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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cheap Shot Filter?
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I'm a week in now. MC starts tonight. Tues night wasn't good. My cheap shot filter broke.

I know everyone says "screw them, they deserve everything they get". I know this, but the fact is, I do love my wife. I understand we're both in our own version of hell for different reasons and adding pain on either side isn't going to help a thing.

Does anyone have any tips?


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying. It's a big thing to realize that the cheap shots don't help either one of you (assuming she is stepping up and being remorseful). I didn't have this realization/frame of mind until lots later after dday.

Don't beat yourself up for the cheap shot. It happens. At this point having any control over your emotions, or verbal rage is a feat in of itself.

I had to make a conscious effort (with the help of MC/IC) to hold my tongue when I felt it coming on. I was brutal in the beginning. Brutal. While everything I said was true, justified and deserved, it wasn't productive.

Learning to communicate effectively and in a healthy way is key to reconciling. In saying that though, you should never suppress your feelings, but find a healthy way to express them.

If you feel badly for what you said, or how you said it, then apologize. Not for the reasons you have for saying it, but for the way you expressed it.

How did she react to this? Was she defensive? humbled? shamed? accepting? reactive in the same way?

This is a great thing to bring up in MC!


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could use one of those filters myself. I love what Unfound wrote, thank you.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her reaction was not deflective, more reflective and caused her to go in to her own break-down. She knows she fucked up big time, it shows. We knew we were lost and now it's come to light.

I do feel bad about taking a cheap shot. Throughout all this pain she's inflicted on me, she's still the one I love and it kills me to intentionally hurt her like I did. That being said, I'm also tired of apologizing (to myself, for my role in the marital issues leading up to this).

I simply sent her a text-
"My emotions got the best of me and let me take cheap shots. It doesn't help and hurts us both. We both have our horrors and demons to deal with right now."

She knows how much I'm hurting, but I also understand how much she is. We both have to heal to make this work. Last night was better. Hopefully tonight will be ok too.


Editor's note- I've got to stop posting in just this forum, I realized too later there are better suited topic areas-


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my favorite sayings, often repeated here, is

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

The anger is real, and needs to be expressed and processed. You will figure out how to do that in a constructive manner. We BSs are only human. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the type of person who enjoys taking cheap shots whenever given the opportunity. I have to literally bite my tongue sometimes, and it's hard.

I usually try to give him warning. "Hey, I'm in a bad mood today, don't set me up because I'm not above cheap shots tonight. I think you should take me out to dinner and tell me how pretty I look."

When you are feeling the "cheap shot" mood come on...be honest and upfront! Tell her that it might happen, apologize in advance, talk to her about WHY you are in this kind of a mood, and tell her what you need from her (if anything) to make you feel better.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

^^THIS.

It's like dealing with a child who has stolen a candy bar.

There is a world of difference between these 2 statements:]
"I'm disappointed in you. Stealing a candy bar is a display of very bad behavior and it's not what I expected of you." AND
"Omg. You stole a candy bar. You are a thief and a terrible person."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuperDad, over in the mens thread, look for wal. He has many eloquent posts about this particular part of the journey.
I'll buy you a beer.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dargirl
♀ New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am in the obsessive mode.. help????

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can start your own thread in General if you'd like dargirl.
You will be able to get more responses.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 10

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