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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The intimacy
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you all cope with the physical side of things? All I can see when I look at my h is him touching her. It's tearing me apart day by day and I don't know how much longer I can hang in there.

It was an EA before, two kisses and later a fumbled ons. He swears he didn't fancy her and it was just attention he wanted but how can you touch someone like that, so intimately, if you don't fancy them?????

I would be physically sick if a man I didn't fancy wanted me to masturbate him. I just could not do it. So how could he????

He says it's cos he led her on and he couldn't humiliate her when she drove him to a car park, lifted her skirt and invited him to feel her 'sexy knickers'

He says he did the bare minimum expected of him. That they didn't kiss, she never touched him once and that he just rubbed her, but that turned to masturbation for a few minutes when her skimpy underwear moved and he touched skin. Then they got in the back had sex for about 3 seconds THEN he decided to stop. No protection which kills me too. We have been screened for std and are clear apart from thrush btw.

My point is how could he have touched her so intimately without feeling sick if he loved me and didn't want to do it. He says it wasn't pleasant but wasn't repulsive either. I don't get it??? Is it a difference between the sexes or am I getting load of bs from him? I just don't know. HE tried saying just now that he was repulsed and I called him on it as a lie. He is desperately trying to find a way to word it that I can accept but I know what happened and surely that could not happen without him at least fancying her??

Also I am really stuck on wanting to make her pay. They work at adjacent desks and h has applied for loads of jobs to get away from her. He is laughing at her right now cos she has moved onto another guy at work and he can see the shot he fell for, he thinks she is pathetic. But she has got away with it - I even did her nails for free!!!
Help! When does she suffer eh! She just bounces from man to man with out a thought of the pain she causes. I sent her a few ugly texts at first before I knew it all and she had the gall to say I was paranoid and had issues then later that it was a mistake she wanted to forget and she hoped we would move on from it wtf!!!! I hate her. Why do I have to suffer everyday when she is laughing and living it up.

Sooooo angry today.

[This message edited by olwen at 11:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally have very rarely felt angry with the OW's. Simply because, they are the type to skip from person to person, or to be picked up by a drunken stranger at a bar and to me, they clearly have issues that they mask with their actions. Maybe they are suffering and hurting already.

The only time I WAS mad at the OW and wanted revenge were for the two women who talked me, the first was when I was a teenager, she just harassed me by phone and once my email. The 2nd was in 2011/ 2012. She harassed me for over a year, nonstop calls, emails, texts, calls at work, facebook messages and yelp messages. It was a long year.

Some people separate sexual contact and desire. I am one of them. Before I met my partner, I could have sex with a man I didn't find attractive no problem, simply because I wanted the attention.

But everyone is different and if you need him to explain further, he will need to dig deeper and try to provide what you need to feel safe.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His story smells to high heaven.

Im sorry..but I think he is still lying to you.

He did the "bare minimum"..and of course her panties slid over so she was more exposed..just a coincidence.. they didn't move over because his fingers were there and moved them over..? But then..he decided to go form "bare minimum" to sex. That sounds fishy as Hell.

I think people can have sex with people they aren't attracted to. For many,it's about the orgasm,or the attention,and not the person they're having sex with.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:53 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has now admitted that the knickers did move as he was rubbing cos of the way he was rubbing. He meant that he didn't lift them up and move them, I hate pedantic little lies like that. Why couldn't he just say yes I moved them as i was rubbing. He claims he only did that cos 'it was the natural progression from outside to inside' and he thought that was what she 'expected' from him.That was all I got out of him before he stormed off out for a run on the bike.

What is really getting me is his story keeps changing, he says its as he remembers things - it was only march but he claims to have blocked it out - it's driving me mad cos he will say things like he didn't think he loved me at the time and he convinced himself our marriage was over to justify what he was doing, then in the next breath says he has always loved me and would never have left me. So why put her ahead of the marriage?

He describes how he felt when he was touching her as he didn't like it but didn't dislike it, didn't enjoy it but didn't hate it. It's tying me in knots. I can't get anymore out of him.He claims to have done it all for the attention but why would he hide his closeness to this colleague from me if all he wanted was attention at work. Why did he text her 90 times on his night out if he didn't want her to meet up with him? He claims she was texting so much he just gave in and not only replied to them all but started texting and calling her himself. He even rang her so she could hear the band and sent her photos of them,it was the band that played our wedding btw

He says he only had sex with her so she wouldn't tell me about their emotional affair, the kissing and him retrieving his lighter from down her top. COuld he really have been THAT stupid??

Please feel free to ignore me, I am in a state and having a rant. I really need to just accept what he did and move on but its too bloody hard.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
1yearago
♀ New Member
Member # 40093
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am having issues with intimacy. When we get intimate, I immediately wonder, did he touch her like that, did he say the same things to her. At first my WH said that the sex with her was not good, but he slept with her night after night, then he said it was good for him and not for her, and they barely kissed and she did not seem like she was into it. But over time he is being more forthright I think finally admitting the truth and not downplaying it.
It is still hard for me to get the pictures of them in bed together out of my head.
And yes, I dream of revenge on her, but tell myself she has gone thru life as a slut, she will never be happy and never make her life honorable and that is her hell

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the first and second night after Dday were the only two nights I didn't want to be intimate. For months all I could see in our bed at night was her sleeping between us. I felt her presence everywhere!!! My dreams were so real I would wake up crying or paniced. It was horrible. This is a PTSD symptom, one of many I suffered from after Dday.

I was unsure of how I would react naked in front of my hubby at first. That disappeared quickly and the sex has been forthcoming ever since. I know there is a term for it, someone will no doubt post it after they read this, but I just decided to run with it. No sex had been an issue for us. It was listed on both sides of our "not working in the marriage" columns. Yes, wee made a list of everything both of us felt wasn't working. Once that was clarified for me I have not had any problem with intimacy. I am surprised how much I missed it as well and it is so much better then before.

Everyone will feel differently about this topic. I hope mine broadens the pot of experiences.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been having horrible nightmares too, some too disgusting to post here. I shoot out of bed on waking and am so upset all day. Am averaging 3 a week.

we did the whole hysterical bonding thing but it's worn off now and every time he touches me I imagine him touching her.

It's like I am living my nightmare. It's a recurrent one I have had for 18yrs since being with him. He cheats, lies and laughs in my face. He brings her into my home. Apart from the laughing in my face it's all come true. Instead of laughing he hurled abuse at me trying to get me to leave him so he wouldn't have to face up to what he had done. What a lovely experience that was - not. I think I am scarred for life tbh. No exaggeration. he hit all my weak points and there are plenty.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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