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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When one wants a child and the other does not
yogaga1
♀ New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted much as I've stepped away to focus on R with fWH. For some reason, frequently visiting was causing trigger issues for me. These seem to be clearing now that we are a few months into R. Phew!

Things have been going well, generally speaking. I am happy with the state that our marriage is progressing currently and looking forward to continuing couples counseling together once my fWH new insurance kicks in.

My post today is hard for me. Just a quick google search and I can see it's not a common issue. My fWH would like to have a child with me, I am 100% against the idea.

To be fair, when we married, I did agree to try for one more child. I have a DS from a previous relationship that fWH has helped me raise for the last decade as his own. He is a wonderful father figure, but he has always yearned for a biological child.

We tried and successfully got pregnant quickly. However, the pregnancy occurred shortly before Dday and I ended up miscarrying right around that time. We separated for a year and during that time, and for many reasons (yes, some included the fact that I was pregnant on Dday), I decided that I would no longer like to try for any more children.

We had many discussions about it and before we decided to get back together to R- I told him I was very firm on no longer wanting to try for any children and if this was something he would be heartbroken with, to not come back to the marriage so I don't rob him of that.

Well, wouldn't you know- the last week or so, we've had tense discussions nightly about it. He had hoped I was just angry and would change my mind. This frustrates me because I was VERY clear and mentioned several times that was not the case. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and unfair.

I certainly do not want to rob him of having a child of his own. I very much love being a mother to my DS and I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, I am 110% sure I do not want any more children.

fWH is banking on the "what-if's" right now. DS was a happy accident and by all means, I do not regret a single second of having him. I understand that unless I decide to no longer be sexually active with my husband, the chance of pregnancy obviously exists, so I told him of course I would love another child if it were to happen- but I would like to do everything in my power to NOT get pregnant again if possible. I even thought of having my tubes tied, but fWH is (obviously) very against the idea.

Anyway, I'm getting wordy. Until we see a counselor, I really don't know what to do. I don't want to fight, I feel somewhat guilty and/or selfish, but I also feel like it's unfair to me as well, as I was very clear of my intentions prior to R.

Thoughts? 2x4's? Am I being ridiculous?


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had many discussions about it and before we decided to get back together to R- I told him I was very firm on no longer wanting to try for any children and if this was something he would be heartbroken with, to not come back to the marriage so I don't rob him of that.

Well, wouldn't you know- the last week or so, we've had tense discussions nightly about it. He had hoped I was just angry and would change my mind. This frustrates me because I was VERY clear and mentioned several times that was not the case. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and unfair.

I think this hits the nail on the head. He was in denial about what your wishes were and now wants to re-negotiate. Painting you unfair gives emotion to his argument, but emotion does not equal weight.

I know a lot of people (my spouse being one) who think having a child will some how cement the relationship. While having children is unifying it is also very stressful: physically, emotionally, etc. If there is any problems, the stress already there don't help. Pregnancy itself is an emotional roller coaster. But, you know this.

I would revisit your original conditions and tell him nothing has changed. You just have to leave the option open that the R could turn into a D over the issue. That said, you can't let him laud this over you forever either. Again, this may be a move on or move out situation.

(((yogaga1)))


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
pearlharbr
♀ New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not being ridiculous. This is one topic that you simply cannot compromise on. You made your wishes clear at the onset of R, your H chose to ignore what you said.

See a counselor ASAP. Repeat your decision and tell your H in no uncertain terms that you will not change your mind. He needs decide if he wants to be married to you or if he wants to father a biological child. If he chooses your M then he needs to agree that he cannot keep bringing it up in the future.

I know it's a painful thing to let a M go but if you know you want opposite things it is the best thing to do for both of you. The alternative is a lifetime of resentment or worse.

I have a cautionary tale about this very situation. Twelve years ago my H's younger brother met a girl and fell in love. She had gotten pregnant in high school so already had a young daughter and did not want any more children. H's brother somehow talked her into it and five or six months into the planned pregnancy he dumped her. They ended up getting back together when their son was born and a few months later she was pregnant again. So now they have two sons 11 months apart and a pretty rocky relationship. Christmas 2011 we were talking about it and she told me that although she loves her kids so much she very much regrets allowing herself to be talked into something she didn't want. She wasn't able to go to college or travel (they live in a very small, isolated town). Just after this conversation they broke up again, this time for good (H's brother cheated and left her for OW). So now this woman is a single mother of three trying to keep it together on a minimum wage job.

[This message edited by pearlharbr at 4:17 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 40
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, I would go get my tubes tied and tell him that the matter is decided on your part. No More Children. If he wants to have a biological child, then he can file for divorce and go baby-mama shopping.

I feell passionately about this. I never wanted children. I made sure my 1st husband knew that if he married me, no children. He said he was good with that. Several years into the marriage when I mentioned that this was the year that I was going to have my tubes tied (doctors wouldn't do it until I was X-old), he threw a fit and asked what about children? WTF! Then he claimed that he never heard me say that I didn't want children and that he would never have married anyone who didn't want children.

Notice I say this is my former husband .....


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
yogaga1
♀ New Member
Member # 36922
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.

I agree that this is a deal breaker and I have to be willing to let the M go if that is the way it is to be. I am already becoming resentful that we worked so hard on coming back together but will likely fall apart again so quickly when I did my best to be very clear.

I pray we can get to a counselor ASAP, but it's likely it won't be for another couple of months.

In the meantime, I will continue to remind him that he had a choice prior to R.

Thanks guys


BS: Me
WH: Him
DDay: 12/24/2011
In R as of: 3/2013

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think your being unfair or selfish at all. You gave him the opertunity to have a biological child with you and he squandered it. Its his fault that he contaminated and compromised your M so dont take any blame. He made this monster and now he must live with it. Nothing he did was your fault so don't let him use it against you as if it is. If anything, make him work for it, have him make major comprises, something he cant live without, something he would die to have or keep.
Im about 85% opposed to having another baby and im making my fWH wait until december 2014 at the earliest. I also had a traumatizing emergency c- section last july and almost lost my son before he was born. So I have to heal physically and mentally before I can let myself become pregnant again.
I hope you two can find a happy medium, maybe a pet. Good Luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Topic Posts: 6

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