Haven't posted much as I've stepped away to focus on R with fWH. For some reason, frequently visiting was causing trigger issues for me. These seem to be clearing now that we are a few months into R. Phew!
Things have been going well, generally speaking. I am happy with the state that our marriage is progressing currently and looking forward to continuing couples counseling together once my fWH new insurance kicks in.
My post today is hard for me. Just a quick google search and I can see it's not a common issue. My fWH would like to have a child with me, I am 100% against the idea.
To be fair, when we married, I did agree to try for one more child. I have a DS from a previous relationship that fWH has helped me raise for the last decade as his own. He is a wonderful father figure, but he has always yearned for a biological child.
We tried and successfully got pregnant quickly. However, the pregnancy occurred shortly before Dday and I ended up miscarrying right around that time. We separated for a year and during that time, and for many reasons (yes, some included the fact that I was pregnant on Dday), I decided that I would no longer like to try for any more children.
We had many discussions about it and before we decided to get back together to R- I told him I was very firm on no longer wanting to try for any children and if this was something he would be heartbroken with, to not come back to the marriage so I don't rob him of that.
Well, wouldn't you know- the last week or so, we've had tense discussions nightly about it. He had hoped I was just angry and would change my mind. This frustrates me because I was VERY clear and mentioned several times that was not the case. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and unfair.
I certainly do not want to rob him of having a child of his own. I very much love being a mother to my DS and I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, I am 110% sure I do not want any more children.
fWH is banking on the "what-if's" right now. DS was a happy accident and by all means, I do not regret a single second of having him. I understand that unless I decide to no longer be sexually active with my husband, the chance of pregnancy obviously exists, so I told him of course I would love another child if it were to happen- but I would like to do everything in my power to NOT get pregnant again if possible. I even thought of having my tubes tied, but fWH is (obviously) very against the idea.
Anyway, I'm getting wordy. Until we see a counselor, I really don't know what to do. I don't want to fight, I feel somewhat guilty and/or selfish, but I also feel like it's unfair to me as well, as I was very clear of my intentions prior to R.
Thoughts? 2x4's? Am I being ridiculous?