife is not the victim here, she is the perpetrator. Four weeks, and you should be over this?? Nuh uh. Not even close. A lot of the folks on this forum generally say 2-5 years for healing. That's healing, not just getting over it, or water under the bridge.

There's still a lot of questions your wife has yet to answer, and her cutting you off is not reconciling, and not helping.

There's some horrible boundaries that were crossed. Not only the sexting, but on your son's iPad?

And she can't answer to any of that?

All of that being said... how are you handling things, overall?

Please take care of yourself. This is horrible stuff you are going through. Are you able to eat? Please don't forget to drink water as well. This stuff can physically and mentally wreak havoc on you.

We're here for you, man. I'm glad you're here and opening up about these issues. I'm sure more folks will be along to offer advice as well.

No, No, No, No. That is not okay. Especially, this:

She says it is because I enjoy tormenting myself

SHE. HAS. NO. IDEA. the pain you are feeling. Please remind her, SHE DID THIS TO YOU.

Have you tried IC/MC? I know it sounds cliche, but when I took my FWH to see a counselor they broke it down for him. That he needed to see my pain and console me. I think he needed to hear from a professional outsider. And, I swear it really works.

And, "getting over" it is not that simple. SHE's going to have to fix herself, you fix yourself and together fix yourselves. I'm sorry, ceilingwalker, 4 weeks out I was still bawling my eyes out on the commute to and from work, in the shower, and anywhere else I was alone.

She needs to own her actions. It's a long, tough journey, but you need to tell her what you need and she needs to do it. My H tried telling me things to manipulate the situation at first to avoid the huge elephant sitting in the room. Now, he's gently tending to that elephant.

And, she's in deep shit. She should be asking for permission to do stuff, go places. She should be giving you the information as to what she's doing, not hiding it. That's just a recipe for disaster and an opportunity for her to do it again. Smash her phone. Make her get a new one. Ok, don't smash it, but make her have no contact with AP, in any possible way. No fb.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:06 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Does it bother you that she continues to not give you access to her personal things such as facebook, email, cell phone or any of the like?

Yes Schilling, it bugs the HELL out of me. As a matter of fact, I think I am insane for sticking around and trying to make things work. We have a boy with Autism and I know that a separation or divorce would devastate him. I love him but I am reaching a point that, for my own sanity, I am going to have to leave and I will take him with me. She will fight me on it but because I found her in bed with another man and our Autistic son was less than 10-20 feet away, I think I might stand a chance of getting custody.

It sounds like she is calling all the shots in your M.

Yes Tred, she has been calling the shots since day-one of our marriage and it is my fault for allowing it.

I understand.

It too me 10 years to get to the point where his lack of transparency is killing me.

Giving blind faith is very hard. Our partners who have betrayed our trust should want to give anything and everything to make this work and make us feel safe, at least that is my opinion on the matter now.

That is why I have sat down and am working on a list of things that needs to happen immediately and if they don't, which is a real possibility, I am prepping myself to walk away for good.

Your situation is tough with children, but if you are so unhappy and untrusting, I believe children pick up on that.

Um, why is this even a question, and why are you allowing it?

Seriously, you get to call the shots. Let her huff and puff, and "feel like she's in prison" and all that other BS. She makes you feel bad so she can continue to do whatever the hell she wants, and that is HORRIBLY disrespectful, and in no way healthy.

Transparency is step 1 to R. If you want to stay married for whatever reason, and have no expectation of healing, or R'in, just being married to someone who gets to do whatever they want then continue down this path. But if you want to R with this woman, then you have to DEMAND transparency, access to everything, and she needs to understand that you get to snoop whenever however you want.

If she gives you one iota of disagreement, arguement, or bluster then she is most likely still carrying on. She is happy to be nice as long as you fall into line, but if you don't then she makes you feel bad. She is abusing and manipulating you. This is not a healthy relationship.

Why would it be ok for you to give her access to everything and not reciprocate?

Um, why is this even a question, and why are you allowing it?

She has threatened me millions of times throughout our marriage that she will take the boys and move back to Mexico and I will never see them again and I am afraid to call her bluff.

She has threatened me millions of times throughout our marriage that she will take the boys and move back to Mexico and I will never see them again and I am afraid to call her bluff.

Possibly seek out a lawyer if you haven't already to help you understand the laws and your rights?

This sounds so unhealthy for everyone involved.