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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Normalcy, and Punishment
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if TR can help with this, because part of me thinks she just expects it, or feels entitled.

She may or may not. I will say that my leap to this gentler side of things was only possible with a remorseful and grateful spouse. Honestly until I got that I wasn't even willing to try to see it like that.

It was kind of like I was protecting myself until I saw her honest and vulnerable for awhile.

I sometimes forget that not everybody is in the same situation.

The gift part you can work on later. I would try to move beyond this was something that destroyed you to it is something you survived or conquered. That got me through a lot of rough days.

It also helped to view the A as "her problem" within the M. The evidence was sufficient to warrant a D. It was up to her to show me why I would "want" (read choose) my own M. She dug in and worked on her own issues and help show me she was worth the risk. Without that, I would probably be D today.

Detaching works for some too. Go fishing, golfing, wood working, etc. Whatever you like to do and do that. Put your focus into something else. If she slips further, you don't have to be in a M that does not enhance your life. You are entitled to be happy.

Just my .02. Sometimes you have to remind an entitled spouse. Also I firmly believe that entitlement and remorse aren't compatible. They weren't in my case. Only when one left did I see the other emerge.

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was kind of like I was protecting myself until I saw her honest and vulnerable for awhile

I totally get this, and I think this is where I'm at. I have no doubts about her honesty... it's the vulnerability, and consistency. She doesn't trust me that I won't leave, and I'm still figuring out if and how I can trust her. She will hold back from opening up at times, when I'm down, triggering... saying I'm too judgmental of her feelings, so she either shuts down, or gets defensive. Walls up, basically. Consistently being open with me, and open and non-judgmental communication is still a problem for us.

[This message edited by DWBH at 10:36 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me these two things are definately related. When I freak out and feel low after a period of feeling good/close to him I want to hurt him. Lash out at him. Make sure he knows i am still in pain and that I am not over it because we had a good time. At times like these I feel like he is getting let off the hook. It is a struggle. I know it can't always be doom and gloom and that we have to have good times together to R but it makes me feel like I am belittling my pain. Maybe I haven't seen enough of his to really believe it. Maybe that's why I want to "hurt" him-so I can see his pain?? I don't have any exact "punishments" in mind-just to make him hurt. And he has expressed pain and remorse but sometimes, when things are good I become afraid that he is "over it" and because I'm not I want to see his suffering. F-ed up for sure. I hope time helps.

Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 23
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